Happy New Year

I'm not sure why I care about New Years

I don't care much about other holidays -- at least not the specific day

I will celebrate Christmas whenever my family and I are able to -- postponing it one year to January 27th  because I was in the hospital on the day of

These days are so arbitrary
chosen because of where they fall in the patterns of the earth revolving around the sun

but New Years has some magic -- doesn't it?

not the silly party new years

but

the day

the new beginning

2012 has been a brutal year
filled with joy and sorrow

of realizing some dreams
and putting away of others

and I am glad to be done with it

to move ahead

2013 will have its challenges

I will have joy
and grief

but I also hope
to find someone to share them with me

to find a man who helps me to grow
and who garners strength and joy from me as well

and it's possible that I've met him already
or that he's around the corner

or that he's in my future beyond this new year

but I believe he is out there

2013 will be a year when I understand my value
when I make good choices
when I take chances and am rewarded for them

it will be a year to remember

this is a grand new beginning
filled with possibilities

and I for one -- will be counting down in joy
to see this new year dawn.

Captain part 2

So

the Captain asked me out for lunch today

(everyone wave- you'll remember that the Captain is one of the readers- - well - not continually - -he did then -- and says he will again)

and lunch was nice

He remembered a shocking number of details about my life
which is very flattering isn't it

to know that someone didn't just hear you but listened?

he ordered for us
like he does

and no - not what I would have ordered
but still quite good

he dispensed some good advice regarding S

(which just gets worse and worse btw)

and when he walked me to my car
I wasn't sure
what his intention was

I will say-- he still pinches just as hard as ever
and he is a wonderfully sexy, attractive man

what was missing this time was the huge dose of fear I had last time

when I met him before
I was trying to figure me out
trying different things
different ideas of submission on for size

and he freaked me out

and

he doesn't freak me out any more

I'll admit -- that part of the attraction before was that heady combination of attraction, dominance and fear

and I'm glad the terror is gone
the attraction and dominance remain

but the terror was counterproductive.

leaving a very delicious
interesting Dom

will there be more?
 -- if he wants to - -if I want to
that all remains to be seen.

stay tuned

The munch that wasn't

So
I got home yesterday

had another long talk with S
which went ok

I was better able to say what I wanted which was -- "I can't sit around and wait for all the "ifs" work out"

So he understands that I'm going to live my life
and when/if he gets here -- we'll see what happens
he took it well.

I headed off to the munch
and

well - it was a colossal fail for me

the space was really small
normally they use some of the outside space
but it's colder here than usual -- so everyone was crammed inside

and there were a lot of everyones there

crammed into what felt like (but what wasn't) a railcar

and I saw a few people I knew
and dispensed some hugs

I spoke to one or two that I've seen at other munches

and then

I decided to say "fuck it"

it was not what I think anyone would have enjoyed unless the room was already filled with their own friends

my nerves jangled
and
I gave myself permission to fail
and left

I considered going to the movies -- decided it was too late and went home

much to the delight of S
who chatted with me
and tucked me in

As for the Captain?
we haven't made our plans yet

he got stuck out of state
and sent me a message
I'm sure we'll schedule our coffee soon
it's a long holiday break

sfp

PS -- just got a message on CM from a guy who I met in person last year -- he blew kisses at me over dinner -- it was bizarre -- I hated it.

The Captain returns?

About 2 years ago -- there was the Captain.

and the Captain was delicious.

He was also
more Dom than I could handle

and

we explored being together
and had a great connection

but he got a promotion that meant lots of travel
and focus on his job
and decided to take a D/s break

and we never got started

We've kept in contact here and there
said hello
Merry Christmas over the past 2 years

but that was it

and I noticed
that he disappeared off Fet for a bit

maybe he found another girl
or maybe he just -- as he said -- had no time

but he's been back on Fet for the past few months
and yesterday

after I finally updated my profile to indicate that I'm looking

I got a message from him

inviting me out for coffee.

Here's a little something I wrote in the blog about him 2 years ago:

he's calm and domly and nice
but direct
and presumptuous -- in a domly way
and
things seemed to fit
but
I spent most of the coffee time - reeling 

We both stopped at the bathroom on the way out of Starbucks and I had a moment of horror when I thought he might come in the potty with me. 

but he went to the men's room - -I went to the ladies room 

on my way out -- he was in the door way -- blocking it - chatting with one of the baristasand he pushed me back a bit -- and fondled me -- while having a casual conversation with the girl - pinching - -very hard -- exploring...the inanity of the conversation with her puntuating the naughtiness of the moment. 

until finally he allowed me to come out.

and there was more -- but it was all about trying to figure out if I was in or out

and ultimately I was in

There's a munch tonight - -He knows I'm going -- and there's a chance he will stop by

and there's a party tomorrow night

ditto

and I want to explore this.

in the meantime -- S and I had to talk about slowing down.  

And I hurt his feelings a bit

I wish he understood that this high level of enthusiasm is what's freaking me out.

I had to make him understand that I'm talking to others

and need to

and that there's too much "if" in our future to do otherwise.

I was emotional yesterday

overly so

the kiddo has gone back to school

and i'm lonely

i miss her.

stay tuned for more adventure

sfp

Sometimes you're Pepe; sometimes you're the cat

S is really smitten

really

really

smitten

and I am too

I'm not quite the cat

but

there's a part of me that's the cat

I've asked S to help us keep one foot on the ground

and he mostly does

but he doesn't want to

he wants to be Pepe

all the way.

So I've been thinking about how much more often -- I've been the one who loved more. I loved Mr. C more -- more than I should have - more than he deserved.  More than evidence dictated that I should. 

and 

I loved M more.  

because as much as I love M -- I have to realize the he doesn't really want me he wants the idea of me -- and to interact with a smart funny loving woman

more

he wants to be the cat -- covered in love that he doesn't have to do anything to receive.

So

at the moment

I am the cat.

Being adored a bit too much.  And it freaks me out a bit.

particularly since I believe that he is holding back so as not to panic me

(which makes me want to giggle - this is S HOLDING BACK?!?!)

or maybe

I can just relax

and enjoy this

allow that someone might just be crazy about me

without being actually crazy

that it's ok to have someone who expresses how he feels openly

and

understand that someone might just love me

because I'm lovable.

B, D & S - no M

I thought it would be good to know who the players are

There's B -- the potential friends with benefits  -- mostly vanilla guy who thinks that he's a Dom - who wants to date me

and fuck me

but not so much on the strings side

He's handsome
and nice
and funny
and successful

and would make an excellent FWB

I like him.

There's D

who I haven't written about

who's light
and fun
and articulate

and not much has happened here
but I like him -- he makes me smile.

and

there's S

still wonderful to me
we're doing those things you're not supposed to do
where you imagine the future together

you play the what if game

He's started calling me "My girl"

and I really can see being his

and I make him lighter and easier
at least so far

He's a good man
and he's smitten with me
and I'm a bit smitten with him

and no

there's no M

and in time

I'm going to have to ok with that.

