Blog Closing -- Everything must go!

All --

I am closing this blog and moving house to a new blog  -- for a variety of reasons that don't need to be explored here.

So for the next few days this post will be up - -if you would like to read my adventures at the new blog - either leave me a comment - -or better yet send me an email at yourpeacefulone@gmail.com -- so I may send you my new blog address.

It's been a great ride -- but it's time for a new chapter.

hope to see you all for Chapter 3!

sfp

Going private for a few

a plan

so there is a plan
a plan to help me get to where he wants me to be

and it's a good plan that allows me to learn and grow and catch up to him
or at least bridge some of the gap

he's such a mix of romance and sweetness and brutality that at times it's hard to reconcile the two of them

part of this plan involves the open acknowledgement that the distance is too much

and that there must be others

that there's not a way to meet all of each other's needs from a distance

which is a bit of a challenge for me
because

I expect that he's going to have another sub
or spend time with another sub

but I've sort of gotten away from the FWB that doesn't have a bit of the D/s in it

or more than a bit

I do have a Dom friend who has in the past offered to be a trainer
as we explored the world of Poly
I mentioned this as a possibility

does he want to allow play with another Dom as part of the training -- part of getting me ready for the likes of him

and I got a strongly worded response back

(and I quote)
"I am absolutely, admantantly opposed to have someone else--FWB, another Dom, anyone--picking up the slack on your training when I'm not there.

Doing so would be admitting failure from my perspective.  You are my sub; I will train you.  Progress may be slow because I'm not there on an everyday basis, but I'd rather have slow than have someone else guide you in my place."

blink

blink

blink

"you are my sub; I will train you."

so you can expect that there may be some sex in my sex blog -- but unless he's here -- there won't be any kinky sex in my kinkysex blog (although he did allow for some spanking/nipple clamps to be allowed - his version of boring vanilla stuff)

So I'm off to dreamland.

and hope that my dream dom comes and curls around me and hooks a finger into my collar in his sleep.

Dewey Doit system

My housecleaner must have me figured out
or must be very very out herself

not only did she organize my toys in my closet (putting them all together with crops tucked behind the toy bag

but put my porn in the bookshelf

in the living room

fortunately the Pixie found it and presented it to me

with a "DA!"

which must be baby talk for

"Geeze mama - in the living room?"

Mission Dompossible

Last night while Dompossible was on the plane  going home he wrote out the specs for the program.

God I love me a nerdy man
so sad

The goals
the constraints of the project
etc etc

the goal is to bring me in line with his style of play -- or find a compromise style of play that we both enjoy.

This will mean helping me to develop and grow
and the idea makes me feel all warm and happy inside.

One of our agreed upon constraints is no deception - and the need for both to have other relationships.

Neither of us want the other to be alone.

but we're seeking the balance between -- "I don't want you to lie to me" and "I don't want to really think too much about other girls you're fucking"

I think it's important that while I'm not at the place that he is at D/s wise that he get his Dom on with someone who is.

and if he finds his happily ever after with her -- so be it.

I do not plan to move
neither does he
and

we will either catch fire and burn hotly
or
fizzle out

and having a session with someone else isn't going to change that.

In the meantime -- I fully expect a list of success criteria coming in some future email :)

In the meantime

I'm going to enjoy myself
and start thinking of ways in which we can start the reprogramming of my wiring

and right this very second
stop typing and go change a baby.

Going back

So it's been an emotional few days for Dompossible and I.

Yesterday we had a family dinner out -- and we both got so caught up in all the reasons why we can't work that we made ourselves miserable.

I mean

crying in the restaurant kind of miserable.

Here's what happened

We just

sigh

we just got so close over the past few months
shared so much
that

we've sort of fallen for each other

and then

Sunday

we made a strategic mistake.

we fast forwarded physically to where we are emotionally
and

it was too much

my head was spinning
and
we were too mismatched.

so I invited him to have dinner with me tonight
and he asked to think about it

and asked to come and have dinner and talk
and we talked
while entwined on the couch
and

he took charge
and said that we were going to hit the reset button
and
back off.

So

no more play
although there were some moments
when we started to kiss
and things got hot
and nearly nearly nearly
took us back to where we were

so

I suppose
we are

dating?

well

not dating


I don't know what the hell to call it

because his business trip has been cut short - he goes home tomorrow instead of Friday
and may or may not be back in a few weeks

but we're going to see where this goes
if this goes

because there's the potential of happily ever after
and the potential of horrible heartbreak

in equal measure

but for now

no more play for this sub
for now

reset.

The meeting

Dompossible and I met
and

while there wasn't the thunderbolt.
He's sweet
and kind

and I liked him very much

We met and had an early dinner
and walked around the local outside mall

we held hands

we shared a sweet kiss on a park bench

and decided to come home

My city is huge
and the drive was long to get to my house

I needed to pick up Pixie and put her to bed -- after playing with the neighbor's 2 year old it took her less than 5 minutes to conk out.

but you don't want to know about all of that -- do you?

you want me to get to the good stuff.

Well

I'm not quite ready to write about it quite yet.

Dompossible is a sadist.
I am not a masochist

and

I'm left feeling a bit like a failure - because I couldn't take it
and I think he's more than a bit worried that he'll take me too far

because his "barely there" was way beyond my endurance

for whatever reason

perhaps because it's been too  long
and a bit of being emotionally run down

so I'm a bit sad
and a bit worried
because I don't think it's going to work for us
and I think we both really wanted it to

We have a date tonight -- for dinner

and

I predict that we'll have a great time - no play tonight -- I'll have the baby.

but ultimately,

unless we can find the right balance of play

neither of us is going to get what we want.

even thought we like each other so very very much

testing adaptability

My parents are sick.

My parents who were going to babysit tomorrow night
are sick

So I had to send Dompossible a message

We can

A) have dinner here -- with baby

B) try to find a sitter -- and cut the date short

C)  reschedule for Monday

none of which are awesome solutions

and "finding a sitter" isn't easy with no resources

the next door neighbors pitched in -- they are taking Pixie for a few hours

Dompossible and I are going to meet half way - -and check each other out

and

If we're "in" -- we'll come back here - pick up the baby -- put her to bed -- and then spend some time together.

and

If we're not in

I guess I'll pick up my baby girl and call it a night

I'm going to be pissed if I deforested for nothing.

