S resurfaces

I got an email from S today

it read - -approximately as follows:

I have very respectfully maintained my distance and even made a point to distance myself from you as I progress here. I'm only breaking the silence to let you know that I have been rather sick with flu, despite my immunizations, I and am recovering only now. It has delayed my trip to (where you live)...... My feelings for you are very strong (and positive) but they are now tempered and under control. I have the focus you demanded of me. Still, I don't like that we aren't talking, I loved it and I miss it. I miss your art and your humor, too. Write here, or my cell...

So -- I have this compulsion to write back

I want to so very much

and I considered what to do

did I want to meet him when he's in town?

I really did like this man very very much

I liked him so very much

and even started to fall for him

and I think I sort of forgot

that he frightened me

that I spent my NYE blocking his number and sniffling at having been mean to him.

or

Did I want to write to him?
to explain that my life has taken a complicated turn

and that I've put myself in the control (to some degree) of another Dom to foster my submission

to explain that my life has taken a complicated turn
and that I've put myself in the control (to some degree) of another Dom to foster my submission

or

did I want to ignore him?

Now - I'm a big girl
I know the right thing to do

but I still struggled with my desire to be a good girl
to make everyone happy with me

I wanted to have him go away
because heaven forbid someone not like me

so

I turned to Sir P
and asked his advice

 knowing full well what he would say
and he didn't tell me what to do
he advised me
and then asked me if I wanted him to make it an order.

and

I don't want it to be an order

because I should just follow his wise counsel (and MY OWN) and not engage this person who frightened me so much just 6 weeks ago

and I don't NEED Sir P to make it an order.

because -- he's RIGHT

He and I discussed it tonight

let's face it

if I knew what he was going to say - why ask it?

because on some level - I needed it to be more than just me saying I couldn't  talk to S
to make it ok

wow

it's really busy in my head y'all - way too busy.