Monday, October 15, 2012

Burning Love

I came home tonight to find a boiling hot baby

104.4

whaaaaa?????

104.4!!!

He's never run any fever

at all

none

ever

so I sent my agency a text -- which got me a call in about 30 seconds.
My phone-a-friend is a nurse

I asked if I should give him tylenol and see
she said
"no -- go to the ER now -- don't medicate first -- let them see him how he is"

and a few hours later -- we are home
he's down to 101.8
and snoozing

funny

how I could be so self-involved
all fucking day

so much so that I was almost unable to function all day long
that I almost went home and lunch to crawl into bed

so worried about what might happen
that I was just shutting down

a girl can only run for so many days at this level of stress

and then I go home
and

it's all gone away

I'm completely focused on my little man

as it should be

you know

I've had moments in the past few months where I questioned my fitness for motherhood

maybe I'm not attached enough because I don't dote on him and try to convince you that his farts smell like flowers

but really

I'm more his mom
every single day

I was made to this you guys
and no matter what happens

I'm a good mommy
I'm his mommy

come what may

much love

sfp
at

7 comments:

  1. toriOctober 16, 2012 at 2:47 AM

    Glad he is ok, you are a good mum that shows through your posts, i think its common for most mums to question whether they are a good mum regardless of if they gave birth to the child or not! besides a mum is who raises the child, is there providing love,care and support.

    Hope he is better today.

    x

    ReplyDelete
  2. sinOctober 16, 2012 at 5:18 AM

    I agree with Tori, I think everyone questions it some days. It sounds like you are a great mommy with all the "right" feelings.

    -sin

    ReplyDelete
  3. strivingforpeaceOctober 16, 2012 at 6:44 AM

    thank you guys -- his fever broke at midnight.

    but he's clearly sick -- poor guy

    off to the doctor.

    and -- most likely today, I'll hear what's happening with his custody -- or tomorrow -- or -- you know -- whenever they get around to it.

    sfp

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousOctober 16, 2012 at 9:03 AM

    And that whole "his farts smell like flowers" thing? Not really so helpful in the long run.

    You're a wonderful mother, whatever happens.

    Sending love to both of you,

    aisha

    ReplyDelete
  5. nillaOctober 16, 2012 at 9:54 AM

    I've been there...when all you can do is (barely) put one foot in front of the other. And wondered if I was cut out for this mothering stuff.

    Just, you know, so YOU know it's totally normal.

    Hoping your little man is back up to snuff soon...scary to see a fever that high.

    Hugs,

    nilla

    ReplyDelete
  6. mouseOctober 17, 2012 at 1:07 PM

    It's scary when they're sick. Think Babygirl is coming down with another cold. Which sucks. But yes no matter what happens, you are not only a good mommy, but a fantastic one!

    Hugs,
    mouse

    ReplyDelete
  7. MalcolmOctober 22, 2012 at 12:40 AM

    (This for your latest post but couldn't find comment button)

    I have experienced losing children at a very young age so I know the feelings. Sorry ...

    ReplyDelete

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