After "love"

so after writing a sweet little poem

that was partly about Him - and partly about the kiddos

as I was feeling quite mushy about them last night
when they were sweetly asleep

today

I'm plotting a double homicide.

KK has decided that she is NOT going to learn her multiplication tables -- and has outright refused to do anything to learn them

We've now had 2 full on tantrums about it

and I get not knowing how to do it

but seriously?
refusing to even try?

and here's my thing

she does know some of it

because she did 3 of the problems yesterday - but refuses to even think about any of them today

perhaps it's the only things she has any control over.

so

I have to decide

do I dig in super hard?

and allow no privileges as long as there is 0% effort being made towards homework or even trying to lean her times tables

OR

do I acknowledge that this is at least in part about having control
about melting down over mom

sigh

do I get her a tutor?
and what's the point of a tutor if she has a fit and won't do the work?

so - here we are

it's too late tonight
but they both needed baths

and they're driving me mother fucking insane

Sir P to me:  Take a deep breath in through the nose -- and out through the mouth

Me:  Why Sir -- will that make my aim better?

Love

Love
is

not what we want it to be

it is

what

it is

it follows no schedule

it

leaps ahead

skipping steps

gleefully

to sometimes stall

and sometimes flounder

it cannot be forced

or created

and sometimes cannot even be nurtured

it is a wild beast

that rips and tears

or

flicks it ear

and stalks away

it has no reasoning

no wisdom

and when closely analyzed

seems to have little substance

and despite what we know of it's nature

we hunt for it

all our lives

but only catch it

when we stop

and stand

and wait.

Talisman

Sir P and I were talking about talismans today
and their importance

well

what we were actually talking about was the idea of him sending me a shirt to sleep with -- which I think was more of a fantasy - than an offer

it's early days
it's the time when you try ideas on for size
rather than the time to going to the hamper and UPSing me a care package.

and things have never had a lot of value to me - I don't crave gifts -- flowers, cards, jewelry -- has never meant as much to me as time and effort

and perhaps I've been too much that way

because

here's a confession

other than the purchase of a paddle -- or other sex toy

no man has given me a present since I was married.

yeah

things I don't mention on the blog

because it makes you sound like a greedy bitch

but neither Mr. C -- nor M-- ever gave me a card, a flower, a present - not for anniversaries - not for christmas - not for birthdays

not ever.

which is not to say that they were not giving generous men

and I guess you can't have it both ways
you can't tell a man that gifts aren't that important

and then be a little off put by not getting a gift.

but there it is

I'm a girl who would like to have a gift from time to time

something to hold in my hand
as I thought of him

so

it's sort of funny writing this - because it sounds like I'm saying to Sir P

hey!
send me something

and I am not saying that
and he'll read this -- so there's that weirdness

we're not at that point anyway

and - -I'm sort of wondering why I'm writing this at this point

but I guess it's that

the idea
of having something with me
that was with him

is a very sweet
very romantic idea
and one I like very very much.

Romantic bullshit

The girls mother came up with a real doozy to fuck with their heads

she told them that every night -- at 730 -- not a minute before-- or a minute after - that she would be looking at the moon -- and if they looked at that moon at exactly the same time -- they would be looking at it together.

what a fucking bitch.

so

without any effort of her own - she has them jumping through hoops.

every night?

every fucking night?

so - every night -- when she's doing who fucking knows what

the girls
are freaked out -- watching the clock

so that they can do their part
be close to their mother

and when they miss?

they're dejected

all because she wanted to feel like she was connecting with them

it's like she has to just fuck them up just a wee bit more

bitch

Mommy Dearest

FoxyLoxy is the pickiest fucking eater ever.

the chicken nuggets that were delicious last week
have been declared disgusting

inedible.

