Refreshed

I needed this weekend

I needed to just get away -- and not have everything that is painful so close at hand
all the time

and

I do feel refreshed

I fear I am not an exciting guest - -I did not regale them with stories
I did not have a grand adventure

that's not really who I am

I am
as I always am

striving for peace.

and I will return home more peaceful.

Yesterday
we went to an art exhibit

part of it was focused on the theme of melancholy

there was a room -- set aside -- darkened
with cushions on the floor

showing a film of 3 girls -- nearly identical -- sitting on the floor
singing the same few words over and over again

for 6 hours

It was beautiful
and very strange

and disorienting

and another artist created a short film of two women with giant white wings

they are learning how to fly
and then later he animates them -- and they fly all around
before it repeats

a third in a different part of the gallery was a photo of a storage cabinet -- about a dozen naked men
were sitting in the shelves -- cramped in -- all angles and elbows but reaching out an touching each other softly

still another exhibit had a drawing called "haunted dollhouse" -- a sort of where's waldo of ghosts -- it was intricate -- and riveting -- and grotesque

and yesterday -- I realized that I was not viewing art as the viewer -- but imagining being the subject of the art -- How would it feel to chant and be filmed continually for 6 hours

what would motivate me to crawl naked into a cabinet
or spend hours jumping into the air with wings to create 100's of still photos to create the illusion of flight.

or spend hours and hours crafting the dollhouse -- so detailed in every aspect.

I was focused on how the sausage is made

and thinking about this
this is who I am
I am the little girl who wants to take the phone apart to see how it works
much more than she wants to call a friend

the mechanics fascinate me

the mechanics of process

the mechanics of relationships - what makes them tick --

why people stay together
when perhaps they should not

why we do the things we do.

and yes
sometimes that makes me miss the beauty of it.

then again
this is who I am

and perhaps
instead of analyzing why I am the way I am
I should just be it

and not worry about having to make sense of it.