Halfway there - a yummy cookie vanilla post

I'm half way through the cookie baking

but I'm at that stage

you know it

that stage when you're kitchen is so fucking cluttered and dirty and you still have so many more cookies to bake that you have a fantasy of a fire

yup

if your house burned down --

you wouldn't have to bake any more
and you wouldn't have to clean
and you could just grab a plate of cookies to eat while the cute firemen put out the blaze

yeah

that's where I am

How Blogging makes you uncool

There are a ton of cool things about blogging

the community for one -- the relationships that are built -- even the introspection -- there's something about putting your inner most thoughts out there for all to see that makes you really think about what you think about.

All in all -- blogging is good for my soul

I don't however - think blogging is good for my dating life

which makes it tough

as I don't like the idea of having something secret from my partner

but I also don't like the idea of censoring anything that I say here -- I think it's dishonest.

that being said -- I do censor a lot -- there are things I don't share -- or 1/2 share -- not everything that happens in my life is mine to tell -- and some things are just incidental -- and don't pertain to the story at hand.

At any rate -- how does blogging make you uncool?...

more specifically -- how does blogging make ME uncool.

Well -- if you're uber confident -- and never waffle or worry -- then you can come off as a pretty cool cat when blogging

I don't know if I want to READ your blog -- but I imagine you're cool - I bet people like you -- are attracted to your confidence etc.

In the dating world -- being a waffler is the kiss of death -- we have to show that we're confident all the time -- almost diffident -- "Hey man -- you're ok - but I can take you or leave you" -- indecision is a sign of weakness

weakness must be mocked and shunned.

And when I blog? I put it all out there -- pettiness-- weakness -- fear -- emotion -- weakness -- jealousy -- it's all out there

and here's the thing

the way you read me here?

a worrier -- a joker -- sensitive -- unsure -- finding myself -- and even (how did Sin put it to me) a bit tart

that's me

that's really really me

so that cool diffident person that can take it or leave it?

If you think you're getting her -- ever? she's imaginary

this is the girl you get

this one

not that other one

THIS one

but know that when I find that right partner -- either for life -- or for right now -- he's going to be the one that likes THIS girl


This mixed up worrier
This passionate partner
This blogger

THIS girl.

Cookies -- a yummy vanilla post

Every year I have my annual cookie baking party -- today is a day off to plan and prepare -- not very many of my friends can make it this year (because I live in the BFE) -- but it's on as usual.

This is how it goes sometimes -- sometimes you have tons of support - and sometimes it boils down to those few people who are at the core

Sometimes I think I like the years that it's just the core group the best.

So -- what's on the menu?

Gingerful Bisotti
Bittersweet Chocolate Cherry Biscotti
Cardamon Cookies
Brandied Tropical Fruit Bars
Napa Valley Almond Bars
Key Lime Cookies
chocolate peppermint pinwheels
chocolate dipped pretzels with toffee chips
Biscochitos
Gingerbread cookies

and something new this year -- maybe with pumpkin -- I want a soft pumpkin recipe with cranberries or chocolate chips

How much will we bake?

brace yourselves -- about 800 cookies is the average -- give or take -- since I'm making the key lime cookies which make an insane amount -- it could be closer to 1000.

Happy Holidays all -- I am shopping -- having lunch with L -- and coming home to clean and make some dough in advance.

hmmm -- maybe some of the kiddo's favorite cakey chocolate chip cookies.....

TMI vanilla post - lactose intolerance

We are making homemade hot chocolate at work tomorrow (for 150)

I am now apparently SO lactose intolerant that I get sick from carrying 10 gallons of milk

in my CAR

(thank God I made it to my place in time!)

sfp

What a tool

I woke up at 3am last night

Like I do

I usually wake up a few times a night -- I get up and go to the bathroom -- and if I don't fall right back to sleep - I open the computer

bad I know

because if I would just close my eyes -- I would get more sleep -- but now I have this bad habit.

the laptop lives on the left side of the bed

so bad me

I open the computer

and read an email or two -- and then yahoo messenger dings

I think -- 'maybe it's L -- admonishing me to go to sleep'

but it's some tool I met on Plenty of Fish

asking me why I'm up

"insomnia" I answer

"you know what's good for that" he says

I ignore him

"your pussy needs a good pounding"

::face palm::

::disconnect::

really dude?

really?

what did you expect?