Date prep

So as Dompossible and I  worry on each end about the will we won't we hit it off

to ourselves since we're not discussing it by mutual agreement

I've been working on getting ready for the date

ok

scratch that

I was supposed to be working on getting ready for the date

because he will require that I wear the plug for the date

actually

for any date

um

and not the tiny metal one

the glass plug

that's much more difficult for me

and

no

I've not been doing it

at all

for about a week

so all the work we did getting me ready to wear it long enough

out the window

So we'll be eating tapas on Sunday

but I'll be squirming a bit

and waiting for permission to remove it

but before all that

we've come to the logistical challenge

because he's staying about 45 minutes (in non rush hour traffic) from where I live

and I"ll be going that way the first date

and If I put it in before I leave home
and then drop off Pixie

yeah

I won't make it

so I offered to stop at a Starbucks and insert it
which he vetoed

because it really is quite difficult for me to put in
and I might need some time

and you know

no one knocking at the door for me to hurry up because they've been swilling lattes for hours and need to go.

so I will borrow his room (with both keys) to insert it before we go out to dinner

(don't freak out ya'll - I've vetted the crap out of him - he's cleaner than I am)

so

I am up to an hour and 1/2

at which point I was begging to be done
and

I doubt I'll make more headway in the next day and 1/2

but

won't it make for good blogging

And it is done.

The baby is just stirring and I'm out of my shower

yeah

you heard my right

MY SHOWER

because I got one -- jealous?

HA!

and I don't have to yell at anyone today

I don't have to go wake someone up from sleeping 6 times to get them ready
I don't have to nag a soul

in fact

I won't have to nag anyone about anything for several years.

ahhhh

yesterday was hard

the girls took it hard
but didn't bargain as I thought they might
knowing
that it was done

that all of their things were already in the Case Manager's car

there were tears
even some on my side
I hated hurting them

but I left feeling lighter
and I awake feeling hopeful.

and

it has not occurred to me

that I am meeting Dompossible in about 57 hours
and that's a pretty exciting/terrifying/wonderful thing

Furious -- and surprised that I can still be surprised

I have been nagging my Case Manager (you all know her as the Cunt Case Manager) -- with emails entitled "Transition Logistics"

because while the therapist and I can strategize all we want -- ultimately she's the one that has to come through with the plan.

She told me I would have the plan today -- and apparently the "plan" is to ask me to call the new foster mom and "work it out"

work it out?
WORK IT OUT?

Meanwhile I was accidentally copied on an email to CPS informing them of the change -- (really? on Tuesday at 4pm - -for a change that is due to happen on Thursday?)

While I boiled over.

I wrote an email to the therapist (who works for the agency) for her thoughts

and I'll blow my top tomorrow.

As I cannot get the girls to do anything I want them to do
and they refused to go to respite this weekend

I can't imagine that I can pack up their things --put them in the car and take them to the new foster home  without there being a huge meltdown that will be highly traumatic for everyone involved.

I'm sure they will just tell me to lie to them

I'm starting to really hate my agency

I feel like I've made a deal with the devil sometimes -- and there's nothing I can do at this point

they have me where they want me.

*************
In other news

I am finally on the mend -- as is FL and the baby -- we've all been very very ill.

and Dompossible is coming on Sunday
and I am very very nervous

We've banned talking about our nerves about "no chemistry" -- but the worry is still there.

but
maybe maybe maybe there'll be something to talk about here soon

stay tuned in the meantime for Thursday's drama.

Meltdown

The baby is sick

not horribly sick
but running a bit of a fever
and snotty
and crying and crying and crying

We had KK's birthday party
and she got to revved up
and too sugared up

and when I came back from my parents with the baby it was clear that I can't do the next 24 hours like this

and I called and arranged respite

and KK and FL

just dug in

KK's tactic was to have a fall on the ground tantrum
and FL's was to simply state that she wasn't going

during this they both bargained by telling me they would be good and follow directions

ultimately

I can't make them do anything

I can't force them into the car
so

finally

I just gave in

because I only have to make it 5 more days

and told them to go to their rooms
and stay there.

tonight they are allowed out of their rooms to eat dinner

and then must return

tomorrow they are not allowed out of their rooms until their room is clean (I have pointed out the logic of cleaning their rooms tonight so they can just be off restriction tomorrow.

they have both agreed to this

and even after the baby goes to sleep

I need them to stay in their rooms

Everyone in this house is miserable.

They are being moved on Thursday after school.  I will pack them up on Thursday while they are in school and  drop off their stuff.

and then I will take them to therapy on Thursday - where they will be told of the change and will go home with their new foster mom.

If I ever thought I could do this
today would have cemented it.

I wish it could be some other way

but it cannot

so on a day when I threw KK a really nice party
everyone in this house is upside down
and miserable.

Plug expulsion

Dompossible wants me to practice with the plug - as he requires it as date-wear

we've been working with the small plug
but last night graduated to the larger plug

It was a rough night with the girls
they were on the warpath with me

and in the end it resulted with one of them with a shoulder strain and a concussion

yeah

great night

meanwhile
I had a date with Dompossible pending

and fortunately he had time on his side and could wait for me

finally
finally
FINALLY

we had our time

and he directed me through the insertion of the smaller plug
and we chatted for a bit as my body got used to it

and when it came time for the larger plug
with his voice in my ear

and warning me not to slack off (as I tend to do -- making several attempts at it)

but just to continue on
until I was successful

and then

it was in
and It was that lovely feeling of fullness and calmness

I was given permission to masturbate
and eventually permission to cum
and when I asked for permission to cum again
came so hard that I shot that plug right out.

yeah

so classy

I spent about 5 minutes giggling with Dompossible
which was just about the most wonderful thing
so nice to know that we can laugh

before I was told to insert it again
and warned that in person - such a thing would bring a penalty

"I would expect no less, Sir"

Oh how things have changed

I was about 7 or 8 and my mom pulled up to a store and asked me to run in and get her cigarettes.

Mom:  Do you know what kind?
Me:  Salems - the green ones

I ran in and got the cigarettes and brought them proudly back

Mom:  Oh sweetie -- Mommy smokes 100's not Kings

(I remember being very confused -- why wouldn't "kings" be the big ones?)

A simple enough task

A few days ago the tailgate of my mom's minivan (which I am driving because I have a pile of kids) came down on my head -- almost knocking me out and making me shout mother fucker in my drive way

It hurt enough that I thought it would give me a black eye

I considered the ER
but I had places to go

it stopped pounding after a few hours and the much feared black eye never made an appearance -- I am reminded of it regularly when I try to wash my hair or like tonight when FL hit me on the head accidentally.

We had a horrid day

I decided to take them to the local Ren. Faire - because it should be a ton of fun - but I failed to remember that they are awfully judgemental and mostly wandered around pronouncing it "boring"

On the drive home I had 'had enough' -- and at one point because the girls would not follow directions pulled a trick out of my Dad's playbook and "pulled the car over"

I'm planning a birthday party for KK next weekend and I let them know that it's not a done deal and I'm more than happy to call it off.

and received many promises of good behavior.

which lasted about 5 minutes.

many meltdowns later
and after waking the baby up
twice

I finally called it on the day -- and went to bed

Dompossible and I had chatted during the day -- I have a few little rules to start us off and dip a toe in the water -- one of which is to send 4 messages a day of submission

I sent them today in RenFaire speak -- which was fun

another is some training with the plug -- he has mentioned that an anal plug is standard date wear and I have told him that I cannot wear it through an entire date --so we are working me up to it.

