NOT what we're about

or not

or

they'll get in
discover that the ablation blocked by tubes
and they can't do the procedures

so I have an anesthesia hangover
and am bleeding a wee bit

and I'm most likely
still fertile

fuck

fuck

fuck

so now I'll have to wait to heal
then they'll check to see if they're blocked enough to render me sterile
and if not

I'll have to have surgery surgery
or stick with birth control

fuck

so

shit.

End of an egg-ra

ok -- that was a reach

I'm leaving in about' 30 minutes to go get my tubal ligation

only

that's not how they to it not

they're not going to be cut and tied

they'll be blocked

in fact - they put a little thingy inside the tubes
and over the next 3 months scar tissue will grow
and seal them off.

no incision required

pretty cool

which means

yay! -- there's an end to condoms in sight.

I've said as much to M
and he gets a bit defensive

that it doesn't bother him
and no -- it doesn't
he's a good egg

I think he worried that I was doing this for him

like hell

this is for me

no more pills
no more condoms (assuming that I'm always with M)
no more worries

ahhhhhhh

yes -- it's the end of an era
and I couldn't be more happy!

sfp

PS -- maybe I'll come back all stoned this afternoon and ya'll get to read some stoned blogging

Life book (adoption)

I finished my life book last night

it's a combination of tools

it's a 4 page glossy color advertisement for you as a parent
but
it's also

a document that humanizes you.
that makes you real
that shows you and your family as you are
not just facts on a sheet of paper
someone else's facts for that matter
not even your own

your agencies version of who you are
which in some ways may be more true than our own
but still
has their slant
they decide what goes in
and what does not go in
they do not know your heart

If the child is older
this is what they might use to introduce the child to you
to help them figure out who you are
to help them adjust to the idea of going to your home

and someday
it might be a priceless object
deeply loved by a child
as the first hint of hope
of a new life

Putting me to bed

I wonder if he realizes that he basically puts me to bed each night

every night
I get a text

"settled yet?"

and I text back with a request

"10 min?"
or
sometimes "15?"

and I turn off the TV
and change into PJs
and crawl into bed

his voice relaxes me
until I'm ready to say goodnight
and go to bed

it's not an order
lol
I'm not even sure it occurs to him
but
it's our ritual
as
he tucks me in
every night.

Snippits from the Sex Talk

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Draw Something

So I'm totally addicted to and app called "draw something"

I generally play someone random

today I got some kid
who wants to draw me stick figures giving other stick figures blow jobs. (it looked something like this -- you can't save them)

so

I sent back a detailed sketch to show him how it's done.

I think the Android police are going to come arrest me.

no visit.

So

It's not going to happen

He has too much work
and the nature of his work
is that it cannot be done in advance

He has to be there
when it's happening

I asked about it when he called last night
I was in the tub

shaving
because
I didn't know if we would have time on Friday
or Saturday
and I wanted to be ready

I was a big girl
I didn't complain
I was brave

even though I had tears
sliding down my cheeks
into the bathwater

we assured each other it was going to be ok
that we both believe this is for the long haul
and

that we would "work it out"

and I asked for some time to dry off

move away from my sadness a bit

pull my shit together.

I know he is smart
he is looking at the big picture
and I am being unreasonable.

I try to convince myself that a few hours would make me happy
but it's a lie

because the short visits are bad for us

I need the time afterwards
to come back together
to sink into him

and we need the tenderness
as much as we need the control and fire

maybe more

so I'll watch a movie this weekend
and putter around my house
and
I will talk to my man
and maybe even have a phone date

and I will keep my eyes on the future
and do what I need to do.

His needs

I am at a very happy time in my life

M

sigh

M is not.

and I hate it
I hate that he's struggling
that

he's on the brink of depression.

life has treated him roughly of late
and it's just unfair.

He's a strong man
a proud man

and to hear
that slight crack in his voice
last week
was heart rending

I want to fix it
I want to help

but I cannot

We are trying hard to make time for each other this weekend
if not this weekend
I don't know when it would be again
as the following weekends are tightly booked

He needs me
and I need to go to him

to give him a day of peace
and relaxation

he needs a day
where he is in control
of the outcomes

so often
I think about our time together
about getting what I need

selfish girl
but
we're all a bit selfish sometimes

but this time
what I need
is to give him
what he needs
nothing more

my poor exhausted man.

happy moments

The other day
I was walking across the building at work

and I thought about our annual big family party

and

I imagined
my parents coming to help me
and pictured the two little boys
in the bounce house

and
laughing with them
and I imagined the look
in my parents' eyes

I welled up a bit

I had to force the thought of it away
it wouldn't do
to be seen
smiling
and crying

walking across the warehouse

and no
there's no guarantee that it'll be them

but the idea of it
make me unbearably happy
for just a moment

and I thought

yeah

yeah

yeah.