And then she met S

So

I've met someone

and we'll call him S

I like him

He's smart
I mean -- he's Sheldon Cooper smart

(Aisha - this is from a TV show -- it's not important -- just know that he's really a major brainiac)

and he's a bunch of stuff that I have said that isn't' good for me

He doesn't live here yet
He's married (but she knows and is open - but not into TTWD)
He's (fuck me) a conservative

and I like him

I like him a bit too much

He's a real person
no Nigerian scam artist could have a cover this good
I've googled him and he is who he claims to be

and we talked for hours
HOURS yesterday

(ok -- funny S story -- we were talking from his land line to my cell -- he wanted to call me from his cell phone so he asked if I could text him from my phone to give him the number.  Me:  um -- are you in your office?  Him:  Yes  Me:  where you have paper and writing instruments?  Him:  Yes....oh  God -- Yes!...Geez - I have a PhD -- you would think I could figure that out!)

He's coming to where I live in about 7 weeks
and we've decided to get to know each other between now and then

still date others
but find out if we want to choose each other

and as the day wore on
I more and more wanted to be him

This super smart
nerdy
focused
Domly
man

I want it to be him

As S and I were talking last night I mentioned that I would be closing things off with some of the CM guys today

He felt that it was not the right time to do that

but really?

If I don't have THIS feeling with anyone else
or anything CLOSE to this feeling?

then

I should move on

and I'm not going to shut everyone down -- just the ones that I already know pale in comparison

because I deserve to feel giddy about someone
if it's not S

then someone

we all should have that feeling

sfp

SFP and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Date

so I've been chatting with someone for a bit
and I've liked him

mostly liked him

and really wanted to just put him in the Inbox or the Outbox and be done with it.

He wanted to meet
and even though we sort of skipped the  phone date -- I thought - -why not

we've been chatting a lot for days
let's find out

He asked me to meet him at 300 at the bar and book

and I said I would have a soda - -but I agreed

I ended up on the phone with someone else on my way there -- and he and I are really hitting it off (S)-- more on him later.

I'm almost late to the bar
but realized that I had a message from the date that he was running late

I told him it wasn't a problem and I would just hang out

you know

and look at the books.

He asked me to sit in non-smoking
and I thought

um -- ok

wouldn't the smoke be bad for book sales?
weird

so I finally found the place

At
the
track

and went in to find a seat

in the BOOK (as in BOOKIE) and bar

or bar and book -- whatever

where I'm surrounded by a sea of mostly men -- starting at screens

It's 315

and still no date

330

no date - text message about traffic

340

no date (I'm walking out in 5 minutes)

345 - he arrives

He's older
not just than me
older than his photos

and he swears

constantly
like every fucking sentence is about some asshole giving him shit

sigh

and he's wearing a grey sweater with a V neck and lots of chest hair sticking out.  His grey sweater is covered with pills and has a big pull on one shoulder

he knows everyone at the book and bar
by name
they know him
they know his kids

he tried to hold my hand a bit -- and I pulled it back and we talked about vanilla things for about 45 minutes

and one point he placed a $2 bet and when his horse lost - he threw the paper on the floor

(BTW -- when I was talking to S later he laughed "He littered???? in front of a LIBERAL?!?!?")

so it was a bad date

I could see it
the waitress could see it
the guys betting at the next table could see it
Aliens from space did a facepalm -- THEY could see it

but our friend

mr. bad dater?

must have though it went ok
because

as he walked me to my car
he decided to steal 2nd base

and made a boob grab

****DUUUUUUUDE******* REALLY?

perhaps it was some sort of Hail Mary pass (ok -- I'm sure that's a bad analogy - but it's early - -I don't have my book o sports phrases handy)

but the boob grab?

yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah -- bad move

I backed away
thanked him

and started mentally writing this post.

A guide through the insanity

So I jumped back into the collar me-go-round

and got pelted with the usual suspects

Some of them are easy to wade through

The guys from far away
love them
they tell you that we can make the distance work

been there

done that

we end up in a "Will not-Will to" argument every time.

and the scammers -- I had one who's profile said "military doctor" -- here's how our conversation went:

Him:  I'm in the sandbox right now -- how are things going, little one?
Me:  Fine -- is that a photo of you?
Him:  Yes - that's me.
Me:  You're Lt. Col. Barry Steinberg?
Him:  How do you know my name?
Me:  it's a famous photo.  You're not Dr. Steinberg, who is 10 years older than you and lives in Florida.

I love reporting those guys -- yes -- it costs them all of 10 minutes inconvenience -- but they have to recontact women that they're already trying to scam and start over -- so it's fun.

And I've been it by a plethora of married guys

in the background of all of this

I'm sort of wondering if I don't need to just get my kink on and not jump into anything right away -- that a month or two or search might not kill me

and to that -- we come back to SD and SD's offer to provide some guidance in the process- - a protector of sorts

and I'm thinking about taking him up on that.

You can't go back and read about SD -- he's one of the guys from the blog a few years back that I deleted.  We played once -- and had a great D/s connection

We really weren't a match.

He's offered to provide me some training and guidance -- in a non-sexual way.  Sort of a sub development course.  Not a mentorship -- because mentors don't play -- but a trainer/instructor/advisor role

and I'm considering doing it --

beyond considering -- we are negotiating our contract to do so.

which on one hand seems a bit nuts -- right?  why the hell would I let him do this?  Allow him to assist in contract negotiations -- teach me what (he thinks) a sub should be?

but -- here's the deal

I've been trying for some time to figure out what sort of sub I want to be
and I've discovered -- that I'm trying to be whatever sub the Dom wants me to be
not the sub that I want to be

M and C were low protocol Doms who might honestly have really just more kinky guys who like to occasionally put on their dom hat.

So -- that's what I'm used to

Is that what I want?

I considered going TPE with someone I used to call the Captain - do I want to do something like that?

(shrugs?) -- who knows

but what an interesting thing -- to explore that sub side -- without all the confusing sex stuff....with a man I've been friends with for 2 years.

this would mean putting most of the prospects on hold for a bit
or changing my interactions with them

but it would also mean finding out exactly how much control I'm willing to cede

which is interesting to me.

and BTW -- so far in the contract -- I would be allowed to have my vanilla relationships on the side -- as long as I don't have the D/s stuff without permission.


sfp

A taste of what I'm missing

So

B had some free time tonight and asked if he could see me

we chatted about what that would look like
and I told him he could come over

yes

too soon
unsafe
blah blah blah

I did it.

But I was really firm that I was NOT going to fuck him.

nope

you can put that out of your mind

because I would like to have a bit more time when that happens

and

yes -- he came over
and we messed around

we messed around a lot

and sfp went farther than she intended

but not all the way

it was a bit like high school
well

high school for me

playing those games of conquer and defend in the backseat of my boyfriend's car -- as he sought to take over new territory and I worked to push the invaders back into the agreed upon zones.

He is a nice man
he pushed
I teased
and stopped when I said stop
letting me get my breath back

and just as I thought we were done

he gave me a very nice spanking

not a beating by any means
there were 2 or 3 at the end that were in "beating" zone
but just at the end

and I'm just sore enough to remember it today

to have that ass awareness.

but

as I sit here afterwards

a few O's in my pocket

I can tell you - that he's not the one that I'm looking for
but

he could be fun for a bit

and we'll have to see how he feels about being that guy

until I find what I want

we'll see.

