New Years Resolutions

This is the time of year that we start to think of our New Years Resolutions

I'm not one to make resolutions about
weight loss
or
building better habits

I try instead to be more mindful
I try to choose something to meditate on

sometimes I'm successful

and sometimes I'm not

2012 will be a big year

and what I keep coming back to

is

patience

patience patience patience

I need to practice patience with others -- in every day situations -- I must not "fling the cheese"

I need to practice patience with family and friends and they absorb the enormity of my adoptive choices and struggle to understand

I need to practice patience with my future child(ren) -- and understand that their world has not just become magically wonderful -- and we will all take time be become a family

and I need to practice patience with myself.
I will not be perfect
I will not be close to perfect

and I don't have to be.

Yes

a good thing to work on this year

Watch out what you ask for

so --

I've vacillated between being upset that he might not want to see me
and feeling that it would be better if we didn't see each other

I asked if next weekend is an option

it's not for him

the weekend of the 14th and 21st are not for me

which again -- puts us at the 28th

a month

not really what I want

I was in tears about it today

because he kept saying that if I'm not 100%
that I shouldn't come

and it was hurtful

because I want to see him anyway

and

I don't know if I'm going to be fighting fit or not

and

I had just about convinced myself that I was going to be ok
and

he expressed some concern about a bug he might be coming down with

I said,

Love...sometimes we may just need to be a little dumb to keep us alive....I would want to be with you even if it were only to give you a massage.

Then come....it is done.

Thank you Love

but then -- I'm thinking -- ok -- we'll just be together and work within whatever limitations we have

and he brings out the Dom guns

No complaints about limitations, either of us being tired, etc.  Clear?

Yes we will just be...no complaints

You will please and give.  Period

Yes Sir.


and while I mean it -- I wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut
but now -- it's done
and we will be together
and I'm going to have to suck it up

the sub in me is thrilled
practical girl is a bit worried about her cunt.

To go or not to go

the antibiotics gave me a hell of a yeast infection

and

although the inside of me is cured -- the outer bits are tender

I have to decide

if I'm going to cancel a visit with M

I don't want to
but it will be the responsible thing to do if I'm not going to be at my best

yes yes

we're not all about sex

but let's face it
when we're together in person

that's what we're doing

and it doesn't feel unbalanced to me

because we share everything in our lives
and are really vanilla 90% of our time together

it's not wrong to fuck like bunnies

dirty dirty pervy bunnies

when we see each other

hopefully he'll be free next weekend
I am not free the two weekends after that

otherwise -- we're looking at
hmmm

February

well -- January 29th -- which might as well be Feb.

so -- we'll see -- I'm going to make the call on this in a few hours

so

I need everyone to say a prayer for my cunt

perhaps send over a priest to give it a blessing

is there a saint dedicated to the preservation of genitalia?

there must be

sfp

Facebook crap

apparently I'm stooping to reposting crap from facebook

mine were

loyal

naive

shy

thoughtful

Funny

Maybe I should read things after I write them

because

sometimes -- sometimes what we think
we're saying

and what we come off as saying

are not the same at all

my last post
was meant to be about
how funny we subs are

how we can
be super conceited
and insecure

all at once

and apparently -- it came off as a pity party

before I finished writing it

he called me

so I finished it up and hit publish

smiling

let this be a lesson to me
read before you post

but in honor of that

I'm going to just publish this one

typos and mixed messages be damned

sfp

(PS -- thank you for all your sweet words)

Conceit and Insecurity

M is having a rough holiday

not with his family
and not with me
and not wanting to be with me
wanting to wallow a bit

which is his choice.

and it's interesting to me
how just one day

one isolated day
of limited contact
of

moodiness on his part

makes me feel

a bit shaken.

and it strikes me that
it's a bit of a combination

of conceit
and insecurity

conceit
that everything

EVERYTHING
I make about me

and insecurity
that one day
of not being the
center of attention

means that it's the beginning of the end.

