The Cowboy

The cowboy and I had lunch today

and there was some
will we
won't we in there

but he asked me to meet
and I did

and

He's a very nice
very attractive man

and I finally know what he does for a living
and yes -- it did explain why he's so darn private.

He's funny
and nice
and doesn't take the D/s thing so seriously that he thinks it has to consume every minute of every day

but

I wasn't there trembling with excitement

for a few reasons

1)  middle of my work day doesn't allow me to shift gears - and yesterday was a frisking awful day
2) there was no time to anticipate it -- I thought we were off and then once we were "on" I had about 5 minutes to talk to an employee and then run out the door
3)  Lunch was 100% vanilla and did not include a good bye kiss (more on that later) and I knew it wouldn't from the beginning.

after lunch - -I had the worst day at work ever

and the text messages were coming during my horrible day

"You sexy lil bitch...I gotcha don't I....GRINS..."

and I thought -- yeah - he sort of does -- I'm intrigued

and when I conceded -- I got my "GOOD girl" -- which is always nice

and then

"Are you truly prepared to begin this journey with me?!?  Are you prepared to be my 3 hole slut?!? If so, respond with "yes Sir" and I will send instructions via email"

so

worst fucking timing ever
because

well

A

He doesn't fucking know me yet
and

B

I'm wading in shit the whole day

and

C

I have a date this weekend with BB

yeah -- I should be done-- but I really do want to know

and I tell him so -- that I have a date (which he sort of knew from our conversations)
and

he's been mostly good about it

but

doesn't get my hesitation

because in his mind
I should jump on in
and
just find out if we're a fit or not

that I should

just try this on for size
and

lighten up

(harumph)

and

yeah -- I do need to lighten up
but

boy howdy
is it going to be a bumpy fucking road for me
because

in the past few months
and in the past year or so

I've become rather unsubmissive.

I lack humility
and
as I read the instructions that I would have started following if I had said "yes Sir"

that became clear
(refer to myself as "girl" -- fuck you man -- GIRL!")

(sigh)

like so many of us
I start to ask myself

"Am I really vanilla?"

He gave me the assignment to write my feelings and experiences from the day to him - -saying "I love to be seduced -- seduce me in your telling of it and be completely transparent"

and all I could think was

"I can be transparent -- or I can seduce you"  "I cannot do both at the same time".

My mind is filled with mixed emotions
with concerns
with
desire and want as well

and the jumble of confusion in there

is not sexy

but it is

transparent.

will I hit send?
will I tell him no?

Boys and Girls - I don't know.