In Dreams

I had a dream last night that I was waiting

waiting for something

I don't know what

a bus maybe?

I knew this morning but that detail has faded.

A man came and sad next to me -- maybe one seat over to wait

and he looked at me and asked if there was any coffee.

I recognized him

He's a man I've seen at the dungeon

I don't know his name

but he's a big bear of a man -- he wears a bowler hat all the time there
and I watched him paddle the bejezus out of a sub that I know through my friend BC

so I hope up to go to the coffeepot
that strangely is just behind where we're waiting at the bus (?) stop

and open the drawer

and the drawer is filled with water
the water sloshes up when I pull it out -- and a bit of it splashes
and there are all sorts of things you find on a coffee counter

stirrers and creamers and sugars -- floating about
and I stir through the water looking for a coffee

and there isn't any.

End dream

So -- those of you who remember sfp dreams -- you know -- where raccoons chase me and giant beavers shoot water at me from their noses

Water
always comes into my dreams when sexuality is high
or
at the front of my mind

Rebound

So -- I'm out there again

and yes -- I know -- I can hear you all tisk tisk tisking -- that it's too soon

and of course it is

I'm in mourning

but

I've been in mourning for longer than you know

and

I am mad at M
and hurting

and also

alone and needy

so -- I've been talking to this wonderful man

and he's unavailable -- married

Dr H asked me today why I choose emotionally unavailable men -- I resisted giving him the finger because He's a big mean Dom too

and he's right

I do

but I wonder if this guy -- we'll call him B -- isn't what I need right now

He's temporary

and delicious

and I won't tell you some of the naughty things he did to me in the parking lot of Starbucks

even if you beg

I wonder if I don't need someone to help me transition

some one unavailable
and sweet
and naughty
but who's really not a Dom

because

I think I could be way to vulnerable right now to get involved with another Dom

for a bit.

food for thought

I need to go finish was B started.

More with Dr H

I saw the wonderful Dr. H again

I wasn't sure what to work on -- I think I assumed I would need some reinforcement of the first visit -- but the reality is

I didn't

so we talked a bit about my goals

and

we ended up talking about how I function in social settings

or more appropriately

How I fail to function in social settings

and we set some goals
and worked on that

I found myself in trance state very quickly
shockingly so

maybe because I had been there before
maybe because I am a believer now
maybe because I'm exhausted

but I felt like I was under in less than a minute

that familiar feeling of being heavy
and relaxed
and safe

deeper than before

afterwards -- I was spacey

I needed my checkbook and dug and dug and dug through my purse unable to find it
to discover it was in my lap

then I wrote the check to the housekeeper instead of him

He visited with me a bit while I put my head back on

I commented that I was horribly sleep deprived -- as little as 4 hours of sleep for about the past 5 days.

and then he did the strangest thing

He put up his hand in front of m -- where I had to look up at his fingers
and moved it towards me
and when he touched my forehead
I was under again

and he have me a relaxation clue to use when I need to fall asleep over the next few days

he repeated it again

putting me back under again

and repeated it

I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it

What an interesting thing this is

and what an intense Dom he would be

fuck me

Too much Dom for this poor sub -- that's for sure

well -- I'm off to replay the tape in my head -- and count back from 10 -- to see if the mojo works.

stay tuned -- dating mayhem ahead....

So-- there's good news -- and there's bad news

Let's take the bad news first.

M and I are on a ross and rachel type break

We're talking -- as we always have
but with no expectation of a visit

He asked to think about this option

but has not responded.

so
I have made the decision for us

it's the only decision to make

and yes

I am sad.

but - there is no remedy where he will not budge

I will mourn this -- but I'll be honest -- being mad at him -- and that makes it easier.

So

for the good news....

the blog's about to get interesting again

stay tuned.

My glass is full

So -- some of you may be wondering how the hypnotherapy is going?

obviously I am under a lot of stress right now
and have honestly spent a lot of time crying over the past week.
and I am not seeing him about making me happy
just managing my reaction to sorrow

I described my grief to Dr H as a glass

a glass that is filled with sorrow

 I put off feeling sad
for a lot of reasons

it's inconvenient
 -- well it is - it often hits me at work and I can't take the time to feel that way

So I pour my sorrow into my glass and wait

but guess what
later?  when I have time?
the sorrow is safe in the glass -- so I don't have to deal with it

it's over there
contained
no problem

and then the next thing happens
and maybe this time -- I don't deal with it
because

it's emotional blackmail
 -- crying is a shitty way to get your way.  My ex would be angry at me for crying -- because he thought it was my way to win.

so I pour that sorrow into the glass as well
and the glass is a bit more full

but it holds it
and later -- when I have time?
the sorrow is safe in the glass and I don't have to deal with it.

and still later
something happens
and this time I don't deal with it because

 -- it's too big.
and too painful

so I put that sorrow into the glass as well
and the glass is full to the top

and I have to carry this glass very very carefully
and tip toe arround it
I make everyone else do it too

because if it sloshes

it will overflow

and of course -- it does get jostled
a lot
and this is when you can ask me anything

and I will burst into tears

and empty a bit of the glass
but never all of it

never ever all of it.

and because I'm ashamed of the tears
I fill the glass up again as fast as I empty it out

so -- what happened during the hypnosis?

I took the time to be sad about all the things that filled the glass
until I emptied it out

since then
I've been working on NOT deferring my sadness
and there's a lot of sadness right now

and I'm not feeling bad
most of the time

for being sad

andI find that I can cry
and I can stop crying

and I can choose to empty the glass
later on
instead of ignoring it

yesterday -- someone asked me about the baby
and I could answer
without my eyes filling up with tears

not because I am not sad
but because I am not overwhelmed by it
this is huge --  just last week
I almost started crying at a company party
when someone mentioned it

this is real progress

today I can read your comments about M and I
without feeling stabbed by them

Dr H asked me while in trance
to empty out my glass
and to wash it out

he asked me what I wanted to fill it with

He suggested joy or peace

but I chose hope

it's interesting to me-- that in a suggestable state -- I rejected his choice
and chose hope

Dr H said that Hope is about the future
and shouldn't I choose something more positive

but he's wrong you know

Hope is about now
filling the glass with hope means that I can drink from that hope
whenever I need it

that it's there for me -- in the good times and the bad

Hope is optimism
Hope is what sustains you
and lifts up others

Joy is not the antidote for sadness
 -- Joy is the absense of sadness -- but does not balance it

Peace is not the antidote either
 -- Peace is acceptance in your heart

But Hope
 - Hope allows you to feel your sadness -- safe in the knowledge that it will pass and better thing will come.

I will fill my glass with hope.

