Fucking Up

I am thinking about fucking up
not

wee little errors or mistakes

but class A fuck ups

the things that can destroy your credibility
make people question you
and what you're all about

I have someone who works with me
who's been there for well over 10 years
someone who's stellar

who just really really fucked up
majorly

almost destroying everything in her life with her fuck up

she's getting help
and she called me today
in my official HR capacity

worried
upset

destroyed
about her colossal fuck up
(her words -- not mine)

and I asked her
"who would we be if we threw away 10 years because you fucked up once?"

M and I talked about it on the way home
royal fuck ups

and the prices we pay for them

and whether someone can forgive and move on
or not

I think I want to live in a world where fuck ups are forgiven
where we look at the whole history
instead of a moment
and weigh a whole person
instead of a mistake

talking to her made me think hard about it
and how much I hope
that when I fuck up
someone will see me
and not just a mistake.

Lasagna and Love

M and I have missed each other a lot in the past week

I've been stressed out
he's been busy

and then he was away visiting family this weekend
and they tend to use up every ounce of time when he's there
we text
but we don't talk
because by the time he's fee
I've been asleep for hours

We tried to have a date on Saturday night when he got home
phone date that is
and he sent me a text that he would be calling within the hour
once his little one fell asleep

but apparently woke up at 3am on the carpet -- where he had agreed to lie down for a minute while she as conking out

so last night
I asked him via text for a date

he agreed
and I asked if his girl might have an orgasm tonight

He said, "She will put in her plug at 9 and we'll see about the rest"

oh my

it's rare he gets phone-domly
mostly we chat
we talk
we support
we love
but he has little use for applying pain or (hmm -- how do we categorize it?)
if he's not there to enjoy it.

and 9 meant -- I would be by myself.

It was only 8 so I continued my online chat with Nilla

I made veggie lasagna with a friend yesterday
and was sharing the recipe with her

she didn't believe me that you can make it without cooking the noodles at at
seriously

you just add lots more sauce next to the noodles and the cook in the pan
sooo much easier.

Nilla reminded me that it was time to go plug up

and I did struggle with it
it's been a long time
since the plug made an appearance
and it takes me about 10 minutes to get it seated.

(no pun intended)

my body fights it so much
and I haven't quite learned the trick
to relax right away
and give in
my head does
but my ass is the independent sort.

I finally reported my success at 9:03 -- and was ordered (via text) to Duck that pussy, but do not cum.

I decided not to take that moment to make fun of his prudish iPhone
and to follow his directive

ducking away
and eventually
being ordered to cum

and then after I thought I was done
cum again

before I removed the plug

and awaited his call

we then caught up on our week
and this time -- I tucked him into bed exhausted

this morning -- as I analyze things
would I have preferred some phone sex -- to be with him on the phone?

yes --

but yes and no

because -- I'm the one who needed the control and the sex
I've needed it a lot this week
he has not
or
when he has
he's taken care of it on his own
which is is allowed
and I am not

and I really didn't want to waste any of our reconnect time
I needed to talk to my man
and hear his voice

we all get what we need
and I love that about us.

quiet

Not much is happening in D/s land

I miss him
I miss having that control
that need

but right now
the vanilla is beating both of us down

thank God we have a strong vanilla connection
or we might feel that things were broken

but the truth is
our lives are about 95% vanilla
with just a dash to the D/s stuff

sometimes just a sprinkle -- not even a dash

or a whisper

but

it will come back

So he's being beat down at work
and I'm playing the adoption hurryupandwait game

and we have each other
for support
on all fronts

I am lucky
I wish I were luckier
but I'm not going to downplay how rich my life really is

but
it does make for some seriously dull blogging

Being Good

One of the things I love about him
is that he lets me in

he gives me the opportunity to be there for him.

he takes risks
he risks being vulnerable.

and really
that's awfully hard for so many men
to let us in

It gives me the opportunity to be my best
to be
the "good" girlfriend

to advise
to comfort
to cheer

sometimes I wonder if this isn't part of the "secret sauce"

sometimes we're too strong
too strong to let them see our weakness
too strong to let them see they are needed.

I need the opportunity to be good

and they need the opportunity to be heroic too

today
this is my love note to my man

my unread love note -- since he does not read here
but nonetheless

thank you my love
for needing me
and creating a safe place
to show that I need you

and most of all
for being there when I need you.

I love you
you make my world
much more full.

More on the outing

So -- M started to think that the Horrible Woman (HW) who threatened to contact his wife (because she doesn't know that they've been apart for several years now -- although still married) and his employer was bluffing.

but no.

and it seems apparent that what she did -- was forward emails between HW and M to M's Ex.

when you think about this logically
this really isn't any new information.

the Ex knows that M cheated on her -- the affair he had dates from before his meeting HW.

