If you've been reading along you'll know that I'm exceptionally stressed -- I've known for about 10 days that I might lose the bundle of joy to a family member.
I am powerless in this
this isn't a mommy contest
I win in a mommy contest hands down
if only because I am his mommy
so there is a processing that goes on
perhaps it's the way our psyches go about preparing us for the worst
I try to put it out of my mind
and I'm pretty good at that
compartmentalizing
not borrowing trouble
but it's there
like an underground river
beneath the surface
eroding my resolve.
it bubbles up in little moments
just now
as I made his bottle
I thought
"I have all the formula for this month
if he goes, I'll need to pack it up with his things"
and I bleed a bit
but then I stuff it back down
I shove my finger in the dyke (no giggles please)
and move on
another little leak springs up
as I fold his clothes
and think
I would pack this
I would keep that -- I might need it in the future
and
I wonder how much it would hurt to put that little outfit on another little boy
knowing it belonged to my little man
and I rush to stop up that leak too
because too many
will release the flood
and
well - the reality is
there's no way to know
what the outcome will be
sometimes I think about the family who wants him
they've never met him
never seen him
he's an idea
an abstraction
the countless hours they must have discussed
do we take them
all of them
or are they better off
can we afford it
where will they sleep
and how how how will we ever do it
if they're denied
will there be a tiny bit of relief?
certainly a stab of pain
because even the loss of a hypothetical child is a loss
I should stop being so cruel to myself.
should shut down this line of thought
bury myself in projects
of cake
fucking bury myself in cake
anything but abuse myself in this way
but it's there.
always there
just beneath the surface.
(comments off -- I needed to say this -- but don't need to revisit it -- love to you all -- sfp)
