Plug expulsion

Dompossible wants me to practice with the plug - as he requires it as date-wear

we've been working with the small plug
but last night graduated to the larger plug

It was a rough night with the girls
they were on the warpath with me

and in the end it resulted with one of them with a shoulder strain and a concussion

yeah

great night

meanwhile
I had a date with Dompossible pending

and fortunately he had time on his side and could wait for me

finally
finally
FINALLY

we had our time

and he directed me through the insertion of the smaller plug
and we chatted for a bit as my body got used to it

and when it came time for the larger plug
with his voice in my ear

and warning me not to slack off (as I tend to do -- making several attempts at it)

but just to continue on
until I was successful

and then

it was in
and It was that lovely feeling of fullness and calmness

I was given permission to masturbate
and eventually permission to cum
and when I asked for permission to cum again
came so hard that I shot that plug right out.

yeah

so classy

I spent about 5 minutes giggling with Dompossible
which was just about the most wonderful thing
so nice to know that we can laugh

before I was told to insert it again
and warned that in person - such a thing would bring a penalty

"I would expect no less, Sir"

Oh how things have changed

I was about 7 or 8 and my mom pulled up to a store and asked me to run in and get her cigarettes.

Mom:  Do you know what kind?
Me:  Salems - the green ones

I ran in and got the cigarettes and brought them proudly back

Mom:  Oh sweetie -- Mommy smokes 100's not Kings

(I remember being very confused -- why wouldn't "kings" be the big ones?)

A simple enough task

A few days ago the tailgate of my mom's minivan (which I am driving because I have a pile of kids) came down on my head -- almost knocking me out and making me shout mother fucker in my drive way

It hurt enough that I thought it would give me a black eye

I considered the ER
but I had places to go

it stopped pounding after a few hours and the much feared black eye never made an appearance -- I am reminded of it regularly when I try to wash my hair or like tonight when FL hit me on the head accidentally.

We had a horrid day

I decided to take them to the local Ren. Faire - because it should be a ton of fun - but I failed to remember that they are awfully judgemental and mostly wandered around pronouncing it "boring"

On the drive home I had 'had enough' -- and at one point because the girls would not follow directions pulled a trick out of my Dad's playbook and "pulled the car over"

I'm planning a birthday party for KK next weekend and I let them know that it's not a done deal and I'm more than happy to call it off.

and received many promises of good behavior.

which lasted about 5 minutes.

many meltdowns later
and after waking the baby up
twice

I finally called it on the day -- and went to bed

Dompossible and I had chatted during the day -- I have a few little rules to start us off and dip a toe in the water -- one of which is to send 4 messages a day of submission

I sent them today in RenFaire speak -- which was fun

another is some training with the plug -- he has mentioned that an anal plug is standard date wear and I have told him that I cannot wear it through an entire date --so we are working me up to it.

I thought that after today - it might be the one single thing I could do right

so I finally made it here to my room -- and recalled that Dompossible has asked me to put it under my pillow at night

(must remember to remove it before the housekeeper comes)

and I couldn't find it

fast forward to me with my ass in the air looking under the mattress and eventually shoving one arm between mattress and wall to fish out what instead was a baby sock covered with dust bunnies.

the tricky bastard had worked it's way down into the sheets -- and just as I was about to slip on the collar and meet my task

a knock at the door

KK wants to write her invitations tonight

"no baby - not tonight - it's too late"

(insert tantrum here)

"sweetie - the fact that you're having a meltdown is a sign that it's too much for you"

I return to my room - lube in hand
and just as I get the plug in place

knock knock knock

a tearful KK
I follow her in thinking something horrible
a wet bed perhaps
a first period
something momentous

but no

FL has decided to "help" the OCD KK in invite writing and has scratched out a mistake on an invite

GASP!

so I know that many of you go about your day plug inserted and function normally

but it's a strange thing to fuss at the kids plugged

very strange indeed

more logic proffered
and rejected

and finally

I retired to my room
and sat to write
plugged
and finally
collared -- although nervous that the girls will come in with some new crisis
a torn envelope perhaps

or being short one goodie bag

when all I wanted to do
was come in my room and have a tiny little orgasm.

sigh

11 days

Success Criteria

I neither poked my eyes out nor did I commit a homicide.

sfp for the WIN!

