Tex returns

(sigh)

A few weeks ago Tex had a death in the family and we almost had the chance to be together -- and we both threw the breakup out the window and jumped at it

to the point that I was minutes from driving 2 hours to him

when his family changed plans and went back home early (they drove)

dashing our plans

and leaving both of us a bit

no

more than a bit
disappointed

so here I am
going on my shitty dates
talking to men that  -- well - if I like them they're either long distance or married (most likely because they have to try harder to make a connection)

and if they're local/single I'm not interested (see previous post)

so I asked Tex if we could talk
and

think about it
one more time

because

in 10 days he'll be here for a conference

not HERE

but -- 5 hours from here

and
I want to go and if I can work it out

I am going

and we plan to play house

(ok - now - -Aisha - Nilla - you might want to get a pillow or something and put it on the table in front of you - because I'm afraid that you might need the cushion from shaking your heads so hard at my folly)

we plan to play house because that's what Tex has been throwing around
the idea that we might someday get married

and he thinks we should see what that would be like in our D/s world
and
spend a weekend at it

now

there's a cynical part of me that says -- "you know, a sociopathic bastard would know that this is your weak spot and a great way to manipulate the fuck out of you"

and the other part of me says, "as long as the cynic is still audible - I'll be ok" -- and ''wow - that's a long fucking con if that's the game he's playing"

he plans to introduce me to strangers at the hotel as his wife

and I plan to remind him at some point that in this old-west state that we live in that presenting yourself in public as man and wife and co-habitating is grounds to declare a common law marriage

:)

while all of this is going on a Dom friend of mine has agreed to mentor me -- and is requiring that I limit my Tex-time to 30 minutes a day

which should reduce swooning

My Dinner with the Narcissist

I was listening to NPR the other day -- She interviewed the Author of the Narcissist next door -- I smiled when he said that a Narcissist isn't likely to get help with their disorder because (paraphrasing) how could being awesome be a disorder

Well - little did I know that just a few days later I would be out on a date with just such an animal.

He's a Chef - and although not a celebrity - obviously good at his craft -- and he took me to an amazing Indian restaurant (and yes -- I fed hid disorder by asking him to choose what we would eat  - and he did well)

and he spent the rest of the night - one-upping me and telling me dozens of fascinating stories about himself.  For hours.

and it wasn't dull - although I only bought about 70% of it

and he left the date feeling it was a huge success
because

let's face it

he spent the night doing his very favorite thing
and wasn't interrupted

I was a good little sub and listened well
making the appropriate comments

and finally
finally finally

escaped

on the way home
I reconnected with a character from the past

in fact

he's the Dom that inspired the story about Lorena and Orion

and I found myself following his direction
pulling over into a dark lot

A shift from a Narcissist to a - what?

that I don't know
I just know that it salvaged the night and made me realize that the sub in me isn't dead

she's sleeping.

Cliff Notes

So - if you've followed the story - you know
but maybe there's a few who didn't follow me

I'll catch you up:

I am about a month away from finalizing the adoption - and things couldn't be better there

and I met someone - long distance -- and fell for him -- and he didn't fall for me the same way (but still cared for me)

and it was amazing
and painful

and now

over
mostly over
with some phantom pains here and there

and now

well

I'm sort of dating again
although not very successfully

and

feeling lonely

things will get better
I know they will

but today

I'm lonely

hugs

sfp

What a year

It has been a heck of a year.

I closed this blog down because I became concerned I had been compromised -- an overreaction I think

and recreated it
and then proceeded to ruin blogging for myself by allowing my partner to read it

seriously

what was I thinking

because as things started to go awry

I had no place to go
to think
to talk it out

I had either already talked to him about it

or

wasn't ready to

and my blog became dull

and as my life became dull and sexless -- so did my blog

those of you who stuck it out were real troupers (troopers?) - at any rate

I've been encouraged to try blogging again
to
see if it helps me in the ways it used to

to give me community
and connection
and clarity

so - if any of you are still out there

we have reopened for business
under new management (at least I am these days)

and hoping for some new adventures.

SFP