taking a knee

I wrote to Sir P about my efforts to incorporate kneeling into the nightly routine

the previous night was difficult
and I was determined to succeed tonight

I had a better night with the girls

and it was warmer in my room
naked it not easy for me to maintain at 67 degrees indoors

yes

I am a fucking baby
deal with it

this is the south

the only time we want it to be 67 degrees is in the summer time when the AC is blowing

I turned on my heater which told me it was 68 and rising
stripped off

and got on my knees

facing west
which for some reason seemed funny to me

it briefly occurred to me that I had my back to Sir P's direction
but imagined him in front of me

on my knees
knees apart
spread to give that open feeling
head up
eyes closed
palms on my thighs

and I breathed in
and out

and felt my heart beat
and as I breathed in
to the rhythm of my heart

I said in my head

He wants me here
He wants me still.

not because he asked me to
but because that was what was in my head

in time
I realized that my feet were falling asleep
so I leaned forward
palms on the floor in front of me
forehead on the carpet

and said the words
slower now
as my heartbeat had grown slower

He wants me here
He wants me still

and then returned to my kneeling position

and ever slower

He wants me here
He wants me still

and when I was my most quiet
I crawled into bed

and started on my next task.