Needy...needy...needy

I'm a day away from seeing M

and I've been warned that my ass will be worn out

last time -- last time was sweet and gentle

which is what I needed -- but not what I think HE needed

my thought when told my "ass would be worn out" was to wonder if he meant a spankathon or a fuckathon

lol

most likely both

and now -- I'm left with a fantasy of waiting for him

as he prefers me -- in a pair of heels and some pretty panties

and bent over the bed -- blindfolded -- waiting -- waiting -- waiting -- in silence for him to finally break the tension and touch me

My Blogiversary

I never made it to one year at Peacefully Submissive

but today

is one year for this blog

and what a journey it's been

You've been with me

as I mourned my relationship with Mr. C

and as I stepped back out
and met some nice ones

and some not so nice ones

through the joy

and disappointments

through tough times at work

and some strange strange dreams

and now?

Now I'm on the next leg of my journey

and I'm so darn happy
that I decided to Jump On In.

Joy and Happiness

I have come to realize that I may be in the happiest period of my life

and yes

a part of that has to do with M

but it's not all him

and thank goodness -- happiness based on a single person is too fragile

to volitile

Instead

I have a soothing sense of calm
of being on my path
of having all things pointing the right direction

Work is good
Relationship is good
Family is good

interestingly -- this is also a rather lonely time in my life

M is far away
my best friend has moved to another city
I am so busy that I have little time to talk to family

I should be up and down

but instead

I am just happy

even joyful.

and I'm stunned by this

this overall feeling of well-being
even when I am stressed out

I still feel very content

because the stress is part of the journey

I'm off to go sign my new lease here in a few minutes
and get everything lined up for this move.

but I wanted to share this with someone

Much love to you all

sfp

Last Friday Night

Friday night he was off at a game

He called me at half time and we chatted

and said he would call me back at the end of the game

Hours and hours later -- I get a text

I had been sleeping on the sofa -- the 'ding' must have woken me up

2:30am -- huh - he never called

Are you awake?

I texted back

Yes

and he called

and we chatted a bit

Do you remember talking to me after the game

what?

after the game

do you remember talking to me

(laughing)  No -- I must have been sleep talking

(laughing) -- I thought so

(tears rolling now)

What did I say?

I asked if you would call me in the morning before my meeting and you said "Will I wake you" and I said -- no you won't wake me

and you said

No -- will I wake you or will you just let the phone ring and ring

lol

sleep talking is like truth serum

apparently I do wish he would pick up from time to time

He's learned the secret now -- I'm screwed -- he can just grill me in my sleep

Safewords

I do like safewords

I think it's a great short-hand for what's going on

and I have used them in the past -- sparingly -- but I have

and I'm not embarrassed about it.

but M and I do not have one.

I asked about it

He doesn't like the trappings of the "lifestyle"

in fact -- somewhere where-he-lives - -he just cringed when I typed the word -- and doesn't know why

He is also not a fan of limits

as he believes that trust and dedication takes care of that

We don't use the terms Dom and Sub

He's my boyfriend
and we like to do
very dark pervy things together
He's the boss
I'm the first lieutenant and chief advisor

It's his job to make sure we stay on the right path and don't choose to do things that damage the relationship on our path of perversion
It's my job to take care of my man and promote harmony

this works for us

does that mean that I can't say "no"?
I can't say "I'm scared"
I can't say "stop"?

I say all of those things

but more importantly
he listens
to my words
to what my eyes are saying
to my breathing

and much more often -- he makes the call -- long before I would myself.

I do like safewords

but I worry -- because so many of us when we have them don't want to use them
consider them a failure
consider them to be topping from the bottom

that an over reliance of the Dom to keep going unless he hears the magic word
does more harm than good

so -- our system is working for us
and if your system works for you?

that's all that matters.

His idea of a fun game

which is mostly

um

maybe

a joke

We've been joking about what happens when we don't have any new territory to cover
when we get bored

he suggested Hangman

where every time I guess a letter wrong a different part of me is tied down --

I guess I lose when the gag goes in.

Mostly?

we talk about non BDSM things

My search for a new place to live
work issues
the insanity that you no longer get a last meal in Texas

(I love the "now you've ruined it for all the other murderers" aspect)

but sometimes -- there's just a bit of silliness.

