Women are from Venus, Men are irrational and emotional

So

You know I've been frustrated with BB

in a nutshell - you can't ask me to start asking for permission to do everything - but then essentially barely contact me for 5 days.

so when he called tonight

I told him that

I am not sure you have time for me
and
maybe we've rushed things and should just back up and see where things go

and he got defensive
and hurt

he told me that, "I you have doubts, I'll back off - the ball's in your court"

and I told him that "no - the ball's in YOUR court - if you want to see me - you should call me, but right now I'm not even sure if you're interested"

He was frustrated at me
and not really listening

and pretty much pushed me off the phone.

which left me in tears.

I hate hurting someone's feelings
and I hate that I bruised his ego

but

if he can't handle me expressing a concern
telling him that things aren't working right for me?

can he possibly be the right Dom for me?

and I throwing away a perfectly good man

yes

I most likely am

but here's the truth

If I want to be with a man who's not available to see me
who doesn't make time for me

there's a perfectly good one
that I love with all my heart
that I just broke up with

I don't need me another one.

Diego

I have a friend, Diego.

I started chatting with him a few weeks ago

actually maybe about the same time I started to chat with BB

and he's been really helpful and supportive through this process.
and through some tough things that are going on at work.

He's seeing someone
and I'm wrapped up in trying things out with BB

so seeing each other hasn't been on the table.

as I get more and more frustrated with BB
Diego's been counseling patience

even though
I sort of think

I more than think
that Diego doesn't really want things to play out with BB

I think he wants me as I am
available to chat
and tease
and flirt with

I think he wants me as a possibility

I sort of like him as a possibility too
but he's smart enough to let this play out
and not pour poison in my ear

So

today is Thursday
and BB's
well

BB called me last night for exactly 4 minutes
before he got a business call he had to take
but

y'all

He's too busy to send me a text?
really?

haven't I been down this road before with M?
too busy to see me

but even M called me every day
took 10 seconds to think of me and send a text

A sub cannot submit without a Dom

He is such a wonderful man when I get a taste of him
but if I wanted an absent wonderful man -- I could have stayed with M
who I love

Inauspicious beginnings

So BB and I met on Saturday

and we've texted a bit
and had some rushed phone calls

but there hasn't been an extended call since then

and it's Wednesday.

we're both busy people with lots on our place
and

I do think he's interested

but I don't know if he has the time for what he wants
last night he took his son to a game

and I touched base via text
but

I needed sleep before he was home again and able to call

I've decided that my plan to give this to Feb 1 is a sound one.

we'll either have a plan to meet -- or we won't
and

we'll see.

He's a good man
and I like him

but is he too much like M with too many commitments to really see me?

or like B

(oh -- apparently I told B "you don't have time to fuck me, you certainly don't have time to talk to me" -- ouch -- what a bitch

who is ending up keeping his deal to stay friends
which is cool.)

BB did warn me that Tuesday was going to be a crazy day for him
but
I'm feeling a bit let down - anyway

I'll give this a few more days
and then

I'll have to decide

there has to be a balance between a man who doesn't contact me enough and a man who wants to wear my skin as a hat.

New Readers

Someone's been reading my blog (stat counter is cool)

in fact

she (I think it's a she -- but I could be wrong) - she read my entire blog in about a day and 1/2

all of it

and

um

well it's strange

I've been thinking about what it would be to read this entire blog
the entire 3 years

in a sitting

a bit strange as I've deleted much of 2010 and 2011 -- things I did not wish to remember

but I've been thinking about the emotional rollercoaster ride it's been

to read them
one right after the other

I wonder how it makes you feel?

I've done the same thing with a series that I never watched - -I did it with The West Wing -- watching them back to back to back

drinking them in gulps

when read this way -- I must seem like a strange perverted soap opera

and when you get to today
it must feel jarring

as it screeches to a halt and now has to be read in real time.

and now I imagine her reading it -- today -- and thinking -- how surreal it is to read about herself (or himself)

at the same time
something odd has happened.

Mr. C's fiance has asked to read the blog
and I have given it to her
and have given him leave to read it as well

she's feeling a bit lonely in subland
and they both thought that blogs might help

I know she has gone back and read some of the Mr. C stuff -- the worst of it is locked away in the old blog --
and how strange it must feel to read someone else's opinions of the man you love

the man that she knows better than I ever knew him

how odd

all of this thinking about readers
makes me think about the way I write

and

makes me so much more aware of the strangeness of the way I write

because - -yes -  I know it's strange -

I write the way the words form in my head

like a Def Jam Poet

and I wonder
what those two types of readers take from it

One reader - -who only knows of me what she reads -- and who has been drinking form the fire hose

and the other two readers who know me -- or know the topic - too too well - and read their own subtext into the words

ultimately

I will always blog for me
but

it's interesting to think for a few minutes
about them

and about you

and our very unusual relationship -- carried out right here as you fill in the spaces between the words and flesh me out.

Inspired blogger Award

So

I got an award from JZ -- and as I posted in her comments

I'm not sure if I'm pleased -- or pissed - because I always feel as if I got a chain letter and I hate to break it

but I will

at the same time -- it's lovely to have someone think of me - -particularly since my readers are an exclusive bunch

I'm ungoogleable on purpose.
so you have to know someone to get in

like an exclusive club.

So - I guess there's some rules
which

well - I'll do some of them

hmm - being a bitch about this might be why I don't get nominated much

There are, of course, Official Rules.
   1. Display the award logo on your blog.
   2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
   
   3. State 7 things about yourself.
   
   4. Nominate 15 other bloggers and link to them.
   
   5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and requirements.


I have displayed the lovely award -- (yay whoever for designing it - very pretty)




and let's see -- 7 things about myself.

