What's next

So today I read the little one's file -- and found nothing new

and discovered that the foster parents endorsed me

and made some plans

including - seeing if the foster parents will allow us to take her next weekend to allow the girls to get used to the idea of having a little one here

and we'll work on making the transition happen as soon as possible.

because the sooner the better is my new thought

If they terminate rights -- I have to have her in my house for 6 months before I can finalize -- and the sooner that 6 month count starts the better.

I had a long talk with my director today

and I sort of like the idea of her current parents being a part of her world
and her current sibs

cousins of a sort

and why not

she wouldn't have cousins otherwise

and what a nice thought that is.

more to come
but

in spite of having a 2nd night with the puke-twins

things are looking up

My day

At 11, I got to the restaurant - the foster parents had agreed to lunch but nothing more
and I received a text that they would be 30 minutes late

I sent a text to my good friend that read, "torture - they are going to be 30 minutes late"

which I accidentally sent to them

(facepalm)

but that really broke the ice for us -- as they thought it was sweet.

at 1 - we agreed that I would come over to play with her for a bit but that keeping her overnight was out of the question

and it took until 530 for them to decide I should take her home for the night to spend some time

she's here now

and

she's lovely

she still has those rolls of baby fat as she's not walking yet
and she babbles and blows raspberries at me
she has fine blonde curls and pale blue eyes

and right now is exploring the portable crib
and talking to me

How is it possible that anyone would have this precious angel in their home and not want to adopt her?
how is it possible?

the truth is that this couple got so lucky that they got 3 infants
and are adopting 2

they've had no kids pulled out of the home with little or no notice
they've had an avalanche of luck

and maybe maybe maybe
this is just the break I needed

and

it will be hard with the other girls
but

I will make it work
my hope is renewed.

Meeting her tomorrow.

all I know
is that she's 10 months old
with blond hair
and that cps wants her to go for adoption
and

that I'm meeting her at 11 tomorrow.

Everything happens for a reason

People love to tell you that -- don't they?

that everything happens for a reason

and

we always want to assume that the REASON is something positive
something good

that it's fated

but

has it not occurred to us that if there is a REASON that it doesn't necessarily follow that the reason is going to be something positive?

just some thoughts

because

fuck me

my belief that FATE IS BULLSHIT is being tested mightily

every time I start to give up on my agency
something pulls me back in

and

now that I've had this experience with KK & FL
I've received a possible offer of a kiddo that could be THE ONE

although

it would mean adding to my family while the girls are still here

big fucking decision here.

so

how do I say "no" to a healthy
1 year old girl?

that is here NOW

the answer is I don't think I can say "no" to that

no matter the cost

it feels like FATE

it feel that everything has happened for a reason
in fact

maybe they're thinking of me because I'm on their  mind with the debacle with the girls
maybe that's why I get first dibs
maybe she's fated to be mine

or maybe

FATE's a bitch who just likes fucking with us for her own entertainment.

Moments of peace

It's late
I should be in bed
but I'm enjoying some quiet

the girls are asleep
at least I think they are
the house is (mostly) clean

we had a pretty good day
although KK ended on yellow
and FL managed to stay on Green

and
the anguish
of the past few weeks has faded a bit
not because of anything in particular

perhaps just because no one can sustain that much stress for so long.

and perhaps because I stood up for myself and told the case manager that I wasn't going to participate in another walk though

I just said

"no, I'm not going to do that - and I'll get done what I get done"

so I'm enjoying a bit of peace
and thinking of the future

thinking of new plans

thinking of the kiddo coming home from college for a few days
thinking of Pisa and Rome and Naples

practicing my italian

thinking of at some point in time of getting laid again

and maybe even finding a bit of love

yes

setting limits
and
making plans
and looking forward

all good things
that help to bring moments of peace.

