Anger

When I was married
I used to fear his anger

I would do anything to avoid it
anything

his anger was a seething monster
that laid in wait
building up his strength

he would hold it in
sometimes for weeks
until the tiniest thing
made him blow up.

perhaps there was some sort of demerit system
that I was never able to understand

left a dish in the sink = 2 demerits
ran out of underwear = 5 demerits
lose the remote control = 10 demerits

it left me walking on egg shells

never able to figure out what I had done
to create such a huge reaction.

in his mind
I'm sure he felt that he had superior self control

since he didn't say anything about all of those other issues

in his mind he was magnanimous
or long suffering
take your pick.

I cycled through periods when I tried to make things perfect
all the time
even if I had to lie
sometimes I found myself lying about things I didn't have to
just out of habit

then I would go through a fuck-it cycle.
where I could care less what he thought
where I understood that he was going to blow up
for something silly anyway
so why try

I've worked hard these past few years
to recover from that time
18 years of it

last night M was angry
no

furious

he had a hideous day at work
and a big fight with the Ex.

and I was proud of myself
because he could vent
and I didn't try to fix it
to make him not-mad

I listened.
I supported
and
recognized

that he needed food
and sleep
and space

not his girl.

it isn't my job to fix it.
to make it better
it's my job to support

and

*lightbulb moment*

it's ok for him to be angry
his anger is helpful
he's

lol

"feeling his feelings"

THIS is what healthy anger looks like in a man

directed where it belongs
out -- not IN

and I think he's an important part in my healing.

Mr. C didn't get angry

ever

he's soooo even keeled
that it's unnatural

he was a calming space

and now
maybe it's time for me to understand
that it's not the end of the world
for a man to get angry

and it's not my job to fix it.