no visit.

So

It's not going to happen

He has too much work
and the nature of his work
is that it cannot be done in advance

He has to be there
when it's happening

I asked about it when he called last night
I was in the tub

shaving
because
I didn't know if we would have time on Friday
or Saturday
and I wanted to be ready

I was a big girl
I didn't complain
I was brave

even though I had tears
sliding down my cheeks
into the bathwater

we assured each other it was going to be ok
that we both believe this is for the long haul
and

that we would "work it out"

and I asked for some time to dry off

move away from my sadness a bit

pull my shit together.

I know he is smart
he is looking at the big picture
and I am being unreasonable.

I try to convince myself that a few hours would make me happy
but it's a lie

because the short visits are bad for us

I need the time afterwards
to come back together
to sink into him

and we need the tenderness
as much as we need the control and fire

maybe more

so I'll watch a movie this weekend
and putter around my house
and
I will talk to my man
and maybe even have a phone date

and I will keep my eyes on the future
and do what I need to do.