(laughing)

we are a strange bunch.

Merry Christmas!

Feeling much better -- even begged for - -and was granted a Christmas Eve orgasm from M

yay!

sadly -- I'm still not fully recovered -- coughing like crazy and now have a ton of things to do before I can get on the road.

Merry Christmas
Happy Hanukkah
Belated Good Solstice
Happy Kwanzaa
and

Happy Weekend to anyone else.

I'm off to go play some Christmas Music
Pack the car
clean my kitchen
and get on the road

Love to you all

sfp

Sick

So I'm laid up
right before Christmas

sigh

which is fine -- except I need to go see the rentals and it's a 3 1/2 hour drive

Sinus infection and bronchitis

and I've decided to look on the bright side

1.  there's no kids yet -- so we can do whatever we want for the holiday
2.  I'm not contagious -- so I don't have to worry about getting the rentals sick
3.  I have a 4 day weekend and will start feeling better now that I have some drugs in my system
4.  I have netflix and a comfy couch
5.  I live alone and I can eat Chili Cheese Fries as "sick food" if I want to and no one will give me crap
6.  It's not an M weekend -- so I'm not trying to make something work that would just not work.

so

Cheese fries have been eaten
tea is brewing
Love Actually is on the DVR

and all the presents are bought -- and will be shortly wrapped

Merry Christmas Eve Eve

sfp

Closure

So

out of the blue

Mr C wrote me

said he's going to be in my area
he's hunting for this year's not new gift
for kids

and wanted to have dinner

I emailed M
asked if he would mind

got permission
and a thank you for asking

funny

old me would have been a bit
indignant

why should I ask

I should TELL

but not ASK

things change

I asked
and received permission


and had dinner with Mr. C

and

lol

it was fine

no crying
no angst

well -- a bit of nervousness on my way there

but fine

and

yeah.

it's done
over

he's not nothing to me
he's my friend

I needed to meet him
I needed to love him
and
I needed to get my heart broken by him
and heal from it
and be ok

you know
I was always the one who broke up with guys
not the other way around

he needed to meet me
love me
and
frankly
needed to be the one to stop loving first.

because
women were always breaking his heart
and he needed to find out that someone could love him
longer

we were not for each other
but we needed each other

so

that's my theory
and he's not here to refute it

and I imagine he would
argumentative bastard that he is

and

neither of us
would be where we are today
happy in our new relationships

without the time we had with each other

sometimes I'm striving for peace
and sometimes
I'm just peaceful.

Caned

Aren't you glad this has nothing to do with "caning"??

Out of Control

I'm a bit out of control

um

it's

well -- I'm two timing M

with my oven.

I know what it is

I'm feeling a bit alone this year

no kiddo

it's just me and the parents this year

it'll be quiet

notice I don't say I feel lonely

because I don't feel lonely

just

alone

it's my last Christmas to have this

and

I'm going to fill it up
with

stuff

and enjoy

yeah -- I'm being a bit self indulgent
and

I do need to stop making candy

I can stop any time I want

I can

anytime

I am just curious
um

to see if my new recipe for cranberry bars comes out

yeah

anytime
I want

Belt

He's been teasing me about the belt

which I've never experienced

other things

with other people

but not with him

and he's a hard damned spanker -- so I had some trepidation.

he bent me over the bed
spread my legs out far
head down on the bed
and showed me the belt
had me touch it

Every day -- I wear this belt
now I'll wear it 
knowing that it's the belt I 
beat you with

and he had me beg for it
and I did

and
having the belt caress me
knowing that he was being careful
in the introduction
but feeling it's slap and sting

as I listened to the housekeepers vaccuuming endlessly right outside our door

and I realize
I'm going to cum
right there
hands on the bed
legs spread
in a wet gush on the carpet

as he beats my ass
with the belt he wears every day

Whimpy

I think I've become whimpier

actually - I think it has something to do with hormones having read -- um ok -- browsed several studies about hormones and pain -- here's the least incomprehensible of them. -- I have come to wonder if my decreased tolerance for pain has to do with being off the birth control and having raging surging levels of estrogen. (by the way -- some studies seem to say the exact opposite -- so I'm going with the one that supports my theory)