1.  I can't properly paint my own toenails because my boobs get in the way.  Yeah -- seriously -- they're irritating.  I wish I could unscrew them from time to time and put them on the bedside table.  I mean - -men love them  and they balance out my fat ass and make me look all hourglassy (as I like to say - an hourglass with LOTS of sand) - but sometimes?  a girl just wants to paint her toes.

2.  I really really really like a quiet house.  I mean - QUIET.  right now - the only sound in my house is the clock ticking in my bathroom and the keys clicking on my keyboard.  I love that I can hear a dog from several houses over -- and little sounds outside.  Often - there's no TV.  No music - just silence.

3.  A number one pet peeve -- tapping.  Not keyboard tapping -- rhythmic tapping.  A foot - a pencil -- will drive me mental - until I shout at you -- "WOULD YOU FUCKING CUT THAT SHIT OUT!"  oh - and it only takes about 4 or 5 taps.  

4.  The oldest piece of clothing I have (and can still wear) is a college sweatshirt.  It was HUGE on me when I bought it -- and I love it -- although it's embarrassing to wear it now -- sometimes I just can't help it.

5.  I could be on hoarders.  Well - just my garage -- but I could.  

6.  I am terrified of electricity -- irrationally so.  When I was a girl my Mom told me a story about these 3 little girls who were killed taking a bath - the girls knocked a lamp into the tub and they all died.  I was seven when I heard this story - and now?  I can't blow dry my hair if the toilet seat is up.....Thanks Mom.

7.  When I can't sleep -- I tell myself stories I know very very well -- from the viewpoint of other characters in the book.  (I think I've told this one before - -but WTF - it's my blog) -- So I'll tell Pride and Prejudice to myself from the viewpoint of Caroline Bingley (Once upon a time my brother rented a dreadful house in the dreary countryside - where there was no society at all.  Thank goodness Darcy came with us -- we met the most common family with 5 horrible daughters -- and my dear brother Charles was just smitten with one of them - how horrible.....)

Nominate 15 bloggers

ok

so

I don't read 15 blogs.

so instead -- I'm going to thank my commenters that have kept me blogging and made me feel like I'm not talking to myself - Aisha, Nilla, H, Hedone, DV (mmmmmmm DV), Malcolm, Faithful, Sin, PP, Jz, Turiya, Fiona, Florida Dom, Nick, Lily (who wrote my first comment ever and let me know I'm not alone  -- she doesn't read me anymore - but I still remember her), Little Monkey, David, Alice, GG, mouse -- and the new readers who've commented here and there and shit -- all the people I forgot to list - crap.

You are all a bit part of why I write -- 

yes -- I do write for myself - but I write as well because there is someone to read
someone who will say

Yes - -that's how I am

or 

JEEZUS H CHRIST - are you fucking crazy?!??!

So thank you to each of you for being here when I needed you
and for continuing to be here.

and I hope

sometimes - something I write touches you
and makes you feel less alone too.

Insecurity?

I have been struggling with what to write.

BB and I met on Saturday
and I have my bruised bottom as evidence.

and we did not talk on Sunday

we texted

but we never got to talk.

He had family things planned
and so did I

and we talked about talking
but it didn't happen

he was either busy when I called
or asleep

and so I thought

How do I feel?

Here I am -- over a day later -- spanked by someone I just met
and no talk the next day

So I feel Insecure?
hmmm

I've been trying it on for size -- the idea that he didn't like me as much as I liked him.
the idea that maybe because I couldn't take everything he had to give on Satuday that he is bored already

but it doesn't quite fit.
I don't really feel insecure about that
if he doesn't actually like me
(shrugs)
then he's not the man I thought he was --
so I don't want him

but that's not the case

Do I feel happy?
no

Happy isn't quite right - there's a lot of things going on in my life right now that get in the way of "happy"
and I think of happy as a very etherial feeling

you don't get to hold on to happy endlessly
but as long as you hover near happy -- and touch it from time to time-- you will have a good life.

I'm not frustrated
or irritated
or impatient

I guess I just feel content and centered

yes

CENTERED

that's what I'm feeling

I have had the much needed beating
and no -- it wasn't how I imagined it
but I took it up to my limit

and yes - my threshold is small at this point
I barely know him

and I feel centered.
my brain is quiet
my bottom is sore

and I am ready for whatever the world brings me

oh -- my -- goodness

So BB let me know that he had an opportunity to meet me tonight (Saturday) instead of Sunday....and we both jumped at it

I went to a local community game night and then went over to where he was staying

we went to get a snack and we chatted

well -- BB chatted- - he's passionate about a lot of things
I listened - and joined in here and there

and he's the same guy I know from the phone

but he's a cool cat
hard to read

we were in my car - we headed back to his hotel (he actually lives far enough away that it was worthwhile for him to stay closer -- but he had the kiddo with him - so we didn't have privacy

or did we

I parked the car
and I thought he was going to get out and go in

but instead

he pulled me in
and kissed me on the forehead
and put my head on his shoulder

and one thing lead to another

and we got very

very

close

while I was leaned way over
my behind elevated off my carseat

he proceeded to work on reducing my debt of spanks

If you're keeping score I owe him 99 today

and he ticked off 66 of them in the car

I was grateful they were through jeans as even with a bad angle
he can really wallop a girl

and thing progressed
and then went a bit too far
until I was freaking out
and in tears

and he just picked me back up
and put me back together again

will we be together
are we a fit?

well

he's a fit for me
and if he calls again
I'll say that I'm a fit for him

in the meantime

I have a big purple bruise on my behind
shockingly earned
through jeans
in the mom mobile

God knows what I'll find tomorrow

squeeeeeee!

sfp

Through the Loupe

My Ex taught me how to use a loupe to examine diamonds using a loupe.

how to find the specks and flaws in a diamond to evaluate it's worth.

