Retreat

I am boring myself with my own unhappiness lately

seriously

boring myself silly

I have retreated dramatically on all fronts

I tried to go out to an event on Saturday
but left after about 20 minutes

my heart wasn't in it

the leader of this group is a the sweetest kindest Dom
he gave me a hug and a shoulder the lean on
but frankly
that sort of thing makes me lonelier than ever
because it emphasized what I do not have

yes

I could go get my ass spanked
or have an empty encounter

but that's not what I want

and I am far away from the one or ones I would want
so I have retreated a bit there too

I should have been industrious this weekend
and gotten a great many things done

but instead

I fantasized about my vacation
and
focused on the crash course in Italian I'm giving myself

(I have 1 semester of Italian and about 8 years of Spanish - -so this isn't as impossible as it sounds - I can learn a huge amount of Italian in a month)

what I want right now is a big warm lap
to curl up on

I need someone to spoon around me
and let me fall asleep

I don't need that spanking I thought I needed
or to be fucked
I need
to be tucked in
and taken care of

Vorrei che qualcuno mi ami

but instead
I will put myself to bed
and call it a night.