Helpless (vanilla post)

Sometimes my job makes me feel so helpless.

I'm stuck

I'm only allowed to do so much

meddle so much

help so much

and then my hands are tied.

I have an employee

and she's

well -- she's broken

another employee came to me today and told me that someone

someone needs to talk to her

because there's something horribly wrong

and I know

I know that things are bad for her

that she's holding onto this life by the fingernails

barely
barely holding on

when she's up -- she's very very up

but now?

now she's down

and she won't go get help
she refuses.

today

today she wouldn't even look me in the eyes
I took her aside to talk to her

and she wouldn't look at me
she talked and talked
and cried
and talked

but

she's not talking to me
she's

she's alone
and

she can't feel me
she can't feel anyone

She talks about ending it
leaving it all behind

and I beg her to get help
reach out

I try to make her promise not to hurt herself
and she tells me not to worry

but she didn't promise.

I tried everything I could think of

finally

the most I could get her to commit to

was a promise

to make it to tomorrow.

that she could promise me
that I would see her tomorrow.

and tomorrow -- I will try again to get her to accept help
and tomorrow -- I will get her to promise that I will see her the next day

what else can I do

Horrible person

It's time for me to out myself.

I'm a horrible person

horrible.

I'm happy

very very happy

I have a wonderful guy
who supports me
and loves me back

ya'll

he loves me BACK

but I'm also a smidge jealous

of Mr. C's new relationship

crazy, I know

I'm 90% happy for him

and 10% bitter.

it's a bit of a stab
seeing them happy together

when he couldn't be happy with me

yes

I am a horrible person

but this blog is about me being honest

honest with you

but more importantly honest with myself.

I want him to be happy
I think I just don't want to see it

oh. -- he's just perfect

He's texting me cute things the 4 year old is saying tonight

and I sent a message

"I want what you have"

and he responds

"You will baby.  And we will share it all"

and

it was just right

he doesn't even know how much I needed to hear that

right now

and I welled up

staring at my phone

lol

and again just now

Overstimulation

I had a bit too much over the holiday

too much food
too much attention
too much help
too much decision making
too much advice

just

too much

I'm overstimulated.

I need to just

depressurize

and focus

I've spoken with M
and

I'm sort of hiding out today.

I don't think we do this enough

turn off the TV
stop answering the phone
get off the internet

just

read a book

or

do nothing

so -- I'm off to recharge my battery for a few hours

and get back to me

Far away

lately -- I feel really far away from M

I've been really busy

and

sometimes we don't have as much to talk about

I'm frustrated with him
and his busy schedule

and

well -- something I haven't talked about

he hasn't been up here to see me
I go down that direction

but he has not come up here

and I'm worried

worried that when I get kiddo-ed -- that I won't be able to make trips down there
and he's unwilling to come up here
or unable -- whatever

and we're going to fizzle.

and

when I get overwhelmed by this feeling
I pull away a bit

and then I think about Mr. C and I

isn't this what he did to me?

He got into his head that when I got my kid(s)
that we wouldn't have time

so he started to pull away

so he wouldn't get hurt

and -- wow -- that was a painful experience for me

because HE killed us
out of his fear

so

I wanted to write this down
I wanted to say it
right here
right now

so later on when I notice I'm starting to do this

fulfill my own prophecy

I can come back here and remind myself.

that

we can make this work if we want to make it work.
and

if we're not willing to do the work
then
it's not worth having

I love him
and he loves me

and it may not last

but then again

it may

Shhh do you hear that?

listen closely

yeah

that's the sound of an empty house

Mom and Dad went back to the hotel last night

and my brother and SIL flew home

and the kiddo is at a friend's house-- spending the night

so M and I had an adult date
at full volume
Just what Dr. M ordered.

in fact I started to write this last night -- and stopped typing to have my date.

I fell asleep right after

sans underwear -- which is forbidden -- but I lost consciousness moments after the thought

"I need to put on panties" passed through my mind

and falling asleep at 9pm -- means I was wide awake at 5am today

so here I am

TV on playing the "French Chef" -- I do love Julia -- she is one of my heros - building her life after 40 -- and changing the way the world thinks about food.

Sitting with my favorite blanket -- in the glow of the christmas tree --new curtains hung -- all my pantings hung up on the walls

my house became a home this weekend.

sigh

and it's was the first real cold day here yesterday.

so I'm going to make a slight adjustment to my morning --

put down the computer --get a cup of early grey -- turn off the TV
(ok -- when Julia is done making a Salad Nicoise)

and curl up with the kindle.

I am a happy girl.

500th Post

Wow -- hard to believe that this is my 500th post

it's a shock

I've nearly stopped blogging a few times -- but something always brings me back
it's you guys

you bring me back

because I'm not just here talking to myself -- I have all of you.