He taught me that when you're examining diamonds say for earrings -- it's not as important if they have a few flaws -- you're looking at how they sparkle more than anything else --

and in fact

color match on earrings should be close -- but don't have to be insanely perfect -- because they reside on either side of the head -- and aren't seen right next to each other.

But a diamond for a ring
needs to be as flawless as you can get it
and any side diamonds need to be very close in color
or they will stand out

(stay with me on this one)

Recently, I've been asked why I choose partners who are emotionally unavailable -- or who are not matches for me long term -- why do I knowingly select for this

and yeah

I do

right?

and I've decided I don't want that any more.

so when choosing a partner in the past - I would look through my relationship loupe and would say, "Sure- - he's long distance - - but I adore him -- and we can make that work"

But now that I'm trying to focus on someone who's more long term
who might be

ewwwwwww I almost typed "The One" - yuck - -ok -- NOT the ONE

how about

who might be a long term equal partner

oh

fuck it

ok

who might be The One

I am giving them the full on RING DIAMOND examination

and it's easy to come up with reasons why not to choose someone.

super easy

Lives too Far
Wants too much dominance
Doesn't have a job
Thinks Jerry Springer is Funny
Takes me to the Book and Bar

all   -- easy disqualifiers

and then I come to BB
and
I've been louping pretty closely this week

and it occurred to me this morning
that I'm looking for a reason to discard him.

whaaaat?
why would I do that?

Didn't I want to find "the ONE"?

So I've been looking at all the angles

and I even Jumped to a conclusion about something this week
that slipped my head completely out of the sub space about him

I had my big ol' AH HA! moment

and now that I've been proven wrong about that
I'm going to have to figure out why
I seem to want to find something wrong so badly.

Is it that I'm afraid of getting my heart ripped out?
 -- Yeah - a bit.  That really sucks

Is it it that I'm afraid he won't really like me when he meets me and I'll be rejected
 -- Sure -- some - -but that'll be brief, bloggable and I'll move on

or

Is it that I'm afraid he WILL be the ONE and I'll change everything I ever said I wanted - that I'll end up with a different path in my life than I thought I would

oh

well

maybe it's that.

So

I'm going to put the loupe away for a bit.

I am meeting BB on Sunday
tomorrow.
and he's my friend
I like him
he likes me

and this is all that's important.

and we'll like each other
or we won't

but it won't be about little tiny flaws
it'll be about the whole person

and I'll just have to put down my loupe
and look up
and I'll know.

Jinx

I've been sitting here this morning staring at a blank screen.

Struggling to know what to write

BB and I are growing closer and closer
part of it is being allowed to slip into that first layer of submission

it's comforting

and I'm finding myself more open to talk about my life
and let him in

part of it is that I'm going through a stressful time at work
and I'm vulnerable

and I think he responds to that
in that natural protective way


part of it is that I'm allowing myself to picture a future where we could be together

he says he wants to find his best friend
and that's what I want too

and every conversation highlights the ways in which we are compatible
and makes the ways in which we are different less and less important.

and

I'm not sure I want to jinx anything with us

to project too much
about what I'm hoping

BB would tell you that this is all about me putting an big IF in the middle of things

and

maybe I am a bit

maybe I'm distancing myself from the idea that this guy could be the one that I'm looking for
someone who could be a real partner to me

because if I allow myself to really feel that fantasy
to imagine it
to start really wanting it
and feeling it

that I could be more deeply disappointed.

all I know is

I want it to be him
not because I don't want to look any more
not because I want to jump to the next thing
but because

he feels so very very right to me.

Trying things on for size

We had our long conversation last night
about what he's like

what he wants to control

and he says it's a lot

Not work
or family
or church
or money

but much of the rest of it

Not to micromanage -- but to have a say over things that are outside my normal routine

and he was specific

"some friends"

meaning -- IMO (but I haven't asked) - men friends or maybe friends that he perceives to be a bad influence.

so - here's some of our conversation today

Me:  I have shut down CM until we decide, to eliminate other distractions

BB:  Ok, that's a good thing

Me:  Yes....I think so too...if we don't happen, I can turn it back on.

ok -- so I should have just shut the fuck up.
because he hates when I do this
when I put "IFs" around us being together
He's a "power of positive thinking guy"

BB:  There you go with the "if we don't happen".  I tell you what -- turn it bak on and if we do happen then turn it off.

Me: (backpeddling wildly)  I don't wish to.  May I take it back?

BB:  No you may not take it back.  I see you always feel the need to let me know if might not work - as if I need to be reminded constantly.

so I did turn it back on
and notified him of it
and was unhappy about it.
and expressed that I only am trying to show that I'm not putting pressure on things

later on

BB:  So start today.  Call me "Daddy" - also start asking permission

(by which he means for anything out of the ordinary)

and this makes me feel all warm and fuzzy again
and I asked for permission for a shopping trip this afternoon and was granted it.

