Going private for a few

a plan

so there is a plan
a plan to help me get to where he wants me to be

and it's a good plan that allows me to learn and grow and catch up to him
or at least bridge some of the gap

he's such a mix of romance and sweetness and brutality that at times it's hard to reconcile the two of them

part of this plan involves the open acknowledgement that the distance is too much

and that there must be others

that there's not a way to meet all of each other's needs from a distance

which is a bit of a challenge for me
because

I expect that he's going to have another sub
or spend time with another sub

but I've sort of gotten away from the FWB that doesn't have a bit of the D/s in it

or more than a bit

I do have a Dom friend who has in the past offered to be a trainer
as we explored the world of Poly
I mentioned this as a possibility

does he want to allow play with another Dom as part of the training -- part of getting me ready for the likes of him

and I got a strongly worded response back

(and I quote)
"I am absolutely, admantantly opposed to have someone else--FWB, another Dom, anyone--picking up the slack on your training when I'm not there.

Doing so would be admitting failure from my perspective.  You are my sub; I will train you.  Progress may be slow because I'm not there on an everyday basis, but I'd rather have slow than have someone else guide you in my place."

blink

blink

blink

"you are my sub; I will train you."

so you can expect that there may be some sex in my sex blog -- but unless he's here -- there won't be any kinky sex in my kinkysex blog (although he did allow for some spanking/nipple clamps to be allowed - his version of boring vanilla stuff)

So I'm off to dreamland.

and hope that my dream dom comes and curls around me and hooks a finger into my collar in his sleep.

Dewey Doit system

My housecleaner must have me figured out
or must be very very out herself

not only did she organize my toys in my closet (putting them all together with crops tucked behind the toy bag

but put my porn in the bookshelf

in the living room

fortunately the Pixie found it and presented it to me

with a "DA!"

which must be baby talk for

"Geeze mama - in the living room?"

Mission Dompossible

Last night while Dompossible was on the plane  going home he wrote out the specs for the program.

God I love me a nerdy man
so sad

The goals
the constraints of the project
etc etc

the goal is to bring me in line with his style of play -- or find a compromise style of play that we both enjoy.

This will mean helping me to develop and grow
and the idea makes me feel all warm and happy inside.

One of our agreed upon constraints is no deception - and the need for both to have other relationships.

Neither of us want the other to be alone.

but we're seeking the balance between -- "I don't want you to lie to me" and "I don't want to really think too much about other girls you're fucking"

I think it's important that while I'm not at the place that he is at D/s wise that he get his Dom on with someone who is.

and if he finds his happily ever after with her -- so be it.

I do not plan to move
neither does he
and

we will either catch fire and burn hotly
or
fizzle out

and having a session with someone else isn't going to change that.

In the meantime -- I fully expect a list of success criteria coming in some future email :)

In the meantime

I'm going to enjoy myself
and start thinking of ways in which we can start the reprogramming of my wiring

and right this very second
stop typing and go change a baby.

Going back

So it's been an emotional few days for Dompossible and I.

Yesterday we had a family dinner out -- and we both got so caught up in all the reasons why we can't work that we made ourselves miserable.

I mean

crying in the restaurant kind of miserable.

Here's what happened

We just

sigh

we just got so close over the past few months
shared so much
that

we've sort of fallen for each other

and then

Sunday

we made a strategic mistake.

we fast forwarded physically to where we are emotionally
and

it was too much

my head was spinning
and
we were too mismatched.

so I invited him to have dinner with me tonight
and he asked to think about it

and asked to come and have dinner and talk
and we talked
while entwined on the couch
and

he took charge
and said that we were going to hit the reset button
and
back off.

So

no more play
although there were some moments
when we started to kiss
and things got hot
and nearly nearly nearly
took us back to where we were

so

I suppose
we are

dating?

well

not dating


I don't know what the hell to call it

because his business trip has been cut short - he goes home tomorrow instead of Friday
and may or may not be back in a few weeks

but we're going to see where this goes
if this goes

because there's the potential of happily ever after
and the potential of horrible heartbreak

in equal measure

but for now

no more play for this sub
for now

reset.

The meeting

Dompossible and I met
and

while there wasn't the thunderbolt.
He's sweet
and kind

and I liked him very much

We met and had an early dinner
and walked around the local outside mall

we held hands

we shared a sweet kiss on a park bench

and decided to come home

My city is huge
and the drive was long to get to my house

I needed to pick up Pixie and put her to bed -- after playing with the neighbor's 2 year old it took her less than 5 minutes to conk out.

but you don't want to know about all of that -- do you?

you want me to get to the good stuff.

Well

I'm not quite ready to write about it quite yet.

Dompossible is a sadist.
I am not a masochist

and

I'm left feeling a bit like a failure - because I couldn't take it
and I think he's more than a bit worried that he'll take me too far

because his "barely there" was way beyond my endurance

for whatever reason

perhaps because it's been too  long
and a bit of being emotionally run down

so I'm a bit sad
and a bit worried
because I don't think it's going to work for us
and I think we both really wanted it to

We have a date tonight -- for dinner

and

I predict that we'll have a great time - no play tonight -- I'll have the baby.

but ultimately,

unless we can find the right balance of play

neither of us is going to get what we want.

even thought we like each other so very very much

testing adaptability

My parents are sick.

