Spider Monkey

I dreamed last night that my house was filled with people -- I was on my bed looking at the chandelier over my bed

oh

you don't have a chandelier over you bed?

hmmm

weird

mine was covered with spiderwebs

and while I watched -- one of the spiders came down towards me and as it came down to the bed it got bigger and bigger and bigger

turned into a monkey and hid in the kitchen.

I tried to chase it out and eventually got it out the sliding glass door -- and one of the dozens of people in my house said (in a bored sort of way), "you know you never have just one monkey - -you better call the exterminator"

um

yeah

weird

good thing I'm off to see Aisha -- perhaps JM can analyze this one

sfp

The What If Game

M had a rotten day at work today

I called and we chatted a bit -- he told me his story and I laughed at his story -- and he laughed with me and the day shifted a bit for him -- made lighter.

and he said to me

"Not to freak you out -- but I wondered -- what if I went home to you one night in a mood like this -- I was wondering today how you would take it"

and I told him - it was ok

we all play the what if game

Isn't that a big part of what it is in the beginning when you're getting to know each other

you play the what if game

over and over

you play the positive side
and the negative side

What if we fall in love
What if he wants me to move closer to him
What if I have to quit my job to be happy
What if I can't find work in the tiny town he lives in
What if he doesn't like me as much in person
What if he's the one

and the What if game is important

because that's what you're trying to do in the beginning
get little peeks into the future

and knowing that he's taking little peeks into the future
is nice

as long as we are both doing it

and yes -- it's all too soon
and we're both getting a bit swept away

but What if it's not too soon
what if

mmmmmm

what if....

A Stern talking to

M sent me a story yesterday

and racy story - it involves the first time a Dom and Sub have their meeting -- and the advernture that follows.

It's a hot story

M and I have not had a lot of conversations about his particular likes/dislikes when it comes to kink.  His philosophy is that he wants me to give him everything that I'm able to give -- and that if he asks for something I cannot give that it's his fault for asking me for more than my ability can deliver.

feels like a load of crap to me in some ways

don't get me wrong -- I have some idea of the parameters

We've talked about limits -- and have an agreement on most of them -- so I'm pretty sure that he's not into -- blood or being vomited on

I was going to type not-that-theres-anything-wrong-with-that  but that would be silly of me.

of course I think there's something wrong with it -- it's ookie.

so -- he sent me this story -- and the girl in it is perfect-in-every-way

and I'm faced with writing back something like, "baby this is an awesome story -- I totally want to be that girl" which to me sounds like I'm saying "yummy -- let's do that next weekend"

or

letting him know that I'm not that -- not now -- maybe not ever

so I type back something like, "Wow - -she's a better sub than I am -- I'm not really good at...." etc etc

and I got back a "I'm not going to send you any more stories if you do that" -

and I said, "I just worry I won't be good enough :( "

and that was follwed by "Ok, let's talk baby, Now if you are not busy"

and yes

I got a stern talking to

about comparisons
about expectations
about worrying

and I agreed saying, "I know it's silly to compare myself to imaginary subs"

and he corrected me

"it's silly to compare yourself to anyone"

so we are back to

If I give him my best he will be happy

obviously he's not a follower of Yoda.

recharged

the huge party is over

the blisters will remind me of it in the days to come -- as will the remnants of my finger sliced on the mandolin  --

and I hit home at about 4 yesterday -- with one of the cakes in my possession (now 1/4 gone) - so exhausted that I waited for over an hour for a pizza to be delivered that I didn't submit the order for online.

I napped -- then I ate the finally arrived pizza and went to bed again -- then I spoke to M into the wee hours

and had the brilliant idea of taking a Unisom

I woke up about 8am -- and chatted online with M again -- hot talk that left me wet -- and begging to cum

he granted the wish -- and left me to it

I decided to make him a gift
and recorded it

weird to hear yourself cum afterwards -- I say little words during it

to him?

hmm -- I guess so -- I can make out his name once -- and a few "God"s and several "please"es -- (please what?)

I sent it to him as a gift - I think he was very pleased.

and I went back to sleep

I think I clocked about 14 hours of sleep in the past 24.

and if you think about it -- I've been on ther verge of exhaustion for over a month

so as I face the filthy house
and tasks I had promised myself would be done -- I've decided to say "screw it"

it is a day of rest

the dirt will be here tomorrow and can be cleaned then

today is about getting recharged
and planning my trip to see Aisha

it's a good day

Wrong Shoes

Sparkly
hugging my feet
summer sandals
complete the look
I rescued you
all alone on the rack
last lonely pair
and while you resisted
the stains of the sno cone syrup
to reward me
with painful
reminders of the day
seems wrong, shoes
wrong
wrong
wrong

Tantrum

I have a huge party that I'm planning at work today

HUGE

it's the big show for the whole year and guess who's in charge?

