M wrote me a text tonight about how he misses me
we said we would still be friends and still talk the way we always have
but
we haven't
we tried
but
it's hard
and when I call - I don't know what to say to his machine that doesn't sound reproachful.
so I leave nothing
and frankly -- I'm too busy to talk to you if it takes a huge effort right now
I'll try
but you sort of have to pick up the phone -- or miss the window
so it's been a few weeks
and I feel bad about it
we had a nice chat
but
it made me sad
because while I loved him
it's just gone forever.
and it still smarts a bit
that he just didn't love me enough
why is it that you can be so happy about something
no
someone
else
and still be sad about the other?
greedy girl
I think it's because love for me isn't an on off switch
I can simultaneously love more than one person
*******
then when I texted with Sir P -- I told him that I was talking to M - and that it made me sad
and we had a bit of a chat
where we got really polite with each other
it was important for him to tell me that if I wanted to try things with M
or
if I need something that he can't give me because of distance that he'll stand aside
or
undertand
or whatever
which put us in a polite off.
("no, I insist - after you.....")
but eventually we landed where we belong
M is bad for me
I know it
you know it
aliens in outer space know it
shoot -- even M knows he's not good for me.
and that's what makes me sad.
but I am also very happy
because
I have someone in my world that I can be completely honest with
(as completely honest as two people ever really are)
that I don't have to hide this feeling from
and I made another step forward into loving him
with his kind open heart
and
his desire for what is best for me
which is a beautiful thing
************
If I were a great blogger - I would change the order of my feelings in the title - for a better sweeter ending to tonight's entry
but no
FoxyLoxy had a hissy fit tonight because when I said they could watch TV she and KittyKat got into a wrestling match over the remote - and guess who ended up with it
yup
ME
"OMG - you mean we have to waaaatch the commmmmmmmerciallllls? nooooooooo"
So - I said, "too bad -- the remote's mine"
"Forever?"
Me: "Sure - -forever"
(why the fuck not -- you're never going to be civilized with it)
so FL stomped off to her room and KK watched TV for about an hour -- and colored - in absolute peace and quiet.
ahhhhhhhhhhh
seriously - FL needs to come up with a better way to punish the rest of us - because this just makes me want to piss her off every night.
***********
oh
yeah
I have the crawlies -- which my brain is telling me is lice
and the lice comb is telling me is NOTHING
fucking hallucinatory lice
I'm going to treat my fucking hair again tomorrow -- just to trick my brain into believing that I'm cured.
**************
oh
and Cheese-Nips -- do not taste as good as Cheese-Its - I want my money back.
LOL... wow okay. I'm gonna comment backward just to be different.
ReplyDelete1)Cheese nips suck!
2)Yeah, lice does that too you. I felt the itchy crawlies for weeks after they were gone. I was so paranoid.
3)Remotes and kids don't mix.
4)This is just my opinion, but it sounds like you might be better off just not having a friendship with M. I mean especially if it's just going to leave you feeling hurt and sad every time you talk to him.
5)And I don't think you're greedy at all. I love my husband, but there is another man who I will always love as well. The first man I almost married. And well, we've both moved on, but it still hurts sometimes when I think how easily he dismissed me. How he could tell me that he still loved me, but didn't want a relationship with me. Sometimes you love someone that much, that it will probably just always hurt.
*hugs*
Turiya
Glad that your thoughts about M are resolved, and that all is well with you and Sir P. Love that the remote control is yours!!
ReplyDeleteLDRs can be hard. Especially when you need each other, like need to physically be with each other, and can't have what you need most. AS someone who has an issue with long distance, I think it's noble for him to allow you what he can't give to you, even if you don't want to take him up on the offer. I've been in that situation, and as much as I cared about the person, I knew there were aspects of the relationship I couldn't provide. Caring enough to want the other person to be happy, even if that means being with someone else, takes a strong person. Good for Sir P for offering that option to you.
ReplyDeleteIn my house, Goldfish are preferred over cheez-its or nips. In fact I think goldfish have become one of the named main food groups. LOL!
And the remote...it belongs to Daddy...well, unless Disney is on. Then I seem to get banished to the bedroom to watch my tv shows. I will say though, "Good Luck Charlie" is a pretty funny show ;)
DV
@DV
DeleteYes - Sir P is helping me to see that we make the rules together - He's a smart man.
and where were you when I was making the nip/it's decision -- Sorry DV -- that's a fail - I could have used you then!
sfp
It's so easy to be reproachful. I do that.
ReplyDeleteLice? Did I miss lice?
-sin
I wouldn't say we miss the lice, Sin.
Deleteditto on the lice thing. just...eeww.
ReplyDeleteand the remote.
I have no advice. My son (is this a gender thing?) holds it. He's 8. It's like it's grown onto his hand. He fell asleep when he was super sick two weeks ago, clutching it in one hand, and his teddy bear in the other.
why.
why.
nilla
ps goldfish reigned for a long long time...but have recently been thrown over in favor of bread. Long loaves of italian bread come here to be consumed in hours. or less. Goldfish might return in the summer. Cheese nips suck tofurky balls. (if tofurkeys have balls)
nilla