Did you think I was going to say, "Why Yes -- I do need my pussy pounded -- thank you so very much for the suggestion. Please -- come over right now and pound my pussy -- the insomnia is so terrible that what I really want is for a stranger to come give me a good pounding so I can sleep"

it's like a public service

Differences - (vanilla post)

(I started to write this in my vanilla blog -- but some things can't be said there -- people who know us read it -- and I'm embarrassed by this. But I also need to say it....it's about my lovely student)

Sometimes the differences are wonderful

and funny

and charming

and sometimes our differences are shocking

Today M told me a story about people in her country that will shave a girl's head if she is known to date a boy that is Chinese.

they grab her on the street -- and shave her head in the name of racial purity.

and my sweet loving girl -- doesn't see that this is bad.

and I have to walk that careful line

between telling her what to think (which is useless)

and helping her to see that violence -- and bigotry is wrong. No matter what her parents or her family or her friends or her teachers have told her.

helping her to see that people of different cultures are all the same -- and deserving of the same human rights.

sometimes our differences are hard.

but I have 7 more months to go......and I won't give up.

How do you solve a problem like...lumpy? (TMI post)

ok -- maybe the Sound of Music reference was a bit weird.

Off to the doctor today who -- drum roll please....LOST MY ULTRASOUND RECORDS

This would alarm me except that I've been going to them for years and they did a very successful surgery for me a few years ago

So -- instead -- I told them what they told me when they called

Based on my statement of what the ultrasounds actually said -- we made the following decision

(pending the locating of my films)

No Fibroid Embolism

Ablation it is.

Which is a bit disturbing.

They essentially microwave your uterus -- so it stops doing it's THANG -- that makes you so miserable. -- it ends your periods altogether for about 80% and makes them super light for the rest.

I haven't had this done up until now because you can still get pregnant

you can't carry

but you can still get pregnant.

But they have this non-invasive tubal ligation that I can get done as well that will take care of that problem and free me from ingesting literally 1000's of birth control pills between now and menopause.

no sex for 2 weeks -- but hey -- I've gone longer than that without a problem.

lumpy will still go about her business making new lumps -- but they won't make me miserable.

I feel good about this decision -- I just have to figure out if I want to do it -- and make sure the insurance will pay.

a good day.

I don't want him back.

I just woke up from a dream (well for the second time -- the parents are all dropped off and I came home for a nap) it was a clear, sharp dream -- that doesn't feel like a dream at all....

I went by to see Mr. C -- I'm not sure why

and we started to talk -- and talk and talk

and before you know it -- he pulled me into his arms

he told me what a horrible mistake it was letting me go

he promised that things would change -- and we began to play

and the play was fun -- and intense -- and he took it to some new places that we never went

and it was -- how does 'nilla put it? HAWT

and the whole time -- my brain was reeling

"do I want this? do I want this?"

My mouth was saying yes -- and he said all the right things -- and it was beautiful between us.

and a part of me that wasn't part of the dream kept saying

"no"

and that part of me got louder

"No"

and louder

"NO"

and louder

"NO!"

and that part of me finally woke me up.

and I know

that

I don't want him back

BEST

NAP

EVER

I feel terrible (girly vanilla TMI post)

My Momma would say that I look like I've been "rode hard and put up wet'

This expression is used in two different ways in my family -- one way -- implies that a woman has had a hard hard life (in my Mom's world that means used up by too many men -- too much liquor -- too much smoking -- and too many babies).

or in my case

looks really really run down. Exhausted after a particularly hard week.

I ache all over -- and it's just that I took this stupid hiatus from the BC pills this month and am brought back to one of the reasons why I take them -- control of my cycle.

I had a procedure to remove a nasty cystic growth on one of my ovaries a few years ago and was diagnosed with the fibroids at that time -- and in my head I've associated the ovary-hat-removal with "fixing me"

when really -- it's the fibroids that were causing the pain.

And now that there are more fibroids -- when I'm having a "normal" cycle

the pain is much more intense. I'm up in the middle of the night several times because I'm soaked through.

and this period just -- -won't -- end.
but

this pain is a gift.

yup -- it's a gift.

Because I go in on Monday to discuss my options for treatment --- and I'm an extremely hard sell on having any sort of procedure done.