(it was touch and go and I pulled the car over at one point in time)

Fuck me

tonight is a mommy's night out at the daycare

only thing is

KK got in BIG trouble at my mother's house -- and then refused to apologize properly
which sent my mother through the roof

so I put her in timeout

where she wailed as if I had pulled out her fingernails

seriously?

it's not my first day
I know your fucking tricks little girl

so now

time out has moved to my house
where it will continue until it's time to go to Mommy's night out

because I will NOT be punished by THEIR bad behavior (FL's been on red since 8am)

and all I can think is

fuck me
I should have put them in respite.

I really should have

it's my fault for thinking we could have one nice peaceful weekend

KK just has to be good until 6pm
and then we'll go
but every time she sticks her nose out of time out

I add to her (my) sentence

so

clearly I'm mad
and I shouldn't blog mad
I really shouldn't

and I should try to let things go
but
at the same time
I cannot have my house turned upside down 24/7

and part of this is that I discovered on Thursday that my agency has not told  CPS or anyone involved with the girls that I have given notice for them to go.

which concerns me.

12 days
I can do 12 day

I can.

right?

Blowing kisses and crazy days

I'm teaching Pixie to blow kisses.
she's just about figured it out.

and I've had a great week
the girls are trying hard to be good and supportive - but it's hard for them to maintain

I'm having a blast making baby food -- she won't be eating it for long -- so I may as well have fun with it while it lasts - she eats people food about half the time.

btw -- if you ever come here I recommend you order the strawapplecot -- made with dried strawberries and dried apricots and gala apples.

mmmmmm

but the blue-apple is coming in a close second along with gingered carrots.

Pixie and I are getting a routine down and this is good.

She had a visit with her birth mom -who is furious that she's been moved to a new home
and extra super furious that I've requested zero contact with her.

I also met with Pixies lawyer who encouraged me to be careful when dropping Pixie off for visits as there are family members who sit in the parking lot and are "militia-types"

you know

because I need my life to feel MORE like a lifetime movie than it already does.

In the meantime - there is someone that I've been talking to
for a very long time

I want to say that we started talking in November just as friends
and slowly
slowly
slowly

we've become more than friends

he was reading here
but he's since stopped reading -- because he knows that it's hard for me to write freely if my partner is reading.

He doesn't live here

but he travels here often

and will be here shortly after the girls move on.

I'm nervous but excited

and we're dipping a toe into the submission water

and in fact -- I'm assigned to wear a collar when I'm at home in privacy (like now)
and wear a leather  cord on my ankle when I'm out

will this be what we want it to be?

perhaps

but I like him
He's kind
and focused

and

well -- not what I thought I would like

but
I want to see where this goes

and if it does go somewhere?

well

I guess he'll get his blog name.

Don't wait...

I heard about this Ted Talk the other day on NPR -- This touched me so much - bringing me to tears.  One of the things they talked about was how important it is to not put off doing something good just because you want to do something great

that everything matters

all of it

every kindness

every effort

no matter how small

and in fact

sometimes

it's the small acts that mean the most.

lately I think I've been worried that I haven't done enough

that 

at the end of it all

it won't matter what I've done

that 

I will not make a mark

and you know what?

it doesn't matter

that I haven't fixed it all

it only matters that I've tried.

My crazy first days

Its' been a crazy few days

The girls are trying very hard to be good
partially because I've informed them that if they are NOT good that I will have no choice but to send them to respite

they are crazy about the pixie

but they are struggling with my goodnight process with the pixie

because she's SO focused on having me with her that I have to let her to a bit of crying it out

yes -- we all have different theories

but what is working here is letting her cry a bit and then going in and just putting one hand on her back for about 60 seconds

repeat for about 20 minutes (but less every night)

it drives the girls nuts

but I'm standing firm on this one.

the kiddo is home from college and leaving for her country in the morning
so today was filled with last minute errands

emergency 18 yr old errands - like buying perfume for her sister
and college touring (in MY area - SQUEEEEEE!)

and fun emergencies like my toilet burping in the right and having sewage GERD into the bathtub (yay plumber!)

