not next weekend

So -- I am not going to see M next weekend after all
which is hard

but as I pointed out to him a few weeks ago -- it makes more since to switch weekends with his ex so she could have the kiddo on Mother's Day

Is it wrong that I'm pleased that he's more upset about this than I am?

It feels good to know that he wants to see me
that he's feeling the separation too

but I believe that this will all work out
somehow

somehow

somehow

sfp

happiness

The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.
Chuck Palahniuk

Bargaining

May I please have 5 orgasms tonight?

5?

I'm negotiating

don't give away your strategy so soon

lol.....4?

so what I'm hearing is that you can wait until tomorrow

I CAN do what you want me to do -- but I hope you will have mercy

Cum twice doe now


( -- oh -- crap -- what the hell does that mean?  Does he mean that I have to do it right now?  double?  better ask)

Doe?

lol-- mastering texting.....for

****************

last night I reminded him that I still had 3 on the table and maybe I would get them tomorrow

M:  If you wanted 5 you should have asked for 8

Me:  but I didn't want 8.  If I asked for 8 -- and you decided I was negotiating -- you might give me 8 to teach me a lesson....I didn't really want 5 -- but I figured I could stand 5 if I got them.

See -- this is how they train us to think.

mushy

I'm feeling mushy today
and maybe a tiny bit insecure

I feel a strong need to tell him how I feel
and have done so several times today

I keep thinking
that I'm bugging him
and
I have to remind myself

that we're not like the rest of the world
that a little neediness
is part of who we are

that if we weren't attention whores
we would be wired differently

right?

sigh

Another week -- hopefully

I am still waiting

waiting for my placement
and
waiting for the possibility of a visit to M

maybe

we have plans to meet a week from Saturday
but those may change
to the following weekend
due to the dreaded Mother's Day

which will make it 3 months between visits -- too long

too long

If I get my placement
I know I will be too busy
and too happy
to focus for long that we're not going to have our visit

but if he cannot make the visit again
it will be a bitter disappointment

not so much because we can't do it
but because the possible weekends
will be harder and harder to come by

I am feeling too far away from him lately
I need to be drawn in close
taken in hand

I need for the rest of the world to shut out
for just a few hours

our batteries run low

I am able
most of the time
to hang on to the idea that we're in it for the long haul
that someday
somehow

we'll work it all out

but there are times when I cannot see it
that vision is gone completely
that I see that there's a change ahead of us
that we will not survive

there are times when I can almost feel the spark
extinguish

but then he calls
or texts
or makes me laugh
and I remember
that he is continually
faithful to the idea of us
and I come back to us

and my faith is renewed.

Snippet from my morning meeting

You should adopt me -- you're a great cook -- what do you think?

No offense -- but I'm not crazy about a 40 yr old man with a goatee calling me "mommy"

and then his head turned completely red

VICTORY!

I get crap from these guys all the time -- and normally I'm the one who's always turning red in embarrassment.



another one for the "if you only knew" files.

and the waiting continues

I have an update
but the update is that there is more waiting to be done

and you know what

I'm ok with that.

I'll keep doing the business of my life
I have a ton to do at work
and here at home

and I wanted you all to know that I am very happy

I am considering just starting a separate blog that's just mommy stuff -- let me know if you have interest in being invited to it -- as it will be an invite only blog -- and will be strictly vanilla adoptive mom stuff.

off to be domestic!

sfp

My Ex is awesome at being an Ex

He totally is

because he takes the EX part of the EXhusband very seriously

he leaves me
completely
utterly alone

completely

ahhhhhh

M's Ex

sigh

I've worked hard to have empathy for her
I usually try to help him to see the other side
and understand her point of view

but here's what happened yesterday

M was free
he was free when we spoke at 1
just after we hung up
she called and asked if he could take the kiddo for 3 hours
starting at 6
then I called with my plan (see last post) to get together
so he called right back
said that he wasn't as free as he thought
and could we try a babysitter

and she freaked out
and

I get that
because she's very jealous of him
so the answer was no -- they don't have a babysitter that can do it

and then (IMHO) -- she decided to make SURE he didn't get to do his other plans

because not only did she drop the kiddo an hour earlier

but as of midnight last night

had still not picked her up
or called

yeah

7 hours later.

