So - I was just reading more on the comments on Sin's blog and one of the comments got under my skin
actually a lot of it has.
In particular -- the original Anon comment that felt that it was ok in a moment when a person was expressing pain to be a bit mean and comment that she brought it on herself.
and then in the comments -- to be rude to mouse
who frankly has got to be the kindest and gentlest of us.
Anon was called out on this and responded:
I didn't realize this was a support group where the readers were expected to only say positive and uplifting things. When you put your thoughts and opinions on a public forum, you take a risk with rubbing people the wrong way and potentially receiving negative feedback. As I stated previously, no one here has stated anything cruel. I may not be holding everyone's hand, singing Kumbya and offering gentle words of support over people cheating. But there's absolutely nothing here that I've said that has been mean-spirited or out of line. If you want your blog to be read by close friends who will only coddle you over anything and everything you ever say, then perhaps you need to make said blog private.
so are we a support group?
I agree with Aisha -- we tend to be supportive -- or at the very least to not tear each other down. When people disagree with us -- they tend to gently suggest a different view -- as one would with a friend you are having tea with
We do not when our friend is commenting that she is hurt
tell her she brought it upon herself
We are civil.
often we are silent -- because we have nothing nice to say
but we are civil.
what we should be asking ourselves is
why in the world would we argue that incivility should be the norm. That anyone who uses a public forum opens themselves up to whatever anyone wishes to dish out at them.
yes -- they certainly can do that
but the rest of the community neither honors that
appreciates it
nor supports it.
because we wish to protect our community
we wish to protect our brothers and sisters
we wish to protect what so many of us were looking for when we started to blog
acceptance
and community
and if we have a soapbox to get on
we do it in our own fucking blogs
where it belongs.
We do not come in
have a cup of coffee in her home
and piss on the rug
it's rude.
and if we were to choose to do that
we would at the very least
introduce ourselves properly.
Funny, I have been having some of the same thoughts tonight, about incivility and anonymous comments and how if people want to rant they can do it on their own blogs. And I've started several posts, but deleted them. Maybe tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteAnd look, you do still have lots to say!
That I do.
Deleteit's important to protect what we value.
sfp
What i find amusing as well as infuriating is i suspect that these anonymous comments do have a blogger acccount but because they know what they are going to say is offensive they havent the guts to name themselves (i have had my fair share of abusive comments, judging my relationship)...I may be wrong and they genuinley may be anon but my gut instinct says differently.
ReplyDeleteYes i get that when we choose to blog what we write (if we allow open comments) is open to speculation and im certainly not against people expressing an opinion, im not foolish enough to think that everyone will agree with me and i like hearing different views. What i wont accept is outright judging and those on their moral high horse and out intentionally to hurt and cause offence..i do also wander if they like the drama they create when they make these comments?
Anyway, i did read sin's post and anon i felt did come under the catogry of enjoying the shit stirring and ones like that are best ignored.
i love this, sub-sister of mine.
ReplyDeleteaisha
I too think it is cowardly to make judgemental comments and hide behind anonymity.
ReplyDeleteHowever: Anyone who is offended or hurt by the words of others is, in reality, hurt by their own thoughts in reaction to that "offensive" comment . If we are really prepared to accept any view of our activities as being simply the personal view of the commenter, we would not feel hurt. But we are not so prepared. These blogs are mostly written by women seeking support for their minority way of life, which the unthinking majority despise, and concerning which they feel vulnerable to adverse criticism. They want support, and when they get adverse criticism they feel attacked. Well, they are attacked, or at least their way of life is, and they are identified with that way of life, and consequently take that criticism as an attack on them personally.
Some have made their blogs private, so that adverse criticism is unlikely to come their way. This isn't a very good solution, since it greatly reduces the number of readers.
There is such a thing as "freedom of speech", and I personally treasure this freedom. That you can, without any restrictions, write a blog about a kinky lifestyle, with graphic details, and publish it online is a consequence of that freedom, remember. But really you must be prepared for someone who doesn't like your kinky lifestyle, or is afraid of it, to come and say so, perhaps not very politely. The positive comments on almost all blogs of this type outnumber the negative ones, so perhaps you should count your blessings and come up with the difference between positive and negative.
Hi, Malcom,
DeleteRespectfully, "freedom of speech" is a constitutional right that protects our freedom to express our beliefs from government interference. Blogs have a feature that allows the blogger to moderate comments specifically so that we can choose what we let into our space.
"These blogs" are mostly written by women exploring our own inner thoughts and feelings, expressing secrets often not shared anywhere else. The supportive community is often a delightful surprise for us. Of course someone else's words hurt because of our thoughts in reaction to the comment. All our feelings are driven by our own thoughts and beliefs. That doesn't invalidate them.
It's complex. There's a lot to think about here... i appreciate your input. O - even if i am over here on Sfp's blog...
aisha
Well Said.
ReplyDeleteThe pissing on the rug bit made me giggle...
Thank you again sfp for going deeper into this subject. It is so true that we come here for support and the blog does not serve it's purpose if we have to filter what we write about. I think everyone would agree that we need support at times and for a lot of us this is the only place to get it since we are not "out" to our close friends and family. Sometimes the commentors that have disagreed with my point of view and even flat out told me "No, that's not the way it is suppose to work" have helped me the most but rude comments have never served a purpose.