Patience

I may have mentioned that there was someone I new from the exchange thing
who wants to adopt

she did a quickie class
and boasted that her homestudy (for her entire family) was "easy"

she just send me a message on FB

she wanted to know if I was licensed yet
because they're not yet

and she's

lol -- impatient

I tried to console her
not to worry
I've been in the process longer

but that you have to be patient
particularly since they're being so particular
they want a baby
no older than 12 months
white
female

she responded

oh -- don't worry I am (patient)
I just want to have a baby girl by August.

(facepalm)

The diaperpail list

When the kiddo was here this week

we spent a lot of time talking about these 2 little boys I'm considering

one night
she said

"you should make a list of all the things you want to do before you become a mom"

and I smiled

"but I've done them"


"no - -no you should go on a trip"


"I went on that great trip last year with you and your friend
and then went to see my friend Aisha
and a trip to Florida"


"but you should have an adventure"


"getting you last year was a huge adventure"
"sweetie -- I've spent a lifetime doing all the things
I want to do before I become a mom"
"I'm just ready"


and I am
so very ready.

my diaper pail list is all checked off.

Hooray!

So -- I made it though today -- with only 3

count them THREE!

woozy spells

which is huge progress
and helps to substantiate my theory that I needed to just
get some rest

I would be bouncing up and down with glee

um

except that might make 4 spells
and I might yak
from the bouncing

but count me as happy
and getting healthier!

yay!

Waiting.

It's not a toomah

violating my grounding to provide an update.

It's officially not a toomah.

and the eye rest seems to be helping

so

I'm off to be a good girl again

sfp

Grounded

Ok -- I have self-diagnosed myself with eye strain

severe eye strain

and I've decided
since my next Dr. appt is set for 3 weeks from now

to ground myself from blogging

gulp

and reading blogs

and

(sigh)
facebook

and

(double sigh)

from using the Smart phone as anything other than an MP3 player or

I guess a phone

I'm not sure I can do it

but I'm going to try

so.

I'm ok
I'm feeling a wee bit better
and I think if I can just rest a bit
I will get better faster.

I'm ok
I'm not dead

and I promise to tell if it's a tumor

but I think I've just overdone it.

Love to you all

See you next week.

Vertigo

So

I'm having a little problem.
I am

not dizzy
but

off kilter the past couple of weeks.

mariado is the word in Spanish -- "sea sick"

I switched to new glasses and I thought that they were the problem.
so I switched back
which made it a tiny bit better
but not completely.

so I'm making the internet advice rounds

and starting with the simple stuff.

drink more water.
see what makes it worse
and what makes it better

I sometimes feel if I move my head too fast
that my brains are sloshing

I finally had to tell M about it
bad girl

hiding things from him

I didn't want him to worry

so  -- I'm going to try all the only solutions
for another day

and then I'm going to do something about it

(here's hoping it's an ear infection)

sfp

think. think. think.

I have a lot to think about these days

I am standing on the edge

peering over

at motherhood

thinking about the choices I have

and

they are wonderful choices

but

it's my job to make sure

I have up to the task

that I can do what I think I can do

because when I discuss the particular

little bundles of joy I am considering

people suck in air - making a hissing noise

as if they were burned

with a look of

"are you insane?"

2 toddlers.

two

toddlers

I'm tempted to turn off comments

because I'm not sure I want them

I hear all of them in my head already

I have been thinking about them since January

making endless

Pro 

and

Con

lists

and the fact is

they have had a placement before

a single man

who couldn't hack it

and gave them back

not because they were bad

but because they were too much.

for him

He only had them for a few days

lol

I'm sure every new parent would love

to send the baby back in the first few days

before you learn the language

before there's a routine

but you can't put a birth child back in the uterus

if I take them

they are mine

I will not give them back.

On Thursday

I read the giant files for each of them

I was elated.

On Friday

I was dejected

No way I could do it

I'm not good enough

I'm not mom enough

I could only see the hardship

and no joy

Yesterday

I got the joy back

I could see me smiling at them

and them smiling at me

I could see us playing

or snuggling

AND

I could see a tantrum in Walmart

and vomit in my hair

and

I'm going to think on it a few more days

think.

think.

think.

and then

I might just take the next step

and meet them.

Kiddo update

So

the kiddo is home from college

and it's an interesting relationship
because she's not my responsibility any more

I can't mother her
but I can big sister her

aaaaand

apparently she's begun to date
(well -- she's had a few little dates)

she was not going to date American boys
but looks like things have changed

looks like I'm going to have the sex talk.

and send her back to school with condoms.