You know
when I got divorced
people would say

"good thing you didn't have kids together"

which made me hurt and angry at the time
because
I tried so hard to have kids
and lost so many pregnancies
that I thought the statement was cruel.

not meant to be cruel of course
but hurtful nonetheless

but you know what?
I'm glad I don't have to deal with sharing a child with the Daddy

and yes
when I adopt -- I'll be on my own raising my kids

but I won't have to argue with anyone about how to raise them
I won't have to fight over anything with the kids
or what weekend

I wouldn't have to struggle with Daddy's rules are different
or "I want to go live with Daddy"

and I won't have a vindictive ex

because my EX
is completely EX

Thank you EX.

(as you can tell -- I didn't get my date last night because she never showed up (BTW  -- no sign that something happened to her -- other than just wanting to prove a point to M -- his line of work means he finds out about those things nearly instantly)

sfp

Meltdown

So M lives near my parents
and I went to my parents to help them with them move this weekend

I was actually in his town on Friday
but I couldn't see him
he was actually working -- literally all night

it would be easier to explain if I could say what he does
but that would out him

the plan was to work at the rental's house and come home on Sunday
but we got it all done today

and I realized I could go home early

so -- messaged him to see if we could get together

he wanted to
but last minute
had agreed to take the kiddo on his off weekend
he had no idea I would be free

and I was just crushed

crushed

I sat on my parent's back porch
filthy from helping them clean out the shed
making clean spots on my face
with tears running down

I cried hard enough that I had to wipe my nose
on my popeye shirt

(like you do)

I actually think he was crying a bit on his side too

and finally
we were able to talk about what I've been so afraid of

that he would get tired of waiting
that never seeing each other would just not be enough
and he would get tired of waiting

I think I still believe that because a big part of Mr. C and I breaking up
was the upcoming massive change in my life
means that no one will want me
once my life changed

that I don't get to have what I want
and my man

and while I'm still a bit afraid of it
sitting on the porch
knowing that he was miserable too

made it better

so I'm back at home
and I feel much better
for getting it out there

and I have a phone date with my man

All that

I have a lot going on

and I am trying to be a lot of people right now

and I don't feel like I'm being any of them very well.

I am overwhelmed with things to do
and have a massive lack of time in which to do them.

so

what to do about it

well

nothing to do

one step at a time

today -- I am being a good daughter
interspersed I will be a good girlfriend
and when I have time I will be a good employee
if needed -- I will but on the best friend hat

Come Monday
I get to find out if I'm going to be putting on the mommy hat
and balance that out with daughter, girlfriend, employee, friend and boss.

shit -- may as well throw sister and blogger in there too

eventually the mommy hat will come
if it's not on Monday -- it will be another day

not knowing is awful.

fortunately
I'm going to be busy with all these fucking hats
so I don't have much time to worry about it.

risk

The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief but the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love  -- Hilary Stanton Zunin

Jealousy vs Envy

I started to write a post about feeling jealous

and then I started to think that "jealous" isn't the right word

I am feeling envious

Envy for the baby that someone I know just had
 -- lol

someone who has just had her 9th birth child (11 kids total for the couple) -- so much a part of the day to day that I don't think I even knew she was pregnant from her FB persona

and Envious that the other adoptive couple (you'll remember her  -- she's the one that said that her home study was "easy") got a placement of an infant last night.

When I looked up Envy vs jealousy -- it was summed up as
Envy being wanting something someone else has
and Jealousy being afraid that someone will take something away from you.

