My glass is full

So -- some of you may be wondering how the hypnotherapy is going?

obviously I am under a lot of stress right now
and have honestly spent a lot of time crying over the past week.
and I am not seeing him about making me happy
just managing my reaction to sorrow

I described my grief to Dr H as a glass

a glass that is filled with sorrow

 I put off feeling sad
for a lot of reasons

it's inconvenient
 -- well it is - it often hits me at work and I can't take the time to feel that way

So I pour my sorrow into my glass and wait

but guess what
later?  when I have time?
the sorrow is safe in the glass -- so I don't have to deal with it

it's over there
contained
no problem

and then the next thing happens
and maybe this time -- I don't deal with it
because

it's emotional blackmail
 -- crying is a shitty way to get your way.  My ex would be angry at me for crying -- because he thought it was my way to win.

so I pour that sorrow into the glass as well
and the glass is a bit more full

but it holds it
and later -- when I have time?
the sorrow is safe in the glass and I don't have to deal with it.

and still later
something happens
and this time I don't deal with it because

 -- it's too big.
and too painful

so I put that sorrow into the glass as well
and the glass is full to the top

and I have to carry this glass very very carefully
and tip toe arround it
I make everyone else do it too

because if it sloshes

it will overflow

and of course -- it does get jostled
a lot
and this is when you can ask me anything

and I will burst into tears

and empty a bit of the glass
but never all of it

never ever all of it.

and because I'm ashamed of the tears
I fill the glass up again as fast as I empty it out

so -- what happened during the hypnosis?

I took the time to be sad about all the things that filled the glass
until I emptied it out

since then
I've been working on NOT deferring my sadness
and there's a lot of sadness right now

and I'm not feeling bad
most of the time

for being sad

andI find that I can cry
and I can stop crying

and I can choose to empty the glass
later on
instead of ignoring it

yesterday -- someone asked me about the baby
and I could answer
without my eyes filling up with tears

not because I am not sad
but because I am not overwhelmed by it
this is huge --  just last week
I almost started crying at a company party
when someone mentioned it

this is real progress

today I can read your comments about M and I
without feeling stabbed by them

Dr H asked me while in trance
to empty out my glass
and to wash it out

he asked me what I wanted to fill it with

He suggested joy or peace

but I chose hope

it's interesting to me-- that in a suggestable state -- I rejected his choice
and chose hope

Dr H said that Hope is about the future
and shouldn't I choose something more positive

but he's wrong you know

Hope is about now
filling the glass with hope means that I can drink from that hope
whenever I need it

that it's there for me -- in the good times and the bad

Hope is optimism
Hope is what sustains you
and lifts up others

Joy is not the antidote for sadness
 -- Joy is the absense of sadness -- but does not balance it

Peace is not the antidote either
 -- Peace is acceptance in your heart

But Hope
 - Hope allows you to feel your sadness -- safe in the knowledge that it will pass and better thing will come.

I will fill my glass with hope.