Symbols

Symbols are important --

they often small things
but they carry profound meaning

In this case

a wedding ring

M's ring was stolen from his car

and

this little symbol stirred up a pile of trouble.

He filed a report and then called the Ex -- soon to be ex -- whatever she is

this meant to her
that
he's careless with the eternal symbol of their love
it emphasized that he's not wearing it
it hurt her

and then he told me about the fight they had

and this symbol to me meant
that
he's still carrying it around with him

and I had to ask

are you still wearing your ring?
and he said  -- "no -- it's been in my car for ages"

and the fact that he felt he still needed
to call her right away
told me that the symbol
still has it's power

so

in an hour
he managed to upset both his women

and I told him I wasn't upset
and he said, "yes you are"

and I was

Painted Over

Painting over

I have a few pieces that I started years ago -- and never finished

an abstract that I started around the time Hurricane Charlie hit Florida

a portrait I started when I discovered the ex was shtupping his work-wife -- a friend of mine.

they were started and abandoned.

and

when I look at them -- I can feel the pain drip off of them

they represent rotten times in my life

and

for a long time I felt I should keep them -- although they were sent to the Land of Misfit Paintings (adjacent to it's more famous Land of Misfit Toys sister) to be ignored -- because I felt that they represented  -- hmmm -- a period in my life I guess? -- part of my journey?

and I've made a decision about them

they've had their time

they've served their purpose

they'll never be finished

and

they're not good

not good at all

I might be able to write poems in pain - but I only paint well through joy

and it's time to reclaim them

release them from their prison

and let them become what they should be

just as I'm redesigning my life

I can redesign these canvases

besides -- those buggers are pricey!

I'm very happy with this decision -- and as soon as the temperature drops below 100 today -- I'm off to get started

sfp

deflated

Yesterday I read an old slate article about anal sex.

and it irrirtated me

I woke up this morning thinking I would write about it

specifically about how it implies that the only reason anyone would enjoy anal sex is because she had ...wait -- I'll quote it -- here it is...

Here's my guess......Only 6 percent of women who had anal sex in their last encounter did so in isolation. Eighty-six percent also had vaginal sex. Seventy-two percent also received oral sex. Thirty-one percent also had partnered masturbation. And the more sex acts a woman engaged in during the encounter, the more likely she was to report orgasm. These other activities are what gave the women their orgasms. The anal sex just came along for the ride

So why did the inclusion of anal sex bump the orgasm figure up to 94 percent? It didn't. The causality runs the other way. Women who were getting what they wanted were more likely to indulge their partners' wishes. It wasn't the anal sex that caused the orgasms. It was the orgasms that caused the anal sex

This morning I decided to look it back up and write about it -- about how women's sexuality isn't just about pleasing her partner -- that there are a wide variety of things at play -- even that the reason women who had anal sex had more orgasms was that they were simply more open to having them -- since they were more open to having any kind of sex.

and I found this instead -- apparently so many people wrote in with the same issues

he wrote a rebuttal -- lol

so -- happy reading -- it's interesting -- even though it's old.

I'll go find something else to get my dander up.

fine and dandy

So my last post may have led you all to believe that I was cracking up
sitting in a corner

rocking back and forth

perhaps cuddling my woobie

uh

no

not so much

I am woobie free

I'm made of sterner stuff than that

the reality is

that when little things go wrong?

I blow them way out of proportion

way out

So to me - -it was a major melt down

to him

it's

well - -it's a four kleenex patch up job

and he's more right than I am

so -- I'm off to bed -- hopefully to snuggle up to the phone and chat with the man

have a great night

sfp

27th base wasn't all that it was cracked up to be

sometimes things go exactly as planned

and sometimes they go slightly awry

and

that's ok

because things don't have to be perfect all the time

and there's no need to go  into details

I ended up in tears

beyond tears

sobs

I think half because he pushed me farther than he has before
and more than half that my head wasn't in the right place

and the man took good care of me
and cleaned me up

(the fact that he brought 4 kleenex to do an 8 kleenex job was laughable)

I drove home today
and found myself feeling very very down

there is a price to be paid for the high highs --
the downside

silliness really
the drop of adrenaline
and endorphins no doubt

and I'm back to my normal self
tired
bruisy
sated
sore
and off to bed

tomorrow is another day

we'll try 27th base again next time.

18 hours

I'm 18 hours from my third date with M

and as you know

traditionally -- the third date is the date when many couples decide it's time to take the next step

to trust each other

with that special intimacy

yes

most couples round the bases by the third date

um

I think we're sliding into 27th base this weekend

next steps

I'm about to pack the car to take the kiddo to college

and unlike Mick and Molly -- sad to have their empty nest

my nest is going to stay a smidge occupied

because my kiddo came BACK to college

she'll be 6 hours away

instead of 1/2 the planet

yay

we leave in a few -- college gear packed and ready to go

and she's so nervous

only 16
in  big new world

and I'm glad I'm here for her
and wish she were 1 hour instead of 6 away

but so very happy she's here.

who's the bitch now

Push me-Pull you

There's a lot going on right now

and I'm pulled in a lot of directions

I'm still understaffed at work -- with a huge project looming -- yes -- it's not just Christmas the looms -- projects loom too

and I'm off most of this week

and hopefully going to meet with an agency on Tuesday

and the rentals are coming in tomorrow

and the kiddo is back for a week before I haul her off to college

and

I miss the man

who I'm going to see next weekend

after I drive back from college

yes -- I'm pulled and pushed a lot of directions

His response was

Everything begins and ends at my feet.
all those things are important and must be balanced
but without that foundation you have no comfortable place

I didn't respond for a bit -- so this message came

Is that clear for you?

and he's right
because that's one of the reasons I'm crazy about him

because he helps me find balance

and when I'm pushed and pulled -- he's in the middle

a calm center

and I know that I can do it all.