So -- since I started this blog -- a bit over a year ago -- I've made quite a journey

I had my heart broken
I learned to date again
I struggled with the idea of being -- or not being vanilla again
I slept with some I shouldn't have
I slept with some I don't regret

I learned about selfishness
and generosity

I made new friends

I took important new steps in my journey

I met a blog friend in person
and transformed her into a real friend

and I healed -- and fell in love again

I jumped in

sometimes to my detriment

but I jumped in
and swam

thank you for joining me on my journey

Redemption

Aisha wrote:


Redemption occurs when we re-experience something that happened before -- have the same feelings -- but this time something's different.  We act differently, or someone else does, in some way, the story has a different ending.






I had the picture perfect childhood
but
my marriage


not so much.


My Ex was one of those guys that everyone loved -- but at home?  He had a volatile temper.  And I guess because he never hit me -- that I didn't think of him as abusive.  


No -- he never hit me


I think because he knew that was my line
cross that and I would be gone


But yell
belittle
fly into a rage
freeze me out


yes -- he could be that.


and he always found his rage so cleansing.  He would freak out about something -- and then couldn't understand that afterwards I was quiet -- sulky -- hurt.


See -- that's how they settled things in his family
they would let things build up


then they would explode


and it would all be ok.


Being with his family was like walking in a minefield.  
Most of the time -- a peaceful walk


but then all of a sudden
BOOM


Like the time I broke my key off in the ignition of my car -- and I needed a rescue.
He yelled at me for hours.


So -- what did I learn


HIDE mistakes
PROTECT him from anything upsetting
ENSURE that everything is perfect


all the time.


Fast forward to BDSM relationships


which are all about openness and honesty


and I find myself
on my knees
scrubbing at that stain on my carpet


talking to him on the phone


pretending that nothing's wrong


He knows I'm working on something
He senses that I'm upset


and finally he asks -- what it is that I've done


and I don't want to say


I wanted to just clean it up
and make it all perfect


and I'm in tears cleaning it up
and he calmly tells me it's ok
it's just a carpet
accidents happen


and that I need to stop punishing myself for it
that it's time to move on


and


these moments -- they're very healing for me


Yes -- redemption.


and I think about all those other times


I think about how we reclaim ugly words
and say them in love


slut
cunt
whore


how we retrain ourselves to have a different reaction


and I think
and not for the first time


how good this all this is for me.

Proximity Alarm

I have one of those porchlights that comes on when something goes near it

and I like that

because I could tell if someone were at my door

and I hate that

because I always think someone is at my door.

Yes

I could turn it off

but then I won't know if someone's at my door

and I would wonder

new houses are weird

they make funny noises

they take time to adjust to

and

they apparently attract all the cats and possum in the neighborhood
to fuck with me

by turning my porch light

on

and off

Seeing things

I see things sometimes

a shadow moving
in the corner of my eye

I can understand how people interpret these things as ghosts

I see them when I'm tired mostly.

My Mom

God bless her

is a believer

she talks to dead people

they tell her things

when she was deeply into genealogy -- they would give her hints
once she swears someone dropped the book she had been looking for on her

friendly ghosts

she said that when she was little she would see them
and when she was a young woman raising kids -- it disappeared on her
she thinks she was too distracted to notice them

but she sees them now
has for about the past 25 years

and who am I to say that she's wrong

I see something out of the corner of my eye
maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me

maybe it's something else

I'll let you know if they start dropping books.

remote control

So we know that we're not going to see each other any time soon

He says we'll have to get creative
that we'll need to figure it out

but

I don't think that means a visit
I think it means more control

remotely

not his favorite thing

not my favorite thing

but what we have

Sunday morning I was being a needy girl
he tested me a bit

to see if I was garden variety needy
or
drippy slutty needy

it was B

I was begging

begging for pain
begging for pleasure

open for one or the other

hoping for both

he had me put on the clamps
and chatted with me a bit

he painted a picture of pinning me down
and fucking my throat

something he knows I fear
he laid me on my back
thighs spread
head hanging off the bed

had me imagine having my throat fucked
while he takes the crop to my cunt

He gave me premission cum all I want
as long I don't touch myself

I struggled -- so close

so difficult with my legs apart

Look at me and remember what it is that makes you cum.  It is not a toy or a word, it is my will and ownership of you

I managed it

and he told me I wasn't done

he had me ride the vibe -- as if it were his cock
on top
and called me

sending me over the edge
until I was covered in sweat -- exhausted

finally listening to him join me in relief

and I suppose this is how we will manage the long weeks between visits

we'll amp it up

giving me the pain I need
the control he needs

keeping us close

and I know I'm spoiled.  There are so many of you who do it this way all the time
who rarely if ever meet.

and I'm grateful that he's working to give me what I need -- even though I think he's somewhat indifferent to the remote control

he's not indifferent to having me crave him
be his craven slut

no

not indifferent at all

and eventually -- we'll be together again.

Goddamnmotherfuckingshitfuck!

So -- I'm getting ready for the family invasion on Tuesday

and what do I do?

what do you ask me?