I thought that after today - it might be the one single thing I could do right

so I finally made it here to my room -- and recalled that Dompossible has asked me to put it under my pillow at night

(must remember to remove it before the housekeeper comes)

and I couldn't find it

fast forward to me with my ass in the air looking under the mattress and eventually shoving one arm between mattress and wall to fish out what instead was a baby sock covered with dust bunnies.

the tricky bastard had worked it's way down into the sheets -- and just as I was about to slip on the collar and meet my task

a knock at the door

KK wants to write her invitations tonight

"no baby - not tonight - it's too late"

(insert tantrum here)

"sweetie - the fact that you're having a meltdown is a sign that it's too much for you"

I return to my room - lube in hand
and just as I get the plug in place

knock knock knock

a tearful KK
I follow her in thinking something horrible
a wet bed perhaps
a first period
something momentous

but no

FL has decided to "help" the OCD KK in invite writing and has scratched out a mistake on an invite

GASP!

so I know that many of you go about your day plug inserted and function normally

but it's a strange thing to fuss at the kids plugged

very strange indeed

more logic proffered
and rejected

and finally

I retired to my room
and sat to write
plugged
and finally
collared -- although nervous that the girls will come in with some new crisis
a torn envelope perhaps

or being short one goodie bag

when all I wanted to do
was come in my room and have a tiny little orgasm.

sigh

11 days

Success Criteria

I neither poked my eyes out nor did I commit a homicide.

sfp for the WIN!

(it was touch and go and I pulled the car over at one point in time)

Fuck me

tonight is a mommy's night out at the daycare

only thing is

KK got in BIG trouble at my mother's house -- and then refused to apologize properly
which sent my mother through the roof

so I put her in timeout

where she wailed as if I had pulled out her fingernails

seriously?

it's not my first day
I know your fucking tricks little girl

so now

time out has moved to my house
where it will continue until it's time to go to Mommy's night out

because I will NOT be punished by THEIR bad behavior (FL's been on red since 8am)

and all I can think is

fuck me
I should have put them in respite.

I really should have

it's my fault for thinking we could have one nice peaceful weekend

KK just has to be good until 6pm
and then we'll go
but every time she sticks her nose out of time out

I add to her (my) sentence

so

clearly I'm mad
and I shouldn't blog mad
I really shouldn't

and I should try to let things go
but
at the same time
I cannot have my house turned upside down 24/7

and part of this is that I discovered on Thursday that my agency has not told  CPS or anyone involved with the girls that I have given notice for them to go.

which concerns me.

12 days
I can do 12 day

I can.

right?

Blowing kisses and crazy days

I'm teaching Pixie to blow kisses.
she's just about figured it out.

and I've had a great week
the girls are trying hard to be good and supportive - but it's hard for them to maintain

I'm having a blast making baby food -- she won't be eating it for long -- so I may as well have fun with it while it lasts - she eats people food about half the time.

btw -- if you ever come here I recommend you order the strawapplecot -- made with dried strawberries and dried apricots and gala apples.

mmmmmm

but the blue-apple is coming in a close second along with gingered carrots.

Pixie and I are getting a routine down and this is good.

She had a visit with her birth mom -who is furious that she's been moved to a new home
and extra super furious that I've requested zero contact with her.

I also met with Pixies lawyer who encouraged me to be careful when dropping Pixie off for visits as there are family members who sit in the parking lot and are "militia-types"

you know

because I need my life to feel MORE like a lifetime movie than it already does.

In the meantime - there is someone that I've been talking to
for a very long time

I want to say that we started talking in November just as friends
and slowly
slowly
slowly

we've become more than friends

he was reading here
but he's since stopped reading -- because he knows that it's hard for me to write freely if my partner is reading.

He doesn't live here

but he travels here often

and will be here shortly after the girls move on.

I'm nervous but excited

and we're dipping a toe into the submission water

and in fact -- I'm assigned to wear a collar when I'm at home in privacy (like now)
and wear a leather  cord on my ankle when I'm out

will this be what we want it to be?

perhaps

but I like him
He's kind
and focused

and

well -- not what I thought I would like

but
I want to see where this goes

and if it does go somewhere?

well

I guess he'll get his blog name.

Don't wait...

I heard about this Ted Talk the other day on NPR -- This touched me so much - bringing me to tears.  One of the things they talked about was how important it is to not put off doing something good just because you want to do something great

that everything matters

all of it

every kindness

every effort

no matter how small

and in fact

sometimes

it's the small acts that mean the most.

lately I think I've been worried that I haven't done enough

that 

at the end of it all

it won't matter what I've done

that 

I will not make a mark

and you know what?

it doesn't matter

that I haven't fixed it all

it only matters that I've tried.

My crazy first days

Its' been a crazy few days

The girls are trying very hard to be good
partially because I've informed them that if they are NOT good that I will have no choice but to send them to respite

they are crazy about the pixie

but they are struggling with my goodnight process with the pixie

because she's SO focused on having me with her that I have to let her to a bit of crying it out

yes -- we all have different theories

but what is working here is letting her cry a bit and then going in and just putting one hand on her back for about 60 seconds

repeat for about 20 minutes (but less every night)

it drives the girls nuts

but I'm standing firm on this one.

the kiddo is home from college and leaving for her country in the morning
so today was filled with last minute errands

emergency 18 yr old errands - like buying perfume for her sister
and college touring (in MY area - SQUEEEEEE!)

and fun emergencies like my toilet burping in the right and having sewage GERD into the bathtub (yay plumber!)

Tuesday's fun:

Drive the kiddo to the airport
Grocery shopping
Visit from the Cunt Case Manager

Wednesday:
EVERYONE goes to see their birthparents

Thursday
Yipee Therapy!

Friday
Taking the baby and lunch to the girls at work (4 out of 5 have birthdays this week)

and that my friends?

That's the vacation -- pretty much all of it.

all while dodging tornados

I deserve a cookie.

sfp

Thank you to an amazing man

Over the past few months Sir P has been a rock for me

providing me with a touchstone
structure

a shoulder to cry on
a sound voice telling me that I can do it

and when the time came
telling me that it was ok to say that I didn't want to do it any more

but over the past couple of months
Sir P has had a major change in his life
and

well - the changes in my life are well chronicled

and we've run out of the time we need to sustain what we have

He is a wonderful friend
and a terrific mentor
and I hope he knows
how much I love him
and couldn't have made it through this year without him

I wish the distance were less
or the availability were different

because he is just about the best man a girl could hope to know

Thank you Sir P

for everything.

Day 1

I think there's a chance that the pixie has gone to sleep.

I'm reading "The Baby Whisperer" who has me shh shh shhing but no other interaction to get her to sleep and so far?

dare I say it?

I think she's asleep.

rofl - woke up the second I typed the "p"

*
*
*
*
*
*

ok

I'm back
and I'm not going to jinx myself again

It was a crazy emotional day

and now
I'm quietly watching TV
and starting to realize that this is what it'll be like in 3 eternally long short weeks

as the pixie and I start our lives together

cross everything you've got

8 weeks to the termination meeting

More than you Know

Small is good

Sometimes I lament that my blog is small.