Friday night he bit the small of my back

and I came unglued.

which made it worse -- as I pulled away as teeth were hanging on

it hurt for hours

yeah

it hurts now (a day later when this is written)

and I feel like some sort of big baby -- but then again -- maybe I just make it easier for him

less effort to see his girl suffer.

the next morning -- he was playing with me as I sucked his cock

which is not my favorite thing - I like to focus --
he was a bit rough

I tried to pull away -- my mouth too full to protest
and he reminded me that I don't get to take the pussy away

eventually -- I felt the need to tell him that it hurt

I struggle with that

does he know it hurts?
does he mean for THIS thing to be pleasurable
or painful

so am I informing him of a miscalculation
or whining?

lol

yeah

I think too much

and I have a big bruise from the bite

I think I'll get my heating pad

I'm a whimp.

home again

I'm home

and have a lot to say

but first and foremost I took a nap

and now that I'm awake -- I'm stiff - and sore

overly cold
and tired

and very very content

my mind is full of him

and I don't want to wash the last of his smell
from my hands

Keeping track

When he got here

well -- not right away
there were some things before this

he told me

"you better keep track (of the orgasms)"
"if you lose track -- we'll wash all of these away -- and you won't be allowed the marks any more"

I immediately had an image
and image of the hash marks the represent my orgasms
being washed off

me
sad
ashamed

having them taken away

I was studious in keeping track

I mentally quibbled over number 5
since it was small
in comparison

and I rejoiced in number 6

held in his arms
allowed to masturbate for him

completely free
enclosed in his protection

so

this morning -- I'll add 6 marks
to the 14 I started with

and

hopefully

I'll add quite a bit more.

Recharging

We have an opportunity for a short visit.

a bit tonight
a bit tomorrow

and we weighed the pros and cons all week

is it worth the time

because if it isn't
then it just causes resentment

and

I decided that I need to recharge my battery
and his

I need it more than I need the extra hours

lately

sigh

lately I am laden with doubts and insecurities
and I need to settle them

I am not to shave this time
which I accused him of choosing because I whine so much

he laughed at me
stating that I apparently have no idea what whining actually sounds like if I think it's whining

so I am saved from the heinous razor burn

I am anxious and happy to go see my man
and get all charged up again

sfp

panties

How many times a week do YOU discover you're wearing your panties inside out?


....

for me it's twice

Since Tuesday.

number of hours today it took to discover this.....14.

I've pretty much decided there's a 50/50 chance to get it right

Jitters

sometimes

strangely when I'm sitting very very still

I feel like I am bursting at the seams

like every muscle wants to shoot off in
it's own direction

all at once

Like restless leg syndrome (or what I imagine it's like) -- only everywhere

and if I move
it gets worse

strangely -- this is how I feel if I take an antihistamine
or
when I take a melatonin

as if my whole body is in revolt over the idea that I'm having a quiet moment

I have no idea what's going on inside my body when this happens

a misfiring of messages I guess

interestingly

when I yawn

it starts to subside

and to make myself yawn

all I have to do is to think about yawning -- or even
type the word

yawn

yawn

yawn

and it does the trick.
I yawn

It calms me down
and slows down that crawly
feeling

and

lol

most likely made you yawn too.

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

I got a message from M tonight

God I miss him

it's been way too long

he asked me

Are you open to potentially meeting friday night.  Then me coming back Saturday Morning?

I read this as "Are you open to potentially meeting friday night then coming back Saturday Morning" (meaning me)

and I sort of frowned a bit

what time sat?

Early between 8 and 9.

I expressed hesitation

thinking -- seriously?