I spill

an entire bottle

a LARGE bottle

of screenprinting dye

on my carpet

black dye

BLACK

and do I realize I've done this right away?

no

I don't

and it soaks in

so I go out and buy a spotbot

not so I can repair the carpet

because the carpet is fucked

but so I can get enough dye out

so when I put an area rug over it

it won't sop into the rug

and ruin it too

fuck

PS -- so I went out and bought a spotbot -- and I have to tell you -- it got up an HUGE amount of the stain -- not it all -- but an enormous amount -- don't get me wrong -- the carpet is ruined.  But if you are a normal person and have a normal stain -- let's say -- an entire pot of chili or something -- or if a great dane gets sick on your rug -- I'm sure it would get it up....not dye -- but normal stains -- so I highly recommend it.

Recipe blogging

So I'm creating a recipe blog - -just for my own use and for my family (no link here -- it's attached to REAL me -- instead of SFP-me)

and it's like a trip down memory lane  -- I can't help but remember wonderful parties that we threw -- or birthdays that we celebrated with special cakes

or the Lemon Chess Pie I made last week

As I unpack boxes of recipe books and find my scribbled notes -- I keep thinking about recipes that I've lost through the years -- and I want to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Another copy online should help that.

and maybe maybe maybe I'll find that recipe for that amazing carrot cake I used to make

oh

and the pineapple upside down cake

and
and
and

in the meantime --

happy cooking!

where do you come from?

I was looking at my stats this morning

oh

first off -- you're not lost -- I'm trying out a new look.  I needed to freshen it up -- let me know if you find it hard to read.

where was I -- oh -- stats

What I noticed is that readers come from Mick and Molly's blog -- Sin's blog and JZ's blog.....but most likely Sin's blog (3 times more likely in fact) -- the reality is the most people either have me bookmarked or don't -- I rarely get a new reader -- and I love the ones I have

I have very little from keywords -- because I've made myself unsearchable.

I got worried that someone might stumble upon my blog and put 2 and 2 together

I used to scour the statcounter list to see if there were any troubling IP addresses --

and now that I don't pop up on searches (unless you're searching for my name specifically) I have a great deal more peace about blogging

I am more myself

less worried about exposure.

so if you've found me -- thank you -- I like being found
but I also like being a bit hard to find.

Per request -- espresso cheesecake

1 3/4 cup crushed chocolate wafers -- I prefer crushed chocolate teddy grahams
1/3 cup melted butter
2 oz semi sweet chocolate, chopped
2 T water
1 T instant espresso powder
2 T Kahlua
3 8 oz pkgs softened cream cheese (lower fat also works)
1 cup sugar
2 T all purpose flour
2 tsp vanilla
1/8 tsp cinnamon
3 eggs
chocolate covered coffee beans to decorate

Preheat to 350 degrees

Crust:  Mix cookie crumbs and butter and press into the bottom of an 8" springform pan -- chill in fridge

In a double boiler, heat chocolate, espresso powder and water (I use a bit more chocolate) and stir until melted.  Stir in Kahlua remove from heat and allow to cool.

In a mixer beat the cream cheese, sugar, flour, vanilla and cinnamon until smooth.  Add eggs all at once and mix until just mixed.  Do not overbeat.

Reserve 2 cups of mixture, cover and set aside.

Stir chocolate into the rest of the mixture until just combined - -pour into pan  bake for 30 minutes

Carefully -- pour the white mixture around the edge of the pan -- it will flow into the middle -- bake another 25 minutes

cool -- garnish with coffee beans and enjoy.

(sometimes I reserve a bit of the chocolate as well -- about a 1/4 cup -- after I pour in the white -- I dot the top with the chocolate and use a toothpick to make swirlly designs)

VBA

I have some new followers

WELCOME FOLLOWERS!

and it's certainly because the lovely Aisha nominated me for a VBA aware -- Versatile Bloggers Award

which has given me the boost

yay!

I hope I can keep you -- this blog is as much about the rest of my life as it is about my life in kink

The rules are - you have to nominate 15 blogs that you love -- and tell 7 things about yourself that others don't know

which is going to be tough
because you guys know a huge amount about me
and what you don't know

I'm not telling.

but I imagine I'll come up with that.

I don't regularly read 15 blogs -- but I'll give it a shot (but won't email them -- because -- well -- it goes against my "no chain letter" policy -- plus -- most of them have gotten awards from someone else!  And Yes -- I'm bound to miss a few  -- I'm essentially a lazy reader -- if there were a sex haiku site -- I would be all over that shit.

#1 Read -- Aisha over at http://beingaisha.wordpress.com/ - First read every day.  Partially because she blogs at the crack of dawn -- but mostly because she speaks to my soul.  Great read -- Great blogger -- Great person.

#2 -- Sin -- http://findingmysubmission.blogspot.com/  -- I love Sin -- she's salty.  That savory read that you go back to.  Dark -- but wonderful.  She and MoS have been good counsel for me in the past -- and I never fail to read (although I often fail to comment)

#3 -- http://vanillamom.wordpress.com/ -- Who doesn't love Nilla?  So prolific and filthy.  And yet so very real.  I am about a once a week reader -- since I'm not allowed to cum without the man -- I have to stay away from hot stories.

#4 --  http://curiouserandcuriouser-alice.blogspot.com/ -- I do love me some Alice.  I feel like I know them.  I feel her struggles and her joys.  Again - there's a theme -- she's so very very real -- I feel like I could be sitting in her living room having tea chatting about the ups and downs of our days

#5 -- http://knottylittlemonkey.blogspot.com/  -- How much do I love lil monkey -- even though she keeps threatening to stop blogging -- it's addictive -- isn't it LM?