I've been blogging a long time -- I have a few followers -- they wax and wane over the years.  I have a lot of "followers" -- but I doubt most of the read me any more -- but rather have me up there as a memory.

the topics have shifted greatly over the past few years (it's been nearly 3 for this blog and was a year 1/2 for the other blog) -- so it limits readership.

I have good friends here that I would miss mightily -- and as much as I sometimes think I'll stop blogging completely -- I never do

I'm drawn back again and again

today I was reading over at Nilla - and I had cause to be grateful for being small - as one of her commenters felt the need to be a bit critical -- essentially -- "My master would never be so mean to me, but I'm happy it floats your boat" sort of way

a complisult - (insult wrapped in a compliment)

and I thought about how seldom I have that here.

not because I'm in any way superior -- but because it's much more intimate over here.

I want to thank you all for being such great readers
nah

for being my friends and family

as I come to the end
or at least as I can see the end of this crazy adventure

and the beginning of the next adventure

I am heartily glad that you all come here to pat me on the back and encourage me.
and smile with me

and

sometimes shed a tear with me.

Thank you all.

sfp

PS -- that snarky girl on Nilla's blog can kiss my ass

followed by a double meltdown

Lies told today

"I have to have that sharpie back, it was given to me by my best friiiiiiieeeeend"

"KK gave me your keys and told me to get the mail" as she tries to shove every key into the box

"the neighbors want me to chase their bunnies"

"I did hang up my clothes"

"I don't know how the pillows go on the sofa"

"I'm not throwing a tantrum"

"I don't have any homework"

"I didn't get another snack"

"I did brush my teeth"

followed by my favorite moment of the night

FL:  "KK just called you a P-H-U-T-O"
me:  "That's not how that's spelled"

I guess that's not what I was supposed to say.

KK was in a rotten mood all night

throwing a tantrum that involved throwing herself on the sofa - kicking all the pillows off and screaming

I sent her to run around the block to burn off the bad juju

"are you done?  do you need to run some more?"

she did

she needed 3 laps

and still had another tantrum

but a much less energetic one.

Happy Monday!

(oh - during all of the FL was required to hang up her clothes -- which took her about 40 minutes because she couldn't stop taking clothes off the hangers and then back on and then crying about her vintage heirloom sharpie)

A happy day

Today was a happy day

and

no one made me breakfast in bed

no one bought me flowers

and yet

it was a wonderfully happy day

I had a nice lunch with my parents and the Pixie

the girls were in respite

and when I picked them up I have them the news that the pixie was joining our little clan

and the girls were overjoyed.

happy for me

yeah

go figure

happy for me

a moment of empathy on their side

they played with the neighbor kids
and

I made oven smores for everyone to share

and I fussed at my kids and they fussed at theirs

and everyone's now asleep

and I'm about to curl  up in my bed
and dream of the future

tomorrow may be a dark pit of despair
but today
my girls who never think of anyone but themselves
told me they were proud of me
and gave me a hug
and are over the moon happy that I might get a baby.

Things that make me happy (and a news roundup)

We had some baby drama this week. (long adoption related story -- skip it if you want)

The foster parents have to go out of town on the 17th - -and asked me if I could take the Pixie at that point.

Now -- this is a 3 week overlap with KK and FL - so not ideal -- but not horrible either.

I agreed to it -- I don't want ANYONE ELSE GETTING THEIR HANDS ON HER.

because if I don't take her -- and someone else respites her -- they would have as much claim on her as I  do as a bonded caregiver.

so no

no one else is getting the Pixie.

So I told them we could do the transfer then.

now -- this sounds outrageous right?  Who are we to make that decision.  But we've been pushed by CPS to make this change faster -- and so the foster father was on the way to go see the agency worker anyway-- so he told him it would work for us on that day.

I called the adoption placement director R -- and she was ok with this (she's the one who's been telling me all along that I can manage all 3 for a finite time)

meanwhile
the Case Manager (who I now only think of as Strawberry Shortcake bossing me around (sigh -- yes I am horrible)) sends a message to the foster parents that says, "sfp cannot take Pixie until FL and KK are out of the house".

what?

um

what?

because it's always been proposed that I take her before the girls are out.

when we questioned her about it saying that it was fine with adoption director R -- her response was "the head of the agency said no - -and R works for her"

Now - -this is actually Strawberry Shortcakes real problem -- she's bad with people.  I want to actually coach her on this and say, "Strawberry -- you're pissing off your clients AND you are boxing yourself into a corner and about to make yourself look irrelevant when we make this happen anyway"

because, "oh my goodness -- it sounds like R and the head of the agency might be in different places about this -- let me get them talking to each other -- in the meantime, don't communicate with CPS yet and we'll get this all straightened out"

because

we did talk to everyone and guess what

the Pixie is coming her on the 17th to stay!

so KK and FL are in respite -- and I need to turn my room into a combo bedroom/nursery for about a month -- so move furniture -- put up the crib -- and then go get the Pixie for the weekend

we are going to a birthday party for a friend's 3 yr old -- and I get to put her in a cute little dress and show her off.

(yes -- I went a little nuts -- but these are totally cute and I only spent $28 on ebay and a consignment clothing store -- I threw myself a little shower)

Also rans

I'm not one of those people who never speaks to you again if we decide not to date

so I end up with a lot of male friends that say hello from time to time

and of course - -some of them are Doms.

and there are 2 that I've played with from time to time that have been chatting me up for the past few weeks.

Dom A -- emailed me with an offer.  He wanted me to be his slave and proposed some limited categories - understanding that I have a very demanding life.  I did consider this offer -- I've known him for years and having someone local that I trust to play with

well

it sounded like a possibility

so I started asking some questions

which clearly pissed him off

because when we finally came down to the nitty gritty- he wanted 100% control.  I asked if I would be allowed autonomy over work, spirituality, family and adoption -- and he told me "no" - that a slave must trust her master's character to make the right choices.

blink
blink
blink

first off -- who ever said I wanted to be a slave?

and unless you plan to marry me and live with me 24/7 -- I don't see how you can make all my decisions for me

and what the hell are the "right" choices anyway?

and we parted ways
the usually way
he made one comment "no worries" and then signed off

what a tool

****************
Dom B is someone I played with a while back -- who wanted me to go meet him and his Dom/sub clients from out of town to play.

um

what?

No.

why would I do that?

I haven't had sex with YOU - I'm going to do it and let them watch?

nice try

***************
it does make one wonder if the attempt to be friends is really possible -- or are we really just putting each other on the back burner.

which isn't right or fair to anyone.