Does he really think I'm going to drive to see him for -- like 2 hours -- and then wake up and leave right away.

I asked if he could spend the night
which resulted in a "We'll talk about it"

and then I came over here to blog

miffed.

but also

um

a bit weirded out that I wasn't being the super compliant girl that I like to be

as I started to write the post -- I opened up the text -- and realized that I had misunderstood (there's a work thing early early on Sat he has to do)

and I thought

wow -- so easy to misunderstand

and why would I think that he wanted me to go all the way there for essentially 2 hours

silly girl

still to be finalized - but I might be able to see my man

hmm

maybe I should make my pussy match my eyebrows and get shaving.

Men vs Women

When I walked into work today I immediately got comments from my staff (all female) on my cute new cut -- followed by OMG -- what happened - -about the burns

a few minutes later I went to the manager's meeting (all men) -- where they said -- not one thing.

lol

they stared at it like it was a live snake in the room

but not one of them asked a question

I'm going to see how long I can make this last

see if they break
if they can't take it any more

if I were one of the guys they would be busting on me instantly
there would be 50 jokes

maybe

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning - -it smells like victory"
or
knicknaming me "spot" or "scabby" for the rest of my life

perhaps some vintage Michael Jackson Pepsi commercial cracks

but instead

because I'm not one of the guys

I get to fuck with them
by acting as if everything is perfectly normal

it's all about finding the bright side ya'll!

Gone Today -- Hair tomorrow

So I'm a lucky lucky girl

I was able to make a last minute appointment with a hairstylist at Ulta -- no referral -- just random selection.

She assessed the damage -- comforted me that it wasn't the end of the world (while at the same time warning me that when she washed it there could be way more breakage)  -- reconditioned my hair -- made a better recommendation for hair repair than my original plan

we changed my part from the right side to the left
cut some bangs
layered the whole thing so it frames my face

and it looks lovely

I should have caught my head on fire years ago

I love her

she charged me $35 -- (holy crap!) -- and I tipped her well

poor kiddo clearly needed it  -- I thought she was going to cry when she said, "you just paid my water bill!"

I then moved over to the skin car section where I told them I needed something with a greater degree of hydration for sensitive skin -- she showed me some crap for $68 a bottle.  When I said it was too much she recommended that I shop at Walgreens

fuck you Ulta-girl

at any rate -- I now have stuff to draw in my eyebrows and a cute haircut that's adorable enough to (almost) distract you from the scab on my nose

Codependence

Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one'srelationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, orcontrol patterns.[1] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

I got that from Wikipedia --

I remember  -- oh -- 15 yrs ago or so -- the word "codependent" became part of everyday language.  Not in it's intended use -- but  -- almost as slur against anyone who was attached closely to their partner.


I remember my mom -- talking about it with me -- slightly hurt (obviously someone had told her she was codependent) -- she said, "Why is being codependent a bad thing?  We should all help each other in the ways we can -- I am dependent on your dad -- he's dependent on me"


this stayed with me


and now -- comes back to me in my new relationship.  How much we need each other.  


and -- I realize that YES -- we are codependent.  There's a lot of narcissism on the Dom side of things -- and there's a lot of "excessive empahsis" on his needs.  But my Mom's definition is MORE right.  Perhaps the difference is that we openly stepped into this relationship -- 


open eyes


then again


if we look at it even closer -- it's really that we trade off on being the narcissist in the relationship


being a Dom is a lot of work.


and maybe THAT's what makes mom's definition more right.


all I know is that I don't want to be cured of my codependence.


ever.

Bed

I used to joke when I was married that had I known I was picking a side of the bed the first night I stayed over I would have fought harder for the good side.

there IS a good side of the bed.  If you're IN the bed -- it's the RIGHT side

yeah -- I've written about this before

but if you're reading this on the weekend -- I'm baking -- and have no time for blogging -- so here's one in the can.

I was just thinking tonight about how much I LOVE my bed.