**********

So -- we're off -- I'm going to try this out -- see how it feels.
right now it's harmless
and
he's a good solid man



and that space you see right there?
that was me avoiding saying "if we don't work out"

which I clearly need to wipe out of my vocabulary

sfp

Call me Daddy

I've been talking to BB for about a month

and as of the writing of this we haven't met.

yet

and we will or we won't

and I'm not one to get all Manti Te'o over this

if he's a faker - he is - and it'll be bloggable and that'll be that

but he's not
he might not be for me
but he's a real person

He was commenting on the phone on Saturday night that I have a lot of layers
and I wonder if he's dated many women who have a lot of depth

today he found out a blog too
and I think it took him back a bit

not that I blog
but

that there's even more there that he doesn't know about

we debated religion and abortion and women's rights last night
in a friendly sort of way

it's the phone call that made it clear that there was no point in waiting to decide anything on The Cowboy -that I wanted a strong connection like the one with BB or nothing

and then this morning chatting back and forth through text

I mentioned I might have to "do something" about how excited I was

and we ended up on the phone

surprising that this is the first time we've gotten off on the phone together

there was a shot at it once before -- but it didn't mesh up
and this time

this time I got to be directed by him
and get a taste of what he's like

to hear his voice in my ear
and

to have him tell me that I have to ask to cum
and when I did

he corrected my Sir to "Daddy"

I had tried Daddy on for size once before -- in a one off moment -- but Daddy's always been a bit strange for me

but

If BB becomes something more
and gets a name

that's the name that fits him

he really is a lovely man
strong
determined
spiritual
sexual

So - I've decided that he's going to get 10 days to get moving - -and either meet me or not.

no new prospects during that time - -the CM account shut down.  I'm sure I'll still hang out with TK and chat with friends -- but no one else to confuse things

Feb 1 -- all bets are off.

Catching up

ok -- some little notes on the various people in my world:

The COWBOY

I've decided the Cowboy is out

because

well - there's these little things that bug me about him -- like

• He thinks Jerry Springer is hilarious
• When I express a concern -- he's told me I should "lighten up"
• He was considering driving an hour yesterday after coming back to the ranch to play slots at the casino (really?  You want to drive to the next state to sit and feed your hard earned money into a hole in a smoky room and drink watered down liquor? -- I can give you a piggy bank and close the flue on the fireplace at home and you can get the same thing - right at home)

BB 

BB is still around -- even though he asked for another day to meet -- and is still not able to meet with me this weekend -- a family crisis.

If I didn't know for sure that he's not a scammer -- I would think he was - because that's how the scammers work -- right?  they always have a reason why you can't meet them?

and besides -- scamming me is fruitless -- if I won't go to the casino I sure as fuck won't send money to anyone.

but I still want to talk to him

and want to meet him

and as long as I can find a deep connection like that with someone

I'm not going to settle for a shallow connection with someone else.

TK

 

I had fun with TK last night -- the movies were a blast

and

yes -- he tickled the crap out of me

and 

I'm even more ticklish than I thought I was

I laughed myself into an asthma attack

aaaand because I never have those -- I didn't have my inhaler (BAAAAAD girl)

it's good for me to be touched by someone 

we all go way too much time without being touched.

The Pilot

oh- - there was this guy a few years ago who I went out with - I can't remember his name and I deleted him from the blog anyway

but

I decided he was lying to me about something

something big -- I didn't know what -- and I didn't care

He's the one that would pick me up in his car -- and drive to other side of the city (over an hour) to have a date

ashamed of me?

avoiding his wife?

looking for a place to dump my body?

I didn't know - but I ran away

and made him mad doing it.

well -- he messaged me on CM and I said I would chat - when he sent me his IM name -- I knew if

SHIT!

so I told him who I was and we'll wait to see what he says (yikes!)

 

and finally

on a bit of a sad note

The Captain

I got a message from The Captain yesterday

It just said that he had had a death in the family

it's unclear when this happened

but

explains the radio silence

well - as much as anything explains him.

the truth is -- I will always like The Captain -- he's this strong, uber dominant figure

who is more than a bit detached

but

is someone I like - and enjoy having in my life.

and I'm sorry that he's hurting.

EWWW EW EW EWEWEW ew ew ew....ew

A submissive man messaged me on CM

and I pointed out

that I'm a sub

and wouldn't be a fit

and I started chatting with him on Fet

about how to make CM work

what do women like in a message and what don't they

and he started to talk about his fetish

like you do

we all DO like to talk about our kink

fuck

we've created whole fucking blogs to it

and  I was fine until I got this message from him

No, if you allowed me the chance to explore my fetish with you, there is a 10% chance you will ask me to slide my tongue up your leg until it hits the middle. However, there is a 90% chance I will put you to sleep. I take a very long and almost anal approach to worshiping a foot, much like mowing a lawn, every stroke is overlapped. Just sucking the heel soft to remove the dead skin takes 10 min.For some, having that much attention on their feet drives them sexually mad, but for most, it calms the heart and places them in a relaxing trance

EWWWWWWWWWwwWWWwwwWWWwwwWWwwwWwwww

Seee - THAT's not an image I need to have in my head

no

No

NOOOOOOOO

I went over to hang out with TK last night who's a foot guy -- and we were both in gales of laughter over this

the lack of understanding that he's left me with a mental image I will never rid myself of.

ever

EVER

Say Hello to my friend

I hope you will all check out my friend's blog - PerfectlyPoly -- I think you'll like what you see -- and she's still a bit at the -- "why am I writing this blog to no one" stage

she has a lovely blog-voice

everyone say "hello!"

sfp

The Cowboy

The cowboy and I had lunch today

and there was some
will we
won't we in there

but he asked me to meet
and I did

and

He's a very nice
very attractive man

and I finally know what he does for a living
and yes -- it did explain why he's so darn private.