(more personal news soon - when there is more to tell)

sfp

May resolution

I have not had a great few months

tonight I spent the night fighting with the girls - it cost FL 8 more days of lost internet - and I didn't even add any more on for telling me that I was a bitch

you can't punish her for telling the truth

she has turned me into a bitch.

so

I'm going to try to focus on things that make me happy -- every time I want to blog and can't come up with anything to say -- I'm going to focus on something positive -- something lovely

So

obviously - here's something I can tell you is making me very happy right now -- my little Pixie.

we're not allowed to post photos of foster kids that include their faces -- but she's managed to take care of that problem for me here.

Now it will be hard to beat this for something that makes me happy -- but it's not a competition - -it's instead an opportunity during a rather difficult time to find some joy.

Lies and other irritating games

The 9 year old today at therapy was bored

I was on the phone as we waiting for FL to finish her session and she decided to start mimicking me

seriously -- who DOESN'T that piss off.

so I started off by making funny faces -- which eventually cracked her up.

finally

I got down on the floor

and she followed

and I moved into the full lotus position (I'm a big girl - but I'm bendy)

and then did some deep breathing (which she copied)

complete with OHMMMMMsss

and then did some stretches to the side

until she tipped over

MOM for the win

HA!

eventually - she got bored and started nosing through her sister's notebook
and found a note

written in 2 colors of marker

FL and her BFF writing to each other and FL offering the BFF all of her allowance to do her homework.

KK ratted FL out (at some point FL needs to kick her little sister's ratting ass -- someone needs to CodeRed her ass) and gave me the note

so

this has cost FL a week of internet

hours later - with crocodile tears FL tries to tell me this wasn't her note -- and I told her that I didn't believe her - the punishment stands -- and she was tearful --swearing that someone else just used the note and passed it back and forth with FL

this allowed me to discuss the fact that she has lied to me about something every single day since she walked through my door.

her argument that it wasn't EVERY single day eventually cracked us both up

"oh - not the days you were at the other foster house?"

sigh

so it's been a hell of a night

everyone is in trouble

KK ended the night by throwing a glass of water (plastic) in the sink so she's starting tomorrow in the hole on behavior as well.

and

we're going to watch the baby this weekend.

this is going to be a complete clusterfuck

I'm I sending out some sort of pheromone?

apparently I am

because I was contacted by a swarm of former suitors again (well - ok -- 2 - -but within minutes of each other)

the guy that lives around the corner - you remember him as the guy who beat the crap out of me -- was checking up again

mostly wanting to know if the girls were still here

he's the one that I don't much care for unless I'm in the same room with him - -and then I become jello

Must stay at least 4 blocks away -- or invest in turtlenecks.

and

another that is from the far past who wants to be my Dom -- and have me turn myself over to him

now

I really liked this guy when he was in the consideration phase

but then he turned me down because I wasn't his physical type

which really hurt my feelings

and

well - gosh - that's hard to get over.

I like him as a Dom - -but I sort of think he's an asshole as a person.

so

gee thanks guys -- I'll just be over here waiting for my prince to come

in other news

FoxyLoxy had a shit day

she had this little boyfriend -- who she fully intended to dump today btw

but he dumped her first

with a MEAN note in her locker

that said he hated her and called her a fatty

which is hysterical
because she's all angles and bones.

it was horrible misspelled with awful penmanship (he even spelled fatty with one t)

I offered to correct and grade it so she could return it to him - which earned a laugh - but somehow is too geeky a revenge for her taste

horrible little shit.

She was very hurt -- but since the relationship has only been for the past 10 days or so - I imagine the heartbreak will not survive the weekend.

poor thing

sfp

What's next

So today I read the little one's file -- and found nothing new

and discovered that the foster parents endorsed me

and made some plans

including - seeing if the foster parents will allow us to take her next weekend to allow the girls to get used to the idea of having a little one here

and we'll work on making the transition happen as soon as possible.

because the sooner the better is my new thought

If they terminate rights -- I have to have her in my house for 6 months before I can finalize -- and the sooner that 6 month count starts the better.

I had a long talk with my director today

and I sort of like the idea of her current parents being a part of her world
and her current sibs

cousins of a sort

and why not

she wouldn't have cousins otherwise

and what a nice thought that is.

more to come
but

in spite of having a 2nd night with the puke-twins

things are looking up

My day

At 11, I got to the restaurant - the foster parents had agreed to lunch but nothing more
and I received a text that they would be 30 minutes late

I sent a text to my good friend that read, "torture - they are going to be 30 minutes late"

which I accidentally sent to them

(facepalm)

but that really broke the ice for us -- as they thought it was sweet.

at 1 - we agreed that I would come over to play with her for a bit but that keeping her overnight was out of the question

and it took until 530 for them to decide I should take her home for the night to spend some time

she's here now

and

she's lovely

she still has those rolls of baby fat as she's not walking yet
and she babbles and blows raspberries at me
she has fine blonde curls and pale blue eyes

and right now is exploring the portable crib
and talking to me

How is it possible that anyone would have this precious angel in their home and not want to adopt her?
how is it possible?

the truth is that this couple got so lucky that they got 3 infants
and are adopting 2

they've had no kids pulled out of the home with little or no notice
they've had an avalanche of luck

and maybe maybe maybe
this is just the break I needed

and

it will be hard with the other girls
but

I will make it work
my hope is renewed.

Meeting her tomorrow.

all I know
is that she's 10 months old
with blond hair
and that cps wants her to go for adoption
and

that I'm meeting her at 11 tomorrow.

Everything happens for a reason

People love to tell you that -- don't they?

that everything happens for a reason

and

we always want to assume that the REASON is something positive
something good

that it's fated

but

has it not occurred to us that if there is a REASON that it doesn't necessarily follow that the reason is going to be something positive?

just some thoughts

because

fuck me

my belief that FATE IS BULLSHIT is being tested mightily

every time I start to give up on my agency
something pulls me back in

and

now that I've had this experience with KK & FL
I've received a possible offer of a kiddo that could be THE ONE

although

it would mean adding to my family while the girls are still here

big fucking decision here.

so

how do I say "no" to a healthy
1 year old girl?

that is here NOW

the answer is I don't think I can say "no" to that

no matter the cost

it feels like FATE

it feel that everything has happened for a reason
in fact

maybe they're thinking of me because I'm on their  mind with the debacle with the girls
maybe that's why I get first dibs
maybe she's fated to be mine

or maybe

FATE's a bitch who just likes fucking with us for her own entertainment.

Moments of peace

It's late
I should be in bed
but I'm enjoying some quiet

the girls are asleep
at least I think they are
the house is (mostly) clean

we had a pretty good day
although KK ended on yellow
and FL managed to stay on Green

and
the anguish
of the past few weeks has faded a bit
not because of anything in particular

perhaps just because no one can sustain that much stress for so long.

and perhaps because I stood up for myself and told the case manager that I wasn't going to participate in another walk though

I just said

"no, I'm not going to do that - and I'll get done what I get done"

so I'm enjoying a bit of peace
and thinking of the future

thinking of new plans

thinking of the kiddo coming home from college for a few days
thinking of Pisa and Rome and Naples

practicing my italian

thinking of at some point in time of getting laid again

and maybe even finding a bit of love

yes

setting limits
and
making plans
and looking forward

all good things
that help to bring moments of peace.