It's just the right support and softness -- very girly -- room for my little stuffed dog -- with my mom's amazing hand made blanket on it.

but for 4 years now - I've been sleeping on 1/2 of it

I guess 18 years of training is hard to kick.

except I've noticed something

in the past month?

I have claimed the whole bed

I now SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE

TA-DA!!!

except when I sleep with M

he sleeps on the good side.

sigh.

I needed him

So --

after I caught on fire this morning

I just needed him

I needed him very badly

I had received a text -- and I called -- but he didn't pick up
so I texted asking him to call me

He didn't get the message right away
and by the time he called

I was calm

until I heard his voice

and had to explain it all to him

and I kept saying I was sorry

which is silly

it was just an accident

a stupid accident

and I wasn't meaning to say I was sorry for getting hurt
or for calling

I was sorry for blubbering on the phone

it was the having to tell it
making it fresh again

it was telling him that I have to cut my hair
and that I hope he likes bangs -- because
I'm going to have to cut some serious bangs to cover this

it was knowing that he was upset that he isn't here
to comfort me
and to tell me it isn't all that bad
and that I'm ok

that he wasn't here to see for himself that
I'm not really hurt
that he wasn't here to decide if I needed to
get medical help

I needed to call him

about an hour later I got an ecard from him

I hope you are feeling better, and I am so happy you needed to call me. I wish I had been there sooner, but I always want to be here for you love. I hope the rest of the weekend is wonderful.

and it always strikes me when these things happen -- how different we are from "normal" people

that being needed isn't something that makes us cringe

it's something thrive on

that it's not a bother to tell him I'm upset and cry on this shoulder

that

although he prefers I be happy

that he wants to be the one I want

happy

sad

scared

hurt

he wants to be the one

Baking catastrophe!

So -- I'm at the BFF's house - and we're making the brandied fruit bars -- we doubled the recipe -- and

I guess her oven is pretty air tight -- and doing twice as much was a bad idea

I opened the oven to check on them and a big ball of flame came out

I have no eyebrows
I've lost a bit of the front of my hair

and a pretty bad burn on my nose

so --

this was shocking -- I've made these bars at LEAST 12 times before

never had a bit of a problem with it

so -- thought I should warn you all

I'm ok -- scared -- a bit blistered (I may have a tiny scar on my nose from it)

hurting

but ok

thought I should blog about it

PS -- made Sin's chewy oatmeal bars afterwards and they are AMAZING!

sfp

Roadkill - is this a vanilla post? Not really sure what the fuck it is

sometimes it really strikes me how country it is here

the other morning at work

we had a discussion about road kill

it went something like this

person 1:  Did you see that road kill - what the hell is that

person 2:  a beaver?

person 1:  no the tail is wrong -- it has more of rat type tail

person 3:  maybe a hog?

person 1:  I thought it was a nutria

person 4:  what the fuck is a nutria

person 1:  it's a swamp rat -- imported from south america - but it's more of a Lousiana thing -- they have orange teeth

person 4:  you're making that up

person 1 googles it and shows the group.

unbelievable

a long discussion about roadkill at work
soooo country

yeah.....so you guys know that I was person 1 -- right?

pervertable

I sent a photo of THIS to M on my quest for pervertables

just because it's really horrible.

Cookiepalooza

So -- I'm about to disappear for a few days -

but I've put a few posts in the can so you won't get the chance to miss me much.

I'm off for the 17th annual cookie baking party -- this year hosted by the BFF

yay!

so I'll bake about 800 cookies this weekend -- some of your new recipes mixed in and I'll leave right after work to make the 2 hour drive to where-she-lives

I'm super excited -- and ready to get it going!

Just in case you're new to the baking palooza - this is what my kitchen looked like last year

lol  -- not at MY house this time

yay!

wish the BFF luck

happy baking!

sfp

Plus 5

So

M is keeping the Dom stuff ramped up

since we're on week -- hmm -- 7? without seeing each other?  maybe not that long but it feels like it.