He's funny
and nice
and doesn't take the D/s thing so seriously that he thinks it has to consume every minute of every day

but

I wasn't there trembling with excitement

for a few reasons

1)  middle of my work day doesn't allow me to shift gears - and yesterday was a frisking awful day
2) there was no time to anticipate it -- I thought we were off and then once we were "on" I had about 5 minutes to talk to an employee and then run out the door
3)  Lunch was 100% vanilla and did not include a good bye kiss (more on that later) and I knew it wouldn't from the beginning.

after lunch - -I had the worst day at work ever

and the text messages were coming during my horrible day

"You sexy lil bitch...I gotcha don't I....GRINS..."

and I thought -- yeah - he sort of does -- I'm intrigued

and when I conceded -- I got my "GOOD girl" -- which is always nice

and then

"Are you truly prepared to begin this journey with me?!?  Are you prepared to be my 3 hole slut?!? If so, respond with "yes Sir" and I will send instructions via email"

so

worst fucking timing ever
because

well

A

He doesn't fucking know me yet
and

B

I'm wading in shit the whole day

and

C

I have a date this weekend with BB

yeah -- I should be done-- but I really do want to know

and I tell him so -- that I have a date (which he sort of knew from our conversations)
and

he's been mostly good about it

but

doesn't get my hesitation

because in his mind
I should jump on in
and
just find out if we're a fit or not

that I should

just try this on for size
and

lighten up

(harumph)

and

yeah -- I do need to lighten up
but

boy howdy
is it going to be a bumpy fucking road for me
because

in the past few months
and in the past year or so

I've become rather unsubmissive.

I lack humility
and
as I read the instructions that I would have started following if I had said "yes Sir"

that became clear
(refer to myself as "girl" -- fuck you man -- GIRL!")

(sigh)

like so many of us
I start to ask myself

"Am I really vanilla?"

He gave me the assignment to write my feelings and experiences from the day to him - -saying "I love to be seduced -- seduce me in your telling of it and be completely transparent"

and all I could think was

"I can be transparent -- or I can seduce you"  "I cannot do both at the same time".

My mind is filled with mixed emotions
with concerns
with
desire and want as well

and the jumble of confusion in there

is not sexy

but it is

transparent.

will I hit send?
will I tell him no?

Boys and Girls - I don't know.

Weeding

Sometimes you have to weed some out

to make room for other things to grow

today I weeded out B

the FWB

because - well - you have to be my FRIEND to be a FWB.  If the only time you contact me is when you want to get together - then you're not really my friend.

We had a long text conversation about it today
followed by a long phone conversation

that ended with me telling him I was done

which I hate

I really do hate saying "no"

as for the tall hot neighbor FM -- I haven't really heard much from him
and I'm going to let him decide what's next

maybe nothing

because

last night - -after getting a pile of new contacts
I got one from someone I'm going to call the Cowboy

and Holy Cow -- is he something else

local
a dad
direct
Domly

and so far?  he has a lot of promise

too early to tell

but I like him

We've been emailing all day

and part way through the day he changed the ID on his account from THE ONE to YOUR SIR

nice touch
he should patent that move
it was awesome



I'm also talking to someone I'll call the Teacher -- who has some promise as well

but less fire

so I'll take a day or two to narrow it down.

B wanted to hook up (I declined)
TK wants to play -- I'm stalling
and my friend is still offering me that spanking

and

I'm thinking that I would rather just keep getting to know these two nice gentlemen -- and see where it goes

more soon

Have you noticed something?

...yeah me too

I still haven't gotten my beating.

sure

I could ask FM for it

but his beating comes with a battered cervix
and

I am not sure I want to just be his fuck around the corner.

And - I'm not sure he wants to spank me just to spank me

which is sort of what I want right now.

and I have a friend who's willing to do the job.

and we're going to meet later on this week to discuss it
and work out the logistics.

and he reminded me of something important

I'm going to share it with you

This

is

supposed

to

be

fun.





oh
fuck

yeah

fun

I remember that.

I should have some of that!

The Do-Over

(after BB postponed again)

So you know that I've been talking to FM

I told him he needs to stay away from me -- because I have no self control

well

I invited him out for an ice cream

and instead he invited me in to hear him play the piano

and he is good

although his taste in the delivery of the music isn't mine -- it's still well done

and sure

he went of the booty call

and -- I told him "no - I wanted a do-over"

I wanted to talk to him more

learn more about him

spend some time with him

he scoffed a bit at me

at one point in time - pulling me down to my knees in front of him
and

still - I held fast

(yay me!)

I wanted my motherfuckingdoover

and I was getting it

and so

we talked

and yeah

I irritated him a bit
because he really wanted to fuck me

which is ok
because
he wasn't a dick when I didn't

and

I sort of want to wait until I can stand to have anyone touch my right nipple again  -- because motherfucker that thing is bruised.

so -- eventually
I put on my coat
and grabbed my purse

and when he kissed me goodbye
I kissed back
and then grabbed him by the back of the head and went in for more

which made him amp it up even more

and I walked out
with my words hanging in the air behind me

"Yeah -- I'll be back for more"

Another Delay

So those storms that I was talking about in the previous post -- delayed BB in taking his #1 son back to college.

We're tentatively reset for today after work.

and if BB doesn't make this one - he's going to move way down in the pile.

and yes- - all of the times when we made plans - they were tentative but they've all fallen through

and

let's face it

I could have stuck with M if I wanted to do that.

I did do something interesting last night

there's a person I met - -I called him TK who's fetish is feet and tickling -- although he will tickle all over -- he loves feet.

I hate being tickled
a lot

he told me it was different - and that I might like it and he would show me

so

we did

I hung out with him last night -- watched a movie (made him watch all the credits because I went to HS with someone who did graphics for the movie and I wanted to see his name (yay!))  -- and we had some PG tickling.

and

ahem

I do not hate it

not a bit

um

I had very very wet panties (and not from peeing thank you very much) at the end of it.

which was good

because I was beginning to wonder if FM had broken my pussy (with his giant cock) because I've had no interest in masturbation for days.

apparently TK had the remedy.

