Update

So -- yesterday - no -- day before -- my Mom got sick

really sick

all of a sudden.

Mom's been helping me with the horde of children
and had to go home

so I was on my own
and while it wasn't terrible.

well - it was
but it was bearable

even though the little one wakes every 2 hours
and the bigger one wakes every 3
and on occasion -- it synchronizes in a horrible way

and you have to prioritize which screeching baby to tend.

yes
other people do this
all the time

but

not alone

and I sent a cry for help at 4am
and in the morning

my dad came by to tell me how very sick mom was - and to discuss whether or not it was time to go tot he hospital

and I decided it was time to say "uncle"

my agency found another family

(huh - -go figure - you CAN find placements when you need to -- pretty fucking quickly too)

and the girls moved to another home.

it worked out ok -- the oldest one was mad at me all day
because I have rules
sigh

so she was open to moving
comically, she asked if she could go alone and leave the middle one with me
but no

I explained that I have to take care of my mom -- and she said ok.

so

I'm back down to one

and

I'm waiting for the feeling of failure to kick in
or the panic that my agency won't like me anymore

and you know what?

not going to let it happen
fuck it

I did my best
it was too much
I admitted it

done.

sfp

ps -- BTW -- how fucking easy a newborn seems after the 2 whirling dervishes have lived here -- he's a fucking walk in the park.