I promised her that we would talk about it
and that I would answer anything
and that it wouldn't be a lecture
just
good advice

more parenting experience to put in my tool box.

1st Grade

We had an early date

I was told to get the plug
and it would be the only toy for the night

It's been sitting in it's padded bag since it arrived

so I guess that makes March 9th International plug day

at least according to M

sorry you guys missed it -- perhaps next year.

I got the plug
and quickly realized it was too cold
running it under some water
to make it bearable

it's a first for me

I've certainly had other things there
but not a plug
nothing that would fill so much
nothing I would put in myself

and he played with me
getting me ready
coating it
with my wetness

yes -- I know most need lube
for once -- my over wetness became an asset

and I struggled

I could not get my body to comply

he had me stop trying
and instead
let me cum

until I begged him to let me try again

and I struggled some more

it's hard to hurt yourself
easier to apply the clamps
as they decide the tightness
harder to pinch yourself
as he would pinch

it's been awhile since you suffered for me

and it has

too long

as I fought to ease it in

don't force it baby
we don't have to do it tonight
there are no expectations
we have all the time in the world
there is no failure here

his gentle encouragement made me cry a bit
I was so close
I didn't want to quit

and then
it just happened

and it was in
and I was full

I know why he would like it
I could feel it crowd my pussy
I imagined him fucking me
so much tighter

and he let me cum again

afterwards
we talked
as it rested inside me

my pulse beating against it

until he gave me permission to remove it

that's enough time love
we're only in first grade

Anger

When I was married
I used to fear his anger

I would do anything to avoid it
anything

his anger was a seething monster
that laid in wait
building up his strength

he would hold it in
sometimes for weeks
until the tiniest thing
made him blow up.

perhaps there was some sort of demerit system
that I was never able to understand

left a dish in the sink = 2 demerits
ran out of underwear = 5 demerits
lose the remote control = 10 demerits

it left me walking on egg shells

never able to figure out what I had done
to create such a huge reaction.

in his mind
I'm sure he felt that he had superior self control

since he didn't say anything about all of those other issues

in his mind he was magnanimous
or long suffering
take your pick.

I cycled through periods when I tried to make things perfect
all the time
even if I had to lie
sometimes I found myself lying about things I didn't have to
just out of habit

then I would go through a fuck-it cycle.
where I could care less what he thought
where I understood that he was going to blow up
for something silly anyway
so why try

I've worked hard these past few years
to recover from that time
18 years of it

last night M was angry
no

furious

he had a hideous day at work
and a big fight with the Ex.

and I was proud of myself
because he could vent
and I didn't try to fix it
to make him not-mad

I listened.
I supported
and
recognized

that he needed food
and sleep
and space

not his girl.

it isn't my job to fix it.
to make it better
it's my job to support

and

*lightbulb moment*

it's ok for him to be angry
his anger is helpful
he's

lol

"feeling his feelings"

THIS is what healthy anger looks like in a man

directed where it belongs
out -- not IN

and I think he's an important part in my healing.

Mr. C didn't get angry

ever

he's soooo even keeled
that it's unnatural

he was a calming space

and now
maybe it's time for me to understand
that it's not the end of the world
for a man to get angry

and it's not my job to fix it.

Rational Republicans need to take a lesson from the Left.

I feel sorry for the Republican party

it's as if they thought they were getting involved
with a lovely woman
who understood them and made them feel
young and energetic again

but the next day
when they realize the mistake they've made
she's put the bunny in to boil

The liaison with the Religious Right really was a fatal attraction
in so many ways

so there's the Republican Party
stuck

they've driven away
so many rational supporters of their cause
that all they're left with
is the rabid residue

but I know there are rational Republicans out there

you know who you are

you're hoping that the party will put someone up
that will court the favor of the religious right
but who won't actually deliver on the promise

you're praying for a politician - in the worst sense of the word
you're hoping for a hypocrite

one who'll act normal again when you get him into office.

here's the problem

you're running out of hypocrites

meanwhile

here's the left
and we're banding together
yes

out of fear of the sincerity of Santorum

and we're making a difference

admit it

you know who you are

you're thinking about -- GASP -- voting for Obama

because your party has betrayed you.

but has it?
has it betrayed you?

or did you abandon in?

ok -- so -- I'm here to tell you

it's not too .late

stand up and be heard

March
decry those who despoil your party
denounce those who have dragged
what you believe in through the mud.

find yourself the last normal Repbulican
and get behind him

no

NOT Ron Paul

Geez -- really guys?  Ron Paul????

no

find yourself a fiscally conservative Republican
who is brave enough to say

NO

We don't want government in our business
not in our bodies
not in our churches
not in our day to day lives

use the same power
that we in the left are using
and do something powerful with it.