I care deeply, I don't give a fuck

Imagine me pulling off petals of a daisy

I alternately care a huge amount about my state inspection on Thursday

and want to tell them all to go take a flying fuck

it's an interesting thing

I guess it's part of being a people pleaser - I want them to like me -- accept me -- endorse me
but

I also want them to get the fuck away from me

so

I've twisted myself in knots

because I resent doing the stuff I need to do
but I also feel a burning desire to do it

it's only a few more days

the cunt case manager has drummed up a reason to come by tomorrow after work to "drop off" something so essential that I've never even heard of it before

it's really an excuse to look around my place again
which

she's really not welcome to do

and it means that I may have to be openly rude to her
which I mostly avoid

mostly

and

I've managed to worry myself into gastric distress

sigh

in the meantime
my ear worm italian CDs came in -- so this is playing in the background

Retreat

I am boring myself with my own unhappiness lately

seriously

boring myself silly

I have retreated dramatically on all fronts

I tried to go out to an event on Saturday
but left after about 20 minutes

my heart wasn't in it

the leader of this group is a the sweetest kindest Dom
he gave me a hug and a shoulder the lean on
but frankly
that sort of thing makes me lonelier than ever
because it emphasized what I do not have

yes

I could go get my ass spanked
or have an empty encounter

but that's not what I want

and I am far away from the one or ones I would want
so I have retreated a bit there too

I should have been industrious this weekend
and gotten a great many things done

but instead

I fantasized about my vacation
and
focused on the crash course in Italian I'm giving myself

(I have 1 semester of Italian and about 8 years of Spanish - -so this isn't as impossible as it sounds - I can learn a huge amount of Italian in a month)

what I want right now is a big warm lap
to curl up on

I need someone to spoon around me
and let me fall asleep

I don't need that spanking I thought I needed
or to be fucked
I need
to be tucked in
and taken care of

Vorrei che qualcuno mi ami

but instead
I will put myself to bed
and call it a night.

The one where SFP throws her case manager out of her house

I'm being inspected by the state next week

for

a job I don't even fucking want to have any more

and

have I mentioned what a cunt I think my case manager is?

ok

that's mean

she's not a cunt

she's a child
and she's condecending
and
irritating

I dislike her intensely

she lectures
which

coming from someone not yet 30?
pisses me off

so - she's giving me a pre inspection
and going around telling me all the insane things I need to fix/change/do

and she starts to go through my BEDROOM
which is not a child care area
and I made it clear that she may NOT go through my private things

her assertion that the state will?

doesn't mean a fucking thing to me
YOU, cunt -- are not going to go through MY shit and judge me

hit the bricks sister.

Her original plan was to stay with me until the girls got home
I made clear that there was a starbucks about a mile away with wifi

yeah

I have been flinging the cheese again.

**********

later on -- after the girls were coached on following directions
KK had a complete meltdown at my house and not only is on red - but lost her iPod for a week.
they're going to respite again

for everyone's sake.

*********

also

right now?
I think it's Paris and Rome

but we'll see.

If the BFF can't come?
I may just get a eurail pass and see what sort of trouble I can get myself into

just me
a small bag
and my laptop

could be fun.

Any suggestions?

So the BFF and I are trying to figure out where to go and what to do

and it got me thinking?

If you could go anywhere in Europe for a week - where would you go?  what would you do?

Our ideal scenario would be to have a central spot and do day trips from there and avoid the "ifitstuesdaythismustbebelgium" thing that Americans tend to do

so

what do you guys suggest?

(I'm bilingual in Spanish - and can only order a Ham Sandwich in German and can only say that I don't speak Italian well - in Italian....come to think of it, my french is limited to "where is"  - and can insert the name of a place -- but I am unable to understand the directions)

help us plan our adventure?

Looking ahead

I have given notice to the agency for the girls to move to a home that can better support their needs and am awaiting word on what will happen.  They have up to 30 days to make a change

so

I'm looking ahead at what I should do

I will be taking a break from fostering

I may also

go get that dog I've been dreaming of
go on vacation with my BFF (we're thinking about 10 days in Europe and are trying to decide where)

and

changing the direction I'm going on the adoption front

many many thoughts on all of this

well

right now

mostly thinking about sunny Spain....