Tuesday's fun:

Drive the kiddo to the airport
Grocery shopping
Visit from the Cunt Case Manager

Wednesday:
EVERYONE goes to see their birthparents

Thursday
Yipee Therapy!

Friday
Taking the baby and lunch to the girls at work (4 out of 5 have birthdays this week)

and that my friends?

That's the vacation -- pretty much all of it.

all while dodging tornados

I deserve a cookie.

sfp

Thank you to an amazing man

Over the past few months Sir P has been a rock for me

providing me with a touchstone
structure

a shoulder to cry on
a sound voice telling me that I can do it

and when the time came
telling me that it was ok to say that I didn't want to do it any more

but over the past couple of months
Sir P has had a major change in his life
and

well - the changes in my life are well chronicled

and we've run out of the time we need to sustain what we have

He is a wonderful friend
and a terrific mentor
and I hope he knows
how much I love him
and couldn't have made it through this year without him

I wish the distance were less
or the availability were different

because he is just about the best man a girl could hope to know

Thank you Sir P

for everything.

Day 1

I think there's a chance that the pixie has gone to sleep.

I'm reading "The Baby Whisperer" who has me shh shh shhing but no other interaction to get her to sleep and so far?

dare I say it?

I think she's asleep.

rofl - woke up the second I typed the "p"

*
*
*
*
*
*

ok

I'm back
and I'm not going to jinx myself again

It was a crazy emotional day

and now
I'm quietly watching TV
and starting to realize that this is what it'll be like in 3 eternally long short weeks

as the pixie and I start our lives together

cross everything you've got

8 weeks to the termination meeting

More than you Know

Small is good

Sometimes I lament that my blog is small.

I've been blogging a long time -- I have a few followers -- they wax and wane over the years.  I have a lot of "followers" -- but I doubt most of the read me any more -- but rather have me up there as a memory.

the topics have shifted greatly over the past few years (it's been nearly 3 for this blog and was a year 1/2 for the other blog) -- so it limits readership.

I have good friends here that I would miss mightily -- and as much as I sometimes think I'll stop blogging completely -- I never do

I'm drawn back again and again

today I was reading over at Nilla - and I had cause to be grateful for being small - as one of her commenters felt the need to be a bit critical -- essentially -- "My master would never be so mean to me, but I'm happy it floats your boat" sort of way

a complisult - (insult wrapped in a compliment)

and I thought about how seldom I have that here.

not because I'm in any way superior -- but because it's much more intimate over here.

I want to thank you all for being such great readers
nah

for being my friends and family

as I come to the end
or at least as I can see the end of this crazy adventure

and the beginning of the next adventure

I am heartily glad that you all come here to pat me on the back and encourage me.
and smile with me

and

sometimes shed a tear with me.

Thank you all.

sfp

PS -- that snarky girl on Nilla's blog can kiss my ass

followed by a double meltdown

Lies told today

"I have to have that sharpie back, it was given to me by my best friiiiiiieeeeend"

"KK gave me your keys and told me to get the mail" as she tries to shove every key into the box

"the neighbors want me to chase their bunnies"

"I did hang up my clothes"

"I don't know how the pillows go on the sofa"

"I'm not throwing a tantrum"

"I don't have any homework"

"I didn't get another snack"

"I did brush my teeth"

followed by my favorite moment of the night

FL:  "KK just called you a P-H-U-T-O"
me:  "That's not how that's spelled"

I guess that's not what I was supposed to say.

KK was in a rotten mood all night

throwing a tantrum that involved throwing herself on the sofa - kicking all the pillows off and screaming

I sent her to run around the block to burn off the bad juju

"are you done?  do you need to run some more?"

she did

she needed 3 laps

and still had another tantrum

but a much less energetic one.

Happy Monday!

