Where sfp tries something completely different (pt 3)

So - our hero was there -- in a trance

insanely -- sitting on a sofa in an office
unable/unwiling to move

and digging back through the closet of time

to find out

what

if anything

makes her the way she is

makes her feel like showing emotion is bad
but also
not giving herself permission to properly grieve.

and I found what I think might have been that moment

that first moment

when I decided that sucking it up and being a big girl was more important than feeling my feelings


and through the process

I was asked to think about my grief

the grief that fills me
and has not been ever properly let out

felt

processed

my guilt over the loss of my first pregnancy
and all the ones after that
the loss of loves
moments of betrayal
and moments when I felt I let someone down

and felt them

and cried for them

I sat there
with my hands frozen in place

and cried

not the way I usually cry -- where the tears flow continually -- so hard that I can't catch a breath

but slow
continous tears

I felt them go down my cheeks and gather under my chin

my normal inclination to wipe them away -- suppressed

they gathered on my chin and then dripped onto my chest and between my breasts

and a part of me  -- marveled at it

the freedom of it.

I cried with snot coming out of my nose - but could not -- did not want to stop the work to wipe it until H took mercy and gave me a tissue and permission to move my hand to remedy it.

and as I thought of each of these things

I felt a space open inside me

I felt room -- where before I felt congestion

I felt light

even before he suggested that I would feel a lightness -- I felt light inside

when I was released -- and came back

although it wasn't like I was gone

that's the wrong words

it was more of allowing the world to come back in -- as if everyone else was gone - and I was just deeply focused

I had that light feeling -- you know the one -- after the perfect beating?

a lightness of being

a release

I felt energized
and focused
and strong

I had been crying for an hour it seemed on his couch -- and yet

my tears were gone
and didn't threaten to return

and I felt no shame for them

they were valid
and necessary

I feel for the first time that I might be able to have the kind of control I need -- or at least the start of it - -to have a positive relationship with my emotions

I feel like I could fly.