Limbo

We spent the weekend at odds

unable to have a normal conversation

because I wouldn't let us

I think if I allowed it to be so
we would never have resolution

he just wants it all to stop
freeze in place

the truth is

M is exhausted by waiting for a magical moment to happen when the pressure on him will be off

when he will finally be divorced
when he will have enough resources at work
when he will have enough money
when he will have the time to be the dad he wants to be
when he will have a solution for us

but life is funny

because there's never a time when it's easy
never

life is hard
we have to work through it
we have to put what we want on the priority list
and accept that other things will not make the list

and I know some of you must be thinking, "SFP -- step up -- break up with him! -- why are you waiting for him to make a decision!"

because
that's who we are

I have asked to take a break

yeah

like Ross and Rachel
only -- keep what works with us
be friends

and his response was

"I need to think about it. I think it may be the most sensible answer, but I have never intended for us to just go separate ways and not have one another at all so that is not a worry. I love you too."

so

I'm in limbo

for another day

I need to be beaten

I need a beating

not a spanking

a beating

I need to be under his thumb

and beaten past the point of caring

to curl up at his feet
when its all over

and float

I need a beating so badly that I actually in a moment of weakness messaged one of the contenders from a  few years back -- I called him D

no - you can't go back and read about him - he's been deleted.

He was a delicious Dom

who gave me the most intense beating of my life

and treated me rather badly as well (but it's amazing how easily we forget that)

I just sent him a note to say hello

but I knew

it was a fucking booty call

he did not respond (thank God) -- because he is as Sin says, chocolate covered crack

the last thing I need

and I yearn for it

but no beating is in the cards

I am denied

Last night at the kinky christmas party

I met this nice boy at the munch a few weeks ago -- and reached out to him to see if he was going to the fund raiser/christmas party on Friday night

He was excited to go - -but needed a ride -- a great solution for me.  I picked up E and we headed there early.

I volunteered this time

which ended up being a brilliant strategy
at this event -- every can of food your brought gave you a dollar to use in the silent auction -- I was the girl who handed out your dollars

which allowed me to have a safe way to talk to almost everyone in the room.

there was a tiny table in front of me  -- which shielded me a bit

having something to do was very helpful.

and I am beginning to get to know some people
bit by bit

I saw Dr H -- and met his slaves - one of whom I've known for a few years.
and watched him do some very nice rope work

I saw a girl duct taped to the wall -- and then turned into a human christmas tree by using a large amount of green duct tape, tinsel and lights

but what captured my interest most -- was a very intimate scene

with a man with a girl in his lap
she was laying with her head against his shoulder, leaning her face toward his
their eyes fixed on each other
her weight on one hip - putting his hand in perfect spanking position
as he spanked her -- sometimes softly
sometimes firmly
and stared into her eyes
murmuring something

It made me wonder

what he was saying to her

so as I walked around and saw one couple
she, naked in a hood with limited sight
and him clothed -- wrestling on a mat
she receiving a sound spanking when pinned which was often.

or duct tape on the wall girl

or the rope bunnies flying

or the woman being beaten with a bundle of reeds wielded by a nice young man who gave me candy when I gave him his dollars

I most wanted to be her.

in his lap
being cared for
in the way we need to be cared for
by her man

so I headed home
winner of the gift certificate for Dr H -- as it was going too low in the auction and better that he get good value for it

and E the winner of an auction that supplied him with many vanilla gifts

I thought

this is not the place for me
I can visit

but this will never be home

but home could
be
sitting in the lap of my man
as he stares into my eyes
and owns me.

What's the what with sfp and M

So by the time this posts

I don't know who we'll be

but right now -- I'm writing this on Wednesday night -- and M and I are just trying to figure it out what we're going to be

Here's what I have asked in a nutshell

to look at the three things we both need

Companionship -- Domination/submission -- Sex/human contact

and to admit

that we're only hitting one of the three

and we ROCK companionship --

If that was all I needed
I would be over the moon

and to be honest

Sex?

doesn't rank all that high for me

yes - yes -- I would like to get laid

but if you offered me vanilla sex -- I would have to pass
I've had all of that I want/need

But the complete truth is that he has stopped Domming and while I've been submitting my ass off -- no one cares

that part of us -- has stalled
I don't know if he doesn't care about being a Dom
or if he just doesn't want to Dom me

but

it's gone

so I've made some suggestions

that range from surrogates -- to releasing me

and yes -- it seems silly to ask for release -- release from what?

but it's important to me

and

at this point -- on wednesday -- we're mulling it over.

I asked for some time to be able to get control of my emotions  -- to not have an orgy of pain over this

get some space

and -- I wait

because while I can live without the sex

can I live without submission

I don't think I can.

A funny thing happened on the way to the hypnotherapist

I had to go to a company event before the appointment with the amazing H.

I sat with my team - but one of my friends came and sat near me -- S and I have been friends -- I helped recruit her to my company

for some time now -- I've sort of suspected that S and her husband might be one of us.

I half expected to see her at a local munch or at the dungeon

but it's not the sort of thing one talks about

you don't just out yourself on the off chance that your suspicion might be right

we were chatting for a bit at the table and I mentioned that M and I are struggling (more on that in the next blog)

and mentioned that M and I might be re-imagining our relationship

she was curious
and I just said something to the effect of "well - I'm pretty liberal about such things-- we'll have to see"

she said she didn't think anyone was more liberal than she was

and I said something like -- "oh - you think so - huh?"

and she gave me a curious look

we went out for coffee afterwards -- and she told her secret

and I told mine

personally--- I think my secret is bigger than hers

but fuck

don't we always think our secrets are bigger and more damaging if we were outed.

I love love loved shocking her

it was fun

and

so now?

I am out

to my first friend

ever

really out

oh-- they're Poly -- and loving it

so S and I are feeling really elated -- to be out

to someone normal

to someone we were already friends with

and it makes all of THIS -- feel that much more normal

and it makes you wonder

how many more of your "vanilla" friends
are really chocolate swirl

Where sfp tries something completely different (pt 3)

So - our hero was there -- in a trance

insanely -- sitting on a sofa in an office
unable/unwiling to move

and digging back through the closet of time

to find out

what

if anything

makes her the way she is

makes her feel like showing emotion is bad
but also
not giving herself permission to properly grieve.

and I found what I think might have been that moment

that first moment

when I decided that sucking it up and being a big girl was more important than feeling my feelings


and through the process

I was asked to think about my grief

the grief that fills me
and has not been ever properly let out

felt

processed

my guilt over the loss of my first pregnancy
and all the ones after that
the loss of loves
moments of betrayal
and moments when I felt I let someone down

and felt them

and cried for them

I sat there
with my hands frozen in place

and cried

not the way I usually cry -- where the tears flow continually -- so hard that I can't catch a breath

but slow
continous tears

I felt them go down my cheeks and gather under my chin

my normal inclination to wipe them away -- suppressed

they gathered on my chin and then dripped onto my chest and between my breasts

and a part of me  -- marveled at it

the freedom of it.

I cried with snot coming out of my nose - but could not -- did not want to stop the work to wipe it until H took mercy and gave me a tissue and permission to move my hand to remedy it.

and as I thought of each of these things

I felt a space open inside me

I felt room -- where before I felt congestion

I felt light

even before he suggested that I would feel a lightness -- I felt light inside

when I was released -- and came back

although it wasn't like I was gone

that's the wrong words

it was more of allowing the world to come back in -- as if everyone else was gone - and I was just deeply focused

I had that light feeling -- you know the one -- after the perfect beating?

a lightness of being

a release

I felt energized
and focused
and strong

I had been crying for an hour it seemed on his couch -- and yet

my tears were gone
and didn't threaten to return

and I felt no shame for them

they were valid
and necessary

I feel for the first time that I might be able to have the kind of control I need -- or at least the start of it - -to have a positive relationship with my emotions

I feel like I could fly.

where sfp tries something completely different (pt 2)

So I called H (the hypnotherapist) and we talked awhile and made an appointment

when I made the appointment to see the therapist - I was FREAKED OUT

but I felt excited and energized as soon as I made the appointment with H

like I was on a grand adventure


Now

a part of me knows that this is a VERY SUBBY thing to do -- right?
trust someone enough to go into a trance

particularly when you don't know anything about this stuff?

a great little hit of power exchange


but

mostly?