I don't want what they have
I have long believed that wanting what someone else has means taking on all that they have

I don't want crazy-quiver-ful-religious-freak's life with her house swarming with kids and her holier-than-thou attitude

nor do I want to be a foster-mom (they are foster to adopt) and attach to a child that most likely will be returned home again.

and what they have

takes nothing away from me

it risks nothing that I have

so jealousy isn't the right feeling either

so

if the feeling of envy

was fleeting

gone in a moment

so then ---what AM I feeling?

impatience

yeah

impatience.

This is where I want to be

quiet

Parsing the silence
I discover
the creak of my ceiling fan
the coo of a dove
the bathroom clock
tick
tick
ticking
the distant hum
of a leaf blower
I crinkle my toes
to hear my joints pop
and listen
to my thoughts
spin
spin
spinning
tomorrow's dreams

Doctor Who and my ass

I lounging today
I need to tidy up the house a bit
but I'm watching old episodes of Doctor Who

not old old

Can I tell you how much I dislike the episodes with Donna?
seriously

I woud have left her in Pompeii on volcano day for sure

the Amy Pond years are far superior
I mean -- she's no Romanadvoretrelundar-- (and really -- who is?) -- but I like her

yes -- this is how I've wasted my day
um
and a good deal of my life
nurturing my inner geek

but as I sit here --
I just keep thinking about my ass

being full
and his

at times I'm shocked at how long I can feel his hands on me

I want to message him
ask him for me

but really?
do I need more?
do I need more when I can still feel his control
his power?

or shall I just submit
that he will exert control when
and how he will

and that if I dictated his control
It would invalidate it

and just hope that he wants another hit
as much as I do

Fighting

My BFF has a new man
they stayed over last night -- in town for another purpose
silly to get a hotel room
when I have a huge house to share

I made dinner
and
I like this guy

and really thought he was the right person for her

but

he picked up an argument they've been having at dinner
shared it with me

was he trying to get me to agree?

surely not

I would help her bury his body if necessary
I'm hardly the person to get on his side

it was awkward
and embarrassing

she was quiet
and I could feel myself turn quite red
and changed the subject

After they went to bed
I was on the phone with M
talking about it

we're both so private about such things
I couldn't imagine airing a disagreement with him
in public

ever

I could see saying something a bit sharp
and getting a look
and self-correcting

and I wonder if this is part of the whole D/s relationship
that we've established firm rules for our interactions
for our reactions to each other

that makes it easier for us to have avoided such a thing

I cut my talk with M a bit short
since the light in the living room had come on
and the BFF and I sat up

until the wee hours

about the dismantling of her hopes
that this guy was the guy

Pushing

I've been pushing at him in the past few days

as I got to the end of my quarantine
I have started to push
and poke

wanting attention
and control

sometimes I think I want control more than he wants to give it
but
then again -- we both have things that we need more

so it's all in balance

I wanted to play last night
he wasn't having it
even though it was allowed
he was not allowing it

He told me I would cum tomorrow
and I pointed out that it was almost tomorrow

and at midnight
on the dot

he ordered me to cum
glad I was awake for it

it was brutal
no anticipation

I got relief
but no real pleasure from it

this morning
we teased each other via text

he has the little one
so no ability for naughty talk

he had me put in the plug around 10
just to wear

we've not gone here before
just the control
without the sex

and I
well -- I rolled around in it

getting dressed and puttering around the house

answering the door
which was insanely
a door to door cemetery plot salesman

bizarre

about an hour in
I was craving it out
but the phone rang

my family
and I sat and talked
distractedly

at the two hour mark
I wanted it out
I could feel my body push at it
he checked in on me

and as he did
I felt it settle back in

he said

We're "lengthening the leash"

and had me cum

he allowed me to take it out
and I'm left
feeling

used
and controlled

with a sore bottom
and sore abs

and marveling that I keep getting just what I need
when I think I need something else

shopping (adoption post)

Spending some time on my state adoption site today

normally I find nothing there

kiddos that have more needs
than I have capability

tonight

I found some sibs
he's 15
she's 7

and I need to sleep on it

not make a decision because I'm anxious
but because they're right

and I'm trying to "read between the lines"

where -- "lots of energy" means ADHD
and -- "affectionate and attaches easily" means  -- well - it means what it says --  only to an extreme

but I have a quiet weekend planned
I'll sit
and think about it
and
we'll see where I land.