But the Ex has held on to the hope
the illogical belief
that somehow the two of them will reconcile.

although how she thinks they would reconcile when she is still so very very angry....when even their therapist thought they were irreconcilable.

it's been a hope of hers
even now
when they are finishing up negotiations on the divorce.

the HW doesn't know they are divorcing

and so -- to exact her revenge?
to get attention?
to punish M?

she sent their correspondence (how much of it?  what did it say? -- only the Ex and HW know)

and

honestly -- it's just about the meanest thing I think someone could do.

because

the Ex isn't the devil
she's just a woman who had the rug pulled out from underneath her who doesn't have the coping skills to accept the change -- process the emotion and move on.

she's a woman who is already too trapped by her own anger.

and now the HW has come and poured gasoline on it
has mad her hurt
her anger
her feeling of betrayal

fresh and new

it was cruel

and I can't even call it self serving
because HW doesn't get anything she wants from this.

sure -- M is punished
but an innocent is punished so much more
and HW has nothing left to punish him with

sure
HW could sent that same stuff to his work
but they would just delete it
they might roll their eyes a bit
but they know that he's getting divorced

I guess I'm writing this because I just struggle with why someone would do something so mean spirited with so little to gain from it.

it makes me sad

M gets outted.

We had a bit of a rough patch on Sunday
M was out of sorts
hurting
and a bit distracted and frustrated
it was hard for me to not feel like it was about us

but it wasn't

Someone M used to know
decided to start posting info about him
on his company's fb page

she started off being vague
but is now threatening him
much more directly

I have to be honest
when he told me about this
I thought

he's not being truthful about how long ago this relationship happened
that perhaps he's been shopping around more recently
and got burned

but

seriously

this man doesn't have enough time to juggle
work
ex
daughter
and me
and another girl
particularly since he's always around for me

I feel so bad for him

he feels like he brought it on himself
that he took chances
and how he's paying for it.

but what did he do that was so bad?

he trusted someone
he shared himself with someone
he took a risk

will she tell all?
will they buy it?
will they care?

all I know
is that it's weighing heavily on my man
and I can't fix it.

I need to get my mind right

He'll be here in a few hours -- I need to take a shower
and tidy up the shaving

boy

that took awhile

I really shouldn't let it get so far
but 3 months is a long time

but the underbrush isn't the only thing that's untidy

I have got to get my head on straight

because it's been so long
so very long

that

I feel like I'm missing that subby anticipation
that right mindset

and I had best work it out pretty quick
because

mindset or no
we're going where we're going

and I've felt this way before
I often feel this way

I often have this completely vanilla normal feeling before we meet
and seconds after he walks in the door

I'm there

and I'm going to trust
that I'll be there again
in just a few hours.

Taking it on the road

I'm on the road tomorrow -- off to see some friends on Friday and Saturday
and that man of mine on Sunday

so
I thought I had more to say
but
um

nope.

I'm good.

a bit of bossy

He called me today

"What are you doing"

"driving around looking for something to eat"

"no drive thru"

and it pulled me up a bit

he doesn't boss me much

he doesn't criticize what I eat
or what I do

if I cook
or eat out

but he just stated it

and

all of a sudden, I'm pulling into a grocery store
mildly muttering in my head

not irritated that I was bossed
irritated that I left the opening

so

I'm at home
I AM eating a frozen pizza

but making a pot roast for tomorrow

my tiny rebellion I guess

a miss

I really thought I wanted an O yesterday

I did

and I got permission
which was very nice of him

I am getting a lot of permission lately
then again I am asking for permission a lot lately

and I got out all the old friends
the vibes
and some clamps
and there was even an anal option

and I have to tell you

I just

missed

what was it?

exhaustion?
maybe

was it that I tried too hard for it?

sigh

most likely

but really

I just couldn't get my brain to shut off

sometimes I wonder why I bother with the toys at all

I think I could just listen to his voice
have him tell me to do it

and with the tiniest of nudges
make it all the way there

I gave up
washed up my toys
and went out to my garden

and all was well

but I think I need some man-time
really soon

or my toys may just stay where they're at.

Pretty Quiet

yes -- it's pretty quiet over here.

I'm working
and waiting
and

well -- not having a very sexy time of it

I'm 7 days I hope from a visit with M
if nothing else happens

and

I think we really both need this to happen
because
otherwise we're going to stop believing that it will work this way

sigh

but

that's not the way to think
I'm going to be positive

and

although the week will creep by

we will be together soon

sfp

My imagination

I have a technicolor worry imagination.

when someone's late
or doesn't call
when I expect them to

I can picture what might have befallen them
sometimes vividly.

I worry
I worry that something might happen to M
and I wouldn't know
that he would just disappear from my life

and I would have to call around

"Hi -- this is sfp -- you don't know me -- I'm a friend of M's -- um -- have you seen him lately?"

that he could be in the hospital
or dead

and no one would call me

because we're not out

I hate that feeling
I hate feeling so out of control
so

marginal

I did this when I was married too

the Ex was very ill
for a very long time
and if he was late
I would worry he was dead
that he had a heart attack on the way home
and went off the road

I hate that I'm that girl
that over dramatic girl
who imagines tragedy
with no evidence

that is so self centered
that the only reason that a man
isn't available
or on time
right when I want him to
is because something dreadful has happened.

fucking drama queen.