I was happy to be trying something -- ANYTHING to make a positive change

even if it failed

so I got to his office -- of course I was early - -because I'm a freak

it's how I roll

and waited

H and I talked for awhile about my goals -- and about how this trance thing works

and I must admit -- I was hopeful -- but skeptical

could I really be hypnotized?

it seemed unlikely

I sort of think of it like keeping tinkerbelle alive -- you have to believe and clap your hands

I was pretty sure that little fairy was doomed

but

what the fuck right?

don't fail for failing to try

so I sat

feet flat on the floor
and eyes on a spot on the wall

hands sort of sideways on my knees

comfortable
and yet
not in a completely natural position

not one that I would maintain for long

and I stared at the wall and listened to him

and I fought the urge to look at him when he spoke

he admonished me and jokingly threatened a beating if I didn't focus on the wall

which made me smile

I do miss Doms

and focused back on the spot I had chosen

my mind eventually turning the word Thanks -- written in scroll work into a nonsensical squiggle

like saying the same word over and over out loud until it becomes just a sound
a visual mantra

I closed my eyes
and just listened

and thought

this isn't going to work

and I listened
and relaxed

and a part of me noted

that I could not move my handa

I knew that I could if I wanted to
if I really wanted to
but I did not want to

and that part of me that was aware - -and taking notes -- saying "veeeeery eeeenteresting" -- picked up her pad and jotted down the observations

and I had to admit

that I was in a trance

and step one was underway

(again -- if you were looking for Chapter 12 -- page down -- it's down there   - -or stay tuned here to find out what happened next because real life is more fun)

Where sfp tries something completely different (pt 1)

I have a lot to blog about

a ton

this week I decided to try something different

really different

I made an appointment with a hypnotherapist.

We'll call him H

(Hi H!!! -- it's even possible he might read this -- as he is one of us)

Why in the world would I choose to do this?
well --

I've been struggling

for a long time

a really long time

with sadness
and grief.

and yes -- those of you who read me may think, "of course you have, sfp -- you've had a rough year -- anyone would be sad"

but I have been beyond sad

and it's not right to call it depression - because it isn't

but rather -- an inability to properly process sadness
feel it

and then move on

it stays with me

there in the background

until the next opportunity to mourn something

and

then it jumps back on the bandwagon

so when I cry

the gang's all here

and I cannot stop

sometimes I cannot stop for days

you'll remember I started seeing a therapist
and
my first visit - I bawled my eyes out

I cried so hard I was incomprehensible.

but the next time -- I was better

and then the next few times after that I was fine

why?

because I wasn't triggered to be sad after that first time

so he suggested that I didn't really need to see him

I guess I wasn't broken enough?
i don't kow

whatever

the facts are - -I was seeing him when everything was great

but as you know
things stopped being great

and got hard

I have been on the verge of tears -- almost every minute of the day since the baby was taken back.

right on the edge

people who try to comfort me have been stabbing me with knives of kindness

when I just want to put up my shield and be left alone

I needed to do something

and then

I went to that class (page down -- read AVK for more about that)

and met H

and thought

maybe THIS is the thing that can help me

and worst case scenario - my pocket is lighter and I can make fun of it on my blog

but instead

I have wonderful things to tell you -- and you'll have to stay tuned to hear them

sfp

(PS - the last chapter of Lorena's story was posted earlier today -- just page down for it -- I hope you enjoyed it -- I know I enjoyed writing it)

Predator - Part 12

Orion guided a quiet Lorena to the car - her steps never faltered she counted on him to lead her safely

or had given up hope of safety

At his car -- he pushed her against his truck --  as he ran his hands over her
His fingers wiped away the traces of tears beneath her closed eyes

He leaned in close to her -- breathing her in and whispered

How much do you want this game to go on?
Will you take the next step?
will you quit on me?

Lorena shook her head "no" not knowing if she meant she didn't want to quit or didn't want to go on

She had almost forgotten it was even possible to end this
to open her eyes and end the game

Orion shocked himself with how much he wanted her - not just to taste her - to fuck her -- but to break her down

To tear off the last of her resistance
and see the slut inside

He was drunk with it

Orion reached into his pocket
and drew out the silk tie he had been fingering all night
dreaming of this moment

Unlatch the door

He felt her body shudder

Unlatch the door, climb up -- and place the blindfold over your eyes little girl

it's time
you're ready
be brave

*******************************
Lorena couldn't believe what was happening
She was there
pushed against his truck
his voice hot in her ears
his hands in her hair

she watched it distantly
through a haze

as she foggily measured the words

In one night
he had twisted her will

she had let him twist her will
and now

she realized she was considering
willingly leaving with her mystery man
who she had never seen
and knew nothing about

more than considering

she yearned for this strange man
burned for him

more than any other man.
She knew
that on the other side of that blindfold
anything could happen

everything would happen
it would be an adventure of a lifetime
she would have every dark fantasy explored
she would have excitement
and the dominance she craved

but she would never know
the rest of her life
who he was

He would haunt her
He would be every man she saw
and no man would hold a candle to him
he would be in her head forever
and she would never be free

and in one moment
she knew
she had to be brave

She turned her head up to him
and opened her eyes.

Predator - part 11

She was relieved to be back in the light again.  She stepped through the door of the dress shop with him right behind holding the door for her.

Her shadow had begun to feel natural to her -- half tormentor and half protector.  His suggestion that she find something sexy to try on led her to the dressing room with a short sexy dress.

Not her style -- but that wasn't really the point, was it?

She was half undressed when her phone chimed

Unlatch the door, face the wall, head down baby

Her head spun
did she really want this?
did she really want to be trapped in this tiny room with him?

a steady throb let her know her body's vote

Yes or No baby?

Her hand reached out and turned the knob
as she slipped the dress on over her head she faced the wall

"Shhhhhhh", He whispered to her - the first sound he had made tonight

"Close your eyes"

His voice was deep -- deeper than she had imagined - -- he warmed the cubicle with his presence.  He touched her hair, brushing a strand back - soothing her.

Orion ran a finger along the edge of her dress -- lifting the bottom up -- caressing her thighs

her panties were soaked
he pushed them aside and rubbed her slit as she rocked back against him

"You were afraid of the dark", he teased her
"Did you think you were safe from my will here in the lights?"

His fingers slipped naturally inside her -- drawn in
She was on fire -- pushing against his hand
burning with shame at her lack of resolve

She whimpered a bit
but kept her eyes closed

"Tell me what you want, little one
Do you want me to release you?
free you?"

"Do you want me to stop?"

"Are you done with our game?
Have you had enough?"

Orion pulled his fingers from her suddenly
Leaving her feeling empty without them

she gave out a soft cry

Lorena kneeled in the horrible dress
eyes closed
shaking.