My parents made grilled chicken the first week he kids were here and she wouldn't eat a bite of it - -which I assumed was because it still had meet texture

but apparently she's some sort of vegetarian that only eats breaded animals -- failing to bread animals and fry them in deep fat is inhumane

they wanted the popcorn chicken at the store - -and I didn't buy it because I figured it would go uneaten

well -because it's the other kinds of nuggets they were declared horrible
and FL ate only fries

I told her she needed to eat one nugget

and you would have thought that I was ruining her life.

she broke it into pieces and moved it around her plate

not a chance little one

she put it in her mouth and then spit it out

nice try

she whined that she can't put it back in her mouth -- that it was disgusting

here's a fresh one sweetie

she hid it under some fries

and finally

after chewing it up
then pretending that she was choking to spitting out a chewed up nugget on her plate

I declared dinner time over -- with the caveat that there are no snacks - and this was the last of the food before bed

and called it a night

before I got out the wire hangers

oh - um -- punishment?

So after I posted  my last entry - -and I chatted with Sir P about the not blogging thing

I was informed that he had settled on my punishment

he had told me earlier today that my punishment was under review
but if I'm honest

I wasn't sure I was going to get one at all

I spent about 20 minutes crying this morning
and received absolution

and I asked to table the talk about it during the day - -so I could pull my shit together and be in mom-mode

and

I wondered if he would
or if he decided that I was remorseful enough

we had discussed punishment in the past
and had considered if it was even possible long distance

after all - some punishments do more harm than good

right?

for example - if he gave me the silent treatment?

that's just going to make me more distant and disconnected
it might make me fail to tell him things in the future

but

here I am

faced with a punishment to do tonight

and no - I'm not stalling - but I am waiting to make sure that the little ears have gone to sleep before I get after it.

I am to take 3 photos

one of my breasts in the mirror - no bra - -tank or tshirt

one without the tshirt
and one - with clothespins on my nipples

which I am to wear while kneeling for as long as they can be withstood -- but no less than 5 minutes.

none of which is easy for me
and none of which falls under enjoyable for me

and

let's face it

the punishment fits the crime

and I seriously doubt my mind will wander during my time on my knees.

additionally - this is a mandatory masturbation night (which I don't think he realizes) -- so God willing I am back on track.

as I write this

I realize I sound as if I'm resenting it

and I'm not

I'm sort of glad.

it's a way to demonstrate that I'm in
that I'm going to work on this
and

it's not something I would want to do again

not this
and not the awful feeling of disappointing him
when in the past I've only made him proud

but - a way to get myself refocused?

that's a good thing

and I'm ready for that

by the time this posts -- it will all be in the past
and it will be a new day

Leaving stuff out

I had something I thought I had to write about tonight
but

since I confessed it to Sir P

and we dealt with it

we've sort of decided that we don't really have to do it here again

which is sort of interesting

because this has been where I've sort of gotten my absolution on some things in the past.

this has been where I've gone to hear that I should cut myself some slack
that anyone would feel that way

and

after my confession to Sir P

I don't need to do it here

in fact

I don't want to

I was very upset with myself
I disappointed Sir P
and we talked it out

and

I don't need or want to do it again

so

it ends up that I'm censoring my blog after all

lol

only not from him

from you guys

well

just a bit

and you'll have to get over it.

War

The girls and I had a war last night

it was as much my fault as theirs

every night we battle the same battle

I want the girls to change into PJs

they want to mess around doing anything but getting dressed for bed.

and I have to ask

again
and
again
and
again

and tonight

well - patience was thin

I was tired tired tired
and

when after I asked AGAIN for them to get changed
and KittyKat came in looking for some tape

I told her NO -- GO GET CHANGED

which made her burst into tears.

She wanted tape for her photo frame
and
well - it was a rough day for them

KK ran to her room and slammed the door
Foxy Loxy ran to her room as well.

I let the dust settle

then went in to see FL

who was hiding under the covers
I made her get up and brush her teeth

then asked if she wanted a story
she did
but wanted it while she had the covers over her head

no dice

you can have one -- or the other

"I'm not mad at you - -but I'm not reading to you if you're not paying attention"

she opted for the story -- and we had a nice story time

before we finished KK wanted her story - -and I promised to come in as soon as I was done with the Diary of the Wimpy kid chapter with FL.

