Redemption

Aisha wrote:


Redemption occurs when we re-experience something that happened before -- have the same feelings -- but this time something's different.  We act differently, or someone else does, in some way, the story has a different ending.






I had the picture perfect childhood
but
my marriage


not so much.


My Ex was one of those guys that everyone loved -- but at home?  He had a volatile temper.  And I guess because he never hit me -- that I didn't think of him as abusive.  


No -- he never hit me


I think because he knew that was my line
cross that and I would be gone


But yell
belittle
fly into a rage
freeze me out


yes -- he could be that.


and he always found his rage so cleansing.  He would freak out about something -- and then couldn't understand that afterwards I was quiet -- sulky -- hurt.


See -- that's how they settled things in his family
they would let things build up


then they would explode


and it would all be ok.


Being with his family was like walking in a minefield.  
Most of the time -- a peaceful walk


but then all of a sudden
BOOM


Like the time I broke my key off in the ignition of my car -- and I needed a rescue.
He yelled at me for hours.


So -- what did I learn


HIDE mistakes
PROTECT him from anything upsetting
ENSURE that everything is perfect


all the time.


Fast forward to BDSM relationships


which are all about openness and honesty


and I find myself
on my knees
scrubbing at that stain on my carpet


talking to him on the phone


pretending that nothing's wrong


He knows I'm working on something
He senses that I'm upset


and finally he asks -- what it is that I've done


and I don't want to say


I wanted to just clean it up
and make it all perfect


and I'm in tears cleaning it up
and he calmly tells me it's ok
it's just a carpet
accidents happen


and that I need to stop punishing myself for it
that it's time to move on


and


these moments -- they're very healing for me


Yes -- redemption.


and I think about all those other times


I think about how we reclaim ugly words
and say them in love


slut
cunt
whore


how we retrain ourselves to have a different reaction


and I think
and not for the first time


how good this all this is for me.