Jinx

I've been sitting here this morning staring at a blank screen.

Struggling to know what to write

BB and I are growing closer and closer
part of it is being allowed to slip into that first layer of submission

it's comforting

and I'm finding myself more open to talk about my life
and let him in

part of it is that I'm going through a stressful time at work
and I'm vulnerable

and I think he responds to that
in that natural protective way


part of it is that I'm allowing myself to picture a future where we could be together

he says he wants to find his best friend
and that's what I want too

and every conversation highlights the ways in which we are compatible
and makes the ways in which we are different less and less important.

and

I'm not sure I want to jinx anything with us

to project too much
about what I'm hoping

BB would tell you that this is all about me putting an big IF in the middle of things

and

maybe I am a bit

maybe I'm distancing myself from the idea that this guy could be the one that I'm looking for
someone who could be a real partner to me

because if I allow myself to really feel that fantasy
to imagine it
to start really wanting it
and feeling it

that I could be more deeply disappointed.

all I know is

I want it to be him
not because I don't want to look any more
not because I want to jump to the next thing
but because

he feels so very very right to me.