I care deeply, I don't give a fuck

Imagine me pulling off petals of a daisy

I alternately care a huge amount about my state inspection on Thursday

and want to tell them all to go take a flying fuck

it's an interesting thing

I guess it's part of being a people pleaser - I want them to like me -- accept me -- endorse me
but

I also want them to get the fuck away from me

so

I've twisted myself in knots

because I resent doing the stuff I need to do
but I also feel a burning desire to do it

it's only a few more days

the cunt case manager has drummed up a reason to come by tomorrow after work to "drop off" something so essential that I've never even heard of it before

it's really an excuse to look around my place again
which

she's really not welcome to do

and it means that I may have to be openly rude to her
which I mostly avoid

mostly

and

I've managed to worry myself into gastric distress

sigh

in the meantime
my ear worm italian CDs came in -- so this is playing in the background

Retreat

I am boring myself with my own unhappiness lately

seriously

boring myself silly

I have retreated dramatically on all fronts

I tried to go out to an event on Saturday
but left after about 20 minutes

my heart wasn't in it

the leader of this group is a the sweetest kindest Dom
he gave me a hug and a shoulder the lean on
but frankly
that sort of thing makes me lonelier than ever
because it emphasized what I do not have

yes

I could go get my ass spanked
or have an empty encounter

but that's not what I want

and I am far away from the one or ones I would want
so I have retreated a bit there too

I should have been industrious this weekend
and gotten a great many things done

but instead

I fantasized about my vacation
and
focused on the crash course in Italian I'm giving myself

(I have 1 semester of Italian and about 8 years of Spanish - -so this isn't as impossible as it sounds - I can learn a huge amount of Italian in a month)

what I want right now is a big warm lap
to curl up on

I need someone to spoon around me
and let me fall asleep

I don't need that spanking I thought I needed
or to be fucked
I need
to be tucked in
and taken care of

Vorrei che qualcuno mi ami

but instead
I will put myself to bed
and call it a night.

The one where SFP throws her case manager out of her house

I'm being inspected by the state next week

for

a job I don't even fucking want to have any more

and

have I mentioned what a cunt I think my case manager is?

ok

that's mean

she's not a cunt

she's a child
and she's condecending
and
irritating

I dislike her intensely

she lectures
which

coming from someone not yet 30?
pisses me off

so - she's giving me a pre inspection
and going around telling me all the insane things I need to fix/change/do

and she starts to go through my BEDROOM
which is not a child care area
and I made it clear that she may NOT go through my private things

her assertion that the state will?

doesn't mean a fucking thing to me
YOU, cunt -- are not going to go through MY shit and judge me

hit the bricks sister.

Her original plan was to stay with me until the girls got home
I made clear that there was a starbucks about a mile away with wifi

yeah

I have been flinging the cheese again.

**********

later on -- after the girls were coached on following directions
KK had a complete meltdown at my house and not only is on red - but lost her iPod for a week.
they're going to respite again

for everyone's sake.

*********

also

right now?
I think it's Paris and Rome

but we'll see.

If the BFF can't come?
I may just get a eurail pass and see what sort of trouble I can get myself into

just me
a small bag
and my laptop

could be fun.

Any suggestions?

So the BFF and I are trying to figure out where to go and what to do

and it got me thinking?

If you could go anywhere in Europe for a week - where would you go?  what would you do?

Our ideal scenario would be to have a central spot and do day trips from there and avoid the "ifitstuesdaythismustbebelgium" thing that Americans tend to do

so

what do you guys suggest?

(I'm bilingual in Spanish - and can only order a Ham Sandwich in German and can only say that I don't speak Italian well - in Italian....come to think of it, my french is limited to "where is"  - and can insert the name of a place -- but I am unable to understand the directions)

help us plan our adventure?

Looking ahead

I have given notice to the agency for the girls to move to a home that can better support their needs and am awaiting word on what will happen.  They have up to 30 days to make a change

so

I'm looking ahead at what I should do

I will be taking a break from fostering

I may also

go get that dog I've been dreaming of
go on vacation with my BFF (we're thinking about 10 days in Europe and are trying to decide where)

and

changing the direction I'm going on the adoption front

many many thoughts on all of this

well

right now

mostly thinking about sunny Spain....

Quiet time

So

I don't have much to write about these days

I feel sort of obliged to write something
but I'm exhausted by writing what I have been

and

there's nothing else I want to talk about

So

I'm going to tell you
that you don't need to worry about me

Sir P is looking out for me
he is advising me
and

I am making good smart decisions for myself

I am exhausted
and frustrated
but

life carries on

and

at some point I'll have something to write about here again

sfp

Shore Leave

The girls are going to respite for 2 days -- starting in 57 minutes.

and I'm

well

I'm not sure what I'm doing -- but it will be kidless

there will be some laundry and house cleaning

and a dinner with a friend

and

quiet

I may go to a NC-17 movie - -not because I want to -- just because I can.

so there

I wish I could hot a plane and go see Sir P

but short of that?

I'll settle in and watch my own damn TV without my name being bellowed every 5 minutes.

TV nostalgia

KK and I were talking about TV tonight
she wanted to hear about a story from my childhood
about me and TV

and I was explaining about the Addams Family

and all the characters

there was a long explanation about why Wednesday Addams was named Wednesday

and I was unable to successfully explain why it's so funny that her doll's name was Marie Antoinette to a 9 year old.

and then I came out after prayers to play some music on the TV

and frankly wonder why I pay for cable any more

since the girls got here

I hardly watch the thing

which

is so strange

because I swear to God I spent endless hours in front of the TV

and I hardly let the girls watch any at all.

it's like a prison camp here

lol

I watch a bit of Netflix in bed at night

but really?

it's sort of become a really large strange appliance at my house

before the girls got here it was on all the time

now?

meh

in other news

things have been beyond shitty around here
and I don't want to talk about it

suffice it to say that I've come close to quitting

and I don't mean the thought passed casually
but that it was and continues to be weighed carefully

and as my agency tries to talk me off the ledge
(which pisses me off to no end)
I try to figure out what's right for me

because I'm the only one involved in this process who IS worried about me.