KK is reading a Junie B book - -well - I'm reading it - I make Junie B sound like one of my inbred country cousins - which amuses both of us - we read about that -- and fussed a bit.

finally - way later than it should have been

everyone was asleep

we are all over tired
the early morning expedition I had planned I have cancelled -- sleep is what we need.

period

hopefully when this posts -- we'll be riding our bikes somewhere -- or at the movies -- doing something fun.

but right now?  I need to get on my knees (writing this at 10:41pm) and get on with my assignments before I miss my bedtime too

sfp

To blog or not to blog

Sir P and I had a discussion about the blog

about whether it's a problem that he reads

and offering to stop reading if his reading would change what I wrote here

make me less open
less willing to be me

knowing that the blog is as much a part of my journey
a catalyst to my journey

as anything else

I do think that if I had not found blogging that I wouldn't have gone out to find another Dom when Mr. C and I broke up

I wouldn't have been as curious about other things

and

well -- I would be a different person

I might still be very conflicted about what we do
I might think that it was aberrant behavior
something to be shunned

I might have broken up with Mr. C sooner

then again

blogging became a bit of a problem for us -- his seeing where my head was became a problem.

Sir P knows all of this

he knows all
he reads all

it's sort of like dating a psychic - -since he's read so much of my inner thoughts on a wide variety of topics (I wonder what he makes of all the fucked up dreams)

and we discussed today
if I thought it would be a problem.

but

Sir P and I -- are different

what would I hide from him?

He's read about the horrible dates
the mistakes I've made

I'm sure that before we became involved there were some face palms over some of my adventures

some tut-tutting perhaps

deservedly so

and

if we were going to be different
if we were going to be real time
if we were going to be physical

maybe I would need a bit of space
but

for us
the intimacy is all in our heads
and if I hide this from him
my thoughts
my worries

the spinning whirring sound that is my thoughts sometimes

I think that we won't have the intimacy we seek

how would I be vulnerable with him

so

I'm going to do it
be me

be ALL of me

and see if he still likes me
if he'll someday love me
just as I am

and
this might be the thing
that helps me
in future relationships
to be me
all the time
be just who I am
all the time

and anyone who doesn't want that
who can't handle it

doesn't get to play

so

I will blog
I will write
I will scribble bad poetry
I will record my strange dreams
and will continue to murder punctuation and capitalization rules
willy nilly

and he will read

Compliments

This week - while meeting with a large group of people from our company
I had a very sweet encounter.

One of the men I work with

who is

well - -he's rarely if ever serious
and
I don't think I've ever heard him pay anyone a sincerely compliment ever

told me

that he was proud to be my friend -- and so proud of me for the work that I'm doing with the girls

and

I was deeply deeply touched by it

normally

well

normally compliments about the fostering don't make me feel that way

it makes me feel one of the following

• Like you're saying my kids are a burden - which makes me want to tell you to fuck off
• Like you're really saying, "you're a nut for doing this -- no normal person would do it"
• Like you're telling me that I'm wonderful - at a time when I feel like a huge imposter  - which makes me feel guilty that I'm not living up to it.

but

he just made me feel that I've been seen as a whole person

because I know he values me as a coworker

as a resource

as a source of comedy and funny come backs on Facebook

but

to have him tell me that he's proud of me

and proud to be my friend

really touched me

and

made me take a minute to be proud of me too.

Sleep and Security

I don't think I've ever valued sleep as much as I do now

between having the babies here
and now with the girls

sleep is in short supply
and high demand

I can see the difference in the girls
when they are lacking even 30 minutes of sleep

this week they are picking at each other
so very much

snapping
and then

crying

and now
that their sleep deficit has grown by about 45 minutes a night
over the past few nights

it's getting worse
and it's starting to affect their ability to self soothe and fall asleep

the same thing happens for me

only
for me it erodes my confidence
and my patience

it makes me doubt myself
and my mission

it makes me doubt my goals

it makes me wonder if what I wanted was really important
if this is all a pipe dream

if I'm just trying to force something to happen that will never really work.

it makes me doubt everything

and it doesn't take all that much of it to do it

I too, lose my ability to self-soothe

as it slips

I even start to doubt that Sir P really wants to be that support for me
I begin to think

that I'm too needy
that I'm not giving him what he needs
that

sigh

that I'm an obligation that he regrets taking on

this is not a good turn of events

because - once I start to go there - then I stop turning to him for support and then I'm slip further into feeling isolated.

slippery slope.

now - before you all chime in - I've already told him this -and he's already reassured -

so why blog about it?

because it's important

this is part of my journey
the learning process

this is part of the growth

for me?  being able to write it all out is part of it
part of putting what's really just exhaustion and frustration and insecurity
in the proper perspective

and being able to come back to it later
and see that this is how I feel

about 10% of the time

and that this 10% doesn't define me
not a bit.