sfp

I need to get laid.

that is all.

dreams

I had a very vivid sex dream last night

sigh

not about M

I rarely have sex dreams that are that specific

mine was more like a lifetime movie that turned XXX early on

I have just today to get through to meet my restrictions

M keeps teasing me
that he won't allow me to cum tomorrow

day 0

and that we'll just go from negative numbers to positive numbers

and keep counting

perhaps I'll get to stay asleep long enough to cum with lifetime movie guy instead

sigh

in the meantime
I'm so incredibly tired of waiting
and waiting

that I'm going to drop by my agency today
to remind them that I'm alive

as I drop off a donation

and hopefully jog them a bit to think of me

gosh -- I wish I could fall back asleep
we were just getting to the good part.

sfp

spoiled spoiled spoiled

I bought a new computer

and I fucking love it.

I hate to mention it to M because I know he's struggling financially right now
and I'm just in a different place in my life.

my old computer....

well -- I loved it when I bought it

but then I got up while carrying it -- jammed my toe
and it went flying into the wall

the case was cracked
and ever since it made a horrible squeal when I closed the top
and the case was broken
and had to be snapped back together.

and then the battery died
so the only way to operate it was to keep it plugged in
and it roasted my lap

yeah

I've grown to hate it

so now?

I've gone mac

yes Jz

finally

I've gone to the dark side

sigh

I'm never going to get any sleep

(and it's so wrong that I'm so happy)

Dream - but not a weird one

I dreamt about M last night

I never dream about M

I was getting ready for school
and he came by to say hello

and I discovered that he was going to cut
and I wanted to cut school too
but he would not let me

I told him that I would buy us a pizza for lunch and we could hang out
and he told me I could order the pizza and have it delivered to him
so he could still have pizza
but I needed to go to school

sigh

I wait

I pause
turn the page
look at the clock

stir the pot
walk the hall
turn in my sleep

channel surf
pull weeds
tidy up

take out the trash
file records
turn on the fan

I wait

And now we return to our regularly scheduled programming

Yes -- I'm political.

normally not here
normally on my personal blog
but the inability to talk about work sometimes brings my vanilla life over here.

I have 7 1/2 more days to go until my quarantine is over

and soon a household of family for the holiday

what is it about being told you cannot do something
to make you want to do it even more

strangely

I don't feel that way when M tells me not to do something
at least not quite the same way

I do crave it
but not more and more and more

don't get me wrong
I would not disobey my doctor
and even more
M would not allow me to disobey my doctor

but I find that I am thinking about it
nearly every free moment

and I have no idea when I will be free

7 1/2 more days?

maybe
maybe

and I'll be counting them away.

Responding (political post) -- Part 3

A few days ago - Squood commented:

 No way should the government be telling a private company that it will be
 covered in their policy. Birth control is already available at health
 departments around this country. Besides, only one ever got pregnant using
 abstinence in the entire history of humans. For us mere morals, it works
 every time it has been tried.
 Sqoodd

I've been working on responded to this statement


Besides, only one ever got pregnant using  abstinence in the entire history of humans. For us mere morals, it works  every time it has been tried.

So I would like to talk about sex

yes -- FINALLY -- some sex on the sex blog.

why is sex important?

what does sex do for us -- sociologically

sex bonds people together.
it forms a connection between a couple.

to say that people who cannot afford birth control should abstain isn't reasonable.

the poor are human beings
they have needs
needs for social support
needs to build a family
to pair bond
to connect with another person

sociologically -- sex is part of the reason that your partner stays with you - it is designed to protect the woman and children from abandonment -- to help provide

telling the poor that they should not have sex
is short sighted
it's an imbecilic response

it's not rational.

our poor are under-educated
they often come from broken families
they often come from mothers who were children themselves

making poverty
not an individual problem
but a hereditary curse

I want to live in a world where we provide every person with the opportunity to succeed
to not be trapped
as their mothers
and their mother's mothers were trapped.

yes

I am an idealist

but I am also working for a better world

and I refuse to stand by and idly watch
while conservative lawmakers who have pandered to religious extremists
ruin our fine country

and drag me and every one  of my sisters
back into the dark ages.

