Heartache

FoxyLoxy is having some problems -

she has a  pain near her heart

and when it hits her

she almost doubles over

as if she is being stabbed

of course we went to the doctor
because that's what you do

but I know what it is

it's panic

panic at so much change
anxiety at everything that is different

even the good things

maybe even

especially the good things

Yesterday -- at the grocery store
as we filled the basket with snacks

and she's covered with me saying "yes" to so many things

yes to the juice
yes to the fig cookies
yes to the fruit
and the cheese its
yes to the pretzels

and she's surrounded with change
in her new clothes
and new shoes

in the new store
after leaving the new school
with the new mom

it all becomes too much
and starts to crush her a bit.

it's all too too too much

and it will get better
the doctor taught her how to control her breathing when it happens
to calm herself down

and it will get better for me

for me

there is no crushing pain

there is exhaustion
and difficulty making decisions about other things
non-kid things
as if my brain is on overload

and a bit of forgetfulness
and

Sir P is helping me
by providing a bit of that structure.
too

change is difficult
massive change like this
can be crushing

and cause a bit of heartache

but when it heals
we will be better
and stronger
and happier

for coming through it.