I think this comes from living with my Ex who had all sorts of medical problems. They were always wanting to try surgical procedures or prescriptions that might or might not help -- it made me a careful-medical-shopper.

but being right in the middle of seeing what's going on with lumpy -- it'll give me that push I need to make a decision.

Because this is hell.

So I'm off to take a hot shower -- and start my day.

but before then -- I have to thank lumpy for helping me see what's going on in there and apologize a bit.

"Sorry old girl -- we'll get you fixed up -- I promise."

Lumpy's bitch

every once in awhile I am reminded how much I really am just lumpy's bitch.

lumpy makes me cry at work

and sometimes

lumpy makes me feel like I'm losing my mind

and sometimes

lumpy - -just for fun -- makes me come home on my lunch hour to masturbate.

well

and eat lunch

it doesn't take me that long to masturbate.

yeah -- I'm that girl.

ruled by the hormones.

lumpy gives the leash a little tug and I fall right in line with whatever it's cruel mix of hormones wants me to do

well -- your day is coming lumpy -- then we'll see who's boss....

mark my words

your day is coming

Food = Love

Food = Love

it always has

I'm up at 3:30 making muffins for the team that had to work today. Normally I would make them from scratch -- but I'm learning to stop being crazy

they won't care anyway that they're baked from box

My employees know -- that Food = Love.

*****************

The last 5 years of my marriage --- I noticed something. The only time I ever received a compliment from the Ex -- was on my food.

seriously

I didn't notice it the first 6 months or so -- but then I started paying attention.

I got a compliment on anything I made -- but nothing on my appearance, my work....just food.

and it taught me -- Food = Love.

******************

Mr. C hated my cooking (well -- it made him sick -- he cannot eat anything spicy -- or with onions -- or with vegetables -- so -- everything I make)

and I had a hard time understanding why that was so hurtful --

until I realized that for me

Food = Love

******************

So I'm off to pack up warm muffins - take them to the office

where my happy employees will pounce on them

and I'll know

that they know

Food = Love

I am not a rock

Hedone and I were emailing back and forth and the following came out of a glib comment that I made about resilience...I do love shit poetry:

Do not call me a rock

I am not a rock
rain and wind will not wear me down
I will not erode
or chip

a rock when struck
may splinter
parts of her may fall away

a rock
gives no comfort to the weary
she does not give under pressure
a rock is only strong until she is shattered

I am not a rock

Call me a trampoline

when you throw yourself upon me
I give
I respond
I return your energy
We will laugh together
until we are spent

You can dent me, but I will spring back
I am buoyant
resilient
strong

and then
lay upon me on an autumn night
and gaze up at the stars
and we will rest together

I am a trampoline

sfp

Relief and Disappointment (vanilla blog - girl topics - DANGER)

My Gynecologist seems to have some sort of fucked up sense of humor

Yeah - - it's going to be one of those blogs -- consider yourself warned -- you can go scamper off and find out what naughtiness Aisha's up to -- things are steamy over there lately

So -- I got the poke and prod last week -- and the smear the week before -- you'll remember that they've already startled me after my STD test by calling me (instead of getting an automated message) for my results -- just to tell me to take vitamin D.

jokers

but then they called me today about my mammogram

what?

read my lips -- POSTCARD -- no phone calls -- P O S T C A R D.

Phone calls are bad

I call them back and they tell me that I'm lumpless (woo hoo!)

on with my day

So -- later on in the day -- all the men I work with are in a meeting in my office -- it's like an overheated testosterone clown car in there -- not quite sure why we're all in my office.

And the phone rings

It's THEM again

I decide to pick it up

they want to talk to me about my uterus

my LUMPY uterus

fuck

apparently they've counted up the lumps this year -- subtracted last year's lumps and came out with a positive number

They've spawned

and no -- it's not cancerous

but they want to bring me in to "discuss my options"

so -- can I just say --

I am sick as shit of my lumpy ass uterus
you suck

You traitorous fuck -- NOW you grow shit? NOW? I mean -- thanks for not having cancer -- I mean -- I guess I shouldn't be ungrateful -- but I'm not excited about the words GROIN and INCISION

so I was pissed when I got this call today -- my response (as the men were all there was) "Thank you -- I'll take it under advisement"

So -- of course I'll call them tomorrow and make the appointment and be a "big girl"

but today -- I feel pouty -- so I thought I would blog it out instead

Don't wanna! NO!

sfp

PS -- I'm not speaking to the lumpy uterus -- if you see it -- please tell it to fuck off.