Responding (political post) -- Part 2

Yesterday Sqoodd wrote

No way should the government be telling a private company that it will becovered in their policy. Birth control is already available at healthdepartments around this country. Besides, only one ever got pregnant usingabstinence in the entire history of humans. For us mere morals, it worksevery time it has been tried.Sqoodd

and I responded to the first part -- now for part 2

Birth control is already available at health departments around this country

hmm

is it?

in my fine state the misogynistic lawmakers have managed to defund Planned Parenthood  -- at least with state funds.  They will no longer allow any agency that also provides abortion with any funds at all.

So -- this limits choices for women to have access to birth control -- and other vital services.

Let's go back to the example I posted a few days ago

she's part of the working poor.
she makes too much money for state aid
and not enough to be able to afford her employer provided insurance and to feed her kids and take care of the one one the way.

so she would need to pay some part of her birthcontrol.

I used BC for a great many years
and I never ever got it for free

not even when I was part of the working poor myself.

I always had to pay for them
and they were not cheap.

so -- she could go to a clinic.

If she lives in a busy city like mine
she might be able to go
but she might also have to wait weeks for an appointment
and then wait hours and hours to see a nurse to get an exam

if she lives in a rural area she might not have access to public transportation
so she might not be able to get to the clinic
or might not be able to get there often enough to take the pills all the time

even then -- she might or might not be able to afford the birth control.

and sending someone to the state to get birth control
means

you and I pay for it.
with our tax money

(by the way -- even if I'm morally opposed to something -- my tax money can still be used to pay for it -- isn't that interesting)

here's the thing

if you expect the poor to get their birth control from state funded health facilities
then your people need to stop cutting funding for them.

if you expect the poor to be educated about their birth control choices
then you need to provide better education
in many states they want to limit sex education to abstinence programs
rather than teach girls the proper way to use condoms
that could save their lives

rather than teach them the right way to take the pill

rather than give them options
before they make a foolish mistake
and have the rest of their lives written out for them

part 3 tomorrow.

Responding (political post) -- Part 1

I thought the best way to answer the questions and comments in the pregnancy post -- would be to answer it more publicly as part of the blog.

If I'm honest -- my initial reaction was to be a bit pissed.
it's unusual for me to get anyone with a conservative bent who comments on my blog
either blog

and it's not really the place for it

afterall -- I'm an openly liberal writer of a kinky sex blog -- people don't get on their high horse here very often.

But I thought it would be best to address of the of the issues -- and it may take more than one post to cover it all -- bear with me.

Sqoodd wrote:

No way should the government be telling a private company that it will becovered in their policy. Birth control is already available at healthdepartments around this country. Besides, only one ever got pregnant usingabstinence in the entire history of humans. For us mere morals, it worksevery time it has been tried.Sqoodd

So -- Pt 1

No way should the government tell a private company what they will cover in their policy.

hmm -- really?

We tell companies what to pay for all the time.
We force companies to pay Social Security on your behalf  (not just what you pay) as well as a variety of taxes.
Many state governments require employers to purchase (or opt in) to workers compensation insurance.

Additionally -- companies and individuals are required to carry insurance on their cars
why do we do that?

it protects others.

so -- what happens when people don't have medical insurance

lots of things

1 -- they still get sick -- in fact -- they get sicker than people who carry insurance -- because they neglect preventative care.
2 -- they still get pregnant -- in fact -- the children that they have are sicker (and also don't have insurance) because of a lack of prenatal care
3 -- they still go to the doctor -- but they can't pay for it.  If they are eligible for public aid -- then the government (which means you and I) will pay for it.....but if they are not eligible for public aid -- then the hospital has to absorb that cost -- which raises the costs for the paying customers  -- guess who that is -- yup -- YOU and ME

and in reality -- NOT just you and me -- companies.