#6 - http://discoveringalice.blogspot.com/ -- Go say hello to Alice # 2 a fairly new read.  I'm enjoying her journey of discovery --

#7 - http://hiswyldrose.blogspot.com/ -- Rose, Rose, Rose -- One of my early supporters in the Peaceful Submissive days.....thoughtful and always a delightful read.

#8 -- http://onesubsmission.blogspot.com/ -- J -- is she a Domme?  is she a sub? -- I've never understood switching and I love the peek into her world.

# 9 -- http://areluctantbitch.blogspot.com/ -- BTW these are not in order.  my JZ is a THINKER -- and a brilliant writer as well -- (and has been a great friend and advisor)

#10 -- http://undercontracttomywife.blogspot.com/ -- Mick and Molly (and company) - warm, welcoming and very very real -- the fantasy of so many of us seeing how they make kink work -- every day -- happily ever after.

#11 -- http://hntanon.blogspot.com/ -- a great photo blog -- containing 2 photos of me (but you'll have to dig to find them)

I know I've left someone off -- that I've forgotten someone -- and I hate that -- but these are my daily/weekly reads

#12 -- oh -- and MOUSE -- http://aslavestale.blogspot.com/

ok -- 7 things about me

1.  I sleep with a stuffed dog -- every night -- snuggled in my death grip.

2.  I love liverwurst.

3.  I've always wanted to set up my house with a high shelf in every single room lined completely with books (I loved loved loved Aisha's house which is COVERED with full bookshelves)

4.  I never never never give out my phone number -- ever.  and I don't get telemarketing calls -- ever.  And I can be pretty snotty about it if you ask me for it.  the answer is NO.

5.  I cannot keep plants alive.  I need something that meows, bites, growls or says, "hey mom what's for dinner" if it wants to live. -- so that leaves out birds and fish too.

6.  The great love of my life was a cute little dog that I adopted on Mother's Day the year that I lost my first pregnancy.  I had him for 13 years and I'm not sure that I will ever get over his loss.

7.  I am a really really bad housekeeper -- I hate cleaning house more than anything -- in fact I have to bribe myself with treats to get it done and often will set a timer to make myself clean for a certain amount of time before I'm allowed to take a break or get on the internet.

Happy Blogging!

Trick Question

Do you want to suffer just for me?  Or is it a need in you?

This came out of me hinting that the spanking ends before I'm quite ready for it

I'm snuggled on the sofa texting
He's  -- off at some city council meeting

I counter with

That's a trick question

Answer it (comes his return)

I do not suffer for you against my will
I am hardwired to desire it
but to do it for you
feeds me
nourishes me
draws us together

It's not either/or

It is "and"

Morning Torture

I woke up all hot steamy and damp

not quite sure what I was dreaming of
but I was ready

5:11
too early

I rolled onto my stomach
and tried to get back to sleep

my PJ bottoms bunched a bit between my legs
and I realize
that

I am clenching my pussy together
and could cum

right there
no touching

just
right on the edge -- if I willed myself to

and I started to torture myself more with little fantasies

vignettes

as I rock into the mattress
it's banned you know

no cumming without him

and that's off until Saturday via phone

and yet

I'm bargaining with myself

"It's not the same if it happens on its own"

"I mean -- what if I did it in my sleep?  that wouldn't be cheating"

my brain is coming up with bigger and dirtier fantasies

until I'm right at the point of no return

I get up
and go to the bathroom
and then go get my laptop

to email my dirty fantasies off to him

he'll like that
no sweet cuddly email
but a hot one

covered in need

I wrote until I mangaged to make myself a bit late today

more torture -but still compliant -- by a hair.

craven cunt.

manual dyslexia

I had to run home today to make more marinade for the dinner at work

I opened up the beer -- and instead of putting the cap in the empty 6 pack holder and pouring the beer into the marinade -- I did the opposite

yeah

I've invented a new disorder.

that's a gift.

The Shower

The first night here my Mom wanted to take a shower -- first shower in the new house

I told her to knock herself out.

so she went in and ran the water -- and it ran and ran and ran

and it never got above luke warm

which where we live on a warm day is just how it comes out of the ground
there's no cold water from the tap until Novemberish

so Dad and I went to the hot water heater and the arrow was all the way over to the left

I couldn't see the numbers very well
but I moved it to the middle -- and it warmed up a bit for the next day

and every day
I moved the dial a bit more to the right

and

it just didn't get any better

no better at all

I finally contacted the landlords who asked me to take a photo of the dial

yeah

I pushed aside the insulation

and son of a bitch

I was making the water colder every day
every day

I have no idea why Mom wasn't burned by the super hot water
perhaps it was turned too far?

who knows

not the point of this story

the point is that I got stuck on an idea

that higher must logically be to the right
that the water was getting warmer as I did -- even though it was getting colder

and I wonder how often we do this
convince ourselves of something

just because it fits our picture of the way things work.


hmmmm

Where I live

When I got married -- a 1000 years ago now

I was so young

the Ex and I each made a list of 5 places we never wanted to live

the agreement was -- if it made 1 list -- and we had an opportunity there - that we would give it 5 years and if it wasn't working we would move.  If it made both lists -- we would not live there

NY was on that list -- and we gave it 5 years before NY beat us -- and we cried Uncle.
Where I live now -- made both lists

and after moving to a city that was on the "yes" list -- and finding outselves out of work -- and struggling

an opportunity cropped up where I live now -- and I had to take it.