"Come little one - -let us go home"

He led her from the store - amazed that she let him lead her
her resistance broken
through the darkened lot

back to her car.

Just horrible today

(don't miss chapter 10 -- posted just before this)

ok - I wrote something here
and now I want it gone

I don't want to preserve exactly how I feel right now

I want to put it away

so I'm writing over it

M and I are struggling
and -- we want it to work
but we don't know how

and that's all you need to know

Predator - Part 10

Lorena felt like she had been kneeling forever on the floor.  She pretended to search for something in her bag for an impossible amount of time -- knowing that he was standing -- feet away from her just on the other side of the glass.  She knew nothing of this man who just manhandled her in a shoe store!

Not his height -- his hair color -- not the color of his eyes.  She had not even heard the sound of his voice

and yet

there in the store -- on her knees -- giving anyone outside the wndow a great view of her breasts --
she bent herself to his will.

She silenced the voice in her head that told her she was being a fool and would end up stuffed in his trunk.

and fought the urge to beg him to let her up.

The fact that she could get up and walk away any time she wanted wasn't lost on her.  And yet -- she was held there -- by his will -- by HER will.  They were bound together.

there was no way that she could live the rest of her life without knowing what this felt like -- no way that she would live without knowing if she could do it.  Without knowing what happens next.

Come out of the store -- turn right -- we're going for a walk

she breathed a sigh of relief at his words and felt lighter at being out of the oppressive brightness of the store -- the night was warm and breezy and she walked slowly up the sidewalk.

"I can hear your footsteps behind me" she texted him

and as she walked up the steps she trailed one hand behind her on the railing -- and smiled when his hand touched hers.  He was like a ghost following her -- shadowing her step for step  She felt energized - and comforted by her bravery in the store --

and she so wanted to be brave

Turn left -- cross into the parking lot

she turned and navigated the traffic, briefly wondering how they must look -- walking so closely together as they crossed the street.  I'm sure they looked like a perfectly normal couple.  It made her smile -- a smile which slowly died as she passed into the darkness of the lot

turn right here -- between those cars

her feet would not obey her.

the warnings hammered into her all her life sprung to life -- they beat at her brain telling her to run

run from this stranger who is clearly manipulating you
that wants you weak
vulnerable
alone

wants you to expose yourself to danger

but she knew
she knew she wasn't done
not qute yet
a few steps more -- she had to know

she moved her feet slowly -and turned into the darkness and cover of the cars into the darkest part of the lot

*************************************
For a moment he thougtht she was done.

He wondered if he would really honor his promise that
if she turned and saw him -- would he walk away?
could he?

or would he throw her to the ground in this lot and fuck her here and now

he shook the idea out of his head
he was a monster -- but not a dishonorable monster.

He would fuck her when she begged for it
and not before

Now that he had her here - -in the dark
he would ask again

If you want to be touched -- set your bag on the ground

She was shaking so hard he wondered if she would fall off her heels completely
she shook her head slightly "no"

she whispered, "I can't"

her voice cracking with tears she was fighting back

"ah", he thought --"so close to breaking"

he took a few steps back -- givng her back just enough power so she could breathe
and turned her back around

for now

to the lights of the store

Every steps she takes forward is a step deeper down
She still hasn't looked

She is still mine

Predator - part 9

Lorena read Orion's note again,

Little one -- tonight, you put yourself completely in my hands.  You must follow my directions.  If you fail to obey and choose to see me, our game will end.  The power to end the game is yours at any time -- all you have to do is open your eyes and turn to see me.  If you agree -- go to the corner, keep your eyes down -- and your adventure will begin

Her decision was made instantly -- of course she was in -- she was hooked!

She was greatful for the dark colored jeans -- no one could see how wet she was -- the parking lot had revved her engines -- but knowing that this time a sexy scavenger hunt was the warm up round had her itching to know what he had planned next.

She felt ridiculous in the store -- whe went to the corner of the shoestore and pretended to be rivited by the boots on the bottom shelf.  

Good Girl -- came the text

Don't move -- Don't turn around -- I want to feel you

Remember -- if you look -- the game will end.

She closed her eyes against the temptation

and soon felt his warmth behind her

He touched her gently on the small of her back -- as if to release a spark of eletricity through a grounding wire

Her head cast down

She heard him take a deep breath -- inhaling her scent -- she knew her perfume was only half of it -- she was dripping with desire -- and fear

she shook at bit as his hand came around around her waist

and stroked the bottom of her breast

His text came, No one can see us

the thought of that was both comforting and menacing.  No one can see me being fondled in the corner of this store -- but that invisibility also meant that she was at his mercy

She closed her eyes again

and stayed in her spot -- frozen

***************************************

Fuck -- it was all he could do to not end this game now by throwing her over his shoulder and taking her to his truck right now.  She reaked of sex and fear.  She was shaking with it.  She had his note still clutched in one hand, her phone in the other.

And she was under his control.  

What man could resist a woman like this -- a woman who sees the lion -- smells the lion -- fears the lion -- and still puts her head in the lion's mouth?  

He wondered when she would break

what would be the moment when she couldn't take another second of it?

If you want me to touch you-- place your bag on the floor.  

all she would have to do to end it was turn around

open her eyes

and yet

in wonderment

he watched her bag slowly lower to the floor

Good Girl, he thought

Good Girl

He stood so close she must be able to feel his cock against her back -- and snaked one arm around her waist -- brushing the underside of her left breast with this thumb.  She gasped and leaned back into him for a moment and he rewarded her surrender by caressing her nipple and feeling it harden instantly

He longed to have her tied to a chair, blindfolded and at his mercy -- to bind those beautiful breasts

to flog them.  He longed to make her wimper and cry out

and could not resist pinching her nipple through her top until she whimpered and bit her lip

He released it and petted her for a moment -- gentling her

He moved away quickly before her resolve could break and retreated outside the store where he could watch her from the window

You may move now little one -- I am proud of you -- walk to the other side of the store

and kneel down by the tennis shoes

and he marveled as he watched her as she slowly moved across the room

eyes on the floor

and knealt down as if to look for her keys in her bag

relinquishing her power to him

AVK

(NOTE TO THE READERS -- I'm in a bloggy mood today -- I posted the next chapter of the Lorena/Orion story yesterday -- and you may not have read it yet -- Lorena's in deep y'all.  And a post about last night -- I recommend you read HOPES AND FEARS before this post -- and catch up on Lorena's adventures -- the next chapter goes up around 6pm today)

So -- about this class I took

and I wish I could do it justice

but I was too busy being in the moment to get all the terminology right -- and frankly - -the venue was really difficult for me

there at the dungeon -- there are a lot of distracting sights and sounds

and I was there for the class.

The man who teaches the class is a hypotherapist & life coach -- he mostly does the -- stopsmokinghypnolapband stuff

which -- I don't know how I feel about all of that -- he also does NLP stuff --but -- I'm not really here to write about this

He was talking essentially about how you perceive the world -- and what senses you use to connect with the world -- and what senses you are LEAST connected to.

and it was fascinating.

so think about how you connect with the world -- how you learn -- how you communicate

Audibly -- how things sound, the use of language
Visually -- how they look -- is it visually appealing -- does it have pattern and order
Kinesthetically - -How it feels -- sensation -- touch  -- and not just touch but how it feels emotionally

So we took a quiz that helped you to sort out who you are -- and you can be different things in different situations -- because we have learned to adapt and turn things on and off.