ReplyDeletesfp,
ReplyDeleteWhile many don't hold this view, but mouse really does see sin's blog as (like mouse's blog WAS) her kitchen table where we are her invited guests. If the hostess is upset because the toast is burned, what is the point of making her feel worse by saying, "well what do you expect when you aren't paying attention" ? When a friend is hurting you don't kick them, you bring out the ice cream, peanut butter cookies or just lend your ear. You listen...without harsh judgements.
Personally, mouse thinks this is same anonymous commenter who made the rounds earlier this year and the year before. He/she starts off polite enough -- at least in the beginning, but then the tone slowly changes to troll.
Sin was brilliant in moderating comments before things got very out of hand.
Hugs,
mouse
Hi Mouse --
Deletewell said -- and you're welcome for tea anytime.
sfp
Are ANY of you NOT anonymous? You make up a fake name and then judge anyone who uses the 'name' anonymous.
ReplyDeleteI am not the one who was making those comments, in fact I've never commented before, but I have seen so many blogs insult someone simply for using the anonymous tag and I finally had to say something.
Maybe one day I'll have a blog, if I do, it will not be under my actual name, and because of that I will never judge someone for being anonymous.
Have you ever thought that if you don't like people commenting in a judgmental way on your blog, that maybe you yourself shouldn't be judgmental?
Ok I'll bite. My name is Jacqueline Kennedy. You can't prove it's not. Kennedy was my father's last name. No, we're not related to 'those' Kennedy's. My mom named me Jacqueline because she admired the former first lady.
DeleteDoes that mean anything? No. Does it give anything I have to say more credence than sin, striving for peace, Aisha or mouse says? I don't think it does.
However if you do decide to start a blog, with your real please send us all a link.
Oh, and you can call me Jackie. All my friends do.
LOL... very cute, Jackie.
DeleteBut Anon II, if i may call you that, my blogging sisters may not know my birth name, but they know me, aisha. They read my blog, and if i didn't have a blog, they'd read my comments, and get to know me.
i hear what you're saying, but we know all kinds of things about each other. aisha is like a nickname, and yes, i'm keeping my self private from the vanilla world, but not from my friends here. So It's not the same as suddenly popping up and commenting as "anonymous."
And if you decide to join us, you'd be welcome!
aisha
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DeleteI probably would never blog, simply
Deletebecause I wouldn't enjoy it. I love reading, but writing, not so much.
Jackie, whether you use your real name, a fake one, or anonymous, it doesn't give any more credence either way. Thank you for making my point.
Aisha, I agree that some if you may feel you 'know' each other. It's always nice to have friends who have similarities. However, I do believe that some of you are way too fast to trust a fake name on a computer screen. Some of the blogs are fake, one that I know of is actually written by a guy, pretending to be a wife in a dd life. It's one of the more popular blogs.
Theres also another blog that, while I have no way of knowing if that one is fake or not, he has put up a ' donate' button on his blog, with no explanation as to what the donations are for. Several other bloggers have asked, but no answer has been given, and yet, quite a few have actually sent him money. It's a scam, but none of you will see that because he uses a fake name, and therefore must be real. Lol.
I just think some of you need to start being more careful. If the person has a fake name, blogs about dd, and only posts comments in agreement with others blogs, then you all believe it to be gospel, and you even share your money with them.
You say, in so many of your blogs, that you are not weak minded but rather you are all strong women. Then why are so many of you so naieve?
@Anon
DeleteBlogging is an interesting thing. It does make us grow closer to each other. And it might surprise you to know that several of us DO know each other in person -- yes -- ACTUALLY in person.
As for being too trusting...I think most of us are smart enough to know that not everything is real -- and I can't imagine anyone in this community giving money to anyone just because they asked for it -- there are those who do -- but it's not a huge number.
If you do choose to continue to comment -- I do suggest that you create a name for yourself (even if you do not blog) -- so that you can be distinguished from the other anonymous' -- to avoid confusion.
sfp
I have been blogging a Very Long Time, in one way or another. I've been blogging long enough that I blogged for three years before the blog software I used even had comments as an option.
ReplyDeleteOver time, I thought of comment-spaces as having three possible types:
* Free speech zone
* Discourse zone
* Living room zone
Free speech zone: No holds barred, anything goes and nothing is deleted (except spam and ads).
Discourse zone: Attack ideas, not people. No fingerpointing, no name-calling.
Living room zone: This space is an online extension of the blogger's living room. If you say something that would get you kicked out of your living room, you'll also be booted out of the comment section.
A blogger does not have to tolerate speech they find hurtful or offensive in the comment section of their blog. The person whose comment gets deleted always has the option of starting their own blog, where they can say whatever they wish.
I always find it worthwhile to write a post on any blog I keep outlining a comment policy. You look so cool and collected when you delete a comment with a tossed off 'please refer to our comment policy' than you do when you have no policy. If you have no policy, you just end up looking like the old coot yelling at the youngsters to get off your lawn.
Hello Lily-- nice to hear fro you -- I was penning something along these lines in my head when I read your comment earlier today -- well said!
Deletesfp
Also re: anonymity.
ReplyDeleteIf the internet had no option for anonymous speech, then the only people talking would be people who faced no risk for speaking their truth.
While it's true that some people will use anonymity to do bad things -- trolling, etc., suggesting that people dump anonymity is a bit like saying that we should tear up the road because some people speed on it.
@all --
ReplyDeleteHoly Cow -- I have to say that I really thought that no one was reading me anymore.
Thank you guys -- I'll go back and answer a few questions
thanks for the spirited debate!
sfp