I've been charged with keeping track of all the orgasms he grants me
until we see each other again

sharpie hash marks on my tummy

I earned 5 today

I went to the main office for a meeting today and then had a bunch of shopping to do for both work and  --well -- fuck it -- I did some Christmas shopping while I played hooky

and looking for a Chocolate Fountain

not easy -- I went EVERYWHERE before I found one

I had been sending M photos of pervertable things I noted while shopping and eventually he sends me a message

I should make you do horrible things.

lol -- M doesn't read your blogs -- so horrible to M and horrible to you, dear readers are two different things -- so I wasn't super worried about it -- God help me if he ever joins blog-world.

so I responded "I am yours ...if horrible pleases you" -- he started to say we would wait -- but I called him a tease and he decided I should "go to the bathroom and cum like a little cunt " for him.

I was in the car on my way to Bed/Bath/Beyond -- so I had time to dread the addition of "send me some photos of my slut"

fuck

how do I do that?

how do I make myself cum (which sorry folks -- is a 2 hand job for me) and take a photo

I got to BBB and found the insanely dirty potty -- took some staged photos -- and got to it

of course -- just as I'm about to get there -- someone comes in -- and I have to keep things going while not making any noise (limiting squelchy noises)

and eventually hit the target twice.

bought my elusive chocolate fountain

and headed out -- towards Big Lots

M texts me to ask how it went

and I reported my success

Taste good?

he asks

shit

Don't know -- I didn't taste

I guess you need to get back there

fuck --

task completed at Big Lots

as well as my shopping and I'm rewarded by a good girl and that lovely submissive feeling.

as I head home he tells me he wants to know the minute I walk in the door.

my phone range seconds later

putting me on my knees

panties and pants around my knees -- masturbating to 3 more cums until I'm on the cold floor panting

and needing to put 5 hash marks on my tummy.

Brandied Fruit Bars

Today is the 2nd annual Kinky Cookie Recipe Exchange! -- Thank you Jz for hosting/coordinating this year -- you rock!

I bake 100's of cookies every year -- and I don't do it by making them one at a time -- I do lots of bar cookies and in that spirit -- Here's my brandied fruit bars recipe!

You need to start the fruit and brandy at least a day --but even better a week before you want to make these!

1.5 lbs dried fruits (about 3 cups firmly packed)

1/2 cup brandy (don't go crazy and buy the best -- but avoid the rot-gut)

7 oz (2 cups) pecan halves (toasted)

1 cup flour

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp salt

3 large eggs

1 cup granulated sugar

unflavored dried bread crumbs

For the fruit -- I like pineapple/dried cherry/currants and apricot/raisins/cranberries

whatever you like -- but choose flavors that go well together and have different colors to make them pretty (this year -- I'm trying cranberry, cherry, white raisin and a tiny bit of minced candied ginger -- doesn't it look pretty?)

pack the fruit into a mason jar or a zip lock bag -- and add the brandy -- seal it up and let it soak - -turn the jar over a few times a day -- and let the brandy get into the fruit and the fruit get into the brandy -- I've done this weeks in advance --

preheat the oven and put the rack in the middle -- 350 degrees

line the inside of a 9 x 13 pan with alum. foil and butter the inside  I do this by lining the pan and putting in a pat of butter -- I put it in the oven for a minute to melt the butter and use a pastry brush to coat the foil -- dust with unflavored bread crumbs and set pan aside.

sift together the flour, baking powder and salt and set aside.

in a mixer, beat eggs just to mix -- add sugar and beat to mix -- add dry ingredients and beat just until mixed in (not too long!). Fold in the fruit -- all the brandy in the jars and the toasted nuts and turn the batter into the prepared pan - bake for 45 minutes.