Beat down

I'm a bit beaten down lately

exhausted
feeling a bit sick

lost

not feeling like I do anything well

everything is a struggle
a battle

and lonely

not because I'm alone
but

because

I need more than those around me have to give

and

am still needing

a beat down

how strange is that

every once in awhile I look from the outside into our world

and think how strange that is

that I need a beat down
that

I need someone to break down all the walls

and bring me to the basic core of who I am

there's no chance of it any time soon
but

until then

I will fantasize about it
and imagine it

and know

that that's a bit part of what's wrong with me
that I'm out of kilter
and need my beat down

Horribly inappropriate moment # 17

KK shows me in a restaurant today how she pantomimes sucking a lollypop

iiiiiiiiin exactly the same way that teenage boys pantomime giving head

sigh

apparently her big sister played a joke on the 9 year old and I get to explain why it's naughty

her response

"oh - is that why my teacher keeps looking at me over her glasses?"

sigh

Out of Place

You may have noticed the silence over here

things have been bad

throw in the towel bad

worse than I want to talk about

and

today

Sir P

asked me if I was free for a call

and

I told him no

I had a meeting

and

then I went radio silent

and he gently called me out on it

on shutting him out.

I was
I was hurting
I still am a bit

and like I do

I closed ranks
and shut down

I crawled into my hole
and pulled the hole in after me

and his note
reached into that dark hole
and pulled me back out

and as we chatted
I was reminded
that in some ways

I'm still needing
that beating

that I'm out of my place
sometimes so far out of my place
that I can't see it

that I can't find that groove that I fit into so well.

funny

how sometimes I start to think about who I am
and what I need
as luxuries

but they're not

it's a requirement
a need
it sustains

so this girl
is craving
the hand
the belt

and yes Sir P
perhaps even the brush

whatever it takes

to shift me back into place

but for now
it was enough
to be reminded

that I need his help
and it's ok to take it.

Turning the Tables

Another shitting day in chez sfp

holidays suck
a regular Monday is one thing -you don't compare it as much to home

but a holiday?

all the differences are glaring
especially for my family
as we do holidays in a rather small way

as I drove back from the shoe store
FL was telling me all the ways in which living with their Aunt would be better

and I had sort of had it
because

well - because sometimes I feel like -- "screw you - -I'm doing my best"
even though it's not appropriate

and I told her that I'm sure that her aunt's house IS more fun
but that it's not where she lives

FL was pissed at me
because I wouldn't let them ogle the pets at petsmart's adoption faire
and because I put her on yellow for refusing to get out of the car

so FL informed me that she wasn't going to speak at all for the rest of the day

I considered escalating and saying "GOOD  -- WE'LL ALL HAVE ABETTER DAY THEN!"

because I am not 10
I didn't say it

instead

I turned in the seat and said,

"No - let's do something else - I"ll make you a bet that you can't not talk -- for the rest of the night - if you do it -- I'll give you 10 coins - and if you can't -- you pay me 10 coins - it's a game"

HA!

she took he bait - but instead - it was turn it to green if she wins - and pay 10 coins for losing

and she did a great job

until we walked out of the movies and she couldn't hold it in

and we all laughed and went out for slurrpies

and finally made it home.

Happy Easter

Regrets

I wanted to post something to get last night's post off the top.

because last night was last night
and today is today

and while I needed to get it out

it's not 100% of my reality

today is a new day

and today I want to talk about regrets

I've been talking to M
as you know if you read here

if you're my ex

you're in my life for good

sorry -- it's a lifelong commitment to be my friend

so

M and I talk

and

now that his life is much less shitty?

divorce is finalized
new job
light at the end of the tunnel

he can see what he tossed away

and does this mean anything for us?

no

I think not

but

it makes me feel

hmmm

vindicated?

wanted?

something like that

What goes up - -must come down

I fucking hate it when they see their family
it must take 5 days for them to get back to normal

and then we have about 9 days of ok
and then back to horrible.

as I wrote the words "back to normal" - I wonder if this really is normal
maybe the good stuff is abnormal for them

fuck

I don't know

all I know is that things are really fucking bad here right now

everyone's hurting
and frustrated

KK is so fucking defiant I don't know how do deal with it

I swear I could chop off her foot and she would just say, "SO?  That all you got?!?"

until I end up napalming her again

and she melts down

tonight

she refused to follow any direction
including walking to the car

she crawled to the fucking car on her hands and knees

why?

she couldn't figure out how to open up the easter eggs and was dismayed that the variety of candy in them was insufficient

sigh

that and

I'm not her mom

I ended up giving her some clemency
because I was at the point where she had no TV for the next 2 days
and RED for today and tomorrow
which doesn't help anyone

she finally refused to get out the car
she was crying so hard

so I asked for an apology and got it
and fined her all her TV credits in her jar
and carried her into the house

I can't wait until she's old enough to call me a cunt and slam the door

that'll be fucking awesome.

things will be better in a few days

but right now?

it's fucking awful
and I hate this

I feel like I'm in parent bootcamp
and the drill sergeant has just kicked my ass
again

fuck.

Quick note

The dog has run off again - I assume to go home

whew

the girls are on a roll of good behavior
they go see mom today -- so I expect that to fall off a bit -- but still - they're trying and so am I

I gave FL her green star today and she said, "oh - I've sort of forgotten about that" -and I said, "because you're more focused on just having good behavior"

things are looking up

I moved the girls to a new after school daycare which is BRILLIANT
although expensive

and I don't care -- they love it
I love it

and they didn't come home all revved up.

it's a good day

sfp

fuckfuckityfuckfuck

so the girls found a lost dog

I

do

NOT

want

a

dog



NO

NO

NO

I already got

MY mom would let us keep her

and they got

your mom doesn't live here.

as if I'm in competition with their mom

fuck

fuck

fuck

Making traditions

Being a family is a bit about having shared experiences
being able to laugh at the same inside jokes

having shared memories

it's how we go from being strangers
to being friends
and eventually family

we've started a tradition

of going to the movies
in our PJs
with our stuffed animals

KK in pigtails

all of us in slippers and robes

and while it won't last

I imagine we're less than a year before we kit eye rolling and

"oh My GOD -- you are SO emaBARassing"

for now it's a lot of fun

and I'm happy we started it.

Thought for the day

What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value.
 -- Thomas Paine

Snippit

KK:  "Oh - I'm so proud to see all my green stars!"

upon getting $6 for her allowance for having 6 our of 7 Green behavior days
and FL having 7 out of 7

What good girls.

Booty Calls

I got a text tonight from from FM (if you want to catch up on FM - -you have to go back to mid January)

who I haven't heard from in over 2 months.

not a word

which is partly my fault
and partly his

but -- if you're interested in me-- make an effort.

so

out of the blue tonight

around 8pm

I got a text
asking me if I want to come over and enjoy his warm fire

it's a chilly night

 - I guess you don't ask a girl over to look at your etchings any more

so -- after telling him about the kiddos

I said, "lol - is this a booty call"?

and he responded:  "no baby - -I just enjoy your company"

NOTE TO MEN EVERYWHERE

if you ask me to come over tonight?

it's a booty call

you know it
I know it

let's not pretend it's not.

instead tell me:

"Baby, I can't get your body out of my mind - of course it's a booty call - but I love your company too - some over - I miss you"

it's  not as if I'm a prude

I have actually slept with this man
and I do like him
he's a good guy

do I want to sleep with him?

nope

I like my cervix undented
and I like my boobs unblackened.

and I like my men -- straightforward
and I like for them to like me for who I am
not just because I have a nice rack.

