Hulabaloo

Goodness - there's a whole bunch of judging out there in our corner of the internet these days

about cheating or not cheating
about married partners
and lovers

and about acceptance
or the evil of acceptance of others

and it all started with a comment of disdain for the high level of tolerance of infidelity in the D/s world

so after I just said to Aisha
that I don't have anything to say

I guess I do have a little something to say

I think for many of us
discovering that we were kinky
was shocking

it was something
IS something to hide

it was a dirty secret
this urge to submit
or to dominate

the urge to hurt or be hurt
the urge to control or be controlled

it's all the things we're taught are wrong and bad

it's often something we can't/couldn't say to our vanilla partners

but it was/is an urge
a burning need

So the question I think many face is
what do you do?

do you throw it all away?

do you throw away your husband
and your kids
and your family

do you walk away
because you have a need that must be met?

this one little thing
that isn't a luxury
it's essential.

so so many
either push away the cravings
and try to bury it

and others
others find a way to meet the need
and keep from destroying the lives of wives and husbands and kids

a closeted solution
in a world that thinks you're damaged to want what you want

I get it

so
why do I think so many in BDSM have compassion and acceptance for it?
because we get it

we get that it's an itch that must be scratched

and I for one
don't feel that I can judge anyone

here in my glass house.

On the hook

At work this week -- I had to coach one of my teammates.

She leaves job candidates on the hook


I told her it was like this episode of How I Met Your Mother -- Lily keeps trying to tell her old boyfriend scooter that things are over -- but he looks so sad - -she always adds "right now" to make him feel better.  In this clip she practices breaking up with the something cute.

My staff member A does this, "we don't have a position for you at this time -- we'll let you know if anything changes in the future".

Every day
Every day

she has a candidate who calls her and leaves her a message

it feel like this:

she's left him on the hook

and coincidentally -- I got a message online from someone who was in consideration some time back.  I threw him back in the pond because he was married -- with no intent to divorce --

and now -- they're separated.

sigh

and i've chatted with him from time to time -- because I

ok

big admission here

it's very important to me that people think I'm nice

it's part of my self-image

sfp is nice

really nice

except

(ahem -- I'm not always nice -- I'm sometimes a horrible bitch)

but I have a hard time setting boundaries and saying "Nice to have met you -- see ya"

without adding a "right now"

and while I've said that I'm seeing someone -- I'm not good at cutting off conversation -- he'll ask if we can chat as friends

and then

he's going to push

so I should just cut him off and be mean

but honestly

I find it tough to be mean

it makes me feel bad.

maybe I need to practice on a teacup pig.

A bit of what I've been missing

M has had a horrible week

one of those weeks that makes you forget that you have happiness in your life at all

and

my week's been filled with sick baby

(who has just sneezed snot over me for the 8th time this morning in spite of being tortured again and again with the blue suction bulb of death to prevent such sprayings)

but this weekend -- he has his daughter

and he spent the day yesterday with her -- doing the little things they love

and emailed me little photos
and stories all day long

and I hadn't realized how much we've gotten away from that now that I have the bundle of joy

we've gotten so busy
that we've stopped being quite as focused on each other

not because we don't want to
but because we've allowed the rest of life to have too much of us

and we both really enjoyed having it back a bit yesterday

I awake today feeling more his
and can't wait for the rest of the day

focusing on those things
and those people
who bring us peace and joy.

(ok -- and PS  -- was granted a solo orgasm -- which I am NOT getting enough of -- bad girl -- needs to ask more or do without!)

itchy feet

I need to go do something
take a trip

even a road trip

get away

walk in some sand
or
lay in the sun
(don't get on me for the lay, lie thing -- I'm sleep deprived)

I'm irritable.

but I don't particularly want to get away from the baby

just away from the ordinary

when I'm craving dessert -- I read recipe books
they soothe me

when I'm craving travel

I cruise VRBO -- (vacation rentals by owner) --and dream of different vacations
drooling over renting a huge kitchen
and lounging in their pool

but instead
I will do laundry
and tidy by house
and refresh the garden with the fall planting (we have another growing season coming up)

and dream my dreams

there are times

There are times when I am hungry for him
for his taste
and his smell

for his fist in my hair
for his cock in my mouth

for the feel of his hands on his girl

and I torture myself with it
I imagine it
until I buck
and writhe in my bed with
no release
because he has yet to decide if I can or cannot
or has yet to read the message

he may or may not respond
and he may decide I need rest and peace more

in these times I start to guess when I might see him
when I can work it out

I bargain with myself
I cheat myself in these negotiations
wantonly

I even cheat the clock
insisting that the impossible
be possible
that
somehow
I transport myself
there and back again

I am reaching for him
in these moments
straining
at the bonds of the life
I worked so hard to build

imprisoned by the achievement of my dreams

greedy girl that I am
I want it all.

I want it all

The miracle of men

I took the baby out tonight to grab a bite of dinner
I set him up next to me
and he smiled
and burbled as I ate my dinner
and watched the crowd

I looked at all the different men around me
wondering

which of these men would my boy eventually be

the tall man with the bulging muscles towering over the rest
the man with dark eyes and a goatee - smiling at his coworkers -- slim and handsome and happy
lol -- the beatnik with the giant plugs in his ears.

will be be an athlete like my brother
or an intellectual

I stared at all the men around me
and marveled
that this tiny creature
will grow and grow and grow
and become one of them

one of these strange creatures we call men