doubts

Sometimes I think I'm not good enough

not tough enough
not dark enough
not resilient enough

I worry that when I panic
he's rolling his eyes

I worry that he'll grow tired of me
that

that he'll realize that I am very limited

and

decide I'm not what he wants

He'll decide I'm a baby

and I'm not very much fun

and

that he doesn't love me

he was temporarily enamored

but like a mild case of the flu

that he's recovered

and move forward

I imagine I'll be some fond memory

to be taken out of the box
and turned in his mind

the sweet girl that wasn't quite enough
but that was there for him in a tough time

sweet girl -- I wonder where she is now

I think

I think in these moments that this is inevitable.

that

I'm just never going to be what he wants

the rational part of me says, "shh shh shh -- this is because your limits have been pushed"

"and you were pushed to the breaking point"

but in those moments -- I don't listen to her

I think about me
panicking

pushing him away

I wonder if these moments of doubt aren't a way for me to prepare myself
for the end

because while I'm carving myself up inside
I'm also talking to myself about what happens after that

how I heal
and move on

and that if he doesn't want this flawed limited woman
well

then he doesn't want me afterall

is worry a coping mechanism?
or just a negative weapon we use to damage ourselves?

all I know
is that I want more than anything

to hear his voice
and have it drown out that other voice in my head

and quiet my doubts

(written Sunday morning)