What do you have to do to make someone love you

We were in therapy today

and we played a game as a family -- it's a therapy game

and there are cards that the kids and the family answer -- as we go around the board

one of the ones I got was

"what do you have to do to make someone love you" -- or something like that

and I gave the PC answer

"I think that's a trick question - you don't have to DO things to make people love you"

and the girls helped me out and said that you have to have an open heart

but when I think about this question deeply

and consider all my past relationships

I think that I think that I have to be capable, helpful, put together, strong to be loved

I have to be good at things

I have to be the one who wants to be with you - but who doesn't NEED to be with you

which does sound nice right?

except that

the opposite side of that is

that it makes you ashamed of needing someone

of being weak

of being less that perfect

of

not meeting him 1/2 way on things

Jesus

I'm the worst fucking sub ever.

why don't I think it's ok to be a little weak?

why do I continually apologize to Sir P for being whiney
for being needy

because
really?

is it so bad to need someone?
really?

is it so bad to lean on someone?

so

this is what I'm learning now
how to lean
how to be ok with leaning
how to not feel guilty for leaning

how to count on someone
and

having someone that can handle that
was the first step.