Hopes and Fears

so if you're looking for the most recent chapter of the story -- just page down -- you'll find it there  -- for some reason there's a delay in notifying my readers of a new post -- I think it has to do with how I've set my blog up -- I don't want keyword searches -- and that seems to have me on some sort of tape delay.

whatever

perhaps part of my allure as a blogger is that only a select few are able to read me

don't you feel lucky?

So -  a quick post to talk about some things going on in my world.

I'm working very much on getting better facing some of my fears
specifically

my fear of uncertain situations -- and specifically -- dealing with strangers socially

I started with by going to the munches a while back
and tonight
or last night - whenever you read this

I went to take a class at (wait for it) -- the local dungeon

dun Dun DUUUUUUUN!

all by myself.

I would love to tell you that it wasn't horrible
but parts of it was

walking in by myself -- to a room of people who all seem to know each other -- who all seem very comfortable with each other -- and don't particularly have any interest in letting anyone else in

yeah

horrible.

and I don't scream out "Hey -- I'm nifty -- come talk to me!"
because I know my body language is shut down
and says, "stay fucking away -- I'm freaking out over here!"

but this is how I got over my fear of public speaking
I just did it
over and over and over again -- until I got used to the horribleness
and learned to deal with it

so -- I went to this class
and then mercifully -- there was a worksheet -- and things to do
and then someone to focus on

and the horribleness was much less
and I learned some interesting things about myself and was very pleased that I came

you know

until the class was over
I tried to make myself stay to the white elephant gift exchange (AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD -- CAN WE STOP CALLING IT THE CHINESE CHRISTMAS???  - (FACEPALM))

but I just couldn't do it.
I left my gift -- someone will enjoy it -- but I just fucking expired on courage for the night and went home

not a total failure -- I will get better at it.

as for hopes?

I am still hoping to go see the man next weekend

it is not a solid plan
but a solid hope

and -- if it doesn't happen
I'm going to be devastated - -in spite of him telling me not to
I will

I miss him
and
this is starting to fuck with our connection

He's a good man
and I love him
but

you guys -- I need some D in my D/s

I hope I'll get it soon -- I fear we will be delayed some more

but

I'm going to let HOPE win out over FEAR for now

stay tuned -- I think Lorena's going to have her own battle with fear -- let's see how she does....