Quiet Time

A quick note to let you all know that I'm perfectly ok

just

going to be too busy to blog for a few days

but I have a few right now

so I want to tell you that

I'm struggling
not to follow direction
not to obey

but my body is struggling to obey

struggling to agree with me

not

not GETTING WITH THE PROGRAM


Sir P is much more patient with me than I am with myself

but isn't that how it always is

we hold ourselves to a higher standard than others hold us


so while I'm making progress with kneeling and getting my head right

I am not making progress with keeping the factory in running order
and

it's just going to have to be ok with me
because all Sir P cares is that I'm trying

in some ways

perhaps the fact that I keep trying is even more important than being successful
because

doing things that are frustrating
that make your want to quit
and still doing them?

that does take an act of will to keep it up
and at this point

I just don't want to disappoint him
but

now that the house is quiet (finally)

it's time to get naked
get on my knees
and

get my mind right

again

taking a knee

I wrote to Sir P about my efforts to incorporate kneeling into the nightly routine

the previous night was difficult
and I was determined to succeed tonight

I had a better night with the girls

and it was warmer in my room
naked it not easy for me to maintain at 67 degrees indoors

yes

I am a fucking baby
deal with it

this is the south

the only time we want it to be 67 degrees is in the summer time when the AC is blowing

I turned on my heater which told me it was 68 and rising
stripped off

and got on my knees

facing west
which for some reason seemed funny to me

it briefly occurred to me that I had my back to Sir P's direction
but imagined him in front of me

on my knees
knees apart
spread to give that open feeling
head up
eyes closed
palms on my thighs

and I breathed in
and out

and felt my heart beat
and as I breathed in
to the rhythm of my heart

I said in my head

He wants me here
He wants me still.

not because he asked me to
but because that was what was in my head

in time
I realized that my feet were falling asleep
so I leaned forward
palms on the floor in front of me
forehead on the carpet

and said the words
slower now
as my heartbeat had grown slower

He wants me here
He wants me still

and then returned to my kneeling position

and ever slower

He wants me here
He wants me still

and when I was my most quiet
I crawled into bed

and started on my next task.

Bad stuff

So today I found out about what type of bad stuff is in the kid's background
and I'm sure there's more that didn't make it into the court documents

actually

I don't really know what all happened because the person who printed the documents didn't have a toner cartridge -- so there were big white stripes on the paperwork.

it was like listening to it on a cell phone that was cutting in and out

but the stuff I did hear
was not good stuff


it is surprising that they haven't been in care before
and I don't think they'll be going home any time soon

there is a greater chance that they'll decide they need to go to another family member
or that they'll decide that the other 2 kids (not in care) need to come into care and they want them all together.

So what does that mean to me

absolutely nothing

ultimately

it doesn't change anything I will do
it doesn't change anything I will tell the girls
it doesn't change how I will feel about them
or plans that I will make

it changes nothing

I've long since decided that I will never give part of my heart to any child
that they get it all
every time

otherwise

what's the point

after all
scarred muscles grow back stronger.
and I have plenty of love to go around.

Another week completed

So we've survived the first 2 weeks -- and other than a few bruises

we are no worse for wear

the girls are settling in
we are getting a routine
and we are becoming a family

Yes -- I dream of the day when I am able to say more to girls than just

flush the toilet
have you brushed your teeth
and no -- it's 31 degrees- -you cannot wear your shorts.