Cool -- turn out and remove foil -- cut in small squares with a serrated bread knife(sometimes I freeze the whole thing unsliced and then cut them when I'm ready to do the cookie exchange)

these taste like what fruit cake is supposed to taste like -- yummy and pretty like little jewels -- this will convert you to a fruit cake lover!

****************

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Aisha
Alice
Ally
Another Suburban Mom
Ashly Star
Beau
Beth
Conina
Elysia
greengirl
Hedone
Jack & Jill
His wyld rose
Infidelity Chronicles
Jz
Kirsti
Krissy
lil
Linda Long
Little Monkey
Lola!
Mijena
mouse
Naughty Kitty
nilla
ponderouspet
ronnie
Rose
Ryan
Sara
selkie (her recipe here, her blog here)
Sephani Page
Serenity
shadesofblue
striving for peace
sin
Tempting Sweets
The Missus
undercovermetamorphosis
Viemoira

whoops

Apparently I stopped shaving about a month ago

completely

everything

yeah

um

am I'm not quite sure how it escaped my notice

that I was turning into an orangutan.

Gifts

People ask me if I give paintings away

and my answer is that it's painful

how do you give someone a painting?

paintings are so personal
your art work in your house
is how you express your personality in your home

How in the world do you give someone something that they have to choose themselves

so -- (laughing)

instead I have a house full of my own paintings

I'm going to eventually have to figure out a way to sell them
or

get bigger walls.

This is who plays me in the movie of my life.

Confessions

I am a shit housekeeper.

I hate it

I hate it so much that I would rather do anything

ANYTHING

other than do it.

it's  not that I don't like a clean house
I do

I just want  magical fairies to come do it for me

so today

I'm uncluttering

so I can get my walk through by the maid service today and get a quote.

Yes -- I'm cleaning before the maid comes

not really cleaning - just picking up

and what am I doing instead of picking up?

blogging

sigh

the interesting thing for me about my loathing for housework is that
I feel guilty about it

as if when God decided that I wouldn't get my own penis
I should be happy with getting a broom instead

for some reason -- I still equate being a woman with
being the one who has to be the cleaner

I work hard
I work a lot of hours
and

I deserve this

and as long as I don't have to SEE them do it
I can pretend that fairies DID come

and I won't feel guilty about it

December Where I Live

The Plan (vanilla)

I'm not a big fan of the idea that "God has a plan for each of us"

it

well -- it seems lazy to me
I like to believe that I make my own fate
and
God mostly does a face palm at my choices

but the idea that he moves things around
like pieces on a chess board

irritates me

and yet

today

because my plans with M were cancelled I was in my office
when the employee with the crisis came in

and the other friend she has there
just happened to still be at work late
so we were able to work on her together

she got so overwrought that she started to vomit
and
she stopped breathing on us
twice
I was able to use my training from my classes to get her breathing again

yay! Dr. Heimlich!

and because she had a medical crisis
we were able to call the ambulance for her
without her consent

she refused to go with them
but seeing how serious it was
she allowed us to take her to the hospital.

and she's taking the right steps to get her life back together.

everything fell into place today
everything

like a plan
a fucking plan

even the 7 hour wait
seemed to play in to the plan
as it gave us the chance to
breathe a bit
and calm down
and laugh together at some of the insane antics

at the psych outpatient clinic
which made her feel less crazy

yeah

it all fell into place.

darn plan.

Reindeer Games

better

I wrote this post called "a mess"

M and I hit a hiccup and we're not going to see each other this weekend.

and

I'm not going to post it for a bit
because

I'm just worn out from sympathy
and comfort and shit

I've cried my tears

(M and I are just fine -- strong and happy)

and

I'm just really really tired.

So -- I'm here watching TV

yes - -I watch TV
I watch a lot of TV
I like it
and
I'm fine with that
I do love my Netflix ya'll

and taking it one day at a time

in a day or so I'll post my angsty blog post and we can talk about it then

sfp

PS -- in other news -- the employee came in today -- I don't think anything is better -- but she was there - -and that's a start.