He asked the group to think about who they are in PLAY -- but I just focused on who I am in my normal social life

He then provided us with examples -- he brought up someone who was a KAV -- meaning she is most comfortable with feelings and touch -- and VERY uncomfortable visually -- and made her stand in front of the group

which was visibly painful for her
he didn't torture her for long -- and actually let her turn her back a bit and petted her shoulder so she could relax.

so big shocker

I'm an AVK

I am all about words -- and talking -- and disassociate with touch.

I have a HUGE FUCKING BUBBLE -- and always thought this made me a freak

and people don't get it

I don't want you to touch me unless I trust you
and know it's coming

so it's not that I'm not a hugger
well

it IS that I'm not a hugger
but

that it's overwhelming for me -- it's too much input of something that I have a hard time processing

additionally - it makes touch very special to me

because I don't touch people or allow them to touch me very much.  I can remember almost all of the times when I touch people who are not in the inner circle.

oh

who's in the inner circle?

um

M

and any of the children in my care


yeah

that's it

So I left his class full of "AHA!"

an OH --

because one of the reasons that being at the dungeon is hard on my nerves tis that the room is filled with KVAs and KAVs

who all want to experience their world by touching it

**shudders**

(PS -- as you read the rest of Lorena's adventures -- consider that if I'm AVK -- Lorena's AVK -- and it might just explain why she does the things she does -- (veeeery interesting -- **stroking my imaginary beard))

Hopes and Fears

so if you're looking for the most recent chapter of the story -- just page down -- you'll find it there  -- for some reason there's a delay in notifying my readers of a new post -- I think it has to do with how I've set my blog up -- I don't want keyword searches -- and that seems to have me on some sort of tape delay.

whatever

perhaps part of my allure as a blogger is that only a select few are able to read me

don't you feel lucky?

So -  a quick post to talk about some things going on in my world.

I'm working very much on getting better facing some of my fears
specifically

my fear of uncertain situations -- and specifically -- dealing with strangers socially

I started with by going to the munches a while back
and tonight
or last night - whenever you read this

I went to take a class at (wait for it) -- the local dungeon

dun Dun DUUUUUUUN!

all by myself.

I would love to tell you that it wasn't horrible
but parts of it was

walking in by myself -- to a room of people who all seem to know each other -- who all seem very comfortable with each other -- and don't particularly have any interest in letting anyone else in

yeah

horrible.

and I don't scream out "Hey -- I'm nifty -- come talk to me!"
because I know my body language is shut down
and says, "stay fucking away -- I'm freaking out over here!"

but this is how I got over my fear of public speaking
I just did it
over and over and over again -- until I got used to the horribleness
and learned to deal with it

so -- I went to this class
and then mercifully -- there was a worksheet -- and things to do
and then someone to focus on

and the horribleness was much less
and I learned some interesting things about myself and was very pleased that I came

you know

until the class was over
I tried to make myself stay to the white elephant gift exchange (AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD -- CAN WE STOP CALLING IT THE CHINESE CHRISTMAS???  - (FACEPALM))

but I just couldn't do it.
I left my gift -- someone will enjoy it -- but I just fucking expired on courage for the night and went home

not a total failure -- I will get better at it.

as for hopes?

I am still hoping to go see the man next weekend

it is not a solid plan
but a solid hope

and -- if it doesn't happen
I'm going to be devastated - -in spite of him telling me not to
I will

I miss him
and
this is starting to fuck with our connection

He's a good man
and I love him
but

you guys -- I need some D in my D/s

I hope I'll get it soon -- I fear we will be delayed some more

but

I'm going to let HOPE win out over FEAR for now

stay tuned -- I think Lorena's going to have her own battle with fear -- let's see how she does....

Predator - Part 8

Lorena was spinning.  She felt like they had invented their own form of kink -- and one that relied on her not being able to know who he was.  That was the beauty of it.  It made every man she saw a prospect.  There was no mistaking it -- she was caught up in the mystery -- the challenge -- she wanted more

more attention
more excitement
more danger

What a strange thought -- SHE wanted more danger.  The girl who checks the locks on her door two and three times every night -- was becoming a danger junkie.

She also knew that he was drunk on the power he had over her -- the power of watching her and the power of addicting her to the game.  That was her power -- to entice him -- to pull him out.  To make him take chances too.

But he had a different plan tonight.

They negotiated all afternoon

She wanted the Mall -- he wanted a strip mall nearby that they both knew well.  She didn't like that plan -- it was where she shopped regularly -- it was -- exposed - and spread out.  She relented -- it still met her need for a public place for her protection.

She fought for a bit more control and decided that her feminine wile have to suffice.  Time to take the upper hand.

She dressed to kill.  All in black.  Her new skinny jeans showing her curves off to her benefit -- a skin tight shell under a sheer silk jacket.  Black open toed shoes with her candy apple toe nails and her favorite citrusy perfume.  "Play with me will you?  Two can play at that game" she thought as she admired her work in the mirror.

I want you under my control tonight, He said
I want to direct you
guide you

You want that, don't you little one?
some adventure?

She did -- thinking back to the adventure in the market -- it made her feel charged -- alive.  She wanted it again and knew that the same game wouldn't have the same affect on her.  She needed a stronger dose.

"What will happen?"

You will be safe, little one -- but you will follow my directions or the game will end.

**************************************
They texted as she dressed.  She taunted him a bit -- struggling to maintain some hint of control.  It made him smile.  She was a feisty girl afterall.  He looked forward to watching her battle her fight or flight instincts tonight.  He delayed her at home until after dark -- and then had her get in the car to meet him.

He pulled her over once on the way
to reinforce who was really driving tonight

He left her sitting on the side of the road for a few minutes before releasing her to enter the shopping center.  It crawled with holiday shoppers.  It was perfect for his plans

He let her coast up and down the aisles -- stopping her at the most remote part -- in the middle of the center -- away from the lights.

Come out of the car and let me see you.

She was beautiful.  A light breeze lifted her silk shirt and her long brown hair danced a bit in the wind -- she ran her hand through her hair -- a nervous habit

Do that again little one.

She lifted her eyes from the text and looked around -- searching for him
She obeyed him - her body tense and wary

He moved her around the car to see her at every angle.

I want you more isolated little one -- go to the shadows of that tree ahead of you.

She hesitated -- and finally got her feet moving -- and stood shivvering in the dark -- alone - isolated -- vulnerable.

Orion drank it in.
he drank deep of her bravery
and her obedience

He loved her vulnerability and her trust

He watched her jump when she startled a bird in the tree and thought she might run back to the safety of her car
but his girl was strong

she stayed
he watched her -- so very close to her and stroked his cock -- His beautiful prey.