Today we are waiting for the casa worker to come -- she is a volunteer child's advocate - and important part of the process.

in the meantime

Sir P and I are growing closer
he's becoming very important to me
and very important to the balance in this house

even though he's not here

he's someone I've been able to talk to
when the stories from the girls make me want to cry

liar

when the stories from the girls make me cry

when he assigned me masturbation every other night - -and as much more often as I want
I thought

well - I'll do it because he tells me to

I think I thought that a big part of its was just making time for it

but that's not it

it's that the stress and pressure and exhaustion literally SUCK THE SEXUALITY OUT of life

perhaps it's a good way to keep you from having more kids if the ones you have are stressing you out - -by making you have sex less?

so while I am able to perform the act of masturbation

cumming is not necessarily coming easily

I have to approach it from different angles
and sometimes

I have to concede
and move on

until I can perform a sneak attack
and finish my task

because this is a vital part of me
and I don't want to go back to that girl
who never had sex
and thought she didn't care

this girl is a much happier girl.

Stress

Things are insanely stressful at case sfp

If you're friends with me in real life -- you'll notice that you're not hearing much from me

that's because mommy-dom is eating my lunch.

The girls are starting to open up about all that's happened to them
the guilt of having "told" is hard to bear

as well as what it was that they told about

right now -- I'm barely having time to reach out to Sir P

who has more than once put humpty dumpty back together again

things are hard

and

yes

I am up to it

but the level of stress is nearly crushing

It's an hour 1/2 past bedtime and I still don't have everyone asleep
and I'm not sure how long it will take

I need time and space to work things out
but the world doesn't much want to give it to me

there's little time for friends
so I am a bit isolated
which

at the moment is ok
because I don't feel that I can much talk about it

it's a stressful time

what an awesome time for a sugar holiday to rev up the kiddos

like any of us needed that

fuck

I want a magic wand
to freeze everyone in place -

so I can dye my hair
and take a nap
and clean my fucking house

Where's Endora when you need her?

but little by little - we will get there
little by little we will heal
we will get all the bad stuff out
the good will start to feel more real than the bad stuff
in time

trust will grow

wounds will scab over
and
slowly
slowly

things will be better.

Happy Fake Hallmark Holiday to you

(methinks she doth protest too much)

Sir P made fun of me last night
for my comments on Valentine's Day in the past.

But the truth is

I don't love Valentine's Day

it's contrived

if that is the only day you show me that you love me

you can keep it

This attitude by the way has led to

drumroll

a dearth of valentine's cards, flowers and candy

but

not a lack of love.

so instead

Thank you to all of you who show me love and kindness

because you make it Valentines' Day the other 364 days a year.

On my knees

I would like to know how I've been a sub for over 3 years now and can count on one hand how much time I've spent on my knees.

nearly none.

I'm not talking about the time one spends on one's knees because he has a task for you to do that involves being at his feet

but just

on

your

knees


waiting
focusing
being

on

your

knees


Sir P put me on my knees last night

and it was amazing

how quickly the silence fell

and the silence

wasn't like the silence of a quiet house

because I don't recall the ticking of the clock

or

the sound of the dog barking 3 doors down

the silence

was

silent

as I waited

on

my

knees

Sir P wanted me to have a calm place to be
and

I am amazed at it

and by him

tucking me in

Sir P tucked me in last night

he didn't say so -- but he did.

the girls went down easily
and I crawled into bed

to blog a bit - a post that won't see daylight -- it was choppy and not particularly nice
not every post needs an audience.

I was frazzled all day

and Sir P knew it

in fact

I had resorted to eating milano cookies

and I was down to my last one

He called and we spoke of lots of things

in fact

I can't tell you what all we spoke of

it doesn't matter

we talked past the time when I'm supposed to be in bed
(I already was)

and past lights out

and then he settled the covers in next to me
and put me to sleep.

I woke in the middle of the night

worried about a few things

and could still hear his voice in my ears
and while I was up too long
worrying

I settled in
resolved
to let things find their level.

and somehow he tucked me back in again.

You can't always get what you want....

So here I am

happy to have the change in my world
but

it's almost worse than before when I was with M -- because I had gotten used to no D/s

and got some taste of it when I was out dating

it woke me up a bit.

then along comes Sir P

and he understands that I'm floundering and offers to assist me

and

it's not ideal

he doesn't live here
and lives much farther than M
so visits are impractical and not expected

who would come all this way to have 5 hours with their partner

unlikely

but we are growing more and more close

I want to share the ups and downs and the laughter of my days
I want to curl up with him at night

he's a smart
caring
loving Dom

who I won't be able to bullshit
as

he knows me very very well

he knows about the blog
I don't know how much of it he has read
and I've decided that it's immaterial

this is who I am
He'll like it or he won't
this is me

and he likes me
and I  like him

we're working through how things would work for us
and have decided
not to put too many boxes around it

will I want to have sex at some point with someone?
yes

and I'll talk to Sir P about it

will he want to have sex?  Of course -- he's a healthy man with needs - he should

but right now do we want what we have with each other?

yeah

we do

and while - it's not what either of us said we wanted
sometimes

......you get what you need.