Now -- friends of mine are wondering
why in the world would she argue for this?

is she nuts?

I guess it's just
that I would love to see
our country
be the great place it should be

where men and women
are free
to be conservative
without being a bigot

to be small government
without limiting the rights of her people

Reasonable Rational Republicans must exist somewhere

and if you do exist

come out and do something
about the psychos ruining your party

or give it up
and come join us here on the left

we have cookies.

Not Reading

Aisha got me thinking about M not reading my blog

he does not read here
he could easily find it if he wanted to

I would give him the address
but he has not asked for it
and we have discussed what a valuable outlet it is.

I sometimes cut and paste a post
and I send him links to my vanilla blog

when he gets them
he reads just that entry
and nothing else

and there's power in that
isn't there?

it's not a secret blog
he knows it is there
he knows he could find it
he could ask for it
I would give it

but he chooses not to

I am MORE vulnerable
because I continue to write
honestly
with the risk
that he could read
and I would not know

I give him my trust

lol

I have not even asked him NOT to read it
but I trust that he will not
because
I know how amazing he is

He has control
not only of me
but of himself.

and it's a beautiful thing
to trust him so much
because
honestly
it never occurred to me that he would
break that trust

I have no doubt about it

and I'm sitting here amazed as
I consider that

How much I love
and trust
the control
of my honorable man.

new things

The other night

early on

we were texting

I told him I was toy shopping


you need a plug

I do?

I think so

Shall I send you photos for approval?

Send me what you'd like

I was stunned.

There I am
shopping on Amazon

which by the way has much better prices on toys than anyone else I've found
and

out of the blue
never mentioned before
never hinted at before

you need a plug.

I imagined him
becoming instantly hard
typing that

knowing that my mind would spin a bit
before I started searching

so I started to look
taking photos with my phone
and sending them via text

I sent the first one

Think you could keep that in a long time?

seems unlikely

Keep looking so we know all our options

I send him several more

I jokingly send him one with a cat's tail
knowing he's NOT into animal play

No tail.  something simple.

I push for some closure

maybe the last one?

maybe


you may have to keep it in a lot.

pause pause pause on my side

 I am feeling
very much the sub in this moment
choosing something I didn't know was coming

wondering

will it stay in the toybag?
or will it be used when we're together?
or

at any time will he just say

"go get your plug"
while I'm washing dishes
at my house

and there I'll be

it gave me a shiver
so much his

finally he asks

What do you like, Cunt?

and I make a suggestion
I choose a glass one
and mention

this one is smaller
I'm not sure what I can do

and he reminds me


You can do whatever I wish.

later
as he gave me the right to cum
he teased me
through the phone

with thoughts of his plugged girl
ass full
vibrator in her pussy
and a mouth full of cock

Second rule

yesterday I mentioned 2 rules

the other is just
that there's not cumming
no touching
without his permission

pretty standard

I'm going to admit

that for the first

hmm

5 months or so

I bent the rules

I would touch
without cumming

telling myself

"the rule is no orgasms without him"

but it made me feel terrible.

so I've settled into the rule

I ask
he mostly says 'yes'

sometimes it's 'wait'
or 'later'

sometimes it's 'no'

I have company this weekend
really starting tonight

so

we had a date last night
even though he has his daughter

so it was one sided
but it was also

completely delicious
I came until my bones shook loose

until I couldn't move
and as I gathered myself
I could hear him making
MMMMMmmmm
sounds in my ear

I had my dose of sex
he had his dose of power

from the filthy visions he poured over me

and last night

I slept the night through
no 3am wakeup

I love he has this control
even when I hate it

and at times -- when I wish he gave
me more rules to hold tight to
I remember

that's HIS choice
not mine
and these 2
show me who I am
just as well as 20

He's the Boss

So

I have a 2 rules

all panties all the time is the first (#2 tomorrow)

which I struggled with for a very long time
I prefer no panties in bed
and often

in pjs

will go commando

yes -- I'm daring

but that's not allowed

being long distance
sometimes I get into bed after a night shower
and I don't have them

and I think

"I'm tired"

and I don't want to get up
and  I think

"it doesn't matter if I don't wear them"

and I stare at the ceiling
and stare
and stare

and then have to get up and find a pair

strange isn't it?

most of the time I don't feel like a sub at all
I live my life
I talk to him every day

but we don't have rituals
we don't have rules about our interactions
I don't call him Sir

we bicker
we tease each other

but

every day
I have this reminder

and the fact that I am
incapable
of breaking this rule

or at least breaking it without
feeling horrible

tells me what I am

the other day
there was not one clean pair to be had

not one

every pair in the wash

and I actually found a mostly clean pair
and wore them inside out

true story

yeah

I'm a sub.