Domly interlude

While I was driving home from the other side of the city in a heavy rainstorm

BB:  You should get off the phone.  Call me if you hole up somewhere or when you get home.

Me:  Sure, I'll shoot you a text or call when I get there

BB:  Did I ask you to text?

Me: (sitting up straighter) No, you did not.  You asked me to call.

BB:  If I ask you to call, I want you to call, not text.

*****************

I think I've been talking to BB so long without a meeting that I've forgotten that he's a Dom.  He's very laid back in his communication style.  relaxed.

this made me think

oh.

yeah.

Dom.

right.

so we're supposed to meet tomorrow -- I don't know what time -- in the evening I think after he gets back from taking # 1 son back to college.

in other news -- my breasts have turned a disgusting shade of green with purple highlights.

stay tuned!

the restraining order

I know that I said that FM needed a new name

but he's not going to be around long enough to get one

We had a long talk tonight
and I let him know that

yes - he was delicious
and yes
I fell into submitting to him
too easily

but he's too rough for me

I told him that I knew that was the gentle version

and while to me he was being a bit cold to me and uncaring
to him -- he was giving me space for date # 2

I like him

but he's BAD for me

and I'm not good for him - because to have me he would need to be a different Dom than he wants to be.

I told him that we have a .3 mile restraining order - he needs to stay over on his street
and I'll stay on mine

because I don't trust myself anywhere near him

because he is so awesomely fuckable.
and the sub in me wants to just roll over and show him my soft underbelly

and I'm not really sure he would be able to resist turning that sub on either
and wallowing in it too

he needs to find himself a busty smart masochist
(and he's willing to take applicants -- just saying - if you can handle it - he's quite talented)

yeah

no where near him.

Does that mean that there will never be a round 2

let's not go that far

there could be a round 2
a very well negotiated
round 2

I have offered to take a photo of by breasts to attach to a disclaimer for all future subs to sign off on

and we both had a nice laugh about it

anyone want a really tall handsome italian man with giant strong (slightly brutal) hands and a huge cock?

anyone?

because I'm letting a perfectly good one go to waste

come get him.

Dom Delay

So Dom # 2's date was delayed

half him
half me

after work was just not working

and

I'm a bit tired anyway
so I wouldn't have been the best company

and

if he even grazed second base I would wince

so we'll talk tonight and make some plans

and we'll see.

I think FM might be a bit too callous for me
that I might need more of a DaddyDom type

which I'm not sure if FM has in him

and tonight

as I eat my leftover Gyro platter
I think

Cats sound like more fun than dating.

lol

but that will pass

a cup of tea
and a hot bath

and I'll be right as rain
and chatting on Yahoo Messenger again

sfp

ok -- PS - I just got off the phone with BB
and you know

I really do like that man
a lot.
He's a good man
Sunday

Sunday

Sunday

Dom #1

So - those of you who read regularly - know that I have 2 dates in 2 nights.

Dom Date # 1 aka FashionMan -- who will need a new nickname (please submit your recommendations by January 12, 7pm CT on a 3 x 5 index card addressed to Zoom Box 350, ,Boston Mass O-2-1-3-4 (send it to Zoom!))

ok

spoilers

I've been fucked silly.

but first things first.

FM (for now - until he gets a real name) lives  - I kid you not - walking distance from my house.  So - once we identified that, and chatted a bit

things got - maybe a bit too familiar

because all of a sudden, I realized that I was breaking rules
lots of rules

I let him pick me up

AT MY HOUSE

(what  a moron -- yeesssss let the sadist know where you live - because none of them ever turn out to be psycho killers)

He came by to pick me up and I invited him in -the houses on my street have a slightly different style than his area -- I showed him around and he looked at me

he looked me up and down
surveying me

and smiled
that proprietary Domly smile
and reached out a hand

his thumb on one side of my jaw
and his long fingers on the other
and held me there
and kissed me
very very completely
eventually walking me backwards until my back was against my pantry

and I started to realize that dinner might end up optional
that as he moved my hands over my head
that I was a goner.

fucked

I asked meekly if we could go out for dinner and we laughed a bit - and we headed out the door

you'll remember the greek place with the waiter who had a crush on me

we went there
crush extinguished
poor man

and had a nice dinner
he's a sit-on-the-same-side-of-the-booth-man

which is so grating with a man you don't care for
but cozy and nice with a man you like

and I drifted back over dinner
back into control

He drove us back and invited me to his place

and again
I threw the rule book out

and before I knew it -- I'm at his house -- and he's pinching my sides -- that spot that our Nilla calls her kitties

and the bastard is pinching and exploring
and I'm hanging on to the illusion that I'm still in charge

but I'm not

not even a little
and before you know it
your friend
has thrown caution to the wind

has risked being a convenient fuck
the epitome of a convenient fuck

the fuck around the corner

and was taken home
cum covered
and worn out

and covered
covered
covered
with fine bruises
that are going to be twice as bad tomorrow

leaving no chance in hell that Dom # 2 will be getting to 2nd base
as I hadn't planned to discuss Dom # 1 with Dom # 2.

So - I bet you're wondering if FM is going to be the Dom for me?

well

we'll see
we'll see if throwing every rule out the window is ok

because after all -- I've often joked that I was perfectly willing to share a zip code with a man - just not my house.

Yeah

FM needs a new name

and just in case I forgot who's in charge?
he gave me permission to masturbate one more time before bed
what a gentleman.

(I need some dang ice packs)

Dating Doms

I have a few dates

Neither of which do I think hold much promise.