On the other side

I think I'm giving you all the impression that things in Casa SFP are awful

they're dark
they're grim

they're deadly serious

ahem

Not even close

so - let's talk about what's been added:

Fart Jokes

yes -- a plethora of fart jokes

Spongebob

healthy snacks

hugs

Junie B stories read out loud

pizza

ranch dressing

giggles

pillow pets

piles of pink clothes

you tube videos

the duck song -- imbedded in my head

and my new name -- Mom

Heartache

FoxyLoxy is having some problems -

she has a  pain near her heart

and when it hits her

she almost doubles over

as if she is being stabbed

of course we went to the doctor
because that's what you do

but I know what it is

it's panic

panic at so much change
anxiety at everything that is different

even the good things

maybe even

especially the good things

Yesterday -- at the grocery store
as we filled the basket with snacks

and she's covered with me saying "yes" to so many things

yes to the juice
yes to the fig cookies
yes to the fruit
and the cheese its
yes to the pretzels

and she's surrounded with change
in her new clothes
and new shoes

in the new store
after leaving the new school
with the new mom

it all becomes too much
and starts to crush her a bit.

it's all too too too much

and it will get better
the doctor taught her how to control her breathing when it happens
to calm herself down

and it will get better for me

for me

there is no crushing pain

there is exhaustion
and difficulty making decisions about other things
non-kid things
as if my brain is on overload

and a bit of forgetfulness
and

Sir P is helping me
by providing a bit of that structure.
too

change is difficult
massive change like this
can be crushing

and cause a bit of heartache

but when it heals
we will be better
and stronger
and happier

for coming through it.

S resurfaces

I got an email from S today

it read - -approximately as follows:

I have very respectfully maintained my distance and even made a point to distance myself from you as I progress here. I'm only breaking the silence to let you know that I have been rather sick with flu, despite my immunizations, I and am recovering only now. It has delayed my trip to (where you live)...... My feelings for you are very strong (and positive) but they are now tempered and under control. I have the focus you demanded of me. Still, I don't like that we aren't talking, I loved it and I miss it. I miss your art and your humor, too. Write here, or my cell...

So -- I have this compulsion to write back

I want to so very much

and I considered what to do

did I want to meet him when he's in town?

I really did like this man very very much

I liked him so very much

and even started to fall for him

and I think I sort of forgot

that he frightened me

that I spent my NYE blocking his number and sniffling at having been mean to him.

or

Did I want to write to him?
to explain that my life has taken a complicated turn

and that I've put myself in the control (to some degree) of another Dom to foster my submission

to explain that my life has taken a complicated turn
and that I've put myself in the control (to some degree) of another Dom to foster my submission

or

did I want to ignore him?

Now - I'm a big girl
I know the right thing to do

but I still struggled with my desire to be a good girl
to make everyone happy with me

I wanted to have him go away
because heaven forbid someone not like me

so

I turned to Sir P
and asked his advice

 knowing full well what he would say
and he didn't tell me what to do
he advised me
and then asked me if I wanted him to make it an order.

and

I don't want it to be an order

because I should just follow his wise counsel (and MY OWN) and not engage this person who frightened me so much just 6 weeks ago

and I don't NEED Sir P to make it an order.

because -- he's RIGHT

He and I discussed it tonight

let's face it

if I knew what he was going to say - why ask it?

because on some level - I needed it to be more than just me saying I couldn't  talk to S
to make it ok

wow

it's really busy in my head y'all - way too busy.

