A little goes a long ways

I know that you're not supposed to have sex for 6 weeks after you have a baby
but I didn't expect that I wouldn't get any during my 6 weeks.

I've been asking for it
hinting

nudging

just shy of nagging
just

reminding him that I need it

He asked me what I was doing this afternoon

I said,

"feeding him, napping and being naughty with my man (?)"

and a few minutes later came a message to text him when I'm free

I got the baby down for a nap
and got my call a few minutes later

and my heart dropped a little
when he just wanted to visit

but I'm happy to have that when I can too

we grab at what we can get these days

and just when I thought we would not

he pointed out that I needed a nap
since the baby was sleeping
and that an orgasm would help me get a good nap

and had me begging to cum in short order
denying me for a few minutes
but not too long

it's been so long
and my orgasms when long denied
tend to try up

and then pushed me to another

He didn't join me
this wasn't about us together
this was about him
giving me the thing that only he can give me

that which is in his control

it was reminding my body that it is his
and my mind as well

and we both
left the call
recharged
me with orders to nap while I can
and he
off to return to work

with my cries still in his ears

O Ye of little faith

I've been really unfair to M
imagining that he doesn't really want me anymore

that
he is the kind of man who would throw me away
just because I'm busy

busy with important business
that
frankly
he was most likely more aware of the extent of
than I was
when we met

because it was hard for me to imagine how much this was going to transform my life

Because when we went from
talking 3 times a day
to talking sometimes only a few days a week for any amount of time

I thought

"well
we're done"

how unfair of me
to think he was such a small man
to think that he was so shallow
that he couldn't allow me to live my dream
and still have love for me

because it inconveniences him

we spent over an hour and 1/2 on the phone today

he really made time for me
and made me feel like we are still "us"

and when I think about it
all the doubts
were just me
thinking that he was going to be like Mr. C

and a pile of other men who didn't want me because I want to have this little one

so shame on me
He loves me
I love him
we are just as together as we ever were.

my faith is renewed.
and I want to come back here and read this
when I get down next time
and have a drink of faith.

enough

yesterday went well

I was enough

I met with the cps worker and the agency workers -- both new to me
and they were nice enough to come at the same time

and

it was fine
some things that I need to do differently
but
no big judgement

the things I need to change are batshit crazy

for example

diaper cream must be in your locked closet with medication
and never left out

which is fucking nuts

so

at 2am
when I have a wet baby
I change him and see a red bottom
I need to what

pick him up
bare bottom
go get my key
open up my cabinet
to carry him back with the tube to put cream on his butt

and then put it back before settling him in

for a baby who

doesn't yet understand that those waving things called his arms
actually belong to him yet
and who is weeks from rolling over.

If I apply this cream at each diaper change
the med log entry must include the date, time, quantity and my signature -- on every line (that would be 8 to 10 times a day)

a pile of rules
that are impossible to follow
could make you crazy

and feel that you will never be enough
that it's impossible to be enough

but I will muscle through
love my baby
and pray pray pray

for early resolution of his case
so we can move on
and return my house to normal.

(oh -- btw -- they're not sure that the locked box I use for medications is good enough - -because it uses a combination lock like a briefcase instead of a lock with a key (and this box resides INSIDE my locked closet)

sigh

wish me luck

Judged

tomorrow (so today when most of you read this)

I get my first visit with my new CPS worker
and my first visit with my new agency worker

I guess I'll become numb to this
but it's hard being judged

over and over

I hate it
I imagine we all do
who likes to be judged?

I think we're all afraid that we'll be found lacking

it's an epidemic of insecurity
of feeling not worthy
that no matter what you give
or what you are
that it's not enough

that you are less
that you don't get to have good things

that they won't last
because somehow
you're not enough

and -- as I think about this
I think how often we all feel this way
in so many parts of our lives

in our work
in our relationships

with our bosses
and our parents
and our kids

with our partners

how harsh we are with ourselves
how cruelly we judge ourselves

in ways we would never judge another

so tomorrow
I'm going to try to be gentle with myself
I'm going to try to be fair to myself
and allow that
I can be less than perfect

and still be wonderful

here endeth the pep-talk

Fucking Nut

I am officially ONE-OF-THOSE-MOMS

yes

I have just downloaded a baby app to my smart phone

that tracks feedings, and diapering, and meds -- even the color/etc of the poo

and I can feel you all rolling your eyes.

but here's the thing

as a foster-mom

I have to keep the following records

1.  a monthly summary of how the baby is doing
2.  a monthly log of physical activity (such as 30 minutes/ day tummy time)
3.  a chart of every feeding -- time and amount of food
4.  a chart of every diaper change -- pee?  poo? -- etc
5.  a chart where I sign off on every single application of any kind of medicine including:  Desitin for diaper rash, tylenol, prescribed meds -- there is a different chart for each one -- you must complete a line that includes time, dose and your signature -- also -- if there are 30 pills and you dispense 1 pill -- you must note that there are 29 pills left (I shit you not)
6.  a signed document for every doctor's visit in addition to what they normally complete
7.  an incident report for anything out of the ordinary -- the example they gave me was:  If he gets a bug bite you would note it and send it to us right away -- and if you put ointment on the bite -- it gets it's own medication log.

so yeah

I'm going to try the stupid smart phone app -- that I can download to a spreadsheet -- because I think touching a button on my phone will be easier at 2am

we'll see.

seriously

I had no idea that the paperwork would be so insane

I just wanted a baby
but I need a secretary.