I've lived here 12 years

I spent a lot of the first few years being surprised that I didn't hate it -- but then settled in to it

it's a lovely place to live
not the greatest place to visit -- but a lovely place to live

on my drive back from the BFE -- I realized that I had been in a part of the state I have never visited -- it was all trees turning fall colors

with pine trees breaking up the pattern

lakes

it's the edge of where it turns swampy

my parents live where there are rolling hills

Mom grew up where it's dry and hot

all in the same state

I pulled into a Sonic -- for a Rte 44 Cherry Dr. Pepper -- and an order of fried pickles

and think about how much I like where I live

After 'doubts'

I wrote the post on doubts

and  -- then went back and added the post script to the post about social anxiety -- that I wasn't going

I was going to camp on the couch -- and feel mopey

I get a morning text from M

Why no church baby?

Changed my mind
not feeling like jumping in and being social today

you ok?

(bastard knows there's something up)

Yes...social anxiety just got the best of me
I will set a new goal

I'm sorry love

It's ok -- sometimes I have false starts
(see me trying to make light of it -- I'm crying at this point)

Just do things in your own time as you feel good about them

But don't get down on yourself about them either

You know me well

I do

I finally admit to him that I feel I haven't done my best

which results in an emotional phone call

where he reminds me - that I'm not always going to be successful
that
pushing me is part of the point

and that if it didn't make me squirm
if I didn't struggle with it

that he wouldn't be pushing me

I pulled myself back together -- and ate something (always helpful for me)

and drank a lovely cup of earl grey

and took a nap

drop bites.

2nd Annual Blogger's Cookie exchange

JZ and I were chatting the other day and we remembered -- holy cow -- time for the 2nd annual bloggers cookie exchange!


Last year we had about 23 bloggers -- and we hope to get some more in the mix this year 


(oh -- boo -- hopefully there won't be too many more accidental puns)

The actual day to post recipes will be December 7th -- to allow people time to use each other's recipes if we want to -- and to make sure there's a guide to all the recipes -- the deadline for joining is December 5th

If you want to play with us -- "email Jz by Dec. 5th 

Jz has created an exclusive blog where all of our recipes will be gathered (she's a sucker for punishment -- oh -- wait -- yeah -- it makes sense -- we are a bit masochistic)

Here's hoping we can double our numbers!

doubts

Sometimes I think I'm not good enough

not tough enough
not dark enough
not resilient enough

I worry that when I panic
he's rolling his eyes

I worry that he'll grow tired of me
that

that he'll realize that I am very limited

and

decide I'm not what he wants

He'll decide I'm a baby

and I'm not very much fun

and

that he doesn't love me

he was temporarily enamored

but like a mild case of the flu

that he's recovered

and move forward

I imagine I'll be some fond memory

to be taken out of the box
and turned in his mind

the sweet girl that wasn't quite enough
but that was there for him in a tough time

sweet girl -- I wonder where she is now

I think

I think in these moments that this is inevitable.

that

I'm just never going to be what he wants

the rational part of me says, "shh shh shh -- this is because your limits have been pushed"

"and you were pushed to the breaking point"

but in those moments -- I don't listen to her

I think about me
panicking

pushing him away

I wonder if these moments of doubt aren't a way for me to prepare myself
for the end

because while I'm carving myself up inside
I'm also talking to myself about what happens after that

how I heal
and move on

and that if he doesn't want this flawed limited woman
well

then he doesn't want me afterall

is worry a coping mechanism?
or just a negative weapon we use to damage ourselves?

all I know
is that I want more than anything

to hear his voice
and have it drown out that other voice in my head

and quiet my doubts

(written Sunday morning)

Social Anxiety

(I'll return to the writing about my weekend shortly -- but in the meantime - enjoy this panic attack)

I hate hate hate it

I hate my social anxiety

I do just fine at work

but put me in a non-work social setting

tell me to "go make new friends and have a good time"

I feel like I'm facing a firing squad

it's Sunday Morning -- and I've promised myself that I'm going to go find myself a church home

and

get back out there

meet people

build up my community

and I'm just

terrified

it would be so easy to say

I'm sore from yesterday (I am -- I really am)

and I have too much to do

and the church I've chosen to shop is far away

and it's in a snootier neighborhood than I like

and

I'll go
and no one will talk to me

and I'll leave feeling that -- well -- that my social anxiety voice was right
and it reinforces that putting yourself into new group settings
is wrong

and stupid

why do I want a community anyway

I have my blog community -- that's good right?

who needs it?

