when "no" feels like "yes"

Lately -- M has been most undomly

indulgent
and

sort of -- well -- sort of just being my vanilla super supportive boyfriend

but

not what we are

not what we want to be

or wanted

it's sort of started to feel like

well

that he doesn't want to do it anymore
that he doesn't want me
but is too nice to give me the ol' heave ho while things are shitty for me

I'm a charity case

so when I ask if I can cum

he tells me I may

but I have felt for some time like
he doesn't care if I ask or not

that

he doesn't want to tell me that I don't have to ask -- since it's pretty much only 1 of 2 rules

but that he could care less

sometimes I ask and he ignores it

I imagine that he's busy and then too much time passes and it doesn't make sense to give me permission then

he doesn't comment on it

so
tonight

I'm exhausted

I asked and was granted one earlier today
in an off-handed -- "you may"

and tonight
after we hung up

I asked if I could have a "pity-orgasm" if I am unable to sleep

and much to my surprise I got a "we'll see"

and
although I really think I need one
that I crave one
that any rational human would let me have one

instead I got a delay
which is really a "no"
and is so much a "yes" to who we are -- and what we are

that it's exactly precisely what I needed.