Forced to be mean

So -- those of you with player cards

or who are making bets

can scratch S off the list.

He went from making me mildly concerned about his degree of affection for me
to completely freaked out

in a flash

Although the idea of love at first sight is romantic
the reality of it

is quite creepy

because it has nothing to do with you

and everything to do with him.

and  that's often the case in the early stages of love, no?

that

we don't love that person

we love how we feel when we're with that person.
we love that it makes us feel desirable
and warm

and safe
or

whatever

but do we love that person?

not yet

to love someone is to know them

and when we're listening to ourselves
to the voice that says
"oh - I'm happy -- I have someone -- I finally have someone -- hooray!"

we can't listen to someone else to figure out if we really love her or not.

So during this week
I went from saying, "it's too soon to say, such things"
and
"please, just give me some space to catch up with you"

to having to say

"I don't want to do this anymore - -any of it"
"Please don't call me"

last night he kept texting me
over and over
and asked to call
he sent me Instant Messages

until I spent the last hour or two of 2012
getting my phone company to block his calls and texts

and

removing him from my IM list

and yes
I cried over this

because I know that he's broken hearted
because he's broken

He has lost his way
and doesn't know how to love
and be loved
any more

I cried because I was forced to be cruel
or face hours of conversations that were pointless
because I can't explain to him

that he doesn't need to learn how to not TELL a girl that he loves her too soon
and that he's happy that she wants him- because no one else does

he needs to learn not to feel that way so soon

There is more to tell of my journey
but
this is enough for one post

today is a new day
and I hope that S picks up -- and starts again.

sfp