Through the Loupe

My Ex taught me how to use a loupe to examine diamonds using a loupe.

how to find the specks and flaws in a diamond to evaluate it's worth.

He taught me that when you're examining diamonds say for earrings -- it's not as important if they have a few flaws -- you're looking at how they sparkle more than anything else --

and in fact

color match on earrings should be close -- but don't have to be insanely perfect -- because they reside on either side of the head -- and aren't seen right next to each other.

But a diamond for a ring
needs to be as flawless as you can get it
and any side diamonds need to be very close in color
or they will stand out

(stay with me on this one)

Recently, I've been asked why I choose partners who are emotionally unavailable -- or who are not matches for me long term -- why do I knowingly select for this

and yeah

I do

right?

and I've decided I don't want that any more.

so when choosing a partner in the past - I would look through my relationship loupe and would say, "Sure- - he's long distance - - but I adore him -- and we can make that work"

But now that I'm trying to focus on someone who's more long term
who might be

ewwwwwww I almost typed "The One" - yuck - -ok -- NOT the ONE

how about

who might be a long term equal partner

oh

fuck it

ok

who might be The One

I am giving them the full on RING DIAMOND examination

and it's easy to come up with reasons why not to choose someone.

super easy

Lives too Far
Wants too much dominance
Doesn't have a job
Thinks Jerry Springer is Funny
Takes me to the Book and Bar

all   -- easy disqualifiers

and then I come to BB
and
I've been louping pretty closely this week

and it occurred to me this morning
that I'm looking for a reason to discard him.

whaaaat?
why would I do that?

Didn't I want to find "the ONE"?

So I've been looking at all the angles

and I even Jumped to a conclusion about something this week
that slipped my head completely out of the sub space about him

I had my big ol' AH HA! moment

and now that I've been proven wrong about that
I'm going to have to figure out why
I seem to want to find something wrong so badly.

Is it that I'm afraid of getting my heart ripped out?
 -- Yeah - a bit.  That really sucks

Is it it that I'm afraid he won't really like me when he meets me and I'll be rejected
 -- Sure -- some - -but that'll be brief, bloggable and I'll move on

or

Is it that I'm afraid he WILL be the ONE and I'll change everything I ever said I wanted - that I'll end up with a different path in my life than I thought I would

oh

well

maybe it's that.

So

I'm going to put the loupe away for a bit.

I am meeting BB on Sunday
tomorrow.
and he's my friend
I like him
he likes me

and this is all that's important.

and we'll like each other
or we won't

but it won't be about little tiny flaws
it'll be about the whole person

and I'll just have to put down my loupe
and look up
and I'll know.