FashionMan -- who I should never have made fun of -- asked me out for tonight

and I'm going

even though I had written him off.
We started to talk and discovered that I could literally walk to his house

and that opened us up to have a much more relaxed conversation -- about life, work, family -- and yes -- domination/submission.

so we're having dinner tonight at a local place (that I picked - I've lived her longer) --- and we'll see where it goes

I don't think I'm his kind of girl
I think I'm too earthy for him

no painted nails
unless you count the paint that gets splattered on them

and I only wear makeup for dates.

but we'll see.

maybe he'll surprise me.

and

I have a date with BB tomorrow night

and

yes -- the strong athletic guy sounds dreamy

but I predict that we won't have much in common
or not enough to sustain us

and

seriously

I only go into the gym to use the bathroom

who am I kidding?

do I want to be in a relationship where I can get in trouble for snacking?
because I might be willing to do some serious corner time for some chocolate cake

days even

so - I'll blog on FashionMan tonight -- who will either get a new nickname or the SFP Post-date run down

and on BB tomorrow night

and then we'll decide if I change the blog to a CatFancy blog

or a sex blog

I give it a 50/50

Casual sex

I have never actually had casual sex

never had a FWB

nope

not ever

which is not to say that I've never had a one night stand
or slept with someone I didn't love

but not on purpose

not when I knew it would go nowhere

I have never had sex for the sake of just having sex.

even when I messed around with Sandy

(yes - I know - he's been erased from the blog too)

I had a strong connection with Sandy

but B?

B is just a FWB

all he would ever be

and he's sweet
and funny
and kind

but just a friend
if that

so he came over
and yes
we had sex

and

well - it was fine
it was sex

plain
ordinary sex
with a bit of kink
but not much

the actions of kink
without the intent

and I kept thinking

I'm done now
I wonder how long this will take
and

I wish he would stop doing that

and he was giving me his A game
and there was nothing wrong with it

other than the fact that it was empty

all that being said,

I don't regret it - not one bit

it's ok to learn about yourself
and what works
and what doesn't work

for me?

this doesn't work

live and learn.

Dear SFP

Dear SFP,

I've been trying to meet a nice sub on collar me -- but those bitches just delete my messages and never respond - don't they know that I'm their Master and they should get on their knees and feel blessed that I found them?

 -- Dateless Dom in Dallas


Dear Dateless,

Perhaps it's your approach.  Here are some tips for getting the bitches to read your message and start to see you for the fine Master we're all sure you are:

1.  Write an opening message that lets her know that you're interested in who she is.  Ineffective messages include:  "Hey", "Good Morning", "Watchadoin'"; and "I'll pay you to pee on my face".

2.  In your message, tell her something about yourself, and indicate that you've read her profile -- mention something, anything about her profile that you like.  If you can't think of anything, perhaps your standards are too low.

3.  Have an idea of what you want.  Do not wait for her to tell you what she is so you can tell her that you're her exact match - you're a Dom for God's sake - act like one.

4.  Don't send her a photo of your penis.  Unless you plan to have your penis hanging out in Starbucks for her to recognize you -- she doesn't want to see your penis at this stage - and certainly not before she hears "hello".  This is especially true if your penis looks  like an elephant's trunk.

5.  Update your profile with some details of who you are -- and what you're looking for.  Commit.  Don't worry that you'll scare her away - she's either up for who you are - -or she's not.

6.  Maybe rethink your name -- Cuntstretcher; Pigslutmaster, GodofPiss are not the names that are going to attract many a sub -- just a thought.

and last but not least

remember - that your nightmare of an online date is that she might be fatter or older than her photos.

her nightmare of an online date involves being skinned and shoved into your trunk.

Give a girl a break.

 -- Happy Hunting

Striving for Peace

Be Vewy Qwiet

...I'm hunting Wabbits

well

not quite

but I am quiet lately.

It was a shitty week.

M and I had to rehash some thing - -it was emotional and we're better now

but it left me raw.

I had to ask S to leave me alone

very forcefully
and multiple times

I am sorry that I had to hurt him
but I was starting to think that I was going to end up as a skin hat at the end of the movie.

Rule # 1 - don't become a cautionary tale.

and

things have quieted down on CM
whew

which is nice

there's a few that I've asked to step back while I work things out
and mostly

I've said "no" a lot.

and there's nothing wrong with that.

so - what's Rule #2?

aha

well - for me?

it's "don't chase men"

because I am a man chaser.

yes

I am

and I'm done with it.

which is not to say that I'm going to sit at home and hope the Dom of my dreams rings my bell.

but rather

I'm not going to call, text, follow up -- with someone who may or may not be interested.

because I've come to the conclusion (rather late in life I know)

that a man is more than happy to have you -- until the right thing comes along.

wow -- that sounds really callous
an maybe it is

but I think it's a bit like eating a zinger

you don't go shopping for zingers
but they're there at the convenience store
and you pick one up
and take it to the car
you remember opening it
and you ate them
you must have eaten then
because they are gone
but you didn't really enjoy them
and
there's only a vague memory of eating them
(were there really 3?  I ate 3?)

it's convenient.

I chased M
and I made things easy for M

but when it came down to it
he wasn't willing to drive to the store to get more

because he didn't want zingers after all.

so

no more chasing men

so
who's chasing me?

oh- there'll be more about that soon --

I assure you.

FINALLY -- 100!

So I've had my tiny little blog for all this time

I've been here for gosh - what - 2 years?
and over at Peacefully Submissive for a year and 1/2

and I never could reach 100 followers

I stopped at 96 at PS

and

I've been at 98 forever here

so

I have to post right this second

before someone removes me from their list and I go back down to 99

to say "hello!"

and thank you for following my tiny little blog

and I promise to have more things to say in the future.