sigh

get up SFP

go take a shower

go make new friends

smile

say hello to at least 4 people

and it'll be over in a few hours.

sigh

(Post Script -- I didn't go -- instead I had a mopefest at home ---anxiety won -  I will try again)

Fight and Flight

After being fucked

shoot

I don't know how many times

enough that my pussy is sore

but not broken

we're dirty
we need showers

we smell

but I'm still a bit wiggly
and when his hand creeps down between my legs

I move myself up on the bed to give him more space

he's been threatening a fisting for sometime

and as I remember this -- I gush

I'm sure some people gush more during orgasm
for me?

it's a precursor

I'm half on one hip
and I feel is run down my thigh

he smears his hand over my leg
coating it

and begins to fuck me

with one finger

then two

and three

and four

pushing into me

sometimes slow
sometimes fast

and it's some combination of cumming and
squirming in pain

and I'm crying a bit
but I don't want it to stop
and I'm desperate for it to stop

and my body shuts down
stops

stops enjoying it
stops responding

moves into survival mode

and he picks up on this and withdraws
and comforts me by laying on top of me
in between my legs
head resting on me
as I caress his fuzzy head

and he turns his head
and starts to kiss my belly
and then nip

and I can't control myself

he bites so hard
I put my hands on my belly
squeezing them in between us
crying out "no"

as he nips and bites

he captures my hands and pins them down

and I fall apart

cornered
fighting him off
crawling into myself

sigh

it happens sometimes

I'm left feeling a failure
which is silly

but I felt sad
and cried a bit

and then slowly
came back to us.

Wake me up the best way

We fell asleep

and about 530 - I woke up

he's across the bed
sleeping half on his side
half on his stomach

and I decide

to be brave and initiate

yes -- I have to work at it

back when I was married my ex told me he liked it when women initiated sex
and every time I tried?
he turned me down

(yes -- yet another reason why sfp's ex husband was a tool)

and it taught me never to do that.

so I snuggle up

and reach around

and can just reach a bit of
soft skin

I give it a gentle touch

nothing

and I get a bit more brave

and

(laughing)

he rolls over onto his belly

I almost wake him with my giggles

I roll back over

lecture myself that M is not the ex

and try again

this time

waking him up the best way

Corner Time - continued

He mocks me a bit

as I'm humping his leg

and I'm past embarrassment

he tells me to get on my knees on the chair

I turn around

still blindfolded
but somehow not struggling with the darkness

he has me

I'm kneeling on the chair

hands on the wall in the corner to keep the chair from tipping over

No he says

stick out your ass

I bend so my breasts are against the back of the chair
I present myself

and he slaps my ass -- sticking out -- asking to be spanked
fucked

I'm dripping wet

he trails his cock between my legs

coating it

and presses it against my ass

and I whimper again

"I'm not ready" I think

he scolds gently, "be a good girl"

and I relax

as he slides into my ass

and fucks me

not down the road

not hours into saying hello

he walks in the room

and fucks my ass

Corner Time

There I am

in the corner
cuffs on ankles and wrists

in my panties

and the door opens

and although I'm blindfolded
I can see it

I can see the bags he's carrying
hit the floor

and he crosses over to me
and I feel him standing close

and he pinches my left nipple hard
pulling

I have my hands on my thighs and I keep them anchored there
but my feet go up on my toes as I whimper

wimp

I expect the same on the other side -- but instead he takes a big handfull and squeezes card
curling my toes again

he has me put my hands behind me
behind the chair

I can just hook my fingers together around the back

he moves away from me -- and strips
the sound of zippers
and pants heavily hitting the floor

He's back
so quickly
crop in hand

putting it to good use
but carefully

smacking my swollen pussy
aching away
as it has been the whole drive there

and during the long wait in the dark

he pushes the flexible tip under my ass -- pushing the hard rod up between my legs
into my clit

I whimper and squirm

and shortly -- it's replaced

his foot - wedges underneath me
toes wiggling a bit under my ass

and I feel -- yes

humiliated

because I know I'm about to hump his leg

that the slut in me has taken over
and I'll be pushing up

hard against his shin

I gush a bit

half from the pressure
no

more than half from the realization that rational-me has left the building

leaving the slut
the craven bitch

humping at her masters leg

Floating

I took my time on my way to go see him -- traffic on Friday night where-I-live is horrible.

It took me over an hour to escape the city limits

after a few more miles

I found myself coasting

floating through the darkness
past an almost full moon

I turned the radio off to focus

Tony Orlando and Dawn isn't exactly pre-scene music.

So it was just me
and the tires singing on the tarmac

driving into the darkness

I found myself there -- in the middle of nowhere
requesting the key left for me

and settled in to wait

the business he was schedule to conduct
was postponed to today

so he headed my way sooner than expected

I had my instructions


panties, cuffs on wrists, ankles, blindfolded, sitting the the chair by the window

ETA? I text

30

I kill 20 minutes going through hotel room channels in THE hotel in this tiny town (the big town up the road has 1800 people -- not sure how many this one had -- less for sure)

and I start to worry I won't be set

I put on cuffs
strip down

set up the blindfold
and get in my chair

and I think to myself

5 minutes (at least) -- will feel like an eternity

and I focus on my breath

I count them

Breathe in - 1
and remind myself why I trust and love him on the exhale
He protects me

Breathe in 2
exhale - He thinks I'm smart

Breathing in
and out

to the count of 50

and before I know it

he's at the door

and we begin.

