Sleep and Security

I don't think I've ever valued sleep as much as I do now

between having the babies here
and now with the girls

sleep is in short supply
and high demand

I can see the difference in the girls
when they are lacking even 30 minutes of sleep

this week they are picking at each other
so very much

snapping
and then

crying

and now
that their sleep deficit has grown by about 45 minutes a night
over the past few nights

it's getting worse
and it's starting to affect their ability to self soothe and fall asleep

the same thing happens for me

only
for me it erodes my confidence
and my patience

it makes me doubt myself
and my mission

it makes me doubt my goals

it makes me wonder if what I wanted was really important
if this is all a pipe dream

if I'm just trying to force something to happen that will never really work.

it makes me doubt everything

and it doesn't take all that much of it to do it

I too, lose my ability to self-soothe

as it slips

I even start to doubt that Sir P really wants to be that support for me
I begin to think

that I'm too needy
that I'm not giving him what he needs
that

sigh

that I'm an obligation that he regrets taking on

this is not a good turn of events

because - once I start to go there - then I stop turning to him for support and then I'm slip further into feeling isolated.

slippery slope.

now - before you all chime in - I've already told him this -and he's already reassured -

so why blog about it?

because it's important

this is part of my journey
the learning process

this is part of the growth

for me?  being able to write it all out is part of it
part of putting what's really just exhaustion and frustration and insecurity
in the proper perspective

and being able to come back to it later
and see that this is how I feel

about 10% of the time

and that this 10% doesn't define me
not a bit.