Grounded

The Dom friend, Sir P - has set me up with a few rules

think of them as a way to keep my kite connected to the ground - and out of the trees

I am to go to bed by 10pm - with lights out by 1030 at the latest - barring childhood interruptions

and I am to masturbate with reports -- no less than every other day -- but as much more often as I like.

two simple rules

I asked for them
well - I asked for something akin to them

and he gave them shape

and like magic

I feel grounded
connected

centered

giving someone else control over some things
makes me feel not so very alone

and having something to be successful at
because some days?
getting to bed by 10 might be the one thing I can say I did successfully

I was chatting with Sir P a bit tonight

and I commented that I had actually started to doubt if I was submissive at all

because there are times
many times

when I think

this was all just a phase
and I can do with out it (see post on droughts)

but now
I see

the profound effect
of 2 little rules

and the sigh of relief
as I let out a long held breath

and I can see
that this is who I am
this is what works

and how lucky I am to know who I am

Droughts and Conservation

Plants who live in the desert change

they sometimes even change from one time of year to the next.

During times of plenty - the plant life might spring to life - blooming suddenly-  hurrying to fill it's little bit of time when being nurtured by the rain with as much life as it can

before the drought returns

and the land dies back
and becomes barren again

waiting for the next rain.

during the drought
the desert goes into a type of hibernation
everything sort of shuts down

waiting

waiting

waiting

for the next nurturing rain

I know for some

particularly for many men

going through a long sexual drought does not make them shut down and hibernate
but makes them think about
dream about
crave
lust

for a taste of what their missing
and makes them want to gorge themselves upon it
when they return to it

but for me
and I don't think I'm horribly dissimilar to others of my gender

when I don't nurture my sensuality
my sexuality
my submissive side

it dies back
and nearly disappears from sight

and it takes a bit of doing to bring it back.

In the past few months
I've showered the dessert a bit here and there

just enough

to keep it from dying completely

but
not enough to sustain it

and I fear that this change
this loss of private time
this loss of energy

will kill it back so far that I might forget it exists

my Dom friend
who's been a real balm to me
in this dramatic change

has assigned me
not restriction of masturbation
as others have done
thinking that my wiring is like theirs
and that denial will drive me to the edge

but assigning it
and allowing excessive indulgence

to feed it
by even
stuffing it a bit
not only will the seeds stay alive

but the desert may bloom and thrive
and feed upon itself
and multiply

Encouragement

The theme today was encouragement

I like that word

encourage

you know - we think of it as egging someone on
to move them forward

but really

it means

to instill courage
or build courage in someone else

I'm not going to get out the Funk & Wagners

but that's what the word is meant to mean

today was all about that

I encouraged the girls as we registered them for school
and
encouraged them again as they had their first therapy appointment

later at dinner
I encouraged them to find the good in a rough day

and they rose to the challenge.

I got my encouragement today too
and

want to thank those who reached out
and told me

through comments
and calls

that I can do it
that I have what it takes to do this
and be who I need to be right now.

tonight
the girls has a horrible time sleeping
school starts tomorrow
and they are feeling

discouraged

there's that root word again

while Sunday night they slept alone
tonight
it wasn't enough to curl into bed with each other
I got on the trundle
and rested with them
until they could fall asleep

trying to pour all the comfort
and bravery
and courage

into them that I could.

and I had enough of it

because of those who encouraged me.

Stability

My girls need that more than anything

stability

there is nothing they need more than that.

yes

they need clothes
and baths
and good food

they need friends
and school
and church

they need laughter
and games
and quiet time

they need love

but
first
and foremost

they need stability.

stability is the first ingredient to build -- to rebuild trust

KittyKat slept in her own room last night.
first time ever.
she is much more adaptable than her big sister.
She would have gladly let her sister sleep with her
or crawled into the other room
there would have been no making fun
just doing it

KittyKat is a harder soul


FoxyLoxy had a harder time.
My name was called out
sometimes my own name
sometimes Mom
(I think Mom more because she thinks it pleases me and that will go in her favor - than any motherly feelings this early on)
dozens of time yesterday

She's working out a formula of things that will make me happy
because making me happy will make her life stable

I think she's used to creating an environment where everyone will be happy
so nothing bad will happen

creating her own version of stability

I can see this
because I am the Queen of this

and it will be better in time

we will create the stability.