Dream Interpretation

Ok -- those of you who read my blog (all 6 of you) -- I would love to hear your thoughts on my recent dreams -- blogged about a few days ago here.

Any thoughts on the meaning?

Aisha sent me the following and allowed me to print her email here as long as I am clear that it's just one opinion and all in fun:

"....some people believe everything in a dream represents part of your self. So, male figures may be some aspect of your own masculine self. The house is often thought of as representing your self, your personna - where "YOU" live.

Water is generally feminine - connected with the great mother archetype. The ocean. Ambiotic fluid. Those kinds of female images.

Enough for now... but it's all just for fun anyhow, right? And really, what's most important is what stuff means to you. So -what does Mick or Mick and Molly symbolize to you? And how is that expressed in your self?...

So -- what do you guys think?

and what the hell do we think the aliens under my skin are about?

sfp

Latest Dreams

I've been having some weird dreams - this one was yesterday afternoon

This one was like a TV show's first episode

I woke up from a nap (yes, I was even napping in the dream) and there's a strange man in my house-- my reaction is pretty much the typical hysterical 'who are you and what do you want"

He's calm

He tells me that he was sent over to do some work in the house -- and he's sorry that he scared me

He's sitting pretty far away from me -- and talking calmly - like you would to someone who you are trying to soothe -- he can tell that I'm about to bolt

I get into the other room - and grab these big scissors that I have out for a project I'm working on -- and I hide them behind a pillow (both of these items are in my living room right now) -- because I'm stealthy and that way I won't be caught with the scissors.

So he's alternating between trying to calm me down and trying to find out where someone is ...and I find that I'm starting to calm down.....my guard is lowering ....and then he says something interesting:

"Well -- I better get this work done or Mick'll be upset"

"Mick???" I think...."You call him 'Mick'?" I ask casually..

"Yeah", He laughs, "that's his name"

I start to panic -- Mick and Molly (my landlords) aren't Mick and Molly in real life (LOL -- apparently Mick and Molly are my landlords in dream life) -- this guy is going to hurt me!

So -- he pretends to do whatever work he's there to do -- and I slip out the back -- and he doesn't know I'm gone at first so I have time to hide in a neighbor's garage -- the garage door closes just as he comes into view -- RATS

I get them to let me in and I hide in the kitchen. I can hear him talking to the neighbors on the back porch -- He tells them he's a Marshall -- looking for me to ask me questions -- I crawl into the closet --it has those louvered doors with slats -- I can see out -- and I realize that they can see in if they want to. I feel like Jaime Lee Curtis in the first Halloween movie.

They all come in the kitchen as he searches the house for me -- and suddenly there's a tub of water in the closet with me -- I'm able to take a breath and submerge myself and I am impossible to see through the ripples of the water, and the slats --

After he leaves I come out of the water and my friends help me by packing a bag

I'm going on the Lamb (or is it Lam??) -- to solve this mystery -- How do they know that Mick and Molly go by those names instead of their R/L names? What do they want with me? What secret were they trying to find out? Do they know about the blog? Have I been outed? Who is the bald man -- is he with the law -- or someone else?

And how will one girl manage to solve all this while running for her life and freedom??...Stay tuned...

**********************
Saturday I dreamt that there were 3 alien looking worms living under my skin. I got them out and they were swimming around in a bowl -- they looked like black paper cut-outs -- I was worried that they might have laid eggs or something - ala ALIEN....I woke up in a cold sweat

**********************

No more potstickers before nap time.

Mouse Hunt

I'm hearing things

not voices

just ....rustling

I've been by myself quite a bit this weekend (and had a HUGE pity party last night -- sorry none of you could join me -- there were chips!)

where was I

rustling.

GAH

Last year I had a mouse -- (yes -- I know -- technically, there's no such thing as having one mouse -- but humor me -- I only saw one mouse and after Bob -- yes -- I named him Bob -- "passed away" -- there were no more mice. I live in a country setting -- Bob was a country mouse -- not a crass city-mouse who brings all his brothers and sisters and cousins)

Last year I had a mouse -- and it drove me crazy

and now --

we have RUSTLING

ewww

I only hear it when I'm in bed

and the house is silent

When I get up - and go to the bathroom

the rustling stops

tricky bastard.