(oh - during all of the FL was required to hang up her clothes -- which took her about 40 minutes because she couldn't stop taking clothes off the hangers and then back on and then crying about her vintage heirloom sharpie)

A happy day

Today was a happy day

and

no one made me breakfast in bed

no one bought me flowers

and yet

it was a wonderfully happy day

I had a nice lunch with my parents and the Pixie

the girls were in respite

and when I picked them up I have them the news that the pixie was joining our little clan

and the girls were overjoyed.

happy for me

yeah

go figure

happy for me

a moment of empathy on their side

they played with the neighbor kids
and

I made oven smores for everyone to share

and I fussed at my kids and they fussed at theirs

and everyone's now asleep

and I'm about to curl  up in my bed
and dream of the future

tomorrow may be a dark pit of despair
but today
my girls who never think of anyone but themselves
told me they were proud of me
and gave me a hug
and are over the moon happy that I might get a baby.

Things that make me happy (and a news roundup)

We had some baby drama this week. (long adoption related story -- skip it if you want)

The foster parents have to go out of town on the 17th - -and asked me if I could take the Pixie at that point.

Now -- this is a 3 week overlap with KK and FL - so not ideal -- but not horrible either.

I agreed to it -- I don't want ANYONE ELSE GETTING THEIR HANDS ON HER.

because if I don't take her -- and someone else respites her -- they would have as much claim on her as I  do as a bonded caregiver.

so no

no one else is getting the Pixie.

So I told them we could do the transfer then.

now -- this sounds outrageous right?  Who are we to make that decision.  But we've been pushed by CPS to make this change faster -- and so the foster father was on the way to go see the agency worker anyway-- so he told him it would work for us on that day.

I called the adoption placement director R -- and she was ok with this (she's the one who's been telling me all along that I can manage all 3 for a finite time)

meanwhile
the Case Manager (who I now only think of as Strawberry Shortcake bossing me around (sigh -- yes I am horrible)) sends a message to the foster parents that says, "sfp cannot take Pixie until FL and KK are out of the house".

what?

um

what?

because it's always been proposed that I take her before the girls are out.

when we questioned her about it saying that it was fine with adoption director R -- her response was "the head of the agency said no - -and R works for her"

Now - -this is actually Strawberry Shortcakes real problem -- she's bad with people.  I want to actually coach her on this and say, "Strawberry -- you're pissing off your clients AND you are boxing yourself into a corner and about to make yourself look irrelevant when we make this happen anyway"

because, "oh my goodness -- it sounds like R and the head of the agency might be in different places about this -- let me get them talking to each other -- in the meantime, don't communicate with CPS yet and we'll get this all straightened out"

because

we did talk to everyone and guess what

the Pixie is coming her on the 17th to stay!

so KK and FL are in respite -- and I need to turn my room into a combo bedroom/nursery for about a month -- so move furniture -- put up the crib -- and then go get the Pixie for the weekend

we are going to a birthday party for a friend's 3 yr old -- and I get to put her in a cute little dress and show her off.

(yes -- I went a little nuts -- but these are totally cute and I only spent $28 on ebay and a consignment clothing store -- I threw myself a little shower)

Also rans

I'm not one of those people who never speaks to you again if we decide not to date

so I end up with a lot of male friends that say hello from time to time

and of course - -some of them are Doms.

and there are 2 that I've played with from time to time that have been chatting me up for the past few weeks.

Dom A -- emailed me with an offer.  He wanted me to be his slave and proposed some limited categories - understanding that I have a very demanding life.  I did consider this offer -- I've known him for years and having someone local that I trust to play with

well

it sounded like a possibility

so I started asking some questions

which clearly pissed him off

because when we finally came down to the nitty gritty- he wanted 100% control.  I asked if I would be allowed autonomy over work, spirituality, family and adoption -- and he told me "no" - that a slave must trust her master's character to make the right choices.

blink
blink
blink

first off -- who ever said I wanted to be a slave?

and unless you plan to marry me and live with me 24/7 -- I don't see how you can make all my decisions for me

and what the hell are the "right" choices anyway?

and we parted ways
the usually way
he made one comment "no worries" and then signed off

what a tool

****************
Dom B is someone I played with a while back -- who wanted me to go meet him and his Dom/sub clients from out of town to play.

um

what?