My parents who were going to babysit tomorrow night
are sick

So I had to send Dompossible a message

We can

A) have dinner here -- with baby

B) try to find a sitter -- and cut the date short

C)  reschedule for Monday

none of which are awesome solutions

and "finding a sitter" isn't easy with no resources

the next door neighbors pitched in -- they are taking Pixie for a few hours

Dompossible and I are going to meet half way - -and check each other out

and

If we're "in" -- we'll come back here - pick up the baby -- put her to bed -- and then spend some time together.

and

If we're not in

I guess I'll pick up my baby girl and call it a night

I'm going to be pissed if I deforested for nothing.

Date prep

So as Dompossible and I  worry on each end about the will we won't we hit it off

to ourselves since we're not discussing it by mutual agreement

I've been working on getting ready for the date

ok

scratch that

I was supposed to be working on getting ready for the date

because he will require that I wear the plug for the date

actually

for any date

um

and not the tiny metal one

the glass plug

that's much more difficult for me

and

no

I've not been doing it

at all

for about a week

so all the work we did getting me ready to wear it long enough

out the window

So we'll be eating tapas on Sunday

but I'll be squirming a bit

and waiting for permission to remove it

but before all that

we've come to the logistical challenge

because he's staying about 45 minutes (in non rush hour traffic) from where I live

and I"ll be going that way the first date

and If I put it in before I leave home
and then drop off Pixie

yeah

I won't make it

so I offered to stop at a Starbucks and insert it
which he vetoed

because it really is quite difficult for me to put in
and I might need some time

and you know

no one knocking at the door for me to hurry up because they've been swilling lattes for hours and need to go.

so I will borrow his room (with both keys) to insert it before we go out to dinner

(don't freak out ya'll - I've vetted the crap out of him - he's cleaner than I am)

so

I am up to an hour and 1/2

at which point I was begging to be done
and

I doubt I'll make more headway in the next day and 1/2

but

won't it make for good blogging

And it is done.

The baby is just stirring and I'm out of my shower

yeah

you heard my right

MY SHOWER

because I got one -- jealous?

HA!

and I don't have to yell at anyone today

I don't have to go wake someone up from sleeping 6 times to get them ready
I don't have to nag a soul

in fact

I won't have to nag anyone about anything for several years.

ahhhh

yesterday was hard

the girls took it hard
but didn't bargain as I thought they might
knowing
that it was done

that all of their things were already in the Case Manager's car

there were tears
even some on my side
I hated hurting them

but I left feeling lighter
and I awake feeling hopeful.

and

it has not occurred to me

that I am meeting Dompossible in about 57 hours
and that's a pretty exciting/terrifying/wonderful thing

Furious -- and surprised that I can still be surprised

I have been nagging my Case Manager (you all know her as the Cunt Case Manager) -- with emails entitled "Transition Logistics"

because while the therapist and I can strategize all we want -- ultimately she's the one that has to come through with the plan.

She told me I would have the plan today -- and apparently the "plan" is to ask me to call the new foster mom and "work it out"

work it out?
WORK IT OUT?

Meanwhile I was accidentally copied on an email to CPS informing them of the change -- (really? on Tuesday at 4pm - -for a change that is due to happen on Thursday?)

While I boiled over.

I wrote an email to the therapist (who works for the agency) for her thoughts

and I'll blow my top tomorrow.

As I cannot get the girls to do anything I want them to do
and they refused to go to respite this weekend

I can't imagine that I can pack up their things --put them in the car and take them to the new foster home  without there being a huge meltdown that will be highly traumatic for everyone involved.

I'm sure they will just tell me to lie to them

I'm starting to really hate my agency

I feel like I've made a deal with the devil sometimes -- and there's nothing I can do at this point

they have me where they want me.

*************
In other news

I am finally on the mend -- as is FL and the baby -- we've all been very very ill.

and Dompossible is coming on Sunday
and I am very very nervous

We've banned talking about our nerves about "no chemistry" -- but the worry is still there.

but
maybe maybe maybe there'll be something to talk about here soon

stay tuned in the meantime for Thursday's drama.

Meltdown

The baby is sick

not horribly sick
but running a bit of a fever
and snotty
and crying and crying and crying

We had KK's birthday party
and she got to revved up
and too sugared up

and when I came back from my parents with the baby it was clear that I can't do the next 24 hours like this

and I called and arranged respite

and KK and FL

just dug in

KK's tactic was to have a fall on the ground tantrum
and FL's was to simply state that she wasn't going

during this they both bargained by telling me they would be good and follow directions

ultimately

I can't make them do anything

I can't force them into the car
so

finally

I just gave in

because I only have to make it 5 more days

and told them to go to their rooms
and stay there.

tonight they are allowed out of their rooms to eat dinner

and then must return

tomorrow they are not allowed out of their rooms until their room is clean (I have pointed out the logic of cleaning their rooms tonight so they can just be off restriction tomorrow.

they have both agreed to this

and even after the baby goes to sleep

I need them to stay in their rooms

Everyone in this house is miserable.

They are being moved on Thursday after school.  I will pack them up on Thursday while they are in school and  drop off their stuff.

and then I will take them to therapy on Thursday - where they will be told of the change and will go home with their new foster mom.

If I ever thought I could do this
today would have cemented it.

I wish it could be some other way

but it cannot

so on a day when I threw KK a really nice party
everyone in this house is upside down
and miserable.