*******************
on a slightly different note

I'm feeling very very needy these days
I need to see him next weekend

not want

need

and it's still a week away

I need a phone date.
or six.

Hair Repair

Thank you all for your suggestions

I washed and washed and washed the hideously overly dark hair

and tried the Nilla suggestion -- washing my hair in hot olive oil

(Yes -- M enjoyed the idea of this tremendously)

which mellowed it somewhat as well

but finally -- I realized

For quite some time I've been using a dye that includes highlighting - and I often don't bother with the highlighting.

so -- I broke it out
and gave it a shot

but instead of leaving it on for the recommended time (which would have turned my hair orange)

I now have subtle variations in color

(a few more applications and I'll have normal hair again -- yay!)

On Dreams

I dream a lot.

But I have always assumed that everyone dreams a lot

but that some of us remember them more than others

PL was showing off about his lack of snooze-use (yes - you have great discipline)

but I wonder if it isn't part of the key of remembering my dreams?

All the information I read about trying to remember your dreams involves not hopping out of bed right away

keeping your eyes closed
staying in the same position that you were dreaming in

and just

trying to hold onto the dream

then

as soon as I can

I either tell someone my dream
or
I write it down

I send it out to all of you

so

here's my theory

you are all dreaming about giant beavers
and pecan-rats
and racoon attacks

you just don't know it

so

why not make friends with the snooze button
and

see what dreams may come

AM Ritual

My alarm goes off at 6:19 -- which gives me 2 snoozes
I go to the bathroom

start the shower

and go and put on some makeup

usually on the couch
watching TIVO

tiny amount of makeup I wear from a basket I carry

and at 7:05
my alarm goes off again

and I call him

every day

he doesn't usually answer

normally he's in the shower

but I leave him a morning message

there are no rules
no requirements

it's just part of the M-F routine

7:05

and sometimes

every once in awhile

he picks up the phone

and we have a nice morning chat

today

was one of those mornings

and it's a tiny ritual

there's nothing major about it
no huge Domliness
not a rule

just something he likes
and I like

and today
I feel like I got a treat

and I'll be smiley all morning for it.

Part of a dream

I walked into my bathroom

looking for my sewing kit

which was on the floor next to the toilet

a plumber was working in there

he scared me -- I had no idea he was there

He tooked over his shoulder at me and said

"I've found the problem"

"Do you have Pecans?"

He hands me a pecan -- that's half shelled

when we were kids you could take your pecans and have them half shelled -- cut open on the sides only

Only -- this pecan had a mouse inside it

I said -- "um, there's a mouse in it"

He said, "Yeah - sometimes they lay their eggs inside

and I stared at it for a bit

and thought

hmm - that's not a baby mouse

I think it's a rat

 but it's a baby rat

and it gets bigger and bigger

but it's still cute
and inside a bigger and bigger pecan shell.

I have no idea what this one means

but you know -- it's like Freud said, "sometimes a rat in pecan shell -- is just a rat in a pecan shell"

Yet another dream

Last night - -I had a terrible dream

I was trying to help my Ex boyfriend -- the first love get some paperwork done at work -- and we had to go from office to office at my work

eventually -- we were directed to a long long long long line

the people were corralled by big metal stanchions -- tall ones   -- as if we were being herded like cattle.

and they were placed very close together

so you had to squeeze between them
turning sideways

and we were moving through the line
upwards

it was almost like climbing a pyramid
spiralling up

at one point - the stanchions opened up
and I was able to scramble ahead of the crowd

a few of them fussed at me for cutting in line

but they were moving slowly

at this point -- I realized that the ground was covered in sand -- slipping out from under my feet
making me slip
my hand catching me before I landed on my face

scrambling back up again

climbing up and up

I looked behind me -- and the first love was now Mr. C

and we climbed together

and it became taller and taller -- almost like climbing a high wall

and I pulled myself over the top -- and when I looked on the other side -- I could see that what I had climbed was thin

like a canvas

held up by dowels

and I started to scramble over -- I called to Mr. C to come over the top
but instead -- he pulled the canvas to one side and came through -- sand pouring in a bit as he came through.

the ground was like a thick forest

and as I looked around -- I noticed a creature that moved like a Tiger -- but looked like the evil Easter Bunny from the Twilight Zone movie stalking me

I was scared

and Mr. C was not really helping
but not - not helping

the only thing I had to fend off the EB was a kazoo (which clearly came from a conversation about suitable party favors for small boys at a birthday party I had with M) -- and I realized - that I don't really know how to make a kazoo work --

do you blow?
suck?
hum?

