think. think. think.

I have a lot to think about these days

I am standing on the edge

peering over

at motherhood

thinking about the choices I have

and

they are wonderful choices

but

it's my job to make sure

I have up to the task

that I can do what I think I can do

because when I discuss the particular

little bundles of joy I am considering

people suck in air - making a hissing noise

as if they were burned

with a look of

"are you insane?"

2 toddlers.

two

toddlers

I'm tempted to turn off comments

because I'm not sure I want them

I hear all of them in my head already

I have been thinking about them since January

making endless

Pro 

and

Con

lists

and the fact is

they have had a placement before

a single man

who couldn't hack it

and gave them back

not because they were bad

but because they were too much.

for him

He only had them for a few days

lol

I'm sure every new parent would love

to send the baby back in the first few days

before you learn the language

before there's a routine

but you can't put a birth child back in the uterus

if I take them

they are mine

I will not give them back.

On Thursday

I read the giant files for each of them

I was elated.

On Friday

I was dejected

No way I could do it

I'm not good enough

I'm not mom enough

I could only see the hardship

and no joy

Yesterday

I got the joy back

I could see me smiling at them

and them smiling at me

I could see us playing

or snuggling

AND

I could see a tantrum in Walmart

and vomit in my hair

and

I'm going to think on it a few more days

think.

think.

think.

and then

I might just take the next step

and meet them.