Preparations

I'm leaving in about 20 minutes to go see him.

It's a rare Friday night visit -- just for the day -- I'll be back here tomorrow night

and

he's in a dark mood

I've been promised that I will receive pain
and I will learn what it is to be property

last night he sent me to bed
told me to get some sleep
and that he loved me

but that was not going to change anything that was going to happen

which fills me with a combination of anxiety and excitement

I've barely been able to keep my mind on work today
the thought of going there

he has some work to finish after he gets there
and I am imagining

sitting at his feet as he types away
naked
in silence

I have another image

of me

tied down
blindfolded
kept in darkness and silence
reminded on occasion
that I am to be silent
or motionless

with the crop
and a sharp word

for the 30 or 45 or 60 minutes
he needs to finish his work

with just my mind working away
in the silence

yes

that's my fantasy

we'll see in a few hours
(as I have to drive to the BFE)

what he really has in store for me

could be HBO with closed captioning on while he works
could be pain and humiliation

stay tuned.

Moving On

Mr C posted something on his FB about Love

and I knew

Mr. C is in Love

I touched base

and sure enough

He's in love

long distance love

with a girl from Minnesota

and I'm very happy for him
we were very important in each other's lives

I learned that I could love again
and He learned he could love
he could express love
and he could even -- move on from love

something he could never do

I'll never stop loving him
but I realized that over the past year
it's changed
into what it needed to be

lovely

Happy Love our Lurkers day

ok -- I miss Love our Lurkers day every day

I usually post late and don't get any lurkers

so -- this year for Love our Lurkers day -- I'll write about anything the lurkers want to know about -- anything at all (you know -- within reason) -- if it's posted by a lurker today

so -- here's your chance

I'm not sure if I have any dark secrets left -- but maybe you can ferret them out

at any rate

thanks for reading -- it's nice to know you're out there

sfp

Marked

I have his name on me

Like I'm his underpants at camp

so I won't get lost

I typed that being funny

but

that sort of is why he had me write his name on me

so I wouldn't get lost

it's been a tough week

and getting lost is a possibility

I've been poking at him for days

asking him for his control
asking him for darkness

to bring his worst

but what I need

is a lamp post
so I don't get lost

so I stay rooted

so I know where I belong

he knows what I need.

he knows what I need.

Story Time

M sent me another story

again -- I wish I was allowed to share them -- but they are not mine

they are his

this is one that he hesitated to send to me

too dark
too scary he thinks

I asked if he wrote it from me

he said, "No, love -- 2 years ago"

which comforted me -- it's not what he desires to do
to me
but a dark fantasy

which makes it feel differently

the girl

she's just a girl
not me

he sent me the first part of it

and it is

it is dark

it's a story of abduction and rape

I had been poking the bear all night

we've had a longer break than usual
and
I am craving a bit of darkness

since then

since then I'm on overdrive

and all of you are writing your wonderful blogs

and keeping the engine humming

I'm off to see my man on Friday night

it can't come soon enough

Psychic

I saw a psychic once

many years ago

It must have been -- I don't know - -maybe 1995 or 1996

I had been married for a few years

and I had a false pregnancy in 1994 -- I stopped getting my periods -- and had symptoms of pregnancy -- but no pregnancy -- I had been told that I might be infertile at that time

which ended up being true -- but at the time was based on almost no evidence at all

I wanted very much to have a child -- if I hadn't wanted kids -- I most likely would not have married at all -- we started trying to get pregnant in 1993 -- so I was a years into the attempt -- but had not yet lost the first pregnancy

A friend of mine who is a big believer wanted to go to a psychic -- and thought it would be a nice treat to take me

I'm not a believer in psychics -- I think it's a load of crap -- I think they're con-men and women who can look at you -- and make some guesses -- and based on the reactions they see -- tiny reactions -- and grab a hold of that information to tell you something you want to hear -- something that will touch you -- something that will draw you back to see them again and again

anyway

I conceded -- what the hell -- it would be fun to see some hokum

She told me a few things

She said that she sees the number 7
that she didn't know if it meant 1997
or
seven years

but that the number 7 was significant

and she said she saw a child
that there was a boy -- and perhaps another child that I might never know
and that this child would be artistic
and very close to my mother.

and it brought me to tears at the time
which I often did at the time -- I'm a weeper

I'm writing about it --because it stuck with me
perhaps because I was pregnant not long from then
and lost it

and I think about how powerful these people are
how I could have gotten sucked in so easily

that there was a lot of mystery in what she said that might have drawn me in

and

(laughing)

before any of you start to tell me that she was the real deal
I have no reason to believe that she was anything other than
a minor con-woman

I wanted to tell someone this story
that I've never told

because I thought of it

in 1997

and in 2003 (7 years)

and in 2007

and now

and even thought it was a load of crap
it was still a powerful moment
that's lasted with me a long long time.