When I melt down

I've had a hard few days with the baby
which means

very little time with M

and sometimes
I start to crack up
and feel like I can't handle it

when he screams and screams and I can't comfort him

and the little time with M makes me feel like that's falling apart
which makes me feel bad

and then
M will reach out and check on me
that God for texting

and pretty soon susses out that I'm fried.

at just the right moment
he tells me I can do it

but then he says something else

"I expect no less from you"

and it makes me feel shored up
resolved

He has full faith in me
and expects me to live up to my potential
and because he expects it

I reach down
and find more energy

and I carry on.

observation

Sometimes I'm surprised -- like with the recent round of blog awards

btw -- I started to respond -- but got too long winded and the baby called me out on it -- it's still in my drafts box -- most likely to languish forever.

but what I started to say is that the recent blog awards always makes me go exploring

back
back
back

through all the people who nominated my friends
and throughout he people who they nominated as well
or who nominated them

and what I find
much to my surprise

is that there are tons and tons and tons of bloggers out there
who don't know this little corner of the internet

this area
where we all seem to know each other so well

it makes me feel like a small town girl
with my teeny little blog
a drop
in a sea of blogs

amazing
how so many of us started blogs
because we felt so alone in the world
like we were the only ones
struggling with TTWD

to find that
no

we're not
not even a little bit
that we have 100's
and 100's of brothers and sisters

and we're just the ones who blog.

wow

What are y'all listening to?

Lately?

Waylin' Jennies.
I have my own Pandora channel set to it.

which got me thinking -- what are y'all listening to?

hoping for a date

so
M and I haven't had a date in a long time

well -- we've had dates -- but not DATES
and of course
we're only talking about the phone
I'm not free to go see him
or have a visitor right now

but there has to be a way
to coordinate some phone time with my man
there has to be

right?

I mean
the baby has to sleep some time

we've had time to talk
but it's been all vanilla

and my efforts to turn things spicier
have been
well
rejected is a harsh word

I think that M thinks that he's giving me a break and allowing me to focus
but

it has the opposite effect

because I really do worry that things will never work with us
that we'll never get to see each other
that we'll fade away

so
your truly
subjected herself to some begging
some
throwing herself at him
and he agreed that we'll have a  DATE date this weekend

at some point

because the little monster is a bit hard to predict.

mmmmmmmmmmmm

Swaddling

I was just reading Aisha over here.

and I made me think of my little guy

she was writing about all the change in her life
and now that she is living with her Sir
how she became so sure that
all of a sudden that he was done with the D/s stuff
that
he wouldn't want her that way
that
that
that

you know
the way our brains do
they ramble
they SPIN out of control

particularly when there's too much going on

while I was reading this I was watching the little man
he's stripped down to nothing this morning
it's hot
and he managed to spoil his PJs with fresh formula, spit up (semi-used formula) and pee (very used formula)

after the trauma of being changed and wiped -- all this change for such a little man
he's flailing a bit

what he wants
is to be wrapped
very very tightly
he wants to be swaddled.

that feeling of being closely held
and confined
and safe

and I think that we are all that way sometimes
and I think it's why sometimes
when we have the most stress
and you wouldn't think that you should add more rules to put pressure on you

that's when we want the rules the most
that's when we want the control the most

to be swaddled

Going back

today is my first day back from leave.

I am going to work part time for the next 3 weeks with the help of my parents

so the little one and I will start slower in the AM
then go to the grandparents

while I go to work.

and you guys
it's tough

this little guy is still so little
sooooo little

just eight pounds

I really don't want to do it.

I hate it

I would rather be here.

and my house is in shambles
sigh

but

it is
what it is

and today
or tomorrow
or weeks from now

this would feel the same

so

back into the fray

in just a few more minutes.

oh the looks I get

The BFF came to see me yesterday and meet the little Don.

we went out to dinner
and people look at me like I'm the worst mother ever
because he's so tiny
it seems that I've taken my newborn out when he's hours old

instead of nearly a month old.

lol

and as we sit there
and I feed the baby
while we eat

and laugh that we look more and more like a same sex couple
and Amy notes
that people must think she's a terrible partner
sticking me with the baby all through dinner

I let her carry the baby out
it's the least she can do
since I spend all day caring for our baby

it was a lovely night
and such a treat to have a friend who comes to help with the baby
who actually
you know

HELPS with the baby
and let me get a nap

I am really blessed
with a beautiful baby
with wonderful friends
a wonderful family
good support at work
and
a great partner

l am so very very blessed.

WHAT!

I was pelted with phone calls this afternoon

follow up Dr. appointments
registration at the local hospital (where the lab is)
calling Medicaid
having Medicaid call back
all while I was trying to take a nap

when the phone rang at 5 my parents got to hear me say

"WHAT?!" as the phone rang
followed by a very sweet "Hey Baby"

to the sounds of my dad laughing at me.

M had a shitty day

I spoke to him earlier in the day
when he declared it was too bad a day to talk about
then he called back at 5
and told me all about it

it made me happy
(lol) that he was having a shit day

nah

that he wanted to talk to me about it
and that we're finally getting our groove back
so that there's not a screaming baby every time he calls

funny how much we need our routine
that calling at a set time
sharing our days
to keep us solid

so his shitty day
made me happy
because hearing about his shit day
is a step back into balance for us

(yeah -- I know this is a gibberish post -- no nap today -- stupid phone)

Everything I ever needed to know I learned on Sex & the City

Well the bouncy chair runs out of batteries
my vibe under the cushion
gets the job done

don't judge me.