Yeah -- the girl that is now and will forever be "STRIVING for Peace"

easy to forget sometimes that's what SFP stands for

So yesterday -- after I spent the day troubleshooting the electrical supply for the Bounce House and discovered that the Sno Cone Machine that we own is gone -- missing -- disappeared - -not to mention that someone put the cotton candy machine away filthy 3 YEARS ago

oh

and someone's been eating food that I've bought for the event

Bastards

where was I -- oh yeah

so Yesterday after all of this -- I needed to go get 8 cakes for the cake walk as well as a few other things -- and I realized I hadn't eatten in 7 hours -- I pulled into McDonalds

"I would like a #14 with no Cheese"

"What?"

"No Cheese -- a #14 with no cheese"

"ha ha - double cheese? -- I'll make one with extra cheese - -ha ha"

"No, NO Cheese.  Last time I ordered it came with cheese - -I hate cheese -- NO Cheese"

I pull around

get my food -- and discover it has cheese

"This has cheese"

"oh - sorry"

they disappear and bring me a burger

I check it

and they've pulled off some of the cheese

not all the cheese

just the part of the cheese that hadn't melted onto the burger

which wasn't much -- because the burger wasn't all that hot.

and

um

I flipped.

I said something like "You should make a NEW burger"

which wouldn't be that bad except that I had pulled a bit of the cheese off the burger and was waggling it at this poor kid out my window - -and

um

he might have had the impression that I flung the bit of cheese at him.

yeah.

um

total tantrum

I can never eat at McDonalds again

not just that one

ANY McDonalds

I'm a cheese flinging crazed wackadoo

No rehearsals

You know at some point in time

things stop being all talk and get to some action

we've dipped the toe into sex

and I'm starting to get an idea of who and what he is.

He's a cagey one

not wanting to let me have a peek at scenes later in the movie
or
more likely not wanting to have be freak out

so we were talking racy talk  - -well texting racy text and I made some sort of comment about needing to calm things down or I would need to "go rehearse"

He texts back, "are you going to ask permission?"

crapola

me and my big mouth

I was told "no rehearsals unless I'm there -- I won't allow any stand ins"

and at some point

I did rehearse
with him in my ear
talking into the night
like we do

and it was lovely together.

and afterwards -- we realized that we spent the night talking about City politics and my party this week and my friend's new job and food and sex and how much we like to argue -- and this is what we want.

we want someone to give us everything
not just sex
not just submission or control
but everything
talk about everything
laugh about everything

and of course -- we have no idea if that's going to be each other or not
we have not yet met in person

but we at the very least know it's out there - it's possible - we have our hope

someone who wants it all

yes

someone who wants it all

sigh

The Rules

Do you remember The Rules?

they were a list of rules that you were to follow if you wanted to "ketch you a man"

I'll leave that last bit alone -- since it sounds like we're trapping them against their will -- and in my experience - no man has ever been trapped against his will -- they're wiley creature and are only caught when they are not only not running -- but more importantly chasing.

at any rate -- M and I were talking today -- and I was thinking about the rules - in particular the rules about communicating

• Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
• Don't Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls
• Always End Phone Calls and dates First
• Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
• Don’t Open Up Too Fast
• Be Honest but Mysterious

We texted a bit this morning and he suggested that I call if I want to - and I hesitated.

I consulted my rules of vanilla dating which are all about not seeming needy

and said I would love to call -- but I was worried that I was invading his work time

later on in the day he made it clear that those rules? -- those rules don't apply in the D/s world.  That we are essentially attention whores (paraphrasing - he was much more eloquent than I am).

and at one point I changed the subject
and in one of the first really domly moments he said,
"I would love to talk about (insert new topic here) in a moment -- but you're changing the subject and we have more to discuss about this"

(oh)

I apologized and returned to the topic at hand

so his style -- is not to make rules -- but to encourage me to think of what would please him -- and do that.