Sir-prize

M isn't really big on overt domliness long distance.

For the most part we keep it pretty vanilla when we're apart
we are sweet and loving to each other

but it lacks that control that many of the sub sisters write about

I'm jealous at times
I miss it

being apart -- I miss having the sub itch scratched

today -- we were texting
things turned a little racy

but not overly so

and all of a sudden

Put the clamps on your pussy lips

oh-- my -- um -- ok

I scurry off to put a towel down on the bed and get my clamps

Yes Sir (I finally type)  Your girl is clamped

I sent him a photo

And sitting in her wet spot?

Yes I admit

he has me describe how it feels

and suggests, "perhaps I should put your face in it when I fuck you"

(my my -- things are taking a different turn)

"reminding you sometimes you are just a soaked needy slut"

he asks me is I feel ashamed or proud

and I think about this

clamped
gushing

I do not feel ashamed
would I be ashamed with my face in my wet spot?

I think not

humbled I offer

My girl should be proud in those humbling moments -- where she is simply for use

and he ushers me through 3 orgasms

pain mixed with pleasure

completely in control of me

and left me
filled
and complete.

a lovely surprise.

Girls vs Boys

I have a lot of choices to make

when I started my process I thought I knew what I wanted -- I wanted a girl between the ages of 2 and 8 -- relatively healthy with at most a few special needs

I'm single -- and I have to know my limitations

as I've gone through the process -- those parameters have opened up.

I hate to say that I won't consider a boy -- or an older child -- or more than one

but it's caused a complication --

because I do have to choose

I do have to express preferences

Last year when the kiddo was living with me -- she said something interesting out of the blue one day

"You should get a girl -- you're too sweet for a boy"

lol

My kiddo comes from a pretty tough place - -where parents teach their kids to be pretty tough

but I do think that I would be a better mom to girls

because I lack strong men in my day to day life for a boy to look up to

don't get me wrong -- if you're a woman who has boys -- I'm not saying that you're not the best mom ever for them

I'm saying that I don't think that I have the boy mojo

whatever that is -- I wish my brother lived closer.

you know of course

this means that it'll be a boy for sure

because that's how things work

sfp

Love -- it's going around

There's a lot of talk about love going around blog-ville

and I may as well chime in

since I'm feeling pretty lovey dovey

My thoughts on this whole D/s Love thing is that the scary thing

is that it can imitate love

that the intensity that we feel in that moment
that amazing focus
that he can block out everything else on the planet

yes

that can feel like love

that those endorphins?
they can feel like love

so it makes you wonder

with all this intensity -- how do you know when it's love?

I'm not sure I have the answer for that

all I know?

it feels like love
so
fuck it
it doesn't really matter

Shopping

Here where I live there's a website of kids

I imagine that's how it is everywhere

it's a big odd -- but I understand that's the best tool they have.

there are sisters that I'm continually drawn to

they're 12 and 14 -- I remember seeing them online when they were 10 and 12

and it makes me sad that they're still there

but there's lots of kids who've been waiting for a long time

I wonder why I'm so drawn to these two

and I'm not even sure I want to adopt children that age

but there they are

in their photo

looking like my kids

horrible day at work

horrible
horrible
horrible

and I hate that I have no where to talk about it

it was just

well

horrible

tomorrow is another day

and I hate to say it
but

it's going to be horrible too

sigh

horrible.

My Lover the Car

Yes -- I know no one will get the Jerry Van Dyke reference -- but I can't help it -- it struck me funny

I had a dream

In my dream I was at my corporate office at a meeting -- when I left it was dark and I was looking for my car

everywhere

and it was gone gone gone

One of the places I looked was at this strange parking service that had multiple levels -- waaay in the back was a sort of repair garage -- I worked my way back

searching
searching
searching for my car

panicked

waaay in the back -- covered with a tarp was a very fancy car -- it looked like it had a Rolls Royce grill -- just past it was some sort of pharmacy (yes -- it's a dream -- weird shit happens)

the car was purplish and shiny and had a Honda emblem on it -- I reached my palm forward to caress it -- and it reached one of it's headlights out to meet my palm

I was startled
but I also felt a need to rescue it -- (something about the people in the pharmacy owning the car and being bad people

so I got in the car -- which had morphed into some sort of hot rod and took off

when i got out of the car -- suddenly this big man who was faintly reminiscent of a hot Mr. Clean is next to me -- and we're looking for a place to be private -- we found an old brick shed and he grabs me by the hair
and strips off my skirt and hammers into me

and I woke up

very very frustrated -- just in time to get ready for work

Meltdown

So I had a meltdown last night

and who was there?

yup

my guy.

A 6 kleenex meltdown -- snot included

and there he was
letting me let it out

sharing with me a moment of his own vulnerability
expressing his confidence

when I met him he tried to convince me that he was selfish

because he wants what he wants the way he wants it

I guess that's one definition of selfish

but to me -- selfish is wanting what you want
and giving nothing in return

over and over again
I feel like I get more than I give

so give me my selfish dom
any day of the week