enough

yesterday went well

I was enough

I met with the cps worker and the agency workers -- both new to me
and they were nice enough to come at the same time

and

it was fine
some things that I need to do differently
but
no big judgement

the things I need to change are batshit crazy

for example

diaper cream must be in your locked closet with medication
and never left out

which is fucking nuts

so

at 2am
when I have a wet baby
I change him and see a red bottom
I need to what

pick him up
bare bottom
go get my key
open up my cabinet
to carry him back with the tube to put cream on his butt

and then put it back before settling him in

for a baby who

doesn't yet understand that those waving things called his arms
actually belong to him yet
and who is weeks from rolling over.

If I apply this cream at each diaper change
the med log entry must include the date, time, quantity and my signature -- on every line (that would be 8 to 10 times a day)

a pile of rules
that are impossible to follow
could make you crazy

and feel that you will never be enough
that it's impossible to be enough

but I will muscle through
love my baby
and pray pray pray

for early resolution of his case
so we can move on
and return my house to normal.

(oh -- btw -- they're not sure that the locked box I use for medications is good enough - -because it uses a combination lock like a briefcase instead of a lock with a key (and this box resides INSIDE my locked closet)

sigh

wish me luck