This morning -- I awoke to more rustling -- and I thought I had it pin pointed until the damned A/C clicked on -- covering his tracks (it's just warm enough here that the A/C still comes on from time to time)

damn

finally the A/C cycled off.

more rustling

this time -- close to the edge of the bed

crap

there's a mouse -- in my ROOM!!!!

rustle rustle rustle

wow -- it's close

I look around the bed and see that there's a shopping bag that I left on the floor (hey -- I've had a shitty week -- my place is a mess)

I gingerly reach down

bracing myself that when I touch the bag -- a little grey blur will race out and make me scream like a little girl -- or jump up on a chair and hold my skirt like some sort of character in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

I hate mice

I touch the bag

no grey blur

then I pick up the bag and shake it.

a Beetle shakes out of the bag ---ambling across the carpet....relieved that it's finally free of its plastic prison.

Is there a moral to this story?

"Don't make a mouse out of a beetle?

somehow I don't think it's going to catch on as an aphorism

All of Me -- Why Not Take All of Me?

I love that song

it's come to mind because I've been thinking about my first post here - where I said I was committed to no longer be a sliver of myself - -but express things from all aspects of my life.

But I'm not sure that it's possible.

The nature of blogging is to express those inner-most thoughts....but you can't help but censor yourself

....I find myself censoring things that have happened that occurred with blog-readers -- for not wanting to stir things up. This is frustrating -- because there is no one in the vanilla world I can discuss it with. Can we not help as well to censor the things that show us in an unfavorable light?

...I find myself appearing to be much softer, gentler, kinder -- and weaker than I am in real life. And it's not possible to prevent that. As the nature of blogging is to expose our soft underbellies (anonymously) to the world....which has the effect of making us seem softer, gentler and weaker than we are in reality.

...I find myself processing thoughts online -- it's become part of it -- thinking in the lines here. Trying things on for size....fleshing them out. Which makes it seem that I am committed or interested in things that I'm just feeling out.

I wonder if any of you met me in person if you would recognize me?

My soft melty insides are protected by a hard candy shell

Poke and Probe

For those of you hoping for some sort of medical examination story -- move along -- this is a vanilla post about my girlie parts

Today was the annual poke and prod

I took the whole day off -- just to make it easier -- get it all done at once.

I took the time to take the kiddo to work and got a long overdue haircut with my favorite hairdresser -- which involves about a 40 mile drive at this point.

She's really good

On the drive I had a bit of business to take care of.

I got a message yesterday from the Dr's office -- please call us about your lab results.

Fuck

no postcard?
no message on a password protected voicemail?

"Call us about your results" is never good.

All I can think is that if I got an STD I'll have to kill him.

dead

So I call -- and I get a breezy, "Oh -- your results are all normal" (whew) -- "Oh" -- (internal sucking in of breath) "except for your Vitamin D -- she's putting you on a supplement" (whewwwwwww).

Seriously -- don't they realize that no news is GOOD NEWS --

So I was safe to drive in to start my day -- with my cute new hair. I love seeing my stylist -- I do my best comedy there -- and because I only see her about once a quarter -- I have all my "A" material.

then -- off at breakneck speed to get a mammogram.

yuck

Ladies and G's -- I have large breasts -- it's not so much the putting the breasts in the vice (after all - I've done worse than that in the name of fun) -- it's the impersonal man -- uh -- woman-handling....and of course the fun of not being able to wear deodorant -- at least it's not 107 degrees anymore.

so after being moved, shifted, adjusted and crushed
we were done
and she told me to get dressed
and get out


Lunch with a work colleague

then off to the probing

The vaginal ultrasound

Here's the tool - in case you're curious.

Ovaries seem to be free of little hats or other appendages not meant to be there -- and nothing else has changed

so -- yipee! -- no surgery for me this year!

So the poke and prod was over
she gave me a tissue
told me to get up
get dressed
and get out

cold bitches -- no flowers -- no dinner -- they just get out their toys -- play with you -- and discard you

heartless

and yet -- year after year -- I keep coming back.