Feeling Bold

I have this giant painting that I've been working on  -- well off and on -- for about 2 years

and frankly?

it's the size

it's 4' by 5'

and this painting has made me it's bitch

I've sent it to the garage until it can come out and be brilliant

it's still recalcitrant

and I know what's been wrong with it

it's that I'm too fucking timid

it's too big

and I don't know how to go big

didn't know how

because something is shifting for me in my work

I'm feeling bold

so -- I'm going to teach this giant motherfucking canvas who's boss

and

in time

it's going to be spectacular

Yes -- I'm feeling bold (here it is -- day 1 of it's transformation -- stay tuned -- around day hmmm 16 -- it should be where it is going to land)

Cunt Cognizant

I have an awareness these past -- shoot -- what has it been?  2 1/2 years?

I have an awareness of my cunt -- my pussy -- that was just missing all the years before

and it's weird to me that I had this equipment

all this time

carrying it around

year after year

mostly unaware of it

I barely even shook hands with it for years and years

and now?

I can barely keep my hands or mind off of it

which is a bit challenging

since M doesn't want me to cum without him

it's not an order

M doesn't issue orders

he just

expects I'm going to do what pleases him

and that should be enough

no rules

just - the risk of disappointing

sigh

so it's just me

waiting

very cognizant

of my cunt.

Judgement

At times I wonder at the judgement of others

the choices they make

I had the opportunity yesterday to catch and correct a moment of bad judgement in one of my peers -- and it was a huge error in judgement.

huge

It involved the decision to call 911 or not

and  -- yes -- it will be a good "teaching moment" blah blah blah

and it will be hard to trust this persons judgement again

I often tell the managers who work for us that when you interact positively and with good judgement with associates and peers -- you earn credits

and when you need things
to communicate things that might be negative
or need them to do something they might not be happy about

you burn those credits up

If you have no credits
you cannot lead.

because no one will follow.

and this makes me think this morning about M
and the credits he's earned with me

so many credits

not just when we've been together
but every day
in messages
and

in unflagging support for my goals

Yesterday - he put before me an image of me
tied
arms apart
feet together
face down on the bed

to be alternately  fucked and beaten
until he has cum three times in my ass

and I sit wondering at the huge quantity of credits
he has earned to allow me to think

"yes"

"I trust him to do what he will - -because he will only do what he wants if it is good for us - and will not harm me"

because I trust his judgement

dullness

Here I am -- nearly a week after my last post

rare for me to go so long between posts

but I find that there's not much to write about these days

I work and work and work
I paint
I spend time with friends

and I talk and talk and talk to my man.

and this week -- the later -- happened a bit less than we both liked

and as he's often said

it's better to want more of each other
than to discover that we've had enough

life is good

and good is

well

at times a bit dull

at least for the reader

not dull for us

we like it.

promises

It was a surreal night

He had promised to take my ass this weekend

he's not a man to break promises

but the timing

was it too soon?

he made sure I brought lube

"in case it's needed"

and decided that when the time was right
it would be right
and I would defer to his judgement

It was a night of firsts

We soiled the beautiful comforter when I came in a gush earlier in the night

but I never expected

after careful lubrication
and probing my ass carefully
calmly

but with no prior discussion
no coaxing
no negotiating

just that calm confidence

he made his way inside me
pushing in the head of his cock
with some resistance
and a reminder to relax

and it felt

it felt strange
and I felt very possessed

and it felt good -- but not in the same way
in a

I don't know

It was it's own unique thing

and he turned me over -- and continued

fucking me
deeply
and I could feel it build

no time to be shocked
as I could feel the tension grow
and I asked to touch myself

and the second I did

I exploded -- in a flood

a porn star type of flood

next time we need a pile of towels
as I soaked the sheet -- the blanket and a sheet beneath that

afterwards
I'll admit
I shed some tears

yes

and he held me for a bit
and didn't make me explain the tears I didn't understand myself

and cuddled me back to myself

Almost

Sin asked me if I liked him in one of the comments....

there was a moment

late into Saturday night
both of us exhausted -- and sore

he had been idly grazing a nipple with his fingers
which surprisingly - he has yet to figure out that the nipples are the keys to the castle

I tell him I could almost come from that alone

and he begins to pinch
and twist

and then gnaw

and I'm so close

I'm whimpering
and right on the edge
and
I beg him to fuck me

and it brings the animal back out in him
the sounds of the wounded prey
begging for release

my legs are scissored open -- so he takes me at this strange angle
leaving me thinking for a fleeting second of the kama sutra

the thought is shoved aside by his growl

and the fact that I'm cumming the second he enters me

and as he drives into me
hands finding my senstive nipples again and again
I find myself lost
tumbling

and I cry out his name
and he demands

"what"
"tell me"

and I realize I'm about to let it out
pour out how I feel
or how I almost feel
that I'm about to tell him
that I love him
or almost love him

and the wrongness of saying it
here
in passion
for the first time
not even quite suire if that's what it is
is like a wake up slap
and I come back

and I say

"don't stop - don't ever stop"

instead

it's too soon
it's too soon to know for sure
that this is what it feels like

it's too soon to declare it
too soon to know if it's infatuation
or passion

or just hope
clinging on to the first thing that feels solid

too soon for him
too soon for me

but yes

Sin, Yes

I like him

yes