Poke and Probe

For those of you hoping for some sort of medical examination story -- move along -- this is a vanilla post about my girlie parts

Today was the annual poke and prod

I took the whole day off -- just to make it easier -- get it all done at once.

I took the time to take the kiddo to work and got a long overdue haircut with my favorite hairdresser -- which involves about a 40 mile drive at this point.

She's really good

On the drive I had a bit of business to take care of.

I got a message yesterday from the Dr's office -- please call us about your lab results.

Fuck

no postcard?
no message on a password protected voicemail?

"Call us about your results" is never good.

All I can think is that if I got an STD I'll have to kill him.

dead

So I call -- and I get a breezy, "Oh -- your results are all normal" (whew) -- "Oh" -- (internal sucking in of breath) "except for your Vitamin D -- she's putting you on a supplement" (whewwwwwww).

Seriously -- don't they realize that no news is GOOD NEWS --

So I was safe to drive in to start my day -- with my cute new hair. I love seeing my stylist -- I do my best comedy there -- and because I only see her about once a quarter -- I have all my "A" material.

then -- off at breakneck speed to get a mammogram.

yuck

Ladies and G's -- I have large breasts -- it's not so much the putting the breasts in the vice (after all - I've done worse than that in the name of fun) -- it's the impersonal man -- uh -- woman-handling....and of course the fun of not being able to wear deodorant -- at least it's not 107 degrees anymore.

so after being moved, shifted, adjusted and crushed
we were done
and she told me to get dressed
and get out


Lunch with a work colleague

then off to the probing

The vaginal ultrasound

Here's the tool - in case you're curious.

Ovaries seem to be free of little hats or other appendages not meant to be there -- and nothing else has changed

so -- yipee! -- no surgery for me this year!

So the poke and prod was over
she gave me a tissue
told me to get up
get dressed
and get out

cold bitches -- no flowers -- no dinner -- they just get out their toys -- play with you -- and discard you

heartless

and yet -- year after year -- I keep coming back.