Meltdown

So M lives near my parents
and I went to my parents to help them with them move this weekend

I was actually in his town on Friday
but I couldn't see him
he was actually working -- literally all night

it would be easier to explain if I could say what he does
but that would out him

the plan was to work at the rental's house and come home on Sunday
but we got it all done today

and I realized I could go home early

so -- messaged him to see if we could get together

he wanted to
but last minute
had agreed to take the kiddo on his off weekend
he had no idea I would be free

and I was just crushed

crushed

I sat on my parent's back porch
filthy from helping them clean out the shed
making clean spots on my face
with tears running down

I cried hard enough that I had to wipe my nose
on my popeye shirt

(like you do)

I actually think he was crying a bit on his side too

and finally
we were able to talk about what I've been so afraid of

that he would get tired of waiting
that never seeing each other would just not be enough
and he would get tired of waiting

I think I still believe that because a big part of Mr. C and I breaking up
was the upcoming massive change in my life
means that no one will want me
once my life changed

that I don't get to have what I want
and my man

and while I'm still a bit afraid of it
sitting on the porch
knowing that he was miserable too

made it better

so I'm back at home
and I feel much better
for getting it out there

and I have a phone date with my man