He said he could make rules about when to contact him -- but he would rather that I contact him as often as I feel the desire to - and leave a message if I can't get him -- not because I have to -- but because I want to hear his voice -- or share something with him because he's the first one I want to share it with.

so the rules - -which tell us that men want us to be aloof?

well

I'm going to toss them out

and just try it his way

not worry about being too needy

just

do what I want to do in the moment.

hmm

the rules haven't helped me so far

so we'll try it his way

tumbling

I have that giddy feeling

when you were a kid

and you would roll

tumbling down a grassy hill

head of heels

laughing the whole way

All Talk

I really am enjoying this time with M

even though it's all talk

for hours

until he'll finally say, "it's time to put you to bed, Angel, you've been yawning for 1/2 an hour"

you know

I think sometimes we get all caught up in the action
and forget about the talk

and the talk can be dangerous

since it's likely to be a few more weeks before we can get together

the talk might make us very very attached to each other and create great disappointment if things don't play out

or

the talk might fizzle out - -with nothing else to sustain it
we may exhaust all the possible topics

and then be stuck with stony silence

words are powerful things

they can wound when we want them to
and sometimes even if we don't want them to

and they can bind two people together more tightly than any other bond

and a man that's good with words?

sigh

I would go a long way for that

so right now -- it's all talk

but I'm pretty sure that in the end

it won't be all talk at all.

Smidge Smitten

Ok --

time to admit it

I'm a bit smitten with M

He's smart
He's funny
and he's good at this job
and he's focused
and he's nice
he likes kids

yeah - he doesn't live here -- but it's not all that far away

and we can't stop talking to each other

and here's what I like the best?

We barely talk about the D/s thing

at all

a smidge here and there

but mostly?

work and politics and dreams and hopes and frustrations and  and and and

yeah

a bit smitten

and I hate even writing this because it's too soon
and

I'm going to jinx it or something

but

I just don't care

this is what I want

even if it's not him

I want this

this -- energy
this  -- excitement
the -- stimulation

I've been talking a lot to the BFF lately - -she's just broken up with her boyfriend -- and we spent the weekend hanging out talking

and here's the thing

she keeps dating maybes

I told her - -you need to sort them into two piles

Yes's and No's

Once you identify that he's a maybe?
once you start compiling the list of things you think maybe you can live with

you need to move on

because - when they're on the "yes" pile?
sure - those things are there

but they're trivial
and you don't care about them

so

will M always be a "yes"?

no way to know

but right now?

he's no "maybe"

and I'm having a great time

sfp

(PS - he writes - -ya'll -- he WRITES!)

Cher was right

I met S last night

and he's a wonderful man

nice
successful
interesting

but um -- he blew me kisses at dinner

which was irritating
and embarrassing

and

he pays too many compliments

way too many compliments -- and over the top ones.

I am an average girl
I have completely embrased this
I am not gorgeous
or beautiful
or stunning

and you can on occassion bring one of these out and I will accept it

I will even allow that you feel it

but seriously
if you think that's what wins a plain girl's heart?
you're mistaken.

and at the end

I did kiss him

and

pez dispenser again

Gentlemen -- do not shove your tongue into a girl's mouth and waggle it back and forth

we need oxygen.

seriously we need to spend less time in health class in Jr High talking about nutrition and a bit of time teaching these boys the actual location of your clit and how to kiss.

Cher was right (ok and Betty Everett)

It's in his kiss.

Hesitant

I'm becoming hesitant to talk about anyone new.

As soon as I do -- something goes amiss -- and they're out of the picture

a girl could become superstitious

but I'm going to talk about 2 new cast members

S and M

S is local -- older -- responsible -- and seems very sweet.  We've been talking for a few months and we have the Starbucks date tonight

and

hmm

M is interesting

M sent me a lovely note on CM a few days ago -- and I responded back with my Thanks for the lovely note, but you live too far away (about 200 miles) but please take your lovely parting gift on the way out (Rice a Roni -- the SanFranCiscoTreat!).

and the next message -- seconds after M sent me his was a "nice ass" message.

For some reason I wrote back to M and made a joke about it.

and we started to talk.

God I do love me a smart, literate, funny, dominant man.

so we'll see how that plays out

In the meantime - -something at work that's been a nightmare for me is going to clear up

I never thought it would happen -- but it has

and now -- I'll have the hell of the transition that this fix will cause

watch out what you wish for

(but it will be worth it in the long run)

wish me luck tonight

sfp

Little things

I've gotten all stuck on blogging.

something that I normally love has become -- hmmm - -not a chore - -but it's become difficult.

I've lost my flow a bit.

it's easy to maintain when you blog every day
or even more than once a day

and then when you stop -- it's

well -- it's as if I've forgotten how.

so it occurred to me this morning that the problem is that I'm trying to blog too big.

because I have big things going on

big emotions going on

and anything I write seems incomplete
because this venue doesn't do big very well

this venue at least for me

is about small

little tiny things

tiny moments

stray thoughts

so I'm going to get back to my roots -- and blog small.

and see if I get my mojo back

sfp