Comments

I feel a bit bad
I haven't answered any comments

and

at this point it's an impossible task.

so

an entire post for it

Thank you

Thank you for your continued support of my stumbling efforts to figure out how to parent traumatized preteens

Thank you for shoring me up when I wanted to despair

Thank you for listening when I needed an ear

Thank you for telling me YOUR stories to make me feel more normal

Thank you for still thinking that some of my life is hot

and

Thank you for sticking with my strange little blog

my blog with a split personality

I've needed you guys
and here you were.

so

Thank you
all of you.

And some sex

yesterday

I needed
I wanted
I craved

and so I emailed Sir P

it's partially that I have gotten a number of emails from old suitors
wanting to know how I'm doing
and if I'm back in the game

and

I'm not

so not

perhaps the pheromones are so strong they can be sensed across the city?

and it's partially that I've had a moment of peace
and

let's face it

Sir P is amazing
and amazingly hot and sexy and
that fact that I haven't been begging for sex 24/7 with a man like this in the vicinity was a sure sign of my libido being  broken.

so
I flirted
and hinted
and was sent
as a reward

to play with myself
on the half hour to the bathroom
right to the edge of cumming

Boys and Girls -- I'm so glad he didn't ask me to play for 5 minutes but not cum

because that would have been impossible

because this girl was so on the edge
all night

that the barest touch
was the edge of cumming

on my knees
in my bathroom
for a few minutes at a time

between stories
and
confidences
and
snack time

there was time for Sir P
and for me

and for the ferocity I craved
at the end of the night
when I was again allowed to cum.

The light at the end of the tunnel isn't always a train

So after some brutal fucking days

that made me want to quit

that made me want to call up my agency and say

take them

fuck it

why would ANYONE want this

love them?

I don't even LIKE them

things have settled a bit

we had the show down

and afterwards

I introduced a new aspect to the red/yellow/green plan

the gold coin.

you earn gold coins for having green days

and for random rewards

good table manners

doing something randomly nice

today I awarded a coin each for a nag free morning.

and

the combination is working

the coins are good for TV

they also
and anything else they might want

and

we've had 3 days

in a row

with both girls in the green

although KK did have to clean out the car to get out of yellow

Barbie is out of barbie prison

all is right with the world.

in other news

FL has started to ask about how I would feel if they lived with me forever

"would you be happy? - would we celebrate?"

oh

there's a trick question.

answer:

I only want what's best for you -- right now - we're all working to help your mom get better so you can go home again.....but - -if what's best for you both is to stay here with me -- I would be so happy -- we would always celebrate that day as family day -- a holiday - and would do something special every year"

She had to talk to cps today about her case
and
she can't sleep now

I told her she could fall asleep with her pillow leaned against me
she needed a little extra support tonight

and she's starting to let me in
and see that I'm no the enemy.

Do I think that it will always be this way?

fuck no

next week they'll see mom
and it'll be a fucking train wreck again

but I'm going to enjoy these few days

and try to record them here
and remember them

so later on

I can remember

that there was a glimpse of happy
on March 20, 2013.

Prayer blocked

Ring Ring

Hello Sister SFP, I'm calling from the X Church - we were so happy you visited us with KK and FL on Sunday and we hope to see you again.

Um -- Thank you -- but I don't believe we will be coming back again, the girls thought the church was a bit too big for them  (ok - they didn't say big - they said boring)

oh - I'm sorry to hear that Sister -- is there anything we could do differently.

No -- it's just not a fit for my girls.

Before I sign off - is there anything you would like to pray about?

Um - -gee -- I have a meeting I am late for -- I wish I had time.

How do you politely tell someone that you don't want them to pray for you
with you
over you

it seem so insulting to say no

to say,

"um - -Gee -- I would love to work Jesus in -- but I just don't have the time - have Jesus' people call my people and we'll pencil something in"

My Own Cuban Missile Crisis

Today was wonderful

until

right

after dinner

when the girls began to scrap

When I went out to the car - -the girls had gone out a bit before me and FoxyLoxy was crying
and KittyKat looked remorseful

well

guilty

is that the same thing?

they were scrapping and KK shut the car door and hit FL's arm

I asked FL who's eyes were full of tears if she was ok
she said yes
and KK did an apology

and I thought all was ok

when we got in the car

FL hit KK in the arm while getting down the DVD screen

insert loud wailing

I mean

LOUD WAILING

I pulled over

got out

and essentially told her to suck it up
she wasn't hurt
and carrying on was silly

seriously

FL barely tapped her

and frankly?

she had it coming

now - a bit of backstory -- we were on our way to go get ice-cream for FL and I -- KK was not allowed any because she didn't have 4 green star days last week

so KK continues to wail

and gets louder
and louder

on the way to the ice cream store

but eventually

after about 10 minutes of wailing
as if I had murdered her entire family in front of her

she cracked up

and I warned her
she was on the brink of going red for the day

and because she thinks she's funny

she pushed it

in fact

she pushed it all night until not only was she in red for the day
but lost TV until next Thursday

because the response to "no TV for 1 day" is not to wave
2 fingers in my face

and when I tell you two

to wave 3 fingers in my face

sigh

I hate their mother for letting them become THIS

as the night wore on
they started to beg to sleep together

and yes

I should have let them
but
I had had it with the constant fighting
and the stalling

and I told her no

she could have lobbied

but instead

she moved around me
and got into FL's room

so I made her an ultimatum

(therapist approved by the way)

but I napalmed her ass on this one

I told her that if she wanted to trade a WEEK of stars  - go red for 7 whole days

she could disobey and sleep with FL
even though it meant that any time she did anything all week that she would lose TV or other privileges

and she went for it

(fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck)

so I went to bed and wrote to Sir P and told him what an idiot I was

and figured I would work it out tomorrow

and a bit later
a knock on my door

FL - begging for clemency

can KK get back all her stars-- she's gone back to her own bed

(whew!)

I think the secret was that I had gone ahead and put the stickers on the calendar - -which they could see

so - back from the brink

and maybe maybe maybe

they'll start to believe that I'll go through with what I say.

Willfulness

will·ful also wil·ful  (wlfl) adj. 1. Said or done on purpose; deliberate. See Synonyms at voluntary. 2. Obstinately bent on having one's own way. willful·ly adv. willful·ness n. I am struggling with the willful nature of these two children.  Partially because it's infuriating - and partially because it's so fucking foreign to me. I was not a willful child which is not to say that I was always good not even but I was not a kiddo that would stare down a parent and I don't think that it's just because back in "my day" kids were better because I think that's bull I think that some kids are more willful than others and somehow I think that my lack of understanding for it makes me a bit less tolerant of it a bit more infuriated by it more willing to lock horns over it and -- those who are coaching me on this? their advice is to get even more firm (this includes their therapist) it leaves me exhausted at the end of the day and wanting to crawl up in Sir P's virtual lap.