Last night
she fought sleep very very hard
she was trying to please me by letting KK sleep in her own room
but really just wanted her sister
and could not fall asleep

so we delayed PJs endlessly
and then we bargained for more time
and asked for music
and then a game to make her more tired
and finally
when sleep failed her
came in and gave me the problem.

"nothing is working -- I can't sleep"

I let her sit with me on my bed for a few -- "ok -- do you want me to lie down with you -- or do you want to crawl in with KK?"

oooh - -she wanted KK so bad too.
but wanted her own room
and wanted to make me happy

she allowed for it
and I got down on the foot of the bed -- with an afghan
and 3 minutes later
FL had just enough stability
just enough trust
just enough exhaustion

to fall asleep.

so what about me?
don't I need a dose of that myself?
a touchstone?

well - never you fear
I've got a bit of that myself
someone who's stepped up to check in on me
advise as needed
encourage
and give me a dose of stability too

We may not get everything we want in this house
but we will get what we need most.

On Flirting

I have never been very good at flirting.

I typically can't tell when someone is flirting -- or even openly hitting on me
I'm really pretty clueless about it

perhaps it's been a lack of confidence
or a lack of awareness of my own sexuality.

but

I never get it

I've been flirting shamelessly lately
with someone that I have a horrible crush on

and I've decided that it's really healthy for me right now
to think of myself as a sexual person

and if my horrible crush flirts back
well

that's lovely too.

so

apparently it's leaking out into the rest of my life

I had to take down the nursery to make a bedroom for KittyKat (aka the 9 yr old) which meant getting out the old daybed from storage and putting it up

except that I lost all the hardware
my Dad was irritated with me

but we took the crib screws and figured out that if the screws were the same -- but the threads were wider - it would work

so off to Ace Hardware

where I played helpless female
and

after he made a little joke about -- ok -- but it'll cost you dinner

my response was -- "only dinner?  I would do a lot more than make dinner to fix this problem!"

we had a fun moment

that had us both laughing a blushing a bit

what a nice moment for us both
a bit of harmless flirting
and

I got what I needed as well
and

it's likely that I'll live on flirting for a bit
but

I won't have much time for much else

KittyKat and FoxyLoxy are keeping me hopping!

So- what happens now?

That is the $64,000 question - isn't it?

sometimes life gets in the way

and sometimes that's just lovely

yes

I want to meet that right man
I want someone to share all of this with

I want to have sex
I want to explore my submission and serve my partner

I want love

but this has always been a part of my reality.

that having a family is important to me

so important

that if it means

no man
no sex
no submission

so be it.

of course - -we all know that it isn't that sort of choice

that while I don't think I can "have it all"

I can have a lot of what I want

but it does mean that my racy sex blog will be

less

racy

less

sex

and more just plain blog.

I tell anyone I talk to that this is part of me

and it's one thing to hear it
and another thing to experience it

so some of the men-friends are skedaddling

and some of the readers will too

but never you fear

this sex blog shall have SEX AGAIN!

but not this weekend.

sfp

Funniest moment of the night?

The 9 year old loves Marky Mark.

yeah

you know -- the guy with the Funky Bunch.

apparently she's got a time machine.

Punked - the dating edition

Diego and I scheduled a first meeting at lunch today
we've been chatting for about 6 weeks -- as friends

and tip toed around other things

and decided it was time to meet.

a no pressure sort of meeting
because there's no expectation that we will be anything

or that we will be anything in particular

I sort of think of him as a trainer - more than a Dom
a guide of sort

so
we met at a place near my work

and I would say that the connection is so/so

Not one of those electric connections
but - a nice friendly connection

While we waited for them to bring the check
he went to the bathroom
and

my phone rang

and it was the agency

He came back to me
furiously writing information on a napkin
and jotting him a quick note:

Foster Agency Placement call!!!!

2 Pre-teen girls
being placed today

I asked for some time to think

and it was wild
I'm sure insane for him
to watch the process
of me figuring this out

and deciding
to change my life
in 5 minutes

So - what is simultaneously the best thing and the worst thing that could happen in a first meeting?

a foster placement -- right before your eyes

Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh -- it's one thing to know ti COULD happen
it's another thing to watch it happen.

wild date

and what a wild ride I'm in for!!!

sfp