**********************

In other news

B -- the married FWB almost but not quite Dom guy that gave me the only spanking I've had i ages

well - he's trying to make the next date

because I've made clear that once I meet someone - I'm out.

he's asked me what my favorite perfume is

and

I told him "no" -- because it's too expensive at $100 a bottle
oh
and no one in the city has it
everyone is out post-christmas

and he's insisting on buying me a present
and wants a fucking list

eyeroll

ok

am I the only one who doesn't like that?

I'm not your wife - -I'm not going to give you a list
if you want to buy me a present - buy one

or better yet

don't buy one

I don't want your things
I want your time

which could be why I don't think I've received a present from a man in many
many
many years

maybe I should rethink this -- "oh B!-- about that very expensive perfume...."

Who sfp is excited about...

It's the first day of the year -- and I should be talking about my resolutions or some such crap

but instead

I'll catch you up on the search.

The Captain is still out there -- quietly -- he's out of town with friends right now -- spending a country new years -- and I hope he's having a great time of it.  I'm hesitant to write about him - -because as the only one of them who might be reading - -it would be wrong to communicate here -- before I do in person

but I will say this much -- the deal with the Captain - outside of do we want to - -or not want to be an intimate part of each other's lives - is - do I have the time to dedicate to being the kind of sub he used to want (and most likely still does)

probably not.

It would require compromise -- and I'm not sure that's his cup of tea.

There's FashionMan -- and yes -- if I'm making fun of him already - he's not a contender.  He's a good looking man  and he wants to make sure you know it.

This is NOT the kind of man who's going to like me -- or who I'm going to want to spend much time with.  He thinks I should buy $300 shoes (or let him buy them) -- and all I can think is -- "really?  I could have 7 pairs of shoes (easy) for that price!"  He's a nice guy -- but it's never going to go anywhere -- the first time he notices that I have paint from head to toe - he would run.

There's TK -- who is just a friend - he would like to be more -- but I've put him firmly in the friend zone.  We had coffee (well tea for me) yesterday and great conversation.  He's into tickling women

a lot

very into it
and if I were looking to just experience new things and have fun -- he would be a fun playmate.  He's a good person -- safe -- friendly -- not a psycho.

just not what I want right now.

There's still B

he's still essentially a yummy (married) kinky guy -- who wants to be my FWB -- and who I will most likely let be that until I find someone.

We had a bit of a tiff last night
well - a misunderstanding.

I mentioned that I was having a bad night (see previous post with S) and he missed the cue (is it cue?  or queue?).  He offered to come by after midnight to see me - he was playing designated driver for his college aged kids so no one would have to drive drunk - and would stop by for a spank.

I texted back, "I don't might being your FWB, but I'll pass on the booty call"

apparently once you get the hang of being a bit mean - it comes easily.  We chatted a bit and he soothed my sore feelings.  It was good to set the boundaries with him - to make it clear - that the important part of being FWB is the F (friends)

and then

there's

a new player

and boy howdy
is he delicious

I'm going to call him BB - but eventually he'll get a real name (or not -- we'll see)

He's -- well girls -- he's really out of my league.  In vanilla world?  I wouldn't have a shot at this guy - he wouldn't notice - he's the type that you expect to see a bevy of blonde coeds hanging off of him

or at the very least - -at our age -- a former Miss Baton Rouge

but - he likes me -- and I like him - and we're talking at length about meeting in person and seeing what's real.

He's smart, athletic, successful, involved in charity work, kind - a family man - and very very Domly.

He's the one I was on the phone with at midnight - listening to his kids and nieces and nephews set off fireworks and call for him to WATCH!

and he's decided that since I was unable to get my NY spanks - that I will get them when we get there - in time

but that additional penalties will need to be added for each day's delay

to avoid a spank-deficit

or interest perhaps

2 additional licks per day

(apparently the starting number is my age)

so I'm starting today with 47 licks owed

which is some powerful motivation to hurry up - meet -- and get my spank on

while I can still withstand the quantity

(or hope he stops going to the gym)

So - put your money down readers

BB?
the Captain?
a dark horse candidate to be named at a later date?

or will sfp just get a cat?

Forced to be mean

So -- those of you with player cards

or who are making bets

can scratch S off the list.

He went from making me mildly concerned about his degree of affection for me
to completely freaked out

in a flash

Although the idea of love at first sight is romantic
the reality of it

is quite creepy

because it has nothing to do with you

and everything to do with him.

and  that's often the case in the early stages of love, no?

that

we don't love that person

we love how we feel when we're with that person.
we love that it makes us feel desirable
and warm

and safe
or

whatever

but do we love that person?

not yet

to love someone is to know them

and when we're listening to ourselves
to the voice that says
"oh - I'm happy -- I have someone -- I finally have someone -- hooray!"

we can't listen to someone else to figure out if we really love her or not.

So during this week
I went from saying, "it's too soon to say, such things"
and
"please, just give me some space to catch up with you"

to having to say

"I don't want to do this anymore - -any of it"
"Please don't call me"

last night he kept texting me
over and over
and asked to call
he sent me Instant Messages

until I spent the last hour or two of 2012
getting my phone company to block his calls and texts

and

removing him from my IM list

and yes
I cried over this

because I know that he's broken hearted
because he's broken

He has lost his way
and doesn't know how to love
and be loved
any more

I cried because I was forced to be cruel
or face hours of conversations that were pointless
because I can't explain to him

that he doesn't need to learn how to not TELL a girl that he loves her too soon
and that he's happy that she wants him- because no one else does

he needs to learn not to feel that way so soon

There is more to tell of my journey
but
this is enough for one post

today is a new day
and I hope that S picks up -- and starts again.

sfp