Far away

lately -- I feel really far away from M

I've been really busy

and

sometimes we don't have as much to talk about

I'm frustrated with him
and his busy schedule

and

well -- something I haven't talked about

he hasn't been up here to see me
I go down that direction

but he has not come up here

and I'm worried

worried that when I get kiddo-ed -- that I won't be able to make trips down there
and he's unwilling to come up here
or unable -- whatever

and we're going to fizzle.

and

when I get overwhelmed by this feeling
I pull away a bit

and then I think about Mr. C and I

isn't this what he did to me?

He got into his head that when I got my kid(s)
that we wouldn't have time

so he started to pull away

so he wouldn't get hurt

and -- wow -- that was a painful experience for me

because HE killed us
out of his fear

so

I wanted to write this down
I wanted to say it
right here
right now

so later on when I notice I'm starting to do this

fulfill my own prophecy

I can come back here and remind myself.

that

we can make this work if we want to make it work.
and

if we're not willing to do the work
then
it's not worth having

I love him
and he loves me

and it may not last

but then again

it may