Sir P and I had a discussion about the blog
about whether it's a problem that he reads
and offering to stop reading if his reading would change what I wrote here
make me less open
less willing to be me
knowing that the blog is as much a part of my journey
a catalyst to my journey
as anything else
I do think that if I had not found blogging that I wouldn't have gone out to find another Dom when Mr. C and I broke up
I wouldn't have been as curious about other things
and
well -- I would be a different person
I might still be very conflicted about what we do
I might think that it was aberrant behavior
something to be shunned
I might have broken up with Mr. C sooner
then again
blogging became a bit of a problem for us -- his seeing where my head was became a problem.
Sir P knows all of this
he knows all
he reads all
it's sort of like dating a psychic - -since he's read so much of my inner thoughts on a wide variety of topics (I wonder what he makes of all the fucked up dreams)
and we discussed today
if I thought it would be a problem.
but
Sir P and I -- are different
what would I hide from him?
He's read about the horrible dates
the mistakes I've made
I'm sure that before we became involved there were some face palms over some of my adventures
some tut-tutting perhaps
deservedly so
and
if we were going to be different
if we were going to be real time
if we were going to be physical
maybe I would need a bit of space
but
for us
the intimacy is all in our heads
and if I hide this from him
my thoughts
my worries
the spinning whirring sound that is my thoughts sometimes
I think that we won't have the intimacy we seek
how would I be vulnerable with him
so
I'm going to do it
be me
be ALL of me
and see if he still likes me
if he'll someday love me
just as I am
and
this might be the thing
that helps me
in future relationships
to be me
all the time
be just who I am
all the time
and anyone who doesn't want that
who can't handle it
doesn't get to play
so
I will blog
I will write
I will scribble bad poetry
I will record my strange dreams
and will continue to murder punctuation and capitalization rules
willy nilly
and he will read
Two of your last three posts left me feeling stripped naked.The things you are writing about, while not exact,have really made me think. Instead of writing a dissertation about myself here in your comments I'm going to take your thoughts over to my blog and tinker with them a bit. I hope you don't mind.
ReplyDeleteWell hell, punctuation rules don't count against us, do they?
ReplyDeleteAs you know, Big Bad reads and has always read my blog. Sometimes it changes what I write. Mostly when I want to rant about what an idiot he is, it takes away my forum for that. Most of the time he has been pretty mature about what I had to say (much more than I would have been), though sometimes I know it has stung.
And yes, he still reads - he commented on one of yesterdays posts.
I think that overall it has been a good thing that he read, for the reasons you talk about here, that you want him to know what's inside your head.
But I can also see the benefit in him not reading.
I keep erasing and re-writing bits of this comment, there's more nuance to everything I've said here, so I'm tempted to expand, but I guess I'll leave it here.
-sin
I am just glad you will keep blogging. I love to read about your adventures in your own prose. :-)
ReplyDeletelove, squirrel
This is something that mouse can relate to. Sometimes that need to edit since you know they're going to read it and mouse has swallowed that fear more than once....and it was ok...meaning the sun didn't explode or anything. :-)
ReplyDeleteIts not easy to balance....
Hugs,
mouse