No.

why would I do that?

I haven't had sex with YOU - I'm going to do it and let them watch?

nice try

***************
it does make one wonder if the attempt to be friends is really possible -- or are we really just putting each other on the back burner.

which isn't right or fair to anyone.

(more personal news soon - when there is more to tell)

sfp

May resolution

I have not had a great few months

tonight I spent the night fighting with the girls - it cost FL 8 more days of lost internet - and I didn't even add any more on for telling me that I was a bitch

you can't punish her for telling the truth

she has turned me into a bitch.

so

I'm going to try to focus on things that make me happy -- every time I want to blog and can't come up with anything to say -- I'm going to focus on something positive -- something lovely

So

obviously - here's something I can tell you is making me very happy right now -- my little Pixie.

we're not allowed to post photos of foster kids that include their faces -- but she's managed to take care of that problem for me here.

Now it will be hard to beat this for something that makes me happy -- but it's not a competition - -it's instead an opportunity during a rather difficult time to find some joy.

Lies and other irritating games

The 9 year old today at therapy was bored

I was on the phone as we waiting for FL to finish her session and she decided to start mimicking me

seriously -- who DOESN'T that piss off.

so I started off by making funny faces -- which eventually cracked her up.

finally

I got down on the floor

and she followed

and I moved into the full lotus position (I'm a big girl - but I'm bendy)

and then did some deep breathing (which she copied)

complete with OHMMMMMsss

and then did some stretches to the side

until she tipped over

MOM for the win

HA!

eventually - she got bored and started nosing through her sister's notebook
and found a note

written in 2 colors of marker

FL and her BFF writing to each other and FL offering the BFF all of her allowance to do her homework.

KK ratted FL out (at some point FL needs to kick her little sister's ratting ass -- someone needs to CodeRed her ass) and gave me the note

so

this has cost FL a week of internet

hours later - with crocodile tears FL tries to tell me this wasn't her note -- and I told her that I didn't believe her - the punishment stands -- and she was tearful --swearing that someone else just used the note and passed it back and forth with FL

this allowed me to discuss the fact that she has lied to me about something every single day since she walked through my door.

her argument that it wasn't EVERY single day eventually cracked us both up

"oh - not the days you were at the other foster house?"

sigh

so it's been a hell of a night

everyone is in trouble

KK ended the night by throwing a glass of water (plastic) in the sink so she's starting tomorrow in the hole on behavior as well.

and

we're going to watch the baby this weekend.

this is going to be a complete clusterfuck

I'm I sending out some sort of pheromone?

apparently I am

because I was contacted by a swarm of former suitors again (well - ok -- 2 - -but within minutes of each other)

the guy that lives around the corner - you remember him as the guy who beat the crap out of me -- was checking up again

mostly wanting to know if the girls were still here

he's the one that I don't much care for unless I'm in the same room with him - -and then I become jello

Must stay at least 4 blocks away -- or invest in turtlenecks.

and

another that is from the far past who wants to be my Dom -- and have me turn myself over to him

now

I really liked this guy when he was in the consideration phase

but then he turned me down because I wasn't his physical type

which really hurt my feelings

and

well - gosh - that's hard to get over.

I like him as a Dom - -but I sort of think he's an asshole as a person.

so

gee thanks guys -- I'll just be over here waiting for my prince to come

in other news

FoxyLoxy had a shit day

she had this little boyfriend -- who she fully intended to dump today btw

but he dumped her first

with a MEAN note in her locker

that said he hated her and called her a fatty

which is hysterical
because she's all angles and bones.

it was horrible misspelled with awful penmanship (he even spelled fatty with one t)

I offered to correct and grade it so she could return it to him - which earned a laugh - but somehow is too geeky a revenge for her taste

horrible little shit.

She was very hurt -- but since the relationship has only been for the past 10 days or so - I imagine the heartbreak will not survive the weekend.

poor thing

sfp