Companies then pay a higher rate of insurance due to increased costs -- and they also pay more because more and more companies are self insured.

you argue that companies should not have to pay for care that they disagree with.

what about HIV treatment?
should they have to pay for that?
aferall -- isn't AIDS God's just punishment for their dissolute lifestyle?
should we not just let them die before they pervert more people?

should they be able to dictate HIV treatment?
should they be able to force me to prove the reason why I need birth control to my employer (which AZ proposes) therefore violating my HIPAA rights to privacy? -- not to mention putting me at risk for discrimination (for which I am protected under GINA laws.

There are some things that we are all required to do to protect the community
to protect the greater good.

I believe we have a moral obligation to protect families
from unwanted pregnancies
from unnecessary poverty
from unwarranted stresses that increase domestic violence.

I believe in access to birth control
I believe in access to sex education
I believe in access to family planning up to and including abortion
I believe in supporting families under stress
I believe in protecting children

and I believe that the companies that benefit from our great society
that have grown prosperous
that have made the men and women who run them rich
have an obligation to protect that society

More on the rest of the statement tomorrow
and at some point -- there will be some more sex in my sex blog
10 more days of quarantine to go.

Waiting for a happy pregnancy

I've been at my work for a number of years now
the people who work at my job are hard working

they make a decent living
but not an awesome one

since I've been there
no fewer than 7 women have told me that they were pregnant

and I"m still waiting
for one
who's happy about it.

One of them works at night
I know she has to leave her two kids at home alone
night after night

and now
a baby on the way

what will she do?

how will she feed it?
clothe it?
diaper it?

how will she work?

she has no insurance
she cannot afford it
she makes too much to be eligible for all the aid that's possible
some yes
but not all

not enough for daycare
that's for sure

and I see how 400,000 kids end up in foster care

and yes
there are ways to avoid a pregnancy
but those take money too

and the cooperation of your man

this on the heels of an argument on FB last week with an old friend
about the law in OK that requires welfare recipients to pay for their own drug tests

she's so self righteous about it

"I had to take a drug test - why not them?"

"did you have to pay for it?" -- of course not

and what happens to her kids?
let's say that she IS a drug addict
should her kids go hungry?

should more kids be in an already burdened foster care system?

there are no easy answers.

and I don't have answers
for anyone
certainly not
for the woman today
who told me that she's pregnant

again

with yet another baby she can't afford.

so -- come November
after Romney and whoever have stopped talking about how much they hate me
and you
and want to limit your choices
and cut care to women and children
and end support to Planned Parenthood

remember
the war on women this spring

remember that these could be your sisters
your wives
your daughters

this could be you.

secretly wishing you weren't pregnant
and not having any power to change it.

Parents

My parents have been here all week

house shopping

squeeeeee!

they found one that's a few blocks away

I know many of you would cringe
worse than cringe to have family so close

but not me

I adore them

they are wonderful
kind
loving people

I am by far the meanest of our little clan
by far

although that's a little bit like being the sluttiest nun
(aka -- not all that mean at all)

they are so excited to be grandparents.
and I'm so excited to make them grandparents

and I'm sure that from time to time we will wear on each other's nerves

but mostly

this is one of the things that will make me happiest in this new life

because I love them dearly
and having them close
will make my life much more full

(day 11)

Day 12

So

no sex for 14 days
Today is day 12

I'm not sure I would mind so much if I had gotten the job done
but NoooooOOOOoooooOOO

of course
when you can't do anything
you want to even more

I was on the phone with M last night
and I told him

12 more days

he said,

"oh -- you think so?"

and we laughed

"you would make me wait longer?"

"we'll see -- you keep counting"

I do want to play with my man
so very much

I'm thinking that I want to read him a story
one that embarrasses me a lot
and turns me on quite a bit
as a gift

just because I'm quarantined doesn't mean he is.