Quiet time

So

I don't have much to write about these days

I feel sort of obliged to write something
but I'm exhausted by writing what I have been

and

there's nothing else I want to talk about

So

I'm going to tell you
that you don't need to worry about me

Sir P is looking out for me
he is advising me
and

I am making good smart decisions for myself

I am exhausted
and frustrated
but

life carries on

and

at some point I'll have something to write about here again

sfp

Shore Leave

The girls are going to respite for 2 days -- starting in 57 minutes.

and I'm

well

I'm not sure what I'm doing -- but it will be kidless

there will be some laundry and house cleaning

and a dinner with a friend

and

quiet

I may go to a NC-17 movie - -not because I want to -- just because I can.

so there

I wish I could hot a plane and go see Sir P

but short of that?

I'll settle in and watch my own damn TV without my name being bellowed every 5 minutes.

TV nostalgia

KK and I were talking about TV tonight
she wanted to hear about a story from my childhood
about me and TV

and I was explaining about the Addams Family

and all the characters

there was a long explanation about why Wednesday Addams was named Wednesday

and I was unable to successfully explain why it's so funny that her doll's name was Marie Antoinette to a 9 year old.

and then I came out after prayers to play some music on the TV

and frankly wonder why I pay for cable any more

since the girls got here

I hardly watch the thing

which

is so strange

because I swear to God I spent endless hours in front of the TV

and I hardly let the girls watch any at all.

it's like a prison camp here

lol

I watch a bit of Netflix in bed at night

but really?

it's sort of become a really large strange appliance at my house

before the girls got here it was on all the time

now?

meh

in other news

things have been beyond shitty around here
and I don't want to talk about it

suffice it to say that I've come close to quitting

and I don't mean the thought passed casually
but that it was and continues to be weighed carefully

and as my agency tries to talk me off the ledge
(which pisses me off to no end)
I try to figure out what's right for me

because I'm the only one involved in this process who IS worried about me.

Beat down

I'm a bit beaten down lately

exhausted
feeling a bit sick

lost

not feeling like I do anything well

everything is a struggle
a battle

and lonely

not because I'm alone
but

because

I need more than those around me have to give

and

am still needing

a beat down

how strange is that

every once in awhile I look from the outside into our world

and think how strange that is

that I need a beat down
that

I need someone to break down all the walls

and bring me to the basic core of who I am

there's no chance of it any time soon
but

until then

I will fantasize about it
and imagine it

and know

that that's a bit part of what's wrong with me
that I'm out of kilter
and need my beat down

Horribly inappropriate moment # 17

KK shows me in a restaurant today how she pantomimes sucking a lollypop

iiiiiiiiin exactly the same way that teenage boys pantomime giving head

sigh

apparently her big sister played a joke on the 9 year old and I get to explain why it's naughty

her response

"oh - is that why my teacher keeps looking at me over her glasses?"

sigh

Out of Place

You may have noticed the silence over here

things have been bad

throw in the towel bad

worse than I want to talk about

and

today

Sir P

asked me if I was free for a call

and

I told him no

I had a meeting

and

then I went radio silent

and he gently called me out on it

on shutting him out.

I was
I was hurting
I still am a bit

and like I do

I closed ranks
and shut down

I crawled into my hole
and pulled the hole in after me

and his note
reached into that dark hole
and pulled me back out

and as we chatted
I was reminded
that in some ways

I'm still needing
that beating

that I'm out of my place
sometimes so far out of my place
that I can't see it

that I can't find that groove that I fit into so well.

funny

how sometimes I start to think about who I am
and what I need
as luxuries

but they're not

it's a requirement
a need
it sustains

so this girl
is craving
the hand
the belt

and yes Sir P
perhaps even the brush

whatever it takes

to shift me back into place

but for now
it was enough
to be reminded

that I need his help
and it's ok to take it.