He felt her resolve starting to crack -- and relented -- lettting her retreat to the light of the she store --

he directed her to find his message -- leading her around the store as he watched from the back of the store -- he saw her body language change as seh found his note

Little one -- tonight, you put yourself completely in my hands.  You must follow my directions.  If you fail to obey and choose to see me, our game will end.  The power to end the game is yours at any time -- all you have to do is open your eyes and turn to see me.  If you agree -- go to the corner, keep your eyes down -- and your adventure will begin

Predator -part 7

Lorena rushed into her house, bolted the doors and left the groceries on the floor.  She crawled into bed and shook.

Fuck

fuck Fuck FUCK

What the hell was wrong with her?  Who gets turned on by a stalker?

After a bit -- she calmed herself down -- comforted by the normality of her cozy room.  "You did throw down the guantlet girl" - "What did you expect?"

She logged on to her account to find a message waiting for her.

Did you love it?

She blinked a bit at the screen.

"I don't know -- I was really freaked out"

I Didn't ask you that.  I asked you if you loved it.  Answer the question.

Lorena didn't want to say it.
It was a little fucked up
but she did
she loved it

"I did love it.  Parts of it."

You were so determined -- I loved watching you -- seeing all your mannerisms.  You are beautiful and your focus made you even more so.  

"I was determined not to fail"

They fell back into chatting -- they discected the night and her trepedation melted away.  Should she be upset that he rose to the challenge and beat her at her own game?

Lorena was wetter than ever.  She leaned back against her pillows and began to rub her swollen clit -- so wet she could have rung out her panties.  She rolled onto her belly to get the right angle, pressing 2 fingers inside to find that spot -- just inside and to the front -- yesssss -- just there - her palm forming a suction against her clit and she drove herself up and over the edge -- her hot cunt locking around her fingers as she caught her breath.

Yes -- she loved it.

but it was dangerous -- it couldn't happen again
he's a stranger
he could be anyone
anyone

fuck -- she started to masturbate again --
she was in deep

****************************************

Orion knew he had to be careful.  Catch a release is the game of chance -- but once captured, the prey becomes that much more wary.

He had to admit that she had captured him as well.  He came in the parking lot watching her play with her hair and look nervously about.  He loved that her nature made her obey him and admired her resolve to fight her instincts.

Worthy prey for the hunt.

He should walk away.  The risk of being caught was high -- and once caught, the game would lose the flavor forever.  He had no interest in a tame, caged animal.

He saw her again at her coffee shop -- he stayed far back -- she was skittish and jumped when the woman behind her tapped her arm to get her to move ahead.

But she also looked alive -- on fire.

She protested last night that the game was a "one time thing" -- but looking at her now he could see that she wasn't done quite yet.

Later that day, he texted again.

I want to taste you again

"I'll catch you this time -- and then the fun will be over" she flirted back

Little one -- what fun would it be to play the exact same game?

Are up for an adventure?

after a long pause

"What do you have in mind?"

He read it -- and smiled.

Predator - Part 6

(if you missed 5 thinking that I wasn't going to post because of cookie day -- it's down 2 posts -- Orion was up to some pretty serious hijinks and you need to read 5 for 6 to make sense)

Lorena's heart was pounding as she pushed her cart out of the store.  The fun game had turned a bit for her - her power leached away by one thought.

He's watched me all night.

echoing in her head.  Now she had to walk through the dark lot to her car.  She cursed herself for the late hour and how remote her car seemed.  She gathered her bags and walked swiftly to the car, locking it even before the door shut.

her text rang

Wet little girl?
'
she stared at her phone.

"fuck you", she thought to herself "fuck you for making me feel unsafe -- am I wet?  am I WET?!?"

she took a breath -- the anger defusing her fear.

She was wet.  Soaked.

She looked in her rearview mirror and saw a girl flushed with excitement, eyes alive.  Her nipples were hard little peaks -- and the truth was

she was more excited than she had ever been.

She started to leave the lot and go to the safety of her home

Park, came the message

inexplicably

she watched herself park

she marveled that she would do such a thing -- this man was fucking STALKING her - why am I parking?  What the hell is wrong with me?

Put your hair up

She took a breath.  "Bossy fuck" - but the sub inside who hates to disappoint took over.

She flicked on the light inside her car -- brave again in the protection of her locked vehicle and twisted her hair up into a makeshift bun before she turned out the light.

Turn it back on

her head swiveled to find him

"How is he doing this?  I parked randomly!  None of these cars have moved -- how can he always see me when I cannot see him!"

A part of her was excited by his attention - his focus -- his obsession.  But a part of her was equally repulsed, knowing that in one of these cars he was watching her - touching himself -- cumming at the thought of her in his trap.

Like a deer captured by headlights -- eventually, the animal breaks free --and she put the car in gear and sped home.

**********************

He was proud of her.
Look at how she conquered her fear for so long

timid thing that she is
WAS

he smiled as the taillights moved out of his vision and he began to follow her again

She turned right at the light -- away from her house.
He followed discretely behind -- no need to follow more closely.

He's always known where she lived.
He's stood outside her windows at night.
He's heard her alarm sound in the morning

He chuckled as she made a quick Uturn to ensure that no one followed her home.

He had spooked her.

but he also knew - the second she obeyed and parked her car

She would come back for more

She was hooked.

Cookie Day -- Penuche Pecan Bars

It's that time again! -- Amazing Cookie recipe exchange day -- and thanks to the FABULOUS Jz -- it's all coordinated with little effort from the rest of us.

The recipe below is amazing - your house will smell like a pecan pie -- cut the pieces small - and make them LAST

 (oh -- if you want to read the next chapter -- it's been posted today -- just page down a bit)

Penuche Pecan Bars

4 large eggs
1 # light brown sugar (2.5 cups - packed)
1 3/4 cups flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 # pecan halves (4 1/2 cups)untoasted
1 1/2 tsp vanilla

preheat the oven to 350 degrees -- middle rack

Prepare a pan (9 x 13) by lining the inside with foil, buttering the inside well -- set aside.

In a double boiler (yes -- it sounds like a pain -- but these are WORTH it) beat the eggs and stir in the sugar (make sure there are no lumps) cook for 20 minutes stirring frequently and scraping the sides with the spatula

sift dry ingredients together.

put the pecans in a large mixing bowl.

after the eggs are cooked -- stir in the vanilla - pour the mixture over the nuts -- coating well, add in dry ingredients and stir to mix.

pour hot mixture into the pan and spread it out smooth.

Bake for 25 minutes -- a toothpick test will come out slightly wet

stand until cool.

turn out remove foil and refrigerate for an hour to overnight (sometimes I freeze it after I cool them in the fridge and cut them later.
Cut into small pieces as they are rich rich rich

they will be sticky when you first cut them but will dry out nicely and are a huge favorite (tasting a bit like pecan pie)

Need more?  Here are the cookie-friends!

Advizor54

aisha

Ally

Autumn in jeans  

Beth

Dana

Elysia

Emi J,

Fiona

Greengirl

Hedone

HisLilAngel

Joey

Julia

Jz

Krissy

lil

Linda Long

Little Monkey

mouse (her recipe here, her blog here) 

Mrs. Soft Bottom

Ms. Constance

Naughty Kitty 

nilla

Penelope

Ronnie

Ryan Beaumont

Sassy

selkie, (her recipe here, her blog here)

Serenity

sin

Striving for Peace

TemptingSweets

Tom

Veronica