Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one'srelationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, orcontrol patterns.[1] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.
I got that from Wikipedia --
I remember -- oh -- 15 yrs ago or so -- the word "codependent" became part of everyday language. Not in it's intended use -- but -- almost as slur against anyone who was attached closely to their partner.
I remember my mom -- talking about it with me -- slightly hurt (obviously someone had told her she was codependent) -- she said, "Why is being codependent a bad thing? We should all help each other in the ways we can -- I am dependent on your dad -- he's dependent on me"
this stayed with me
and now -- comes back to me in my new relationship. How much we need each other.
and -- I realize that YES -- we are codependent. There's a lot of narcissism on the Dom side of things -- and there's a lot of "excessive empahsis" on his needs. But my Mom's definition is MORE right. Perhaps the difference is that we openly stepped into this relationship --
open eyes
then again
if we look at it even closer -- it's really that we trade off on being the narcissist in the relationship
being a Dom is a lot of work.
and maybe THAT's what makes mom's definition more right.
all I know is that I don't want to be cured of my codependence.
ever.
Very interesting post.
ReplyDeletei think there's a difference between what your mother's talking about and what "codependence" means in my head. Even though the term's been used so much it's all out of context.
i probably have to do a post in response ~ i can feel it forming in my head.
Thanks, Sfp. Good isights here. IMO.
Hope your cookie weekend was fabulous!
aisha
I've thought quite a bit about this also. I posted a few of my thoughts about it on my Fet profile. From the outside, I can see how it could look like codependency in the "bad" way, but like you said, the biggest difference is that was go into it understanding what we're trying to do, not doing things thinking "this will make them love me/want me" and then getting angry or hurt when the person doesn't reciprocate how we want.
ReplyDeleteI've thought about this before too, and came up with the same kind of answer as your mother. I need him and he needs me, I depend on him and he depends on me... and that's not a bad thing... in fact I believe that's the way it should be in marriage especially because you become one with each other. I'm glad you posted this.
ReplyDeleteAlice
@Aisha -- lol - yes - I know that Mom's definition isn't really the definition of codependence -- but I like it anyway
ReplyDelete@agog -- lol -- then again from the outside it sounds like we're all in denial -- no?
@Alice -- I think so too
sfp
I think the big difference from bad to good is about what the motive behind the action is. Say I am caring for someone so much that I don't take care of myself, or wind up having more problems for having helped them, for example, a friend needs money so I give it to them even though I have bills that haven't been paid and I loose my basic necessities. I think its okay to depend on your partner in the relationship but when it goes to the point that one forgets to take care of them self that's when it becomes a problem!
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of this, you are supposed to care for other people, lovers, family, CHILDREN, but you always need to take care of yourself too. Like they tell you on the plane, if the oxygen masks drop and you are traveling with someone who needs assistance, put yours on first so you are able to breathe while you help them!
ReplyDeleteAnd in a relationship sense, make sure that you get something out of it too.
-sin
Co-dependent is one of the many terms thrown around these days to make normal behavior sound like some kind of disorder. I'm beyond sick of it. In the last 15 years or so the pharmaceutical industry has managed to convince almost every person on earth that they have some kind of mental disorder or another. Young people might be boggled by this, since they live in a world where TV commercials are filled with drugs, but it wasn't long ago when the only drugs pushed on TV commercials were over-the-counter pain relievers and cold medicine.
ReplyDelete@Lily -- yes -- I think that's the real difference between abuse and a cooperative relationship
ReplyDelete@Sin - I giggled -- great analogy!
@t1klish - and midol -- I never could figure out what it was for when I was a kid. -- so vague.
who would have imagined deep thoughts at JoI?
lol
sfp