I ran to escape the EB -- the kazoo barely keeping it back --  and eventually -- and gratefully woke up.

Oops

I've been victimized.

yes

I've had my hair colored

and the slightly darker than light brown that I requested
is dark brown

and with my super white skin

I look goth.

it's terrible.

M hasn't seen it
but
assures me he will like it

sweet

anyway

it's God-awful.

so I've purchased a box of color oops

which claims it will strip off color
returning you -- to your original color

(laughing)

whatever that is.

but I've decided that I require a cooling off period

something like when one buys a gun

before I find myself sitting in the corner
rocking back and forth
regretting my rash decision

and besides

I can enjoy the awkward
ignoring of my coworkers tomorrow

as they look for nice things to say about my
Morticia-esque makeover

always fun.

Making Fire

Years ago

back when I was a vanilla girl

and not having sex with anyone

ya-huh

married.

I saw an episode of that show Real Sex

Real Sex 23 or something

and they had some woman teaching a group of women a seminar on the hand job.

My brain squirreled this away

for some reason

I remember telling a friend about it who tried it out and swore it was a big hit

the technique involved placing your hands on either side of the penis -- flat -- as if you were going to roll a bit of wood between them to make fire -- like a boy -- um -- girl scout.

working your way up and down the shaft.

big hit

BIG hit

I think the reason I can never find my keys is that my brain is filled with strange sex trivia

making fire indeed.

Written 1 year ago today -- I think I got my wish.

What I want

I do not want a perfect man
nor do I want to be perfect for him

I want him to know my imperfections
without trying to change me

I want him to be able to dominate me
without needing to domineer

I want him to listen to me
without doting on me

I want him to take care of me
without coddling me

I want him to have passion for me
without being obsessed

I want him to be himself
without being selfish

I want
to want him
without it blotting me out

and if not

I want to be alone

Spankless

I'm home again

and am shockingly

unspanked

so other than being tied to a chair
and teased into several powerful cums
with a new toy of mine

it was a vanilla visit

oh

except for the anal sex

ok

so NOT a vanilla visit

but we never seemed to get around to spanking my recalcitrant ass

He was tired.

so we replaced it with a snuggle instead.

shamefully vanilla
and
very content.

A different plan

Apparently M has a "different plan" for me tomorrow

No hints at all

none

sometimes I think he just tells me these things for the fun of it

and then figures out what the plan will be afterwards.

or maybe it's a well established plan.

He's told me I have to wait to the morning to get my instructions
but you have to know that when I wake up at 4am

as I do every morning

I'll have to check to see if my instructions are there yet.

I won't be able to help myself

so tomorrow -- early -- I'll be off to see him
at our favorite place

even the same room

and

I can't wait

and tune in on Sunday -- and you'll find out  -- we'll both find out

what "different" means

I don't get told what to do -- or not do  -- very often

but when it comes to orgasms -- he's a bit bossy

which means no flying solo
no dress rehearsals
no stand ins

so -- if he's in the mood to play
to let me play
then I get to

and if not -- I don't

which doesn't always work for me

because the less sexual I am
the less sexual I become

and I'm not sure if asking him
and being told "no"

works for him

because he gets to say no -- and have his way
or
irritates him
because I should know better than to ask the question

inscrutable.

persnickety graffiti

depressed?

I was reading an article today about depression due to the end of summer.

hard to imagine here where the end of summer is hearalded by the advent of 96 degree days  -- down from 108.

under symptoms it listed:  the desire to sleep more than usual, comfort eating, a decline in hygiene.

and um

that sort of describes my labor day

does that make me depressed?

well -- maybe a bit

I had nothing to do this weekend
and it did sort of bum me out

but mostly?

I was just lazy

TMI Tuesday

So -- I've never done one of these -- but felt compelled:

 

1. What do you wear to sleep in?

So -- given a choice?  Nothing -- but as I don't have a choice -- panties

 

yeah -- I have the only Dom in America who wants me to wear panties - -all the time - (I have a shower exception only) --

 

2. Do you ever walk around your own place naked?
Yeah -- all the time.  I live alone -- and it saves on doing laundry.

 

3. Have you or would you ever answer the door naked?
um -- No.  Sneak attack nakedness is uncalled for.

4. What part of your body do you like to be on show? Why?
Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass.

5. When sunbathing how much do you bare?
I am the whitest woman in america.  So -- think Burka.

 

I once sunbathed and rolled the bottom of my suit up to expose more ass. -- and ended up with sunburned stripes on my ass that lasted for several years.

6. Have you or would you bare all on a naturist (nude) beach?
burka -- babe -- burka.

7. Have you ever flashed your bits in public? If not would you if it turned your partner on?
On purpose?  No.

 

But on a trip to Europe I ended up accidentally topless on both a beach in Spain and on the Champs-Elysee

 

yeah -- it's like vacationing with Lucy.

8. Have you ever given a striptease or has anyone given you one? Did you enjoy it?

Nobody wants that -- nobody.

9. Ever gone skinny dipping? Alone or with others?
There was some semi naked sex in a hot tub at an EconoLodge near Carlsbad Caverns -- does that count?

10. Do you like to look at naked people or do you want show off your nakedness?
I'm not much interested one way or the other in nakedness -- as long as you stay on your side of the booth -- we're ok

Bonus: Sexually speaking, what's the furthest you would go with a partner in public? Have you had sex in public?
sober?
not too far
But I once had sex on the hood of a car and later on found out that the garage door was open the whole time with the lights on  -- yeah -- the neighbors were a bit standoffish after that.

seriously?

It must be the drop in the temperature

but people keep coming up and talking to me (3 nights in a row)

which wouldn't freak me out

except it's dark when they do it

don't people know that it's weird to walk up to a woman alone in the dark?

seriously -- I thought I was going to have take out those missionaries.

weirdos

Racoon dream

When I drove home last night I passed the dumpster

as I did

I saw 6 or 7 racoons swarming all over it

they turned -- in Children of the Corn unison to glare at me

I snapped a quick photo and drove away

I had to look over my shoulder on the way to my door

Last night I dreamed that I was on the top of a hill -- and they were coming up the hill to get me and all I had to throw at them were Loofas

um

because somehow I was standing in my bathtub

and

fending off a racoon invasion

I think there was a cougar too

that's not weird -  right?

This means war...

There's been an invasion

yes

I have ants

and they're taking over

I might have allowed them to stay -- if they didn't insist on biting me

what happens at this time of year is that they get flooded out of the yard --and they move in here.

well -- I spent all of Friday night hunting the little bastards down

with the DYSON OF DEATH

thinking that for sure the "wind tunnel technology" would whirl those crawly bastards into submission.

sadly no

they just crawled around in the transparent tunnel clearly working on their escape.

so it wasn't enough
I thought I would turn them free -- but they were coming back as fast as I was removing them

they had to be flushed.

So -- yesterday -- I was smug -- thinking this was the only Ant left in my apartment

today I found a few scouts

this isn't over

it isn't over

F resurfaces

Last December there was a Dom who I went out with -- "F"

a pretty terrific guy

except that he's much more advanced than I am

and he made the decision that we were a bad match

and he was right

I like the kiddie pool
it makes me happy

at any rate

we've stayed facebook friends

and he's looking again
and I'm not

anyone in the DFW area want a perfectly good Dom who's just going to waste?

lol

pretty sure this isn't how this works -- but what the hey --

sfp

more blogstipation

Sometimes this is what it looks like when I try to blog

It's been a long year

It's been a year since Mr. C and I broke up

and it was a hard year

full of many tears

and many lessons

it was a year of growth

and a year of paralysis

a long year

a long journey

and I'm happy with my progress

and where I am today

so I just wanted to